Monday, August 31, 2015

Micros Gone Soft

Bill Gates wants to give me $5 million usd.

Don't laugh...it sez so right h'yar in this email I wuz received just the other day:


You have been gifted $5 MILLION USD From Mr Bill Gates. Contact me at this email for your claim: billgatedonations@qq.com


I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a sum of $5,000,000,00 USD, our information below is 100% legitimate  


See?

Still...not given to looking a gift geek in the horse -- and my pet rock Seymour says I'll be sawwy I didn't jump all over this -- I decided to be truly magnanimous and let someone ELSE have my $5 million usd.  I'll settle for editing the email:


Greetings and fallopian tubes (my up and coming competitor to YouBoobs)

You have been gifted $5 MILLION USD From Mr Bill Gates. Contact him at this email for your claim:
billgatedonations@qq.com  Uh...wait a sec...ain't that me?  I'm doing WHAT?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I hope this information causes you to wet yourself as I just did.  I kinda know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a sum of $5,000,000,00 USD, our information below is 100% illegitimate, please see the link below...oh dang...I gotta git me a five year old in here to help me figger out this internet crap.  Never mind the link; just read on.



I BILL GATES and approve of massage that I found on Ashley Madison.com....don't tell my wife, mm'kay?
 

 
After deciding this morning that I am what I feel and my wife had switched places in bed with the pet llama, I decided it was a good time fauxnate the sum of $5,000,000,00 USD to you as part of our charity project to improve the online suckurity of Ashley Madison -- I was an investor therein, dammit -- all over the world from our $65 Billion Usd I and My Wife Mapped out to help gazebos and other animals that sneeze and can't say gesundheit.  We prayed and searched over the internet for assistance to find those waskilwy hackers that exposed our Unseemly Valley collective of cheatin' hearts and i saw your profile on Ashley Madison and I thought to myself, "yowza, whadda yutz" and picked you. Melinda my wife picked your cousin Bubba???  I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see, so I turned it over to a class of 2nd graders in rural Iowa, since their computer literacy kicks the snarf outta mine.  As you've probably seed from my hacked Ashley Madison webpage -- bastards -- I am not getting any younger and now that Melinda seed that profile you can imagine having no much time to live 'cuz she's now chasing my ass with a taser and frying pan.
 

 
I've never seen one of the latter before...not sure it's designed to wear as she's claiming it is. 

You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate demoncrap fiends at planned aborrenthood, before I die at the hands of Melinda and that cast iron 'hat' she's trying to fit my haid with, I  decided to see if the hackers that exposed my profile on Ashley Madison -- I was "Geek God of Unseemly Valley" -- donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in heat....dang, is the smellchecker supposed to do that, autoincorrect my syntax errors?  *Make note for five year olds to work on that, too*  
Now let's see if we can get this part to work....*violin music from Young Frankenslime*...we have kept just 30% of the entire sum to our self for the remaining days because i am no longer strong am sick and am writing you from hospital computer...Melinda caught up to me with that frying pan and I can tell you that is NOT fit to wear...ow.  I will be traveling to
Germany for Treatment because that idiot Obola wrecked our hellthcare here.

To facilitate the payment process of the funds ($5,000,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to you and any other potential dupe this email reaches....gawddangit, where's that five year old with the autoincorrect???

Anyway, you are to send us
your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............
your first born yak and a box of condoms..................

so that i can figure out why this now pan-shaped haid of mine is making the vision of a yak and condoms excite me. 

I am hoping that that class of five year olds can fix the computer weakness that allowed my Ashley Madison account to get exposed....having a frying pan shaped haid sucks....I know understand the angst Wile E. Coyote felt, sorta.  He mighta been on Ashley Madison too.
 

Please, if nothing else, you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of frying pans shaping haids in your region, help as many you can help once you have this money in your personal account because that is the I ching...not the Gawdfaddah.  

I hope to thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed reprehensible?  WILL SOMEONE PLEASE DISCONNECT THAT DANGED AUTOINCORRECT????

You Can Google my name to see pictures of my surrogates chasing three peckered goats around a ewe convent.  Ashley Madison attracted all kinds.

Remain a bed wetter,

Mr Bill Gates....Mr. Frying Pan Haid in Unseemly Valley  
 
 
My pet rock is convinced I just blew $5 million usd.  My pet rock tried to register on Ashley Madison.
 
"Did NOT!!!!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

 

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. I wouldn't put it past Seymour to try to register on Ashley Madison. He's a womanizer, but he can get plenty for free and he's not married. Just saying.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. ☺

31 August, 2015 16:48  

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