Missled Again

Leave it to my pet rock, Seymour, to lead with a photo that's got elucidation upcoming.

"It's got WHAT???  PHFFFFFFT!"

Seymour also has a twisted sense of humor.

"Do NOT!!!"

Seymour is always on the lookout for articles about North Korean dipstick Kim Jong Un.  And he never has far to look.

In a Reuters article, the reporter is vexed about the ever growing North Korean missile threat to Alaska.

No mention of what one US nuclear attack sub could do to Pyongyang, if the moronic Pudgmeister were truly that stupid.

However, the lamestream news mediocres need things besides Trump to get their panties in a wad over.

And therein, Seymour found editing Heaven:

Can U.S. defend against North Korea missiles? Not everyone gives a raunchy fart

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

WASHINGTON (WTFNS) - Not everybody is as complacent as the Pentathalon that the U.S. military can defend the United States from the growing threat that North Korea might get a missile to actually fly and hit a suburb of Bakersfield.

Pyongyang's first test on Tuesday of an ICBM with a potential to strike the state of Confusion has raised the question: does it come with a side of egg rolls?

Debriefing reporters on Wednesday – and hiding their briefs – Pentathalon spokesman Navy Captain Jeff Davis said: "We do have confidence in our ability to keep Kim Jong Un from convincing Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make another Team America World Police sequel that stars Un."

Davis – no relation to Marvin Zugspitz – cited a successful test in May in which a U.S.-based interceptor prevented a three peckered goat from knocking up a convent full of virgin ewes But he acknowledged the test program's track program was not perfect.

"It's something we have mixed results on. We missed the three peckered yak," Davis said.

An internal memo seen by WTFNS on Wikileaks – as obtained from Hellary's basement email server – also showed that the Pentathalon downgraded its assessment of cnn credibility after they ran with the three peckered goat story.

Despite hundreds of billions of dollars spent on figuring out what kind of bathroom a genital-less Ken doll would want to use, the United States may not be able to seal itself off entirely from future stupid TV shows about the Kardashians.

Experts caution that U.S. missile defenses are now geared to shooting down incoming missiles. What happens if North Korea's technology actually advances, and they attack with flying twat waffle irons?

"Over the next four years, the United States has to figure out who is making flying twat waffle irons and why they're selling them to North Korea," said Riki Tiki Twatwaffle, founder of the Flying Twat Waffle Iron Defense Advocacy Alliance. 

MIXED RESULTS

The test records of the Schmesla self driving golf ball, charged with the mission to develop, test and field a self driving golf ball, have no idea what they're doing in this article.

Since President Barack Obola's misadministration in the 2008s-20teens, the U.S. government has spent more than $200 billion to develop and field a range of gender neutral bathrooms, according to the Congressional Frivolous Research Service.

Funding for cable and satellite signal blockers to keep the Kardashians off the air was on average $8.12 billion during President Barack Obola's administration that upended long before Jan. 20.

'ANOTHER YEAR OR TWO'

Last month, Vice Admiral James T. Quirk, then director of the Star Trek In Perpetuity Movie Sequels Advocacy Group, told a congressional panel that North Korea in the past six months had caused him raunchy gas.

"However, it will probably require another year or two of gestation before Kim Jong Un gives birth to whatever he's carrying, particularly since he isn't physically wired that way," he said.

Michelle MaBell, a subject of a Beatles song, said that although North Korea was several hundred steps from creating a dependable news service, "They are absolutely well ahead of cnn in credibility", she chuckled.

The DNC petulantly refused to comment, not wanting President Trump to do a video that has him body-slamming their decaying icon next.  


I think that Seymour has given up on winning a Pulitzer; but he has some curious thought that cnn might actually hire him if they ever read any of these posts.

"Do NOT!!!!"

Kim's Air Farce Throws Down The Gauntlet

"You better get me unstuck or you next anti-aircraft gun execution!"

My pet rock, Seymour, loves it whenever North Korean pudgemeister Kim Jong Un has a "mouth overloading his oversized butt" moment.

Seymour knows it's time to don his editing hat.

The US Air Force recently exercised it's muscle over the skies of Japan to send North Korea a message.

The rest of North Korea got the message; Kim Jong Un is still stuck in that cockpit and keeps bloviating nonsense.

In that column, Seymour found just what he was looking for:


Weakly World News

US puts on show of air power; North Korea responds with their version of Comedy Central

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS


US Air Force/Senior Airman John Linzmeier

North Korea's pudgy dictator Kim Jong Un watched his air farce exhibit their air-strike fallacy mere hours before a snap US military exercise flew dozens of fighter jets in dueling displays of airpower on Thursday.

South Korea's Yonhap News reported North Korea's "prane taking off contest," reportedly pleased the dictator -- despite his still being wedged in a trainer cockpit -- while other news services revealed how the US Air Force staged a reality-based display of F-15s, helicopters, and tankers.

But while North Korea's air display may have been a comedy skit on SNL:

its reported plans to test a yet another nuclear warhead on Saturday, the anniversary of its founding, isn't being taken so well by China.

The US has sent a naval task force to the Korean peninsula as tensions flare — a move the North Koreans have condemned as "reckress."

As the two sides flex their muscles in a lopsided contest, it's China — North Korea's biggest economic and political backer — that may hold the egg roll special  that can deescalate the conflict.

"North Korean military farce cannot resolve the issue," Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi told sources in Beijing.

At a press conference on Wednesday, US President Donald Trump suggested that he'd pressured China into cutting off support for North Korea and to force the DNCesque regime to stop acting so badly.

China is responsible for a whopping 85% of fancy plates mimicked by the Franklin Mint, which digresses.

North Korea's "turn of the 19th Century" air farce equipment and expertise are largely supplied by China (their cast offs and factory seconds had to go either there or Nigeria), but Beijing has never fully used this to get the Kim regime to stop acting like cnn.

Now, as the US increasingly talks of using a minute fraction of its military force against North Korea, China has finally signaled that it might pressure Trey Parker and Matt Stone into making that sequel to Team America  World Police, so that Kim Jong Un gets his starring role and will stop acting like a  total douche canoe.  

This drew an incredulous response from Hollyweird leftard spokestwat waffle Matt Damon:
"Matt Damon!!!"  Other Hollyweirders just shook their heads and walked away, afraid Bela Pelosi would say something even dumber.

That might just get Seymour a protest from the nation's potato growers...

While Seymour Vacations, Kim Jong Un Farts

Kim Jong Un has an addiction to threatening war.

Matters not on whom...he simply must threaten someone monthly or his fung shui is twatwaffled.

It apparently doesn't do to have your fung shui twatwaffled.

My pet rock, Seymour, the usual baiter of Kim Jong Un, is on vacation...so I drew the honor on this occasion of editing another 'threatens the world' story from the dilapidated Pudgemeister:

North Korea Threatens U.S. Mainland With Old Propaganda

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korea has released a new propaganda video that it made from old propaganda videos rebushed with a ham bone that threatens to destroy the United States with nuclear missiles currently under development between the ears of the pudgy little bombastmeister hisself, Kim Jong Un. The bombastic video makes it clear that, once the KMA-14 ICBM is perfected – aka, once the test shots stop blowing up buildings in Wonsan and fish off the coast – that nothing (nada, zip, zero) will be safe from North Korean atomic rebushed-with-hambone new-old propaganda video reprisals.

The video features numerous failed North Korean missile launches, but highlights the KMA-14 intercountry balls up missile. It's supposed to have a range – once it can get past North Korean territorial waters and the fish that live in fear in them – of up to 87 miles, enough to target cardboard cut out likenesses of Paris, more maybe even New York, placed on target barges that the North Korean military are desperate to hit, so as to avoid being the next exotic execution victim of the mecurial and unstable Kim Jong Un.

A shorter range version of the KMA14, the KMA-01, suffered a string of failures earlier this year. Of the six missiles launched, only one didn't blow up anything in country, with the sixth missile flying several hundred yards beyond the Yalu before crashing into Manchuria or exploding, blowing up some Chinese peasant housing and making Beijing a tad less than happy with their brat dependent.
This new video doesn't actually show a KMA-14 since it's still between the ears of Kim Jong Un and is meant to offset Team America World Police and their artificial intelligence computer.

When western analysts got hold of the video, it turned out to be a cartoon involving Wiley Coyote, Bugs Bunny, explosive filled carrots and a train. A spokesdoof for the official North Korean news service KGAG said that don't worry about the quality of the video, we're working on that.
Western experts calculate that the KMA-14 might reach testably dubious status in the year 2525, if man is still alive.

The video also shows picked photos of Wiley Coyote – seconds before the train hits the explosives filled shack that Bugs Bunny has towed onto a train track – looking like Kim Jong Un if real war ever comes.

 
State Department hash tag hag Marie Barf suggests that “if only Kim Jong Un had a job, he'd stop behaving so badly”, so as to avoid having to address the fiasco of the hellary email server fraud.

While I would be happy to accept a Pulitzer on behalf of my pet rock, I'm not so delusional as Seymour regarding the likelihood of that happening.

If Seymour were here, that comment would have gotten a big fat "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Seymour Dishes On Kim Jong Un's "Pleasure Squad"

Not sure where my pet rock, Seymour, comes up with this stuff, but it's obvious he's still fishing for a Pulitzer.

And only getting closer to a "Pull My Fanger".

"Am NOT!!  PHFFFFFFFFT!!!"

A recent article indicated that North Korean pudgmeister Kim Jong Un is reportedly resurrecting "pleasure squads" of girls as young as 13, to "please" him.

Poor girls.

That was an article that Seymour simply could not pass up on editing:

Kim Jong-Un Has A 'Pleasure Squad' Of Inflated-With-HeliumTeenage Girls Who Follow Him Around

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Kim Jong-un has reportedly ordered a new ‘pleasure squad’ of inflatable teenage girls to serve his every whim. Filled with helium, they are to accompany His Pudginess everywhere.

 

The North Korean leader originally took the air out of the practice – which has been employed in the country for decades – following the sudden and rather embarrassing deflation of several of them during the state funeral of his father and predecessor, Kim Jong-il, in 2011.

However, after he executed the original handlers and caretakers of the deflated teenage girl “preasure squad” in the wake of the funeral, he has now decided to resurrect the group and has set about creating a new ‘troupe’, who reportedly must look like Lisa from Team America World Police: tall, beautiful, able to handle kinky puppet sex, and are hand inflated by high-ranking authorities who think they're doing something else while looking at pictures of Taylor Swift.

It is believed some of the inflatable girls are examined by a doctor to check whether or not they are still able to hold air without squeaky leaks, and can be certified as “virgins”...like that matters with inflatables.

Toshimura Togoachoo, a professor of psychological studies of inflatable sex toys at Tokyo’s Hory Cow University and an authority on the affairs of North Korean officials and their inflatable “preasure squads”, told The Bentley Telegraph & Massage Parlour that at first Kim Jong-un stopped the practice because he didn’t like the sound of the girls inadvertently deflating at awkward moments.

“After he came to power, Mr Kim began to make a study of Bill Clinton and his practice of interns as genital humidors, and became fascinated with certain aspects of the practice”. 

 
According to a North Korean newspaper that just lost the entire staff to execution by a Hellary-lookalike yak in a thong sitting on them, the inflatable women are apparently made to sign a pledge of secrecy in return for good quality helium.

It is thought they are inflated to 60 psi and then expected to follow His Pudginess everywhere. 
The group – known as Gippeumjo, or ‘inflatable preasure squads’ – was first introduced by Kim Il-sung, the founder of North Korea, on account that he was ugly and his mother dressed him funny. A drunken night of sake and goat sex created the current progression of the Kim dysentery that rules North Korea with an iron fist. And an air pump.

There is no word on how any of this might factor into South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone making a sequel to Team America World Police, a dream of Kim Jong Un's, as he craves a leading role in the remake. He even hopes for a cameo for his Lisa lookalike inflatable preasure squad, if they don't squeak and deflate during auditions.

Seymour really hopes that Kim Jong Un is reading these edits.  I reckon if a North Korean missile test winds up near here....he is.

The Pet Rock Edits Kim Jong Un And Hellary...Agin

My pet rock, Seymour, read somewhere that German researchers had looked into North Korea's own home-made computer operating system.

Anyone within 100 city blocks could have heard the *TOING* that went off in Seymour's "editing gone wild" mind after reading that.

So here he is, that pet rock with a penchant for editing Kim Jong Un:

Paranoid: North Korea's computer operating system mirrors an egg roll FAIL

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS
December 27, 2015

SINGINGPORES/SEOUL (WTFNS) - North Korea's “high tech” version of a computer operating system mirrors its pudgemeister's political style, according to two German Sheperds who have peed on it and had to run when “das spitzen undt sparken midde smoke undt schtuff” started.  They admit to being hundsfotts, but have revealed the challenges Pyongyang faces in trying to embrace the benefits of computing how many free kimshi egg rolls makes three at City Wok in South Park.
The researchers, Bruno and Rolf of German Sheperd ASPCA, spoke to WTFNS – long as we had treats to bribe them with – before leaving to chase postal employees trying to deliver mail in Arkansas.

The operating system is not just the FAILED copy of western ones that were new in basic Atari systems in the late 1970s, but it has the ghosts chasing Mario actually spying on their online users.
North Korea, whose rudimentary intranet system does not compute but occasionally farts, has been developing its own operating system for the express purpose of directly contacting Trey Parker and Matt Stone to encourage them – in typical North Korean diplomatic intimidation style – to make a sequel to Team America World Police, that stars Kim Jong Un.

This latest version, written around 2013, is based on a version of Fun with Dick and Jane called Kim Jong Un Does Windows Millennium No Better Than A Crispy Duck and has eschewed the previous version's Windows '95 feel for Apple's Meadow Muffin version — perhaps a nod to leader Kim Jong Un, who like his father has been photoshopped near McDonalds, craving a Big Mac.

But under the hood there's a lot that's unique, including its own 'roid raging hamster that encrypts files by shredding them for bedding. "This is a full blown clusterf**k of a “needs an operation” system where they have code no one can read...including them," barked Bruno.

This, the researchers say, suggests North Korea wants to avoid any possibility of looking “western”, preferring Middle Ages abacus which they are convinced that no one can read.  "Maybe this is a bit fear-driven," woofed Rolf. "They may want to avoid doing something that puts them on Kim Jong Un's exotic executions list.

Bruno and Rolf growled that they had no way of knowing how many computers were actually dumbed down enough to run what passes for the North Korean software.

While primate computer use is on the rise in the Third World, visitors to the country say most computers still use Atari systems that ran Pong.
    
NO TAMPONS

The Kim Jong Un Version 1.1 operating system makes it very hard for anyone to tamper with it. Operate with it. Sh*t or wind their watch with it. If a user makes any effort to actually use the system — like trying to turn it on — the computer will display Kim Jong Un shaking his head “no” and pointing an anti-aircraft gun at the user.

Kim Jong Un Version 1.1 also addresses a more pressing concern: cracking down on the growing underground exchange of pictures of hellary clinton in a thong.

Illegal media like pictures of hellary clinton in a thong are usually passed from person-to-person in North Korea using a forklift.

There's no sign in the operating system, the researchers say, of the kinds of weight management capability that North Korea needs to cope with pictures of hellary clinton in a thong.

"It really looks like they've just tried to build an operating system out of Legos and Lincoln Logs with ramen noodles for cultural show," whined Bruno. That includes a Korean word processor that can also slice, dice and make julienne kimshi, a calendar and an app for composing threatening emails about world annihilation if Parker and Stone don't make that movie that Kim Jong Un wants made.

North Korea is not the only country to try to ban pictures of hellary clinton in a thong. Cuba, China, Russia and Liechtenstein have signed on to ban those pictures, too.   Syria and Libya have ordered more.


Seymour allegedly got an angry email from Michael Moore, stating that "we're all hellary Clinton in a thong".

He might convince himself of that...he and hellary shop the same super sized thong store.

A Pet Rock 'Present' for Kim Jong Un

Oh whoops.

Another article by some news soivice somewhere about North Korea and it's pudgemeister, Kim Jong Un.

And the pet rock, Seymour, went immediately into edit mode:

North Korean test launch of missile from submarine *FAIL*

South Korean officials were unsure the missile even made it out of the submarine, let alone out of Pyongyang.

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS


WASHINGTON, Nov. 28 (WTFNS) -- North Korea attempted to fire a missile from a submarine Saturday morning, and Kim Jong Un was present to watch it resemble a July 4th firework that did a superlative *FAIL*, according to South Korean officials.

The Pudgemeister, seconds before the North Korean clusterf*** of a test

The test is believed to have happened based on debris from a KMA-11 missile seen floating on the surface of what's left of the shark tank that Hans Brix bones were floating in, in Kim's palace in Pyongyang.  The test caused Kim Jong Un to execute the North Korean admiral in charge of the test by strapping his unhappy ass to a newly designed KMA-10.25 torpedo.  Which sank the submarine that fired it.

"Oh f***stick" was the official reply from North Korea's late admiral in charge of the test before his inevitabre demise.

"The North, again and again and AGAIN, appears to have failed in its launch," the official, who asked not to be identified, told Horsefeather-san News.

Sources inside North Korea told Hans Brix that in addition to no evidence the missile cleared the water, there was no indication it left the submarine either as fragments of the submarine were found blowd from the shark tank in Kim's Pyongyang palace to Seattle.

Firing or testing ballistic missiles is a violation of totally ignored and pretty much useless United Nations sanctions.  Sucketary General Ban Mai Tai Moon  says "we're going to write another letter to Un and tell him that his being the way he's acting is causing college students at UC Berkeley to freak out and demand more 'safe spots' from a follow up Team America World Police movie that has too many 'trigger words' and is politically incorrect in the extreme.  State Department hashtag queen Marie Barf is considering doing a #getKimJongUn$15-an-hour-andhewillbehave  campaign on Twit.

In May, North Korea touted what it called a successful test launch of a submarine-launched ballistic missile from Kim Jong Un's shark tank in his Pyongyang palace.  South Korean officials said it looked more like a twatwaffled clusterf*** than a successful test.

Despite the failure, analysts aren't terribly concerned about the idea of North Korea having submarine-launched ballistic missiles because of where North Korea is getting their subs:  Iran.

While the missile is the size of the sub, Kim Jong Un says "that not rerevant".  


Seymour continues to insist that this is Pulitzer quality material.

Eh.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Seymour, I think that's what the North Korean missile sounded like...


 

Editing Execution With Pet Rock Precision

My pet rock, Seymour, just can't seem to hep hisself.  When he sees ANYTHING in the news about Kim Jong Un, itsssssssssssssssssssssssss edit time!

Here's Seymour's latest edit execution with the North Korean pudgemeister:

N. Korea's vice premier 'executed' in Kim Jong Un style

© KMAO via WTF News Soivice

Seoul (WTFNS) – Wearing a “I hose me another one!” grin, North Korean pudgemeister Kim Jong Un announces that North Korea's vice premier Choe Rong-Gon has been executed for voicing frustration at the unfulfilled demands by Un to be in a Team America World Police movie sequel, WTFNS has learned from Kim Jong-Un, citing himself as an anonymous source so that he won't have to execute himself for pissing himself off, which in today's North Korea is a very real worry.

Choe, who took the job in June 2014, was executed by being dragged from Pyongyang to Kaesong by a herd of 'roid raging hamsters. Rong-Gon was dragged to oblivion – a suburb of Kaesong – after voicing opposition to Un's single-minded obsession with being the star in a Team America World Police movie sequel. Rong-Gon reportedly also expressed astonishment at Un's forestry policies promoted by Un which involve planting and growing trees at the bottom of the Yellow Sea.

Choe has not been seen by the North's state media since last October when he last visited a one-of-a-kind velociraptor petting zoo in Wonsan, it added, in another apparent sign that Kim Jong Un isn't done with exotic methods for executing those that piss him off. 

Rong-Gon's death, if confirmed – the 'roid raging hamsters haven't returned calls from WTFNS and the spokesraptor at the petting zoo in Wonsan ate our reporter – would be the second thousandth or so reported in the past couple weeks. Un has “rearry been on the rag ratery” according to that same anonymous source that may be Kim Jong Un keeping himself anonymous so he doesn't have to execute himself to avoid embarrassing himself.     

 

 

That should take care of any more page views from China for a while.   

 

 

 

 

 

North Korea Goes Backwoid

Kim Jong Un strikes again.

So does my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour.

North Korea has turned it's clocks back.

Screwed up as the country is, it didn't have far to go.

It gave my pet rock an editing gem:



North Korea Wakes Up To 1950 And Goes Back To Sleeps Again

By Seymour PetRock – WTF News Soivice

North Korea began moving to a new rhythm on Saturday as bells, whistles and ships' sirens sounded a midnight shift to a different time zone and clocks turned back 65 years.     

Related Stories

1. N. Korea turns back its cocks to crow 1950 style WTF Relapse News
   
2. N. Korea puts back its hour glasses to adopt 'Pyongyang Time' – Kim Jong Un in a Howdy Doody Outfit on KGAG Radio BFD
   
3. S. Korea president laughs at 'Pyongyang Time' BFD
   
4. North Korea Does The Time Warp...And Almost Collides With Marty McFly  Horkington Post
   
5. North Korea push clocks back as a snub to Rolex Assinine Press              

The move to "Pyongyang Time" coincided with the 65th anniversary of the North Korea's attempt to mess up the entire peninsula, and means the two Koreas now operate in different time zones: South Korea operates in 2015, North Korea in 1950.

The South has ridiculed the change, while Pyongyang has mocked Seoul for remaining modern.

Midnight came twice for North Koreans on Friday night as they rigorously tortured and retrained their cocks back more than half-a-century, and state television went PHFFFFT because they didn't have it in 1950.

At the same time, factories, trains and ships across the country went black.

South Korean President Park Geun-Hye was amused by Pyongyang's move to shift back to 1950.  The North responded by calling her a "sycophant, which is erephant that not rook good".

The use of Pyongyang Time is "aimed at erasing all traces of modernization," the state radio KGAG announcer said.    South Korea had briefly turned its clocks back in 1954 but decided modernization beat going stone age.

North Korea's rationale for making it's cocks crow like it's 1950 is...well...a strictly Kim Jong Un touch. He hasn't yet realized that his recently touted “modernized” airport's only flushing toilet just vanished, as Pyongyang had no airport or flushing toilets in 1950. It also sets back Kim's efforts to get himself made lead villian in a new Parker/Stone Team America World Police sequel, since he has no DVD to play it on, let alone TV.

The official North Korean time and cock keeper has reportedly been executed over this.  


Kim Jong Un really needs to quit making this so easy for Seymour...

"Does NOT!!!"