Stripes -- Scam Style

If Harold Ramis weren't dead and Bill Murray didn't look it, I'd say that this latest email scam came from one of their Stripes segments that didn't survive the cutting room floor.


Witness the following from...*drum roll*...Lt. General Stephen Townsend:

Hello There!

It was not in any way my intentions to intrude into your privacy. I am left with no option but to reach out to you and solicit your friendship as well as your assistance.

My name is Stephen Townsend (Lieutenant General, U.S Army). I have been in all activities involving the U.S military in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria.. Presently I'm in Aleppo Syria on an Inspection Mission.

My mission in the Middle East will be completed at the end of March 2019.. I'm looking forward to my resignation from the Military (Better call it retirement). It has been a great experience offering my services to my country and to human race.  Being the only child of my late parents made life even tougher as I had no one to offer me support of any kind, but that never discouraged me from giving my best and making sacrifices for the betterment of our world. Recently I took time out of my busy schedule to reflect on my life; the past, the present and the future, family etc, and I realized it is time to draw the curtains on my career.

Two years ago, the Secretary General of OPEC (Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries) was here in Syria on a Multi-million Dollar Oil Business trip. While he was here, I provided security services to him and his business associates. I was paid US$6,000,000 (Six Million U.S Dollars) for my services to them throughout the business proceedings.

The current chaos in Syria has made it impossible to remit this fund to my U.S account. All Syrian Banks are shut down indefinitely, and I do not have any sibling to receive the fund on my behalf. I am among 8 Top military Officers deployed to Iraq on an Inspection mission (To observe the military operations in Mosul City in Iraq ). Our departure is imminent, hence I solicit your assistance to receive the US$6 Million on my behalf and keep it safe.

There is no trace of irregularities or illegality as regards the fund. As a Military Personnel, I represent the law and would not engage myself in an illegal Transaction. It's 100% legal.

Syrian banks have been shut down indefinitely, especially from International Transactions. As a matter of fact, I have made a concrete arrangement for a UN Diplomatic Service Agency to deliver this fund to you without hitches.

I'm offering you 30% of the total fund for your assistance to receive and save the fund.

Like i said, the delivery is legal and will be documented, and that guarantees risk-free transaction.  There's no risk whatsoever.

So, please confirm your willingness to assist me, then I will furnish you with more details, and we will expedite action with the delivery process. I hope this transaction will open doors for you and me to become not just business partners but good friends as well.

Please understand that this is highly confidential. I would appreciate that you treat this message or proposal with utmost confidentiality.

Anticipating your swift response.

Thank you!

Lt. Gen. Stephen J. Townsend.

stephtown2020@gmail.com

jameslop2020@gmail.com  

 

 

Uh huh.

 

Seymour, my ever-ready-to-edit pet rock, couldn't wait to have a go at this email, made for editing:

 

 

At Ease!

It was not in any way my intentions to intrude into your privacy with that drone strike that took out your kitchen and armoire.  Hate when that happens.

 

My name is Stephen Townsend (Lieutenant Genital, Army Of The ExGender). I have been in all activities involving hijinks and shenanigans in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria....usually with goats.  Oh, and camels.  Don't forget the camels.

Presently I'm in Aleppo Syria on a STD Mission.  I have genital warts and I love sharing.

 

My mission in the Middle Tennessee will be completed at the end of March 2018.  As you can surmise, my GPS and calendars leave something to be desired.  So do the goats I feel up.

I'm looking forward to my resignation from this branch of this particular military. It has been a whacking great peculiarity of an experience offering my services to an assortment of animals in a state that has nothing to do with the Middle East.   Being the only adopted child of a gorilla and a marmot made life even tougher as I had no one to offer me support of any kind; just bananas.  Recently I took time out of my busy schedule to reflect on my gender assignment, and after having eaten Wheaties for years -- and seeing what it did to Bruce Jenner -- and realizing that I am really feeling f**ked up.

 

Two years ago, the Suckretary Genital of OPEC (Organization of Perversion Exporting Countries) was here in Syria, Tennessee, on a trip complicated by hallucinogens and crustaceans that fart Gregorian chant phonics.  While he was here, I provided inflatable Hellary sex toy services to him and his business associates. I was banished from the country and ordered to undergo genital reintarnation in Buffalo, NY.  

 

The current chaos in San Crapcisco wouldn't be so bad if everyone would quit crapping on the streets, and do it at Bela Pelosi's office.  I am therefore solicit your assistance to be a guide to help all the poopers to find and use her office for their fecal repositories.  I am assured that it's a clean, quiet venue, only rarely interrupted by a visitor projectile vomiting over the stench.

Considering where I've been, there is no trace of irregularities or illegality as regards this kind of pretty disgusting activity.  As a Military Personnel of dubious rankecedence, I represent the law that pays the most and would not engage myself in an illegal transaction unless it involved Taylor Swift and Tide Pods.

Syrian banks have been shut down indefinitely, especially from accepting deposits from orthopods.  That said, I have made a concrete arrangement for a UN Diplomatic Service Agency to deliver concrete to a location not being blown to smithereens on a daily basis.  That rules out Newark.

 

I'm offering you 30% to go f**k yourself.  40% if you'll do it on YouTube.

Like someone claims I said, if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is an ass, then why is a ram in the ass a goose?  Asking for a friend.

There's no risk whatsoever if you don't participate.

 

So, please confirm your willingness to go f**k yourself, then I will furnish you with more details, and together we will remove all references to White Castles from Cincinnati; it's offensive to octosexual CNNpods.  I hope this transaction will open doors for you that slam faster than a democrap running to do anything for a saw buck from George the Sharpai Soros.  

 

Please understand that this is highly confidential, which is why I sent it to 10,000 BCCed email addresses, and y'all.  It's even being featured on a world-wide blog that makes fun of sh*t like this.

If I'd of knowd that, I would have quit eating Wheaties 26 years ago, and saved my winkee being fitted to Joy Behar in place of her nose.  

Anticipating your swift response.

Thank you!

Lt. Genital Stephen J. Townsend.

stephtown2020@gmail.com

jameslop2020@gmail.com  

 

 

We were pleasantly surprised to hear from the Genital hisself as he was more impressed than we generally hear from his ilk:

 

 

hahahahahhaa You the man oF the year

 

 

Accepting on behalf of my pet rock, I'd like to thank all the little scammers that made this possumbull.  And never tease a bull playing possum.  Just sayin'.    

 

 

"So where's my award???"


You get the satisfaction that you impressed a scammer with your editing-gone-wild skills, Seymour.


"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

 

Dissssssssssssssss-missed!