Tales From The Griffin

The title will make sense morgue-intarily.

Another day, another dying inheritance scam from another Third World dunghole internet scam cafe.

Here 'tis:


My name is Mrs.Janet Karoline Adams  I am 69 years old, I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/churches/ motherless babies/less privileged/widows.I was diagnosed for cancer for about 7 years ago.

so recently my doctor diagnosed my health system again and i told me that i don't have long time on earth. I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for good work of God. I have asked God to forgive me and believe he has, because he is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation soon.I decided to WILL/donate the sum of 3.5 million United States dollars to you for the good work of God, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows. At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives (That have squandered the funds I gave them for this purpose before) are around me and my health status also.

I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware. I wish you all the best and may the good god bless you abundantly, and please use the Funds judiciously and always extend the good work to others. As soon you get back to me, I shall give you info on what I need from you then you will contact my bank and tell them I have willed (3.5 million dollars) to you by quoting my personal reference number: and I have also notified my bank that I am willing that amount to you for a good, effective and prudent work. I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by God.

Thanks and God bless.
Janet Adams.  


Uh huh.  Like thousands of others my character has received.

As it so happened, at the time I was perusing this, there was a brief snippet in my news feed that featured the empty-headed Kathy Griffin, and more of her vacuous drivel.

*TOING*

The direction of the email edit was now determined:

From: Janet Adams <iMrsjanetadams@outlook.com>
Sent: Sunday, November 4, 2018 10:09 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: Please Read and get back to me with corrections, comments, recommendations ...

 

Greeting and hallucinogens

My name is Mrs. Janet Karoline Adams.  No, not related to the Addams Family; only one "d".  

I was born in a leap year, which means that in a chronological sense, I only age once every four years.  Except at the turn of a century, where I have an 8 year gap in birthdays, except for in the year 2000.

What this should tell you is that I am, by your standards, older than running water or a fruit cake passed down for generations because it's inherent and inedible.  By the standards of my leap year birth, I am 69 years old.  Had I been born in a non-leap year, I would be dead long ago in normal human standards, for I was born in 1736.  Having a birthday only once every four years -- except at the turn of the 19th and 20th Centuries -- I am now 69 years old.  So what happens to you over a year, takes on average four years to happen to me.

Depending on what it is, that sucks for you or me, but I digress.

I was diagnosed for cancer of the calendar for about 7 of my years ago; or in other words, in 1992.  I am outlasting the diagnosis of my doctors -- two of which died already, because they age at four times the pace that I do -- so far, and I might outlast a couple more, since I turn 70 on February 29, 2020.

Let's not talk about birthday parties and sh*t like that; I've been getting screwed on that from the beginning.

Recently my umpteenth doctor diagnosed my health system again and told me that I might not make it to 2020.  Having nearly been touched by a heavenly anvil while playing golf -- lightning hit nearby, and I survived only because God couldn't hit the 1 iron I was wielding at the time, any more than I did -- I have been called upon to donate from what I have inherited from my late husbands, all of which died years and centuries ago.  Most of those bastards bequeathed me only minor material things -- one left me a lacquered collection of human snot formed into peculiar shapes, and another left me the longest recorded bowel movement in human history, laminated and on loan to the Smithsonian -- so I don't have much to leave.  But I have to leave it to someone, otherwise they might be tempted to jam all that sh*t into my coffin, and I can't bear the thought of eternity with the world's largest laminated human bowel movement. 

I hear even the Smithsonian can't wait to get rid of it.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my ears have long since fallen off. 
 I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware, I think; the last one I commissioned did my will in 1940.  Be that as it might or might notten be, I wish you all the best and may you find something useful to do with a collection of lacquered snot and the world's longest laminated human bowel movement, among other ends and very odds.  As soon you get back to me, I shall probably foul myself repeatedly, because I lost control of that function in 2008.  

I know I don't know you very well but I have been directed to do this by a power that you'll probably want to pull the lips off of, once you have time to properly consider it all.

Janet Adams.

The edit drew no response from the originating scamstress, but it did draw this response from one of my former scammers who occasionally wonders why I continue to torment him thus:

why are you not leave me alone?  what is this content to me?  


It's pretty much what your content was to me...except I made it more funny.  


This subject and content shall be revisited again soon, as a couple days later, yet another former scammer weighed in on what I dun to their emails, Ma...and it was worthy of a revisit.

Flat Worlders...Eh

No, it isn't about that...whether the Earth is round or flat.

I can tell you that the Earth ain't flat when I'm walking up a hill at altitude, sounding like I'm in training for the Obscene phone call Olympics in 2020.

Round or flat Earthers can continue their silly debate on this issue.  I'm just here on account of a scammer.

One what didn't open this can of worms, either:


Dear Sir/Madam

Please be informed that We were mandated by the Federal Government of Nigeria last week to effect the release the sum of US$250,000.00 to each affected (SCAM) victim around the globe under the surveillance of the Economic and Financial Crime Commission (E.F.C.C) which your email was included in the list and we have 14 working days to round up this payment as directed by the (E.F.C.C) Chairman .

Last week, we started payment to the affected victims who responded to our notification letter earlier. So you have the opportunity to claim your US$250,000.00 compensation fund if you will comply by our legal directives without any delay.

For us to achieve this successfully, you will have to seize further communication with any body outside this office to avoid repeating your past mistakes or losing your funds to criminals after receiving it.

For more information, we will advise that you call or send SMS to + 234 816 962 2603.

Your Sincerely,

Mr.Abdullahi Ibrahim
Executive Director(Public Sector),
First Bank Nigeria Ltd.,
Mobile: + 234 816 962 2603.
abdullahi.ibrahim@aol.com  


See?  Not one word about it being a round or flat Earth.

Then came my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour, and all that changed:


Dear Sir/Madam

Please be informed that I am been persondated by an email purportedly from a reprehensible of the Federal Government of Nigeria last week to effect the release of 250,000 diseased butt fleas to each and every person not as yet afflicted by the aforementioned butt fleas around the globe under the guise of a scam from the Economic and Financial Crime Commission (E.F.C.C) which doesn't really exist except in a fly-infested internet cafe in Lagos and on a GoFundMe page for the DNC because they're that pathetic.

On top of that, may we be permitted to say that we have proof that the Earth is round, but Kathy Griffin is flat.  Her neighbors regret having the proof.

 
After everything else we've tried has gone Kathy-Griffin-topless in our face, we started payment to Russian bots to not claim that they work for cnn. So you have the opportunity to claim your share of these butt fleas if you will comply by our illegal directives without any delay.
  

 For us to achieve this successfully, you will have to seize a live sock puppet chicken and make it bark like Hellary -- presenting a reset button to a Russian bot -- on the crimepaign trail for us.
 

For more information, we will advise that you call or send SMS to + 234 816 962 2603.

Your Sincerely,

Mr.Abdullahi Ibrahim
Executive Director(Public Sector),
First Bank Nigeria Ltd.,
Mobile: + 234 816 962 2603.
abdullahi.ibrahim@aol.com  


The EFCC had no further comment.  Round vs Flat Earthers didn't seem to, either.

No one's debating that Griffin's flat.  In more ways than two.