Monday, August 31, 2015

Micros Gone Soft

Bill Gates wants to give me $5 million usd.

Don't sez so right h'yar in this email I wuz received just the other day:

You have been gifted $5 MILLION USD From Mr Bill Gates. Contact me at this email for your claim:

I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a sum of $5,000,000,00 USD, our information below is 100% legitimate  


Still...not given to looking a gift geek in the horse -- and my pet rock Seymour says I'll be sawwy I didn't jump all over this -- I decided to be truly magnanimous and let someone ELSE have my $5 million usd.  I'll settle for editing the email:

Greetings and fallopian tubes (my up and coming competitor to YouBoobs)

You have been gifted $5 MILLION USD From Mr Bill Gates. Contact him at this email for your claim:  Uh...wait a sec...ain't that me?  I'm doing WHAT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I hope this information causes you to wet yourself as I just did.  I kinda know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a sum of $5,000,000,00 USD, our information below is 100% illegitimate, please see the link below...oh dang...I gotta git me a five year old in here to help me figger out this internet crap.  Never mind the link; just read on.

I BILL GATES and approve of massage that I found on Ashley't tell my wife, mm'kay?

After deciding this morning that I am what I feel and my wife had switched places in bed with the pet llama, I decided it was a good time fauxnate the sum of $5,000,000,00 USD to you as part of our charity project to improve the online suckurity of Ashley Madison -- I was an investor therein, dammit -- all over the world from our $65 Billion Usd I and My Wife Mapped out to help gazebos and other animals that sneeze and can't say gesundheit.  We prayed and searched over the internet for assistance to find those waskilwy hackers that exposed our Unseemly Valley collective of cheatin' hearts and i saw your profile on Ashley Madison and I thought to myself, "yowza, whadda yutz" and picked you. Melinda my wife picked your cousin Bubba???  I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see, so I turned it over to a class of 2nd graders in rural Iowa, since their computer literacy kicks the snarf outta mine.  As you've probably seed from my hacked Ashley Madison webpage -- bastards -- I am not getting any younger and now that Melinda seed that profile you can imagine having no much time to live 'cuz she's now chasing my ass with a taser and frying pan.

I've never seen one of the latter before...not sure it's designed to wear as she's claiming it is. 

You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate demoncrap fiends at planned aborrenthood, before I die at the hands of Melinda and that cast iron 'hat' she's trying to fit my haid with, I  decided to see if the hackers that exposed my profile on Ashley Madison -- I was "Geek God of Unseemly Valley" -- donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in heat....dang, is the smellchecker supposed to do that, autoincorrect my syntax errors?  *Make note for five year olds to work on that, too*  
Now let's see if we can get this part to work....*violin music from Young Frankenslime*...we have kept just 30% of the entire sum to our self for the remaining days because i am no longer strong am sick and am writing you from hospital computer...Melinda caught up to me with that frying pan and I can tell you that is NOT fit to wear...ow.  I will be traveling to
Germany for Treatment because that idiot Obola wrecked our hellthcare here.

To facilitate the payment process of the funds ($5,000,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to you and any other potential dupe this email reaches....gawddangit, where's that five year old with the autoincorrect???

Anyway, you are to send us
your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............
your first born yak and a box of condoms..................

so that i can figure out why this now pan-shaped haid of mine is making the vision of a yak and condoms excite me. 

I am hoping that that class of five year olds can fix the computer weakness that allowed my Ashley Madison account to get exposed....having a frying pan shaped haid sucks....I know understand the angst Wile E. Coyote felt, sorta.  He mighta been on Ashley Madison too.

Please, if nothing else, you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of frying pans shaping haids in your region, help as many you can help once you have this money in your personal account because that is the I ching...not the Gawdfaddah.  

I hope to thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed reprehensible?  WILL SOMEONE PLEASE DISCONNECT THAT DANGED AUTOINCORRECT????

You Can Google my name to see pictures of my surrogates chasing three peckered goats around a ewe convent.  Ashley Madison attracted all kinds.

Remain a bed wetter,

Mr Bill Gates....Mr. Frying Pan Haid in Unseemly Valley  
My pet rock is convinced I just blew $5 million usd.  My pet rock tried to register on Ashley Madison.


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Friday, August 28, 2015

A Cosmic "Just Kidding"

That sounds about like msnbc.

At any rate, online rumors are apparently rife that a big ass-teroid is going to hit Earth in late September, and totally ruin Puerto Rico as a destination welfare resort.


My pet rock, Seymour, says "oh goodie, another Pulitzer opportunity in editing!"

My pet rock, and how easily deluded.

"Am NOT!!!"

Seymour, we'll let the readers be the judge:

Breathe easy: NANA says asteroid will destroy Earth next month but will only be kidding when it does it

By Seymour PetRock – WTF News Soivice

ROCKet Science This Isn't (see what the writer just did there?)

Breathe easy: NANA says asteroid will destroy Earth next month but will only be kidding when it does it     

The world can breathe easy unless they're in zero gravity without an airpak. 
In other news, a giant asteroid is or isn't hurtling toward Earth about to wipe out much of the long-since not-so-greater Deadtroit area. Or it's going to land near Puerto Rico. Or it's going to land on Hellary's email server. Or Donald Trump's 'doo.'s going to take out Iran and rescue the worst American fauxtus in history from his own abject stupidity.

OR...NANA says that it's a giant “inflatable” asteroid and is, according to some scientists, “ rather like a large whoopee cushion and won't really mean it”, if it hits Earth, the Moon, or goes on to chase the Mars rover around some before going off into the deep space between Marie Harf's ears.
A toilet swirly of online rumors, blogs and offbeat news sites have claimed a major asteroid will impact Earth in mid- to late September near Puerto Rico or other points unrelated, totally screwing up the 2015 Fantasy Football League and pretty much screwing the pooch for the regular NFL too before Deflate-Gate can be resolved for an HBO pay-us-to--view movie starring Bent Afflack as Tom Brady, Ronda Rousey as “Gronk” and Hellary Clinton in a cameo as Bill Belichick, which is sure to get a renewed 'war on women” claim from #LeftistIdiotsMatterOnUranus.

Of more unimportance, it might give a modicum of hope to Hank Johnson, (dumbass) GA, regarding his prediction of Guam tipping over.

While msnbc gives 24/7 coverage for this event to it's five or so viewers, a researcher at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory's Don't Fart In Space office says this:

“There is no scientific basis — not one shred of evidence — that proves that Debbie Wasserman Schultz is NOT related to Medusa or any other asstro-located 'roid”.

But if the theory doesn't prove entirely baseless, NANA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory said in a post this week that the asteroid is “only kidding”, and “won't mean any harm to wherever it hits, if it does in fact hit something, somewhere”. NANA pointed out that doomsday theorists have made similar predictions in the past, including when Classic Coca Cola was cancelled and The Gong Show went off the air, all of which were not backed up by science or Nielsen ratings and turned out to be false.  The Gong Show remains on the air in the guise of Obola press conferences.

Again, Seymour thinks he's got a sure Pulitzer with this one.  I see a sure "Pull My Fanger" here.


Seymour, remember what they said about that in zero gravity...

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Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Flauxpper Is a What?

They say you can't tune a fish...but you can train Flipper to be a spy?

Hamas thinks so.

Then again, Hamas screws small animals, blows up innocents and gets regularly tattooed by Israel.

My pet rock, Seymour, saw where Hamas claims to have captured a dolphin that was allegedly in the service of Israel's Mossad.


Seymour thought the idea so...typical of Hamas, he decided to don his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat and have at it:

Hamas Claims Captured Dolphin Is Israeli 007

Hamas claims the dolphin was disguised to infiltrate and get naval commandos drunk on stirred martinis just for the halibut.

By Seymour PetRock – WTF News Soivice

Hamas has captured a dolphin that it first believed was working for MI-6, but later decided that it was working for Israeli spy agency Mossad; and then later suggested that it was working for the CIA, then the FBI, then the EPA, IRS, New England Patriots (it looked a bit underinflated), Hellary Clinton crimepaign (an oversized wet pant suit was found)...and at last report believed that the dolphin was working for the Donald Trump campaign.

According to reports the dolphin was captured several weeks ago, and was said to have been equipped with "spying equipment" including a Sherlock Holmes hat, magnifying glass, devices that would allow it to walk on land for hours without wetting, a burkah (to mix with the population), cameras, video and voice recorders, a rectal thermometer and a genuine love for the gopher in Caddy Shack.

A Hamas source's claims were publicised by Israel's Army Radio which did a two hour mockumentary about it, acknowledging that while Israel has a fleet of Dolphin class submarines, Hamas has Depends with explosives woven into each crotch that they regularly neuter themselves with when they accidentally prick the detonator prematurely while getting excited looking at the centerfolds of the CamelMate Centerfold of the Jihad.

Hamas said the dolphin was picked up by Hamas' bass boat wing, the Ezzedine al-Roland Martin Brigades. The animal's fate is not yet sending Green Peace and American lefties into sphincter spasms like Cecil the lion did.

The Palestinian newspaper AlGorezzera reported that the commandos became wary when they spotted the dolphin making "suspicious gestures" just outside the port of Gaza.

It claimed that Hamas suspects the dolphin was used to film AlGorezzera's lousy attempt to remake Team America World Police into something that the terrorists win in, and was delivering a rating of a ½ spoiled anchovy when it was critiqued by a bearish audience.

Claims that Israel is using animals for espionage purposes are not new - in 2012 a rented pterodactyl from Dream Works was seen with look-thru burkah imaging equipment flying over Sudan with locals claiming it was looking for date for George Soros.

In 2010 Iran said several Israel-controlled land sharks may have been involved in candy gram attacks on Iranian mullahs in Teheran.

And twice in recent years Turkish media have highlighted the scene in Airplane where Peter Graves asks the young lad visiting the cockpit if “he'd ever seen a growd Turk nekked” while Kareem Abdul Jabbar wanted to punch out the kid for dissing his NBA play, and suspecting that somehow this was coded Mossad espionage from a Get Smart episode. 


It is the not first time that dolphins – usually known as one of the world's most intelligent animals - have been accused of being used by the DNC for fraudulent voting to elect sleazeballs like Obola and Hellary. 

My pet rock still thinks he's on the path to a Pulitzer.  With photos like these, he'll be lucky to manage a PullMyFanger.


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Saturday, August 22, 2015

North Korea Goes Backwoid

Kim Jong Un strikes again.

So does my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour.

North Korea has turned it's clocks back.

Screwed up as the country is, it didn't have far to go.

It gave my pet rock an editing gem:

North Korea Wakes Up To 1950 And Goes Back To Sleeps Again

By Seymour PetRock – WTF News Soivice

North Korea began moving to a new rhythm on Saturday as bells, whistles and ships' sirens sounded a midnight shift to a different time zone and clocks turned back 65 years.     

Related Stories

  1. N. Korea turns back its cocks to crow 1950 style WTF Relapse News
  2. N. Korea puts back its hour glasses to adopt 'Pyongyang Time' – Kim Jong Un in a Howdy Doody Outfit on KGAG Radio BFD
  3. S. Korea president laughs at 'Pyongyang Time' BFD
  4. North Korea Does The Time Warp...And Almost Collides With Marty McFly  Horkington Post
  5. North Korea push clocks back as a snub to Rolex Assinine Press              
The move to "Pyongyang Time" coincided with the 65th anniversary of the North Korea's attempt to mess up the entire peninsula, and means the two Koreas now operate in different time zones: South Korea operates in 2015, North Korea in 1950.

The South has ridiculed the change, while Pyongyang has mocked Seoul for remaining modern.

Midnight came twice for North Koreans on Friday night as they rigorously tortured and retrained their cocks back more than half-a-century, and state television went PHFFFFT because they didn't have it in 1950.

At the same time, factories, trains and ships across the country went black.

South Korean President Park Geun-Hye was amused by Pyongyang's move to shift back to 1950.  The North responded by calling her a "sycophant, which is erephant that not rook good".

The use of Pyongyang Time is "aimed at erasing all traces of modernization," the state radio KGAG announcer said.    South Korea had briefly turned its clocks back in 1954 but decided modernization beat going stone age.

North Korea's rationale for making it's cocks crow like it's 1950 is...well...a strictly Kim Jong Un touch. He hasn't yet realized that his recently touted “modernized” airport's only flushing toilet just vanished, as Pyongyang had no airport or flushing toilets in 1950. It also sets back Kim's efforts to get himself made lead villian in a new Parker/Stone Team America World Police sequel, since he has no DVD to play it on, let alone TV.

The official North Korean time and cock keeper has reportedly been executed over this.  

Kim Jong Un really needs to quit making this so easy for Seymour...

"Does NOT!!!"

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Tuesday, August 18, 2015

The Need...To Emotively Bleed

It's kinda funny how some people will jump on a band wagon because of political correctness, even as they have to dumb down to do it.

A high school cheerleader in Texas or wherever posts a picture of her big game hunting and posing with a trophy...and the left goes bonkers.

A dentist kills a lion in Zimbabwe -- one that's regarded as famous thereabouts -- and the left goes bonkers.

I hunted as a kid.  I shot a turkey that wasn't my intended target.  That makes me bad in the eyes of you lefties.


Planned Parenthood sells baby parts.  All you hear from the left is *crickets*.

Typical leftist hypocrisy of which there is no end..and I digress.

I get that there are animal lovers out there, and not all of them are irrational leftists.  I'm a dog and cat lover myself.  I have nothing against other animals, though I don't admit to feeling much angst when a carnivore of any kind winds up removed from the scene because they'd become a danger to humans.

Yeah, I get that we inhabit and encroach on their habitat.  For progressives who like to keep changing their name periodically to mask what they really are, our winning the battle of survival and life is called progress.  At least for now. 

We make and build things that make the world a better place.  We grow things that feeds billions of others like us.  We know how to handle remotes, TIVOs, 3D and 'virtual reality' entertainment and guns.

Carnivores we're misplacing would be in our shoes if they'd figured out guns and remotes before we did.

At any rate, in the world of political correctness, it's fashionable to feel angst for an animal that's gunned down by a high school cheerleader or a dentist.

If this were the dentist, perhaps more than just the left would be cheering on the lion.

Some ex-teacher from the East -- leftist leaning, amusingly enough -- did an experiment.  He took the picture at the top of this post (without the print that's on this one), posted it on Faceplant, and simply said that this person was bad for having hunted and killed a living creature.  And then having posted it, he waited for the politically correct reaction he was pretty sure he'd get.

And got:

The enraged commenter knew that this was famed movie director Steven Spielberg in the picture.  But that didn't matter; she was never going to watch another movie he made because of the terrible thing he did to "this animal". 

An artificial movie prop of an extinct dinosaur from millions of years ago.

It didn't matter how stupid she made herself look; she reacted politically correctly.  And she wasn't the only one.  While it appears that the majority of commenters seemed to get the point being made by the poster, there were those who reacted emotionally and politically correctly to the image, and expressed rage at Spielberg.

Incidentally...the movie prop in the movie Jurassic Park was sick...not shot.

Eh...facts aren't allowed to get in the way of emotive political correctness.  Rather like how looters in Ferguson and Burntimore are looked upon by the politically correct in the lamestream servile mediocre corps as victims, rather than the criminals that they actually are.

Bill Whittle had a brilliant observation about this phenomenon that he referred to as The Great Unlearning: How Our Society Became so Stupid | PJTV.  And it's spot on with the Spielberg 'experiment'.

The emotive politically correct simply need to...emotively bleed as part of the political correctness movement.  And dang all of us that don't join them.  I'm happy to be danged...I'm too busy laughing my ass off at them.

Can I get an "awwwwwwwwwwww" for this poor dinosaur from the politically correct?


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Saturday, August 15, 2015

Dang That Privilege...Or Whatever

A reverend with a Dr thrown in is white, privileged, and feels terribly guilty about it.

The “reverend” and “Dr.” in the same title had me believing that he was an email scammer.

The more I read his schtick, the more I became convinced that he must be.

My pet rock, Seymour – the expert “editor” around here – is on a bit of a geologic sabbatical, so this edit falls to me. Which I will indulge in, happily:

In a recent column in the empty-headed bird cage liner Salon, a Rev. Dr. John C. Dorkheimer sadly revealed that he received a pHd in White Privilege, and hence lives a life of perpetual guilt and shame that he had once laughed at an old TV commercial -- depicting two old white elites sitting next to each other in fancy cars, with one asking the other “Pardon moi, but would you have any gray poop on?”, and the other responding “why you bloody wanker”, getting out of his car and beating the snarf out of the other guy – and only now he realized that he dreamed that commercial in a fit of racially engendered night guilt that he wasn't born a cow instead.

Or something like that. 

At any rate, having achieved one of the most useless doctorates in the history of liberal white male feminincompoopism, the Rev Dr felt compelled by demons at a hellary satanic cult crimepaign dally to write a column, titled "I'm White And Here's Unrelated Reasons That I Suck", which sounds like something Saturday Night Live will get around to doing a bit on one day when they think they've run out of rehashed material.

Heed ye well, as yonder he bloviates:

Dear White Men, 

You are persons of Newark.  Well, at least some of you are.

What does it mean to be persons of Newark? Beats the hell out of me; I've just spent years and a ton of student loan money I expect to be relieved of having to repay.  Why?  Because I went out and got me a pHd in something that will never create, design, build, market, or improve the human race one nano amoeba fart. But it did allow me to feel guilty about caucasianism, maleism, privilegism and the fact that my dog is NOT getting enough cheese. Aside from the digression, not many people would have the talent to throw thousands of dollars and thousands of hours away on a degree that, with fifty cents, won't get you a decent bowl of soup from the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld.

But I can feel good about me now. Phffffft. You can' don't have this pHd. I do.

Like Hellary on her quest for self centered inevitability, you are a fluke of the universe and you have no right to be here. And it doesn't depend on what your diefinition of “it” is. This letter, written by one of my multiple tortured and twisted personalities – I'm also a transspecied female dolphin trapped in the body of a guilt-ridden human male pHd that's yearning for an ESPY – is offered to invite you on a journey of visuals usually accompanied by severe bowel cramps. 

Privilege can be hard to see, until your cat attacks your tallywacker after a shower. Then you wonder what good it was having not got a pet rock instead. 

One of the four reasons I wrote this paper is because there's a sale at Cabelas. Another reason that I wanted to make more germaine but it wound up Dutch, is that we aren't getting development arrested at four times our population rate, even though it seems like we're arresting development pretty well on college campuses.
 So why aren't we doing better at guilt-tripping?

We aren't being followed when walking through a goat herd wearing a “Butt Me” t-shirt. 

We don't try to loot anything in Toledo. 

The joys of feeling guilty about privilege pale in comparison to a bucket of buffalo chicken wings and the NFL Game of the Week. 

Our children aren't sitting in classrooms with ISIS. Unless they're in Syria. 

Our churches aren't being turned into bingo parlors. Dammit. 

We are not saying to ourselves as part of a non-colored man's code of conduct that if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, then why is a ram in the ass a goose?  

We are not saying to ourselves “why didn't I abort myself like the parents of Hellary should have?” 

We are not saying to ourselves "Wow, that 24 ounce genital piercing is gonna leave a mark when the morphine wears off, dude." 

The journey to seeing and understanding the pernicious consequences of confusing Preparation H with Polygrip includes the harder work of figuring out “WTF?”   I have started practicing this as a discipline. That's what my pHd is good for. Neener. 

When I walk into a convenience store to get a receipt for my gas and the young woman at the counter greets me with a smile and a kind word, I tell myself "What would Batman do with a Slurpee to make her not smile at him?" 

When I see a highway patrolman pass me by while I'm exceeding the speed limit or, as actually happened two weeks ago, I get pulled over for that and  get tased for refusing to let the officer see my Nancy Pelosi mole on my butt, I say to myself: "That happened because of the large genital wart on my nose that looks like Donald Trump's hair." 

When I drive through the many border checkpoints we have set up here in Washington DC – to keep out Donald Trump's ex-TV shows – I say to myself: "That is the result of my voting democrap and being dumber than a door knob." 

I don't know in the end if any of those were would have been written if I'd been clean of meth for the last 48 hours. That isn't the point of this exercise. The point is to get whatever rag publishes this crap to pay me so I can keep my meth buzz going. 

I want to be clear about something: pillow fights don't kill people. Anvil fights do.  

I want to be clear about something else: whatever solutions are going to come will require Congress to pass a law that our empty chair fauxtus will sign and the Supreme Court won't overturn, that outlaws anvil fights. We can't get there without this basic awareness. And nachos.  A crapload of nachos.

When I was learning that it sucks to be me at Enema Insertion University, the assignment I left unfinished every day was this: "Why does Noel have an “L” in it?” That's not the reason I passed that course; it was the goat turd I slipped in the professor's latte that got me where I'm not sure I am today.

Of course I blame Dubya.  Everyone else as stupid as me has been since 2009, so it seemed like the thing to do. 

The point I'm not getting anywhere near making here is this, and there is a reason for that:  privilege comes at a price – I paid $19.95 through Ronco for mine, and got a second one absolutely free. Supplies were limited. And that kind of privilege makes me uncomfortable when I can get the second one free and someone from Uranus can't because they don't know the value of getting a second one free because they can't read the Disclaimer in the first place. 

Therefore, I extend an invitation to a Taylor Swift concert and therein seeing that all that transcends the Ages of Miley Cyrus twerking, engenders the kind of discomfort that one experiences from wearing your pants down around your knees. Not that Taylor does that; she keeps her belly button covered.  A lot of us would probably love to see Taylor wear her short shorts like a five finger discounter in Ferguson.

Don't worry about carrying the burden of solving this or any other pervasive injustice: for good reason, you don't have the pHd that I do – neener – so I'll take care of it. When all varieties of hamburger buns are treated equally, that is what they have to teach us about what will be required for true equality to emerge.  Hotdogs will not be so treated, thereby exposing the blatant, non sequitur thread of illogic and hypocrisy of my entire paper, dagnabbit. 

The acceptance of this invitation, and the resulting years of work it will take us all to open our eyes to that we have been conditioned to ignore for the sake of deep fried mozzarella sticks, is the first step in the proverbial journey of a thousand snail miles. Liberal male feminincompoop obola voters in America, I invite you to join me and Obolascare Pajama Boy in ignoring that road and having meth 'n coffee in the basement of the DNC, while we try to figure out if Debbie Wasserman-Schultz really IS related to Medusa.  Your results may vary, but probably not much.  

I hope he doesn't mind if I don't care if he minds that I'll pass.  My mind is made up; DWS is a dubious antecedent of Medusa...

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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Even Shorter Circuit

Number 5 is apparently NOT amused.

Here comes a web design scam out of...get ready for it...INDIA.

Or at least it says it's from there.

It might originally be from Pittsburgh.

Either and or eyether, here's the original pitch:

 On Saturday, July 18, 2015 11:10 AM, Deepak sharma> wrote:    


I sincerely hope you are doing well.

We are an INDIA based Web Design company with a primary focus on SEO based Website Design & Development (ASP, ASP.Net, Java, Perl and PHP development).

We have a dedicated team of 130 professional designers, developers and SEO specialists; especially f or Graphic/Flash/3D designing.

We can assure you of getting quality w or ks. Most firms overseas have achieved a significant amount of savings by outsourcing either part of, or their entire w or k to us in India.

We would like you to give us an opp or tunity to w or k with your company and AMAZE you with our service.

Please let us know in case you are interested.

Kind Regards,
Deepak Sharma
Skype: snehadixit9  

Online Marketing Manager  
That's what he/they sent.  Putting my head together with my pet rock -- and quickly remembering why I don't do that...ow.. -- here's what went back:
Gratings and fallopian tubes,

I hope in sincerity that what you are doing in a well.

We are an INDIA based ink and what it is we screw is Web Design with a primary forcus on WTF based Webslight Design & Dissolution (ASP, ADDER,. Java, Folgers, Maxwell Horse, HUA and pHd development).

We have a constipated team of 130 mathematicians, all working it out with a pencil; if we can, that doesn't not mean that you can.

 We can assure you of getting quality w or tf. Most firms overseas have achieved a significant amount of down time by stripping geese themselves and pass the savings on to  us in India.

We would like us to give you an opp or tunity to w or k with our company and AMAZEBALLS us with your service.

Please let you know in case we are interested.

Kind Regards,
Deep Rack Ack Rack Charmin
Skype: snehadixit9     
Online Mousketeering MisManager
* pleased to see below an example of our fine web building soivices
I'm not surprised that ol' "Deepak" didn't write back.
The pet rock was...
"Was NOT!!!"

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Monday, August 10, 2015

The Loch Ness Monster Is A Wha...?

Mystery solved.  Again.

Experts say that "the" Loch Ness a catfish.

Yeah, I can see the resemblance here.

Granted, I've been hearing about the Loch Ness Monster -- aka, Nessie -- for years.

I've seen the alleged photo evidence.  And I've heard all the naysayer explanations debunking it.

Like the rumors of Big Foot and intelligence in the Democrap National Committee -- proof of which from the latter is devastatingly lacking -- the Loch Ness Monster remains a myth that is short of real proof, and short of absolute disallowance.

Nonetheless, here's a short story I picked up on Faceplant that claims to lay the myth to final rest:

Loch Ness Monster: Mythical Creature in Scottish Lake Is Likely Large Catfish, Expert Says
"Looking at all the evidence, speaking to eyewitnesses, the most likely solution is a Wels catfish," Steve Feltham told Sky News. Feltham said he has spent 24 years searching for the creature.  
So finally, we now *know* that the mythical "Bessie" a catfish.
Of course, the USAF continues to claim that, like anything else unusual and reported by the public, it's nothing more than a weather balloon:
I'm sure they will get around to adding Nessie's silhouette to this chart soon.
Meantime, Yahoo Gnus has assigned perky Katie Couric to interview the Loch Ness catfish:
Aw c'mon, Katie:  they only want you to actually do it before Brian Williams claims he did some years back when he resurfaces on msnbc...

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Friday, August 7, 2015

The Pet Rock Has Bad News For Hellary

Yeah, hrc ain't gonna much like this 'un.

My pet rock, Seymour, doesn't just like busting on Kim Jong Un.

A story about hrc's crimepaign proved to be editing fodder for the pet rock determined to win a Pullmyfanger award.

"Am NOT!!!"

AP-GfK Poll: Clinton's standing falls among dead voters

By Seymour PetRock several days worth of hours ago  

WASHINGTON (PRNS) — Hellary Rodham Clinton's standing is falling among dead voters, even in Shotcago, as corpses more and more view her as less decisive and inspiring than a cockleburr enema, according to a new Anal Probe-WtF poll.  

Related Stories      

  1. AP-WtF Poll: American pets view Clinton worse than thunderstorms and fireworks
  2. Do You Trust Her? More People Trust The Flu 
  3. The case for Joe Bidumb to run for professor of speech at Pox University
  4. Democrats are less popular than land mines and popcorn farts. Does it matter in Burntimore?

The survey offers a series of warning signs for the leading Democrapic candidate amongst one of her most consistent constituencies. Most troubling, perhaps, for her prospects are questions about her inability to wear anything other than pant suits.

Just 3.9 percent of all American dead in cemeteries registered without their knowledge to vote Democrap have a favorable view of Clinton, compared to almost 5% of illegal aliens from Uranus, from an AP-WtF poll conducted at the end of April.

Zombies have a 99% unfavorable view of Clinton, since they want brains and won't find them with her.

The drop in Clinton's numbers extends into some of the live ones in the Democrap Party. Seven in 10 Democraps gave Clinton a hearty “phffffffffffffft”, requiring Clinton crimepaign aides to overdub the raspberries with seal barks. Nearly half the seals in San Francisco Bay now say they see Clinton in an unfavorable light, too.

"I used to like her, then I heard her speak," said Donald Trump of an opposing view point. "Ever since I've had to listen to sound bytes of her I just haven't liked the way she's like fingernails on a blackboard. And she lies like my hair...not well."

While Clinton's favorability rating fell among the dead, Obola's ability to get media time ahead of Kim Kardashian's mondo ass stayed constant at 46 percent since April.

A good part of Clinton's decline is due to even dead people seeing how fake and insincere she is. Though Clinton has spent decades in the public eye, she hasn't gotten any better about lying and fabricating stuff.

The survey suggests that dead voters aren't sold on her reinvention: Only .01 in 10,000,000 dead voters say they view Clinton as "not more annoying than Beetlejuice." Just .001 in 10,000,000 said the word "honest" described her in any form whatsoever.
George Stephanknockabus, a Democrap political commontater says he finds Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders and Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren far less slimey than his former employer's wife – though he'll help his dead relatives vote for Clinton if he has to, though he'd rather hold his nose and have them vote for the Donald to get a hair piece.
The percentage of respondents calling Clinton better than an inflatable Joe Bidumb slipped from .04 percent to .037 percent.

Even the number of cartoon character voters saying Clinton is “ack PHOOEY” rose from 50 percent in April to 67 percent in the new poll.

"She's pretty much a substandard runt-of-the-mill Democrap," said Mark Mywords of what's left of Deadtroit, Michigan. "There's nothing really useful about her."

Other polls released this week show any TV show with the Kardashians polls about as well as watching a Lena Dunham colonoscopy seeking intelligent life. A Washington Pourous-msnbc survey found an uptick in web searches for pictures of Debbil Washingmachine Snitz with crossed eyes, while a Suckfolk University-cnn poll showed a largely net negative rating for what held-together-with-bondo Cher thinks about anything.

That means the downturn for Clinton among dead voters is a troubling trend for the pants suited dumpling Democrap candidate, underscoring the need for leftist vote fraudsters to start registering trees and shrubs to vote.

Democraps argue that a drop in her numbers is a predictable result of people figuring out what Hellary really is, and they demand that Obola sign an executive order banning making fun of this screechy broad. Republicans, meanwhile, attribute the drop to the fact that she's a piece of leftist crap.

Clinton's bad marks weren't unique: Nearly every TV show featuring painful rectal itch portrayed as msnbc shared her underwater approval ratings.
The AP-WtF Poll of 1,004 dead registered voters according to the DNC was conducted online telepathically using ITC technology to cross the Astral Bridge and determine results last Thursday to Monday, using a sample drawn from WtF's possumbility-based KnowNothingPanel, which is designed to be representative of the demographics of decedents in the U.S. Post-living population. The margin of sampling error for all respondents is plus 3.4 or minus 100 percentage points.
Respondents were first selected randomly using cemetery directories, and later interviewed online via the Astral Bridge. People selected for KnowNothingPanel were interviewed first by Watters; the stupider they sounded, the more likely they made the panel.  

Yeah, Seymour, I see a Pullmyfanger award in your future with this one.


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Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Seymour Weighs In On "Beany" (Obola) 'n Cecil

My pet rock, Seymour, has a bit of a different take on the controversy over the hunting of African lions and the shooting of the one called Cecil, in Zimbabwe.

By a dentist.

I've been to a dentist or two that I wish had shot me, instead of what they done.  I mighta thought to have shot THEM, after what they done.

Still, Seymour thinks the specific demise of 'Cecil' to a trophy hunter is regrettable.

He sees no comparable regret from panned people parts (aka, badly planned parenthood), and considers them far more reprehensible than a dentist.

That said...Seymour saw an article that the Obola regime wants to weigh in on Cecil, and that literally screamed for an edit, Seymour-style:

Killing a lion in Zimbabwe pressures Obola to urge more gun control in Zimbabwe

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Related Stories          

  1. Correction: Zimbabwe Zebra Not Mourning Cecil  Assassinated Press
  2. Correction: Zimbabwe To Obola: No Thanks, We've Seen How Your Gun Free Zones Work  Disassociated Press
  3. One Zimbabwe Lion vs How Many People Shot in Shotcago? Roto Rooters
  4. The Latest: Hundreds of Gazelle Protest Lions at Park Entrance Flatulence Press          
  5. Panned People Pieces Says “We've Never Killed a Lion!” Moron Watch        
     (WTF News Soivice) - The killing of Cecil the lion by a U.S. hunter in Zimbabwe has turned up the pressure on Washington to extend “gun free zones” to Zimbabwe.
The United States has one of the world's most flatulent protection law, the Endangered Feces Act, which has been extended by the U.S. Congress to themselves.
Adding the African lion to the U.S. list of those animals that cannot be hunted in the US would not prohibit Panned People Parts from doing the gruesome abortion crap that they do but it would require some African lions to be transplanted here before they could be protected from being hunted in the US.
Such a step would be pretty much ridiculous, but that would seem to be in line with so many other actions by the Obola regime, said Lindsay Lohan, reading from a script for a picture she thought she was auditioning for. When she realized it had nothing to do with a movie she threw the script to Fia Marrow, who took up the useless challenge of making something logical out of what never had a chance to be so.
"Snipe hunting has been identified as a threat to the continued existence of the species," said Marrow, whose group has back handed African lions whenever they got too close to drum circles in the Serengeti, and so far haven't been called on to establish 'hand free zones” so as to protect the lions from jackslaps.
In 2014, the US Fish and Wildlife Service proposed listing the African lion as threatening pretty much everything else if relocated here and putting about everything else but smart cars and Donald Trump under the U.S. Endangered Everything Act. [ID:nL1N10A2DB]
The top Democrap on the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Bela Pelosi, and 49 other House Democraps sent a letter on Thursday to the service asking it to restrict the relocated African lions to conservative voting districts, where they know they – the lions – will get shot in self defense, so #LionLivesMatter has something to protest, riot and loot stuff over.
Apart from the Endangered Feces Act covering the Obola regime, Congress, msnbc, Panned People Parts and Al Sharpton, zebras are barred under America's Lacey Act from wearing tutus that might confuse hunting lions and make their hairballs terminal. That law applies also applies to Hellary's crimepaign hindquarters in NYC.  No one wants to see Hellary in a tutu.
Officials in Zimbabwe had advised the Obola regime that “we've seen how effective your gun free zones in Burntimore, Deadtroit and Shotcago are, and we'll keep doing things our way”.
Josh Earnest couldn't be reached for comment, but Marie Barf is certainly working up a hashtag campaign sure to make grown people face palm.
Y' pet rock might just get hisself a Pulitzer yet.

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Saturday, August 1, 2015

More Yakety Yak

Here we go again.

Another scammer conference, seeking to milk fees out of unsuspecting "do gooders".

Here's how it arrived:

Dear Friend and Colleague, 

On behalf of (NYRO) National Youth Rights Organization, USA It is my pleasure to invite you to the International global combined event on Human Trafficking, Prostitution, Sex Work, Child Protection, taking place from September 15th - 18th 2015 in (Sheraton Atlantic City Convention Center, Atlantic City, New jersey, United States of America) and from September 21st - 25th 2015 at Dakar Conference Center Dakar-Senegal West -Africa, we are inviting people from various countries around the world

The aims of the conference are to bring together researchers and practitioners in an effort to lay the ground work for future collaborative research, advocacy, and program development as well as to educate social service, health care, and criminal justice professionals on human trafficking and the needs and risks of those victimized by the commercial sex industry If you are interested to participate and want to represent your country, you may contact the secretariat of the organizing committee by email:

If you are a holder of passport that may require visa to enter the United States, you may inform the conference secretariat at the time of registration, as the organizing committee is responsible for all visa arrangements and travel assistance

Please mark these dates in your diary and share the information with your colleagues

Mss theresa sebasi
(PhD) Activities Coordinator  

Yup...that's how it looked on arrival.  On departure to the scammer and a host of her friends and colleagues, it looked a bit different:

Dear Fiend and Collie, 

On behalf of (NYRO) National Yak Rape Organization, Russia, it is my perverse pleasure to invite you to the International global combined event on Animal Trafficking, Prostitution, Sex With Yaks, Yak Calf Molestation, taking place from September 15th - 18th 2015 in the basement of the Democrap National Committee Building in Warshingtongue, DC and from September 21st - 25th 2015 at Dakar Citizens Community Outhouse Pit, Dakar-Senegal West -Africa, we are inviting people from various countries around the world who are sexually perverted and like to do yaks.
No, dummy, not THAT kind of yak
Yes, dummy, THAT kind of yak

The aims of the conference are to bring together researchers, practitioners, fetishers, obsessioners and just plain "that's messed up" kinkys in an effort to lay the ground work for future collaborative advocacy and program development of yak rape, as well as to educate social service, health care, and criminal justice professionals on how to facilitate yak trafficking and the needs and risks to those who need to do yaks and can't get them from the commercial yak sex industry.  If you are interested to participate and want to represent your country the same way as Hildebeest Clinton and Obola have badly represented theirs, you may contact the secretariat of the organizing committee by email:

If you are a holder of passport that may require visa to enter the United States, and you wish to sexually get the most out of your yak experience, you may inform the conference secretariat at the time of registration, as the organizing committee is responsible for all visa arrangements and yak fondling assistance.

Please mark these dates in your diary and share the information with your yak-raping colleagues, peers and well...anyone.

Mss theresa sebasi

(pHd) Activities Coordinator
It's Just Lunch With Yaks, UnInc.  
Waiting to see if we are dealing with scammers that don't read responses, they just treat a reply as a potential sucker.
I'm sure they have that covered in the yak rape manual, too.

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