Generally Speaking -- II

General Patton wasn't one to be putting anyone on.

Except in MAD Magazine.

Once again, one of my characters got themselves an email from a general.  A lieutenant general.

From Nigeria.

Uh huh.

Here's -- in Kelly's Heroes lingo -- where he puts on the clean uniforms and the ties that get to ride the trucks into the town and make their pitch:


OFFICE OF THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER

TO THE PRESIDENT FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

GET BACK TO ME AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVINIENCE

 

Attention,

 

I am Lt. Gen. Peter Olu, National Security Adviser to the New President Gen. Muhammadu Buhari, GCFR Federal Republic of Nigeria. I decided to contact you because of the prevailing security report reaching my office and the intense nature of policy in Nigeria. This is to inform you about our plan to send your fund to you via cash delivery. This system will be easier for you and for us. We are going to send your contract part payment of US5.2 Million to you via diplomatic courier service.

Note: The money is coming on two security proof boxes. The boxes are sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine. This fund was brought to us from America; it was meant for our Local AFEM market. But since the money was not used, I will use my position as the National Security Adviser to the President to send this fund to you.

The boxes are coming with a Diplomatic agent who will accompany the boxes to your house address. All you need to do now is to send to me

 

1. Full Name: .........

2. Telephone Numbers: ...........

3. Your Age: ........

4. Your Sex: ...........

5. Your Occupation: ............

6. Your Country: ............

7. City: ...........

8. Your Home Address: ................

9. Marital Status: ................

10.Your identity such as, international passport or driver license........................

 

The Diplomatic attached will travel with it. He will call you immediately he arrives your airport. I hope you understand me.

I will let you know by the special grace of God when the boxes are airlifted.

 

Note: The diplomatic does not know the original contents of the boxes. What l declared to them as the contents is Sensitive Photographic Film Material. I did not declare money to them please. If they call you and ask you the contents please tell them the same thing Ok, I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate that will be tagged on the boxes to make it stand as a diplomatic consignment.

This clearance will make it pass every custom checkpoint all over the world without hitch. Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message. If you need more information about this, I will give you the details how to contact the diplomat for more information on how to carry out the plan.

I need you response because the boxes are schedule to leave as soon as we hear from you. Reply me immediately you receive this message via Email (olup9580@gmail.com ) Call me on my direct PH/FAX: ( 234-7011830698:Fax:234-12270511)

Best Regards,

Lt. Gen. Peter Olu  

 

 

So convincing.  My character initially replied to this thus:

 

No crapinola????  You're a REAL general?  I'll be go to fart and sh** instead.  How come I'm eligible for $5.2 million?  

 

 

That reply did NOT get my character any further repartee with da General.

 

Okay, fine:  it'sssssssssssssssssssssssssss  EDIT time:

 

 

ORIFICE OF THE NATIONAL SUCKURITY ADVISER

TO THE PATHETIC PRESIDENT FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

GET BACK TO ME NOW YOU PANSY-ASSED JACKWAGON

 

Stand At Attention You Suck Egg Mule: 

I am Lt. Gen. Peter Olu, National Suckurity Adviser to the New President Gen. Muhammadu Buhari Goatpoker, GCFR Federal Republic of Nigeria. I decided to contact you because of the prevailing suckurity report reaching my orifice and the intense nature of policy clusterf**ks in Nigeria. This is to inform you about our plan to send 25,000 mechanized gazelle around your flank and overrun you in place, candyass.  This system will be easier than you think, since your twatwaffle of a fauxtus is as inept as any world leader has ever been.

Note: don't piss off our gazelle division.  They are special farces trained and know all the latest in covert opps.  I trained them personally.

After the gazelle division has run your flank and taken over your capital -- and bent over ol' Horseface, since these gazelle are trained to think like Somali pirates with four legs and gazelle genitalia -- they will hunt you down and bend you over like an intern auditioning to be Bill Clinton's next genital humidor.  You personally can avoid that treatment and all you need to do now is to send to me

 

1. Full Name: .........

2. Telephone Numbers: ...........

3. Your Age: ........

4. Your Sex: ...........

5. Your Sexual Preference when being raped by a gazelle ............

6. Your Country: ............

7. City: ...........

8. Your Home Address: ................

9. Marital Status: ................

10.Your identity such as, international passport or driver license........................ 

Note: The diplomatic that we are sending to negotiate your surrender to our gazelle division does not know just how nasty our special farces/special opps trained gazelle are.  What l declared to him was simply follow his f**king orders and negotiate your surrender. I did not declare to him that he will be the sex toy of all those horny gazelle if they fail to overrun your capital.  If they call you and ask you "WTF?", you are to tell them the same thing Ok, I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement. I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate that will be tagged on the boxes to make it stand as a diplomatic consignment.

 

This clearance Clarence will roger over, huh?  Yes, I saw Airplane too.  One occasionally manages to fly over our country from time to time, without crashing.  Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message. If you need more information about this, f**k off; I will tell you what you need to know when the f**k you need to know it, Ass Face.  

 

 Reply me immediately you receive this message via Email (olup9580@gmail.com ) Call me on my direct PH/FAX: ( 234-7011830698:Fax:234-12270511).  That's an ORDER.

At Ease,

Lt. Gen. Peter Olu

Apparently, I made the edit sound too much like Patton for the scammer to be able to respond to.

 

You don't reckon that, like Pinkly in The Dirty Dozen, he really AIN'T a general now, do ya?