You Ain't That Secret -- Finale Checkmate

First, a quick tally:

Jack N. Ewehoff vs Hector Graig, US Secret Service Agent: Jack 1 Hector 0

So Graig hands me off to the (un)talented duet of Rt. Hon Sir George Osbourne, MP, Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer, and Williams Oberslake, lackey for a bank in Ohio....

When I last left off, Mr. George Osbourne MP, Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer -- after telling me that "sir, USA ceritified check can not be cashed or cleared here in UK, every body know this" -- identified himself as Sir Osbourne.

I hadda have some fun widdat:

Before I get to the bloody f***ing check, WHAT'S THIS YOU SAY??? Mr. Osbourne is now SIR Osbourne??? When the bloody f*** did HE get knighted? Or did the Queen hear about his inability to cash a simple certified check from the bloody Colonies, and give him a stout *BONK* on the head with her royal sceptre? "I knight thee in the name of me...*BONK*..arise, Sir Pound of Sterling...*BONK*...arise, Sir Johnny of Cash...*BONK*...arise, Sir Duke of Earl...*BONK*...arise, Sir Ex of Lax...*BONK*...arise, Sir Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer, and go cash the bloody check!" I'll bet that whole thing annoyed the Queen more than Prince Phillip's flatulence.

As for the check, it cannot be recalled. Whistling for it and yelling "here check! Here check! Here, boy! Come check! Nice check!", is not an option. I sent it via the US Postal Service AIRMAIL. Sir Osbourne, Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer will receive it when it arrives. He has more authority than the red-coated furheads at the Palace, so he just needs to get off his knighted bum and cash the bloody thing. Instanters. That, sir, is a simple thing.

Apparently -- and just as I wore out the pussy Secret Service agent Hectored "hen-pecked" Graig -- I dun wore out Mr. Oberschellack and Sir Osbourne. For that evening, I had two NEW PLAYERS, both vying for my attention on the same transaction: Dennis Smith of the North Offshore Bank (based in where else...the UK), and -- you'll love this -- ArchBishop Collins Williams of Nigeria, letting me know that I am to deal direct with HIM.

I have stumbled upon the scammer's version of the Keystone Kops here.

After receiving emails from these two new players -- both were directed specifically to my character, and used all the (mis)info I'd given the orginal single/duet -- I sent back a quick "WTF?" email to Sir Osbourne. The response was a keeper:

SIR, WE WEAR THE SHOE AND WE KNOW WHERE IT PINCH US. WE CAN NOT CASH THE MONKEY HERE (I recovered after a couple minutes from that one, and he continues) WHEN WE GET IT WE SHALL RETUN BACK TO YOU SIMPLE. CAN YOU TO LONDON N GET THE MONKEY IN CASH? IF NO THEN THAT'S WHY WE MAKE THIS ARRANGEMENT WITH NEW PARTNER TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE IT CLOSSER TO YOU. WE TRY MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU BUT YOU NOT. SO YOU WORK WITH NEW PARTNER NOW.

Jack 3 Hector/Osbourne-Oberslake 0

Still, a parting salvo was in order:

So, you've come to admit that you are NOT competent to handle a simple transaction, eh? And you've proven it again: the North Offshore Bank is based in London. That's London, UK. Where the f*** are you? That's London..UK. How the f*** are they closser to me? The next street to your f***ing west? You are an absolute wanker, OsB. The Queen didn't hit you hard enough during the knighting. I just hope your North Shore boyz have more on the ball than your geographically-challenged selves, or that pussy Secret Service agent.

Now we come to the next player in the Wild Wild East/You Ain't That Secret scam: Dennis Smith, of the North Offshore Bank, London, UK:

Dear Ewehoff,

We received an application to co-ordinate funds transfer of Five Million Five Thousand US Dollars (US$ 5,500,000) (me thinks he just took a cut off the top there) to your account with American Express Bank, 324 First Street, Los Angele's CA 90012. Account name: Jack N. Ewehoff. Account number (the bogus one I gave the previous triumvirate).

According to regulation guiding US international dollar denominated transfers, an intermediary transit account here in London is required for international wires to the State. For this purpose visit our domain at: (a link to what appears to be the actual North Offshore Bank website).

After you have successful opening of the online account, send me the account number and registration code *TOING* this will enable us credit your funds into the account once open for onward transfers to any bank of your choice.

Please, confirm receipt of this email and your readiness to abide by our procedures for facilating the transfer to your account. Also, email or fax a copy of your international passport or driver licenses for indentification. We proceed when you do this. All communications regards this is confidental. Contact direct with me further.

So I did:

And sir, just who in the bloody goat crotch are you? I am dealing with the Rt Hon Sir George Osbourne, MP, and the acclaimed Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer, located at 1 Horsefeathers Guards Road, London. Who dragged your antecedence into this bidness?

Meantime, the other new player in the mix:

Dear Jack N. Ewehoff,

I am Archbishop Collins Williams, I have been mandated to be your payment officer by the Federal Government of Nigeria. It has come to my notice that alot of people are contacting you claiming to be the rightful source for you to get your money released. I want you to know that your $5.5 millions will be sent to you by bank to bank wire transfer. The Nigerian government has an agreement with Halifax Online bank to offset all its payment to the rightful beneficaries in order to hasnt the transfer process.

(He goes on to explain what information he needs from me -- the usual bank account and such info -- then he concludes with his creme de la creme): I want to assure you that you are dealing with an Archbishop here and I was persuaded to take this job because of my honesty and integrity as a bishop. He then goes onto conclude with it is imperative that you keep our conversation top secret not to attract imposers who can divert the transfer.

Knights and bishops and queens, oh my: I think I'm caught in an Alice-in-Blunderland chess game here. So let's get off to a rousing start with His Eminence:

Who in the horned toad orgasm are YOU? An archbishop? Archbishop of WHAT? Everyone knows that an ARCHbishop is of something. Like the UK's Archbishop of Cranterberry. Send me some kinda bona fides, Arch. And 'splain to me why the fed-up government of Nigeria is now involved in this?

Mr. Dennis Smith was not immediate with a reply (y'know all about banker's hours); but Arch was:

What is this you say? I am Archbishop; this is not open to question. My honest integrity are above repoach. If you wish to receive your fund, you will accept my word and proceed with instruction.

Puh-LEASE:

So YOU say, Arch. For all I know, you're the arch in someone's spine as they brace to fart. BONA FIDES. Let me say it again: BONA...F-I-D-E-S. That's nothing to do with Fido being thrown a bone, though perhaps it's indirectly appropo here: you send me proof of your ID, and Fido here will consider that bone enough to proceed. See what I just did there?

And to the so-far non-responsive Dennis Smith, North Offshore-ian, I added this:

Okay, Denise, I have opened an account with your bank (not really) and have all the information you have requested. SOON AS YOU ANSWER ONE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. This question/answer was the code phrase given me by the US Secret Service agent pussy Hectored Graig, and is required in each communication as bona fides. I ask the question; you provide the answer that Graig established: when I ask, "who masturbates the perverted lionfish?", you answer with.....?

Once you have provided proper recognition, I will send you the information you've sought.

The formidable code phrase was apparently too much for Smith and his North Offshore Bank follies; nothing further was forthcoming. But the good Archbishop of Cantreply, did:

these are games you are well advice not to play with me Ewehoff. all you informatons is known to us. follow now well you instructs if you know the good for you.

Oooooooooh....thweatened by a chess piece? I know how to parry that 'un:

ArchBitchup, is I well-reading you h'yar? Wouldst thou make with a threat in my general geographic direction?

Yes, me thinks thou wouldst venture to suggest thus.

Oops...it would appear you have failed to scan the field of play. Obviously, you are not well versed in the game you play, upon the board you sit...oh bloody crikey, you didn't see that friggin' white knight, poised a L-shaped move to your right! *BONK*...you have been removed from the field of play, and your King is in checkmate surrender. *Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzer* Bummer, dude. Game, set, match, me.

Think up another approach, Arch-ie. That one was a bloody bitch-up. Your handlers will NOT be pleased.

And with that particular move in the series that began with a purported US Secret Service agent, and ended widda bishop, the game apparently came to an end. No more emails from any of the five.

Jack 5 Hector/Osbourne-Oberschlake/Smith/Arch-ie Collins Williams 0

Checkmate.