The Loch Ness Monster Is A Wha...?

Mystery solved.  Again.

Experts say that "the" Loch Ness Monster....is a catfish.

Yeah, I can see the resemblance here.

Granted, I've been hearing about the Loch Ness Monster -- aka, Nessie -- for years.

I've seen the alleged photo evidence.  And I've heard all the naysayer explanations debunking it.

Like the rumors of Big Foot and intelligence in the Democrap National Committee -- proof of which from the latter is devastatingly lacking -- the Loch Ness Monster remains a myth that is short of real proof, and short of absolute disallowance.

Nonetheless, here's a short story I picked up on Faceplant that claims to lay the myth to final rest:

Loch Ness Monster: Mythical Creature in Scottish Lake Is Likely Large Catfish, Expert Says

"Looking at all the evidence, speaking to eyewitnesses, the most likely solution is a Wels catfish," Steve Feltham told Sky News. Feltham said he has spent 24 years searching for the creature.  

 

 

So finally, we now *know* that the mythical "Bessie"....is a catfish.

 

Hoooooookayyyyyyyyy...

 

Of course, the USAF continues to claim that, like anything else unusual and reported by the public, it's nothing more than a weather balloon:

 

I'm sure they will get around to adding Nessie's silhouette to this chart soon.

 

Meantime, Yahoo Gnus has assigned perky Katie Couric to interview the Loch Ness catfish:

 

Aw c'mon, Katie:  they only want you to actually do it before Brian Williams claims he did some years back when he resurfaces on msnbc...

 

 

 

Exs, Nincompoops And Chairs

Jimmah Cartah is at it again.

Not content to fall asleep on the porch and swallow flies, he allows words to come out of his mouth in typical Cartah dissemble.

Better still, he does it while swinging at softballs from the perkstress herself, Katie.

My pet rock, Seymour, read the interview.

I heard his "this needs an edit *TOING*" from across the room.

So with no further adieu, take away Seymour:



Jimmah Cartah Defends Obola On Paris And Other Stuff On Accounta Cuz...

By Seymour PetRock

Disassociated Press & Cleaning

   
    

Former President Jimmy Carter on Monday defended President Barack Obola's abscess making the fart go honda and other equally bad jokes within the worst regime in history.

“President Obola just come back from vacation, and having spent most of my one term on vacation hiding from attacking rabbits, I know how it is when you’ve been incompetent and foreign policy inept for...well, shucks, your whole term of office,” Carter said in an interview with former NBC perkstress Katie Couric.

“Your desk is piled up with Golf Digests and he had other problems to address, like trying to make up an excuse not to go to Paris. He had to check with Al Sharpton to see if he had some fabricated moral outrage somewhere that he had to stir the race pot with. So I don’t think there’s any anything to be upset about. It's not like he walked in on you waxing your genital hairs or anythang.”

Carter -- who turned 90 last October, and that's the only reason that Couric didn't deck him for the last comment -- made his comments about the time that the White House itself sent him talking points that took a different spin and said that Obola's chair was in Paris at the rally.

“We here at the White House should have sent Jimmy to North Korea,” press secretary Josh Earnest said at a press briefing.

“I think it’s unfair to criticize the president when we actually did send his chair to Paris,” Earnest said, adding that “the president himself would’ve liked to have had his chair at home, except that he was on vacation and the chair can't caddy”, which made the logistics of taking the chair golfing all but impossible.

Nonetheless – and with the amended talking points in hand -- Carter said that since Obola bailed him (Carter) out of being the worst president in modern times, “I can't be critical of Obola for sending his chair to Paris. The world's a safer place with Obola's chair in Paris.”

 

But Carter did not believe the president's chair could have helped his golf game, either. “Sucks is as sucks shoots”, Carter noted.

Carter said he believes similar ceremonies in remote places around the globe will see more and more of Obola's chair being present without him in it, “since when the president goes on vacation, his chair has no useful purpose just sitting at home”.

“I don’t think we’ll ever be able totally to eradicate the problem of keeping the president's chair busy with official and public appearances,” he said, though he also pointed out that for the final two years of his regime, there'll be more of the president's chairs taking his place at official events so that he can work to join the LPGA Seniors Tour after he and his chairs leave office in January 2017.

“I hope in the future, though, that we can have, you know, full employment for everybody in the country, even the young up and coming politicians who can be most easily seduced into this horrible practice of sending their chairs to represent them abroad,” he said.

The former president was in Washington to attend a ceremony marking the opening of a new exhibit at the Clinton Intern & Humidor Training Center focused on the fight for more interns to try out as humidors. His foundation, the Clinton Humidor & Intern Alliance, has worked to eradicate the stigma of CigarGate since 2001.

Carter said that when Clinton's center first studied the problem nearly over 20 years ago, it found a completely insufficient amount of female interns who knew what a humidor was.

“We’ve been to all those seminars,” he said of the foundation, “and last year we only had 126 interns who passed the entrance exam. Former president Clinton himself expressed deep concern at the low turn out and passage”.

In comments that are sure to draw criticism, Carter slammed new U.S. sanctions against North Korea, saying that “it sends the wrong message to a very sensitive and enlightened ruler, Kim Jong Un”.

“We’ve been watching Un, his father and his grandfather destroying the economy of North Korea for 64 years. And what have we done? Movies like Team America World Police and The Interview,” Carter said. “And I’ve been there several times with Dennis Rodman, out into the rural areas where people see us and run like striped ass gazelles away because if they greet or smile at us they're sure Un will have them fed to hungry dogs”.

Showing Carter's knowledge of world affairs and events hasn't sharpened one iota since 1980, he went on to say “But if you concentrate the sanctions just on the top leaders in the country who do these bad things, and don’t make it permeate the entire country … with starvation for people who are innocent, then I think that’s perfectly all right,” he said. “Because those leaders will understand it's them we're targeting, and they would never...NEVER...punish their people like our current regime does with the IRS”.

And Carter said he was “delighted” by Obola’s decision to normalize relations with the communist island nation of Cuba.

“President Obola has done a very useful thing for my peanut crop, and I've been wanting access to quality Cuban cigars for decades,” he said. “I hope they’ll soon lift the embargo against Cuban cigars. Former president Clinton has promised me a couple trained interns who know the humidor thing very well.”

Carter said Obola’s decision to allow Obolacare to travel from the United States to Cuba will create “much better progressive repression in Cuba as we permeate Cuba with ideas they already know to be stupid and unworkable, from people from America who are dumber than tree stumps to believe that any form of communist/socialist/democrat/progressive ideology works worth a damn.

“I think it’s the best way to bring about improvements in Liechtenstein,” he said. His administrative assistant and Geritol provider just looked at us and shrugged.  


While Seymour is insufferably pleased with himself, I again assure him that the Pulitzer Committee is not on the phone; on the other hand, the Pull My Fanger Committee did send him an "Honorable Possum".

"Did NOT!!!"