Lost in Translation Again

Two clowns, doing what they did best.

In English.

I get clowns from overseas that do what they do lousily...in English and other languages.

Like this silly sot:

İyi günler

Ben de sizinle başka bir şey umut? Gerçeğini değil nedeniyle için uygulanan kredi ile ilgili işitmek--dan sen. Eğer hala ya da değil bu kredi fonları ihtiyacın olursa biz için bilinen ister misin? Çünkü biz sizin kredi ile Mevduat Bankası, ucundan gecikmeler ile rahat değil.

Bir tepki senden sonraki 24 saat içinde tabi veya değil uygulanan kredi olması durumunda bir etki ile iptal edin.

Lütfen hiçbir tepki sizden 24/sa sonra sizin kredi iptal senin verilmeksizin derhal çünkü olacaktır yanıt vermek için cesur olun.

İçtenlikle


He claimed to be Bob Williams, offering me an online loan.  In Turkish.  Here's the English translation:

Good day

I hope you anything else? Apply for credit because not heard about the fact that - from you. If you still need that loan funds or not you want to known we? Because we Deposit Bank with your credit, tip not comfortable with the delays.

In case it later needed a response within 24 hours or cancel the credit is not applied to be an impact.

Please no response from you a 24 / h without you then your loan will be canceled because it is brave to respond immediately.

Sincerely

Convincing as hell, that is.  So I fired up teh Gooble translator, and replied thus...in Turkish:

Gudt tr abend,

Sen bir gecede da tuvalet kolu üzerindeki diş etleri gevşek lezzet çiğneme değer vermezler?

Senin saksı bitki işemek sizin tofu mu?

Kabız matematikçi, bir kalem ya da bir manivela çubuğu ile dışarı çalışıyor mu?

Eğer bir kredi ihtiyacınız varsa, bir kırdı dick bab veya fil genital sahip bir pirana için geçerli olacaktır?

Sadece o hala Bruce olduğunu öğrenmek için iyi bu soruları düşünmek ve neyi Kapı Sayısı 2 arkasında sen Caitlyn Jenner ile bir tarihte gitmeden önce.

kemiksiz nachos

What the gibberish actually said:

Gudt en abend,

Doth thou chewing gums loose it flavor on da toilet handle overnight?  Does your potted plant pee in your tofu?

Does the constipated mathematician work it out with a pencil or a pry bar?

If you need a loan, would you apply to a broke dick dawg or a piranha endowed with elephant genitals?

Ponder well these questions and what's behind Door Number 2 before you go out on a date with Caitlyn Jenner only to find out that she is still Bruce.

Boneless nachos,
Bob Williams
Turkish pervert  

I didn't get a reply from ol' Bob...but I imagine the 50 plus scammers I forwarded this to have some questions for him...

If At First They Don't Read It

Edit, edit again.

The online loan scamstress Clara Smith shoulda, coulda and woulda, but she was too busy drying out her knickers after wetting herself in abject joy that my character responded to her email.

She just didn't pay attention to how my character responded, even though she said the email was "well noted and understood".

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Here was the very beginning of her opening ploy:


Hello,
         We are Christian Organization formed to help people in needs
of  helps,such as financial help.  


The *TOING* reverberated around the neighborhood.


Thus, a quick edit in reply:

Hello,

We are cross between an atheist and Jehovah Witness organization,

which means we'll knock on your door for no reason.  We were formed

to help people in needs of understanding why we knock on their door

for no reason, being our mix of atheist/JW.  Frankly, it puzzles us too.

So if you are going through some kind of personal crisis in your

life, and we knock on your door, why even bothering to answer

it.  Only a cosmic muffin named Harold might hold the answer;

that's from the JW side when we say Harold be thy name.  We

really don't know that He's Harold, and our atheist side is

forever saying "Harold Who?"  Are you are finding it hard to
obtain understanding of why we sent you this email?  Some of

our cornfused congregation wonder that too.  But we'll be more

than unsure why when you contact us today via email
mrsclarasmithloanfiirm@gmail.com  for the JW bible says nothing;

you have to read it.  And the atheist bible says less, 'cuz they ain't

gots one.  They reckon it simplifies things as opposed to having

The Book of Nothing.

Now, someone named Matthew Mark Luke 'n Duck said in

Chapter 11:10, "now is the time for all good cuckoo clocks to

have their cuckoos fly south for the winter; he who seeks is

looking, and to him who knocks, he needs higher octane"

So do not let these phrases suggest to you that anyone who

eats creamed beets dies; that's simply nature doing it's normal

thing, since beets are by all accounts disgusting when creamed.

By any other name, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever
more on the JW side, while the atheists mispronounce his name

when ordering tacos.

Please these is for vacuous minded and Coke bottle fearing People.

Now we ask you to offer up some stats about you so that we may

know whether you is or you ain't and which side of our org you is

or ain't inclining toward:

Your Name:
Your SEX;
What You Last Had Sex With;
If Atheist, When Having Sex Do You Say "Oh Nobody!" over and over again:

Country You Had Sex With:
Loan Amount You Had Sex With:
Loan Duration Of The Sex You Had Widdit:
PURPOSE OF LOAN SEX;
Valid Cell Phone Number (if you answered all the other questions, we definitely want speaks with you):

Thanks for your understanding to your contact as we Await

Regards
Management
E-mail :mrsclarasmithloanfiirm@gmail.com

 

 

What response did this edit draw?  A stupid one, of course:

 

 

I  received your mail that you are interested in getting a loan from
us and  content there in is well noted and understood (LMAO!!!).

I am Mrs Clara Smith,A financier loan lender" the Managing director of
Loan Solution,i am willing to lend out loans with the interest rate of
3%, We offer loans to commercial and private bodies ranging from
$5,000 to the maximum of $8,000,000 within the periods of 1 to 25
years, We offer loan at low interest rate and with no credit check, we
offer Personal loans, debt consolidation loans, venture capital,
business loans, education loans, home loans or "loans for any
reason!However, Our method, offers you the chance to state the amount
of loan needed and also the duration you can afford, We are well
certified and registered, Our loans are well insured for  maximum
security which  is our great priority,

We do use the bank transfer in sending loans to our various clients
and it will take the maximum period of 12 working HOURS and you are
well guaranteed of getting funded, If you are interested, kindly fill
out the Borrower's Loan Application and send it back to us for further
process.

Borrower Information (Required information fields appear in bold).
Full Name(s):
Age:
Street Address:
Country:
Contact Number:
Loan Amount Requested:
Loan Purpose:
Loan Duration:
Employment Status:

We hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Truly,
Mrs Clara Smith

 

So we'll see how well she reads the requested information returned:

 

Borrower Information (Required information fields appear in bold).
Full Name(s):       Frank Unsteen IV
Age:                      Locked In At 67 in Perpetuity
Street Address:     4334 Whittier Blvd  Los Angeles CA 90023
Country:               No, it's in town
Contact Number:  323-261-2725
Bone Amount Requested:   Full Skeletal Frame
Bone Purpose:  So I can walk again
Bone Duration:  In perpetuity...whaddaya think I'd just want 'em for the weekend?
Employment Status:   Planned to be after re-boned

 

 

It became apparent that Clara -- or someone there with a better grasp of "well noted and understood" -- did a better job of reading the next response, on accounta cuz my character got this:

 

 

u cannot be seriously?  we are serious loan firm please.  

 

 

But of course you are.  And I am serious about my loan of bones request.  Impress me with your flexibility so as to help me regain mine.  The world watches, waits and decides.  Will you measure up, or just join the graveyard of online loan firms what couldn't git 'er done?  

 

 

Alas, Clara Smith joins 99.99% of the online loan scam world in abject FAIL.  I'm sure this causes her to have a bone to pick with my character.  I suggest she try this:

 

Yahoo News' Katie Perky Couric didn't seem impressed:

 

 

He whose bones scambait away,

lives to bone another day....

 

 

 

 

 

A New Character, A New Loan Scam Take

Meet Frank Unsteen, my newest character in the stable of characters I use to screw with email scammers.  For his photo, when needed, Frank will use that of the late beloved TV actor Fred Gwynn of The Munsters fame.


Frank came along in time for a Christmas loan scam.  Frank has an interesting way of looking at scam emails.


Here's the game, starting with the scam ploy:




On Monday, December 8, 2014 11:43 PM, Katrina Benson <bensonfunds@yahoo.com> wrote:

Merry Christmas to all,

We have a 2% interest on the loan, even at the minimum and maximum above $5,000 $150 million for individuals and businesses, we offer everything types of loans, such as;

Christmas loans
Car loan
private loans
loan for entrepreneurs
e.t.c

Applicant Information

Full Name:
Amount needed:
Duration:
Country:
Phone #:
Purpose of loan:
Occupation:
Monthly income:  

Frank cued in on the "Christmas loans" category, and ran widdit:

How can you arrange for me to borrow Christmas?  Please give me details.  

Frank asks, the scammer unwittingly answers:

Please fill and return the information below and get back immediately for us to proceed

Applicant Information

Full Name:
Amount needed:
Duration:
Country:
Phone #:
Age:
Purpose of loan:
Occupation:
Monthly income:

Regards  

So Frank fills out the request in keeping with his original question:

Full Name:  Frank Unsteen, Jr.
Amount needed:  the entire holiday
Duration:  December 25, 2014
Country:  USA
Phone #:  ***-***-****
Age:  50
Purpose of loan:  I wish to make Christmas my own this year
Occupation:         Late TV actor
Monthly income:  Rather skimpy of late (see what I just did there?)  

Our scammer didn't recognize the play on Frank's name; but she apparently didn't take so well to Frank's loan request:

this serious lon business.  no time for game.  

Oh c'mawn...make time for game.  All work and no play make you a dull scammer.  

I guess the scammer's okay with being dull...

So if anyone feels like their Christmas was unusual this year, blame Frank.  He borrowed it.  Or at least, he tried to...

They Loan WHAT???

And I reckon that blanket there is the equivalent of a camel chastity belt.  But I digress.

Yup...gots me yet another email from another loan scammer.  Obozo must be sending billions of overprinted USD all over the place, 'cuz now the world of scammers wants us to borrow it.

At 3%.

Here's how the latest one started out; and it started as if he and I had already communicated, though I have no recollection of having done so:

WELCOME TO JAMES OWEN LOAN FINANCIAL SERVICE

Message received, well i will like to inform you that we do give out
loan/funds at 3.% interest rate, We will offer you loan as you
requested, be rest informed that we only attend to serious minded
individuals, if you are applying for this loan We will want you to be
very honest and serious about it, We will also want you to know that
getting a loan from this company is 100% assured with unlimited grace
of God.

    So it all depend on you, I will want you to fill out the
borrower's information below and return back to us as soon as possible
so that we can proceed with this transaction, Well we must let you
know that this company will highly appreciate your urgent response in
this transaction, and we shall all be in service with you to make sure
you receive this loan fast and with good faith, with grace all things
are possible so we shall invest trust and honest in this transaction.

   Qualifications On This Transaction:

  1)The Borrower must be trusted with good faith and unlimited grace
2)Even with Bad credit, we still Guarantee the Borrower the Loan with
unlimited grace in this company.
3)The Loan Can Be Granted Even With low credit.
4) Fixed Rate Of The Loan interest is 3.%.


LOAN APPLICATION DETAILS

Full Names:............
Gender:....................
Marital status:.........
Contact Address:...........
City/Zip code:..................
Country:........................
State:..........................
Age:...........................
Monthly Income:..............
Loan Amount:...................
Duration of Loan:............
Date Of Loan Needed:.............
Weekly Income:....................
Purpose for Loan:.................
Phone Number:....................
Personal Phone Number:.........
Fax Number:......................

     In acknowledgment to these details, We will send you a well
calculated Terms and Condition which will include the agreement’s of
this transaction, we will want you to fill the borrower's information
above  and return back to us as soon as possible so that we can
proceed further in this transaction.  


So let's see what he does when he receives the edit from my pet rock, Seymour, a notoriously amorous and perverse pet rock...

"Am NOT!!!"

Before Seymour digresses:

WELCOME TO JAMES OWEN LOAN RUBBER GENITALS SERVICE

jamesowen0099@gmail.com

One moment please, I receive a telepathetic message from you.

*Jeopardy Theme music*

 Message received, well i will like to inform you that we do give out loans of specifically requested genitals made out of rubber.  We will offer you the rubberized genitals of any species that you

requested, be rest informed that we only attend to seriously disturbed individuals, if you are applying for this loan We will want you to be very honest and serious about the rubberized genitals that you choose.  We will also want you to know that getting a loan of specifically requested rubberized genitals of the species of your choice is 100% assured with unlimited grace of the allah toilet paper that we use here.

It has pictures of allah being chased by a pig.

So it all depend on you, I will want you to fill out the borrower's information below and return back to us as soon as possible so that we can proceed with the making of the rubberized, species-specified

genitals of your choice.  Well we must let you know that this company will highly appreciate your urgent response in this request, because we owes people moneys.


   Qualifications On This Transaction:

1)The Borrower must demonstrate that he/she knows what genitals are
2) Even with the Borrower isn't sure what genitals are, we still Guarantee the Borrower the Loan with the unlimited grace in this company of a manatee genital.
3)The Loan of specified rubberized genitals of any species can Be Granted Even With low credit.
4) Fixed Rate Of The Loan interest is 3% compounded hourly.


GENITAL LOAN APPLICATION DETAILS

Full Names (if you have a dozen, list them all please):............
Gender (male, female, trans, bi, WTF, penguin...whatever the f**k you think you is):....................
Marital status (not that this really matters, but it tell us lots if you are married and want this sh**):.........
Contact Address:...........
City/Zip code:..................
Country:........................
State:..........................
Age (we like to know the age of our customer perverts):...........................
Monthly Income:..............
Type Of Genitals Wanting To Borrow:...................
For How Long You Want Them:............
Date You Want Genitals To Arrives By:............

How Manys You Want Of Each:..................
Purpose You Intends for Our Rubberized Genitals (try not to be too crude, but explicit may be necessary):.................

Are You Interested In Weekly Specials (like four for the price of one piranha genitals ahead of Halloween):...................
Phone Number:....................
Personal Phone Number:.........
Fax Number:......................


    In acknowledgment to these details, We will send you a well calculated mental health profile which will include the agreement’s of  this transaction, we will want you to fill the borrower's information
above  and return back to us as soon as possible so that we canproceed further in manufacturing your rubberized genitals.  

 

 

Mr. James Owens Loan Company seemed not so eager to respond to my pet rock's seriously disturbed edit.

 

"Am NOT!!!"

 

More Loans 'n Moans

The picture here is where online loans begin. 

When they are received here, this is where they end.  Granted, the volume of these out there is such that it's obvious the online loan scam still works with some really low information sorts.  And always ends badly for anyone stupid enough to think a bunch of Nigerians -- or anyone else in West Africa -- has millions to loan at cheap interest.

Though my pet rock, Seymour, thinks he can find a legitimate loan there.

"Do NOT!!!"

Of late, the loan scammers have been leaving comments at the blog, posting both fauxtestimonials from "satisfied clients" in the hopes of convincing those of you who visit here to be their next victim, as well as outright advertisements for their own loan scam.

And of course, I am all about fairness...I edit both and share them with a variety of loan scammers.

My pet rock says that proves that I am NOT fair. 

Seymour is right.

Take the latest online loan scammer for instance...here's what he placed on my blog in comments on another of my scambaits:

We give loan to private company and individuals. You can find
some vital information about the loan we offer below. In getting a
loan from our company, there are some information we need to pass
across to you before we can proceed to the application process . And
the Borrowers are to get back to me on this information so that will
can Proceed on time okay..

INTEREST RATE: In the loan we offer, we do charge 2% Interest rate.

AMOUNT GIVEN: We Give Out A Minimum Amount Of $5,000.00 to A Maximum
of $100,000.000

INFORMATION NEEDED: As for the information needed, you will need to
fill an application which contains your personal information and also
the loan information,

HOW DO I APPLY? Please fill this application form below:

LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name:....................
Country:.....................
State:..............
City:...........
Sex:....................
Phone No:...........
Loan Amount :............
Loan Duration:.................
Have You Applied Before?......................
Monthly income:.......................
..............
Occupation:................... ...........
Duration Of Loan.......................... ...........  

 

So that's what it looked like when the scammer sent it.  Here's what it looked like after I got done widdit:

 

 

We give genital lyposuction to private company and individuals.

Yes, we does that.  You can find some vital information about the loan

we offer below. Not truthful information, but vital in so far as it relates

to the scam we're running.

In getting a loan from our company, there are some informations we need

to obfuscate before we can proceed to the application process. And
the Borrowers are to get back to me on this information so that will
can Proceed on time okay.  Because Ogun say time is funny.

I don't think Ogun read that right, but everyone afraid of Ogun so no one

correct him.

INTEREST RATE: In the loan we offer, we do charge 2% Interest rate, compounded

hourly in West African francs.  We gotta get toilet paper from somewhere.

AMOUNT GIVEN: We Give Out A Minimum Amount Of $5,000.00 to A Maximum
of $100,000.000.  We actually ain't got that to loan, but what the f**k does we care

once you pay our fees?

INFORMATION NEEDED: As for the information needed, you will need to
fill an application which contains your personal information and also
the loan information.  Fill this out as if you expect to get a loan from us.

HOW DO I APPLY?   Bend over and get it right from us.  Hooba dooba.

FAUX LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name:....................
Country:.....................
State:..............
City:...........
Sex:....................

What You Last Has Sex With:................

Was It Gooder Than Say, Sodomy With Porcupine:..........................
Phone No:...........
Loan Amount :............
Loan Duration:.................
Have You Applied Before?*......................
Monthly income:.......................
..............
Occupation:................... ...........
Duration Of Loan**.......................... ...........

*  if you have, then you already know our scam and *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* you are disqualifried.

**  we already asked that, but we are Third World attention deficit disodored...  

 

 

I'm sure that sooner or later some scam legal firm will contact me about my unfair "giving the business" practices with the scammers.  I have edits ready for that, too...

 

Loan Shahk

Online loan companies aren't a dime a dozen; they cost more than that.

But the vast majority of them ain't worth the dime.

I received the following 'quick' loan offer from a company that I'm sure you'll recognize as being 'quick' with the offer, and even quicker with the scam:

Do you need an urgent loan?

Name:

Country:

Amount:

Duration:

Phone number:

The email was sent by "Kruse Services" with an email of krusefastloans@gmail.com.

Of course, when you receive one of these in an unsolicited email that is addressed to you as "undisclosed recipients", you're all over jumping right on it, aren't you?

You are if you're the kind of mugu they're counting on you to be.

Well...I revamped their rather concise loan offer email a bit in order to give it some pizzazz.  For instance:

From: Kruse Services krusefastloans@gmail.com
To:
Sent: Tuesday, December 11, 2012 12:10 PM
Subject: Yowza

Do you need an urgent loan?  Don't we all?  Well here at Kruse Fast Loans, we don't loan money.  Hell, anyone can do that.  No, here at Kruse Fast Loans, we loan things that are unique, unusual, and not so much thought of as loanable.    For instance, have you ever had need of borrowing a fruitcake, so that no one will get you one during the holidays, because you're still working off the one that's been handed down from generation to generation, back to the time of Nero?  We can loan you that fruitcake.   Need a platypus testicle for a scavenger hunt?  A piranha genital that eats whatever it gets near?  A laminated and handsomely mounted 65 million year old dropping from a pterydactyl?  A stuffed turkey that can do the macarena?  A telephone that farts as its ring tone?  An African gray parrot that curses in 180 languages and answers phones?  An authentic replica of Hugo Chavez' prostate (which strangely resembles Danny Glover)?  An authentic Japanese kamikaze parachute, never opened?    No request is too peculiar here at Kruse Fast Loans.  Just try us:   Name: Country: What You Want To Borrow: Why You Want Borrow It: For How Long: In 100 Words Or Less, Tell Us How You Plan To Use it: *Note:  If Your Use Is Adjudged To Be 'Kinky', You May Have 5000 Additional Words To Explain It In Very Great Detail: Phone number:   Email us at  krusefastloans@gmail.com  and we'll get back to you soonerest!

I don't know how many of the 100 or so scammers I copied on the email responded to the offer, but the email originator didn't seem to appreciate my efforts on his behalf:

i dont apprecate this 

Oh I don't know...I rather thought I helped your loan appreciation with some colorful oomph to your presentation.  It pretty well sucked, you know?

At any rate, his depreciation of my improvement to his email offer resulted in no further communications from Kruse Services.

And I so wanted to see about borrowing a piranha genital, to see if it would eat the leftovers marauding in my 'fridge...