You Ain't THAT Secret -- Finale (almost)

My...er Jack N. Ewehoff's efforts to get US Secret Service agent Hector Graig/Graig Hector to send Jack a photo of the agent, holding a sign with Jack's name on it, came acropper.

Here, the agent explains that sir, you case must not be diffent from other tranaction we have handle. we must follow the right procedure. this is how we have been operate and you are not going to receve prefer treatment here. asking for a photo do not guarantee anything.

Jack's response is c'mon agent Graig: first, send me the photo I've requested. THEN I will book my flight and send you the f***ing itinerary. But first, THE PHOTO.

That got this in reply: You have no reason to demand for my photo. no reason absolute. please to be remind that you are not doing me a favour by coming to collect your fund. am getting suspicious of why you need my photo against all odd dspite the top class information you gived. i'm realy get nervous about this and my wife she say you dont need my photo. what for? why you so desprate for my photo?

So now his WIFE is advising him on what to do? And HE'S the Secret Service agent? Oh, this is too good for Jack to overlook:

Let me get this straight: YOU'RE the US Secret Service agent, and YOU are getting nervous about ME -- lil' ol' civilian ME -- asking for you to authenticate with a simple picture doing a simple instruction? And you take orders from your WIFE? What, does SHE wear the pants in your famdamily? Is she what that notable animation, Eric Cartman, dubbed "SuperBeeyotch"? Follow your instructions, and tell your wife to shut her pie hole and go get dinner ready.

With that, the tactics change, and a new angle is inserted into the game:

i no like you insut my wife. you leave me be (is HE his own wife? This dude's one for the scambait books). if you want receive your fund, you follow this instruction now. you send your bank receiving informations to the Barclay Bank in UK, and provide to them this to get your fund send (it gave me a new email address to contact, and included instructions for me to list the name of my bank, account, routing and swift code numbers, and my bank address). you are to proced this way now. you get no picture of me and you get off my wife if you want fund.

I couldn't pass up a parting salvo on that last line:

Graig, I wouldn't mount your wife if she were the only lay on Earth, and I was paid for it. What right-minded male would have sex with a water buffalo? Besides, since you're such a pussy over a picture, I can't believe any longer that the US Secret Service employs you for anything other than picking up trash in the parking lot. You are such a spineless wuss. I'll contact the bank you mentioned, and see if they're more professional and less pussy-whipped than you are.

So when I wrote to the 'bank' -- asking that they be more professional and cooperative than the pussy from the Secret Service -- I got back the following:

We have been waiting to here from you. Please provide with no delay the informations we require so that we can expedit your fund within 24 hours (and they repeated the information list requested). Please to remit the needed fee payment of $2050 by Western Union, and send as follows to:

Barclay's Bank

attn: Rt Hon George Osbourne MP

Chancellor of the Exchequer

HM Treasury

1 Horse Guards Road

London SW1A 2 HQ

Fax 020 7270 4580

The part I loved best is that (a) the header still had the US Secret Service/World Bank logos, and it was concluded from none other than hisself, Sup Hector Graig.

So I decided to see if the bank was as sensitive and pussified as Graig:

Dear Bank: if you are Barclay's, why does your email response have the US Secret Service/World Bank logos at the top, and is signed by that absolute useless f***ing pussy and embarrassment to the US Secret Service, Hector Graig? Explain that, please.

That drew this amusing response:

Sir, you are to disassociate youself at one from Graig Hector. He is no long a point of concern here for you. You are to deal direct with me, George Osbourne, as instruct in email okay? Send please your bank informations as request, and the Western Union fees of $2050 as instructed, and your fund will be release to your bank as you say. Your certificate of Authentic will be send as soon as you send your bank informations. Fee to be sended when you receive your document. Is this agreeable?

Jack responds with agreement and enthusiasm:

Sir, it is FINALLY a pleasure to be dealing with a professional, and not some pussified, ham-handed Secret Service agent who's wife wears his pants and is HIS daddy, instead of vice-versa. My requested bank information is enclosed (a nice collection of made up and reversed phone numbers sent to me by Graig the Pussy-Whipped, earlier), and I shall follow your instructions implicitly upon receipt of my certificate of authentic. Thanks again for getting that incompetent pussy and embarrassment to the US Secret Service out of this transaction.

And sure enough, two days later, I received via email the certificate pictured above ;-) In which, if you remember Part I (The Wild Wild...East?), the signature on the certificate is that of Dr. Barry Skelton, one of those allegedly arrested by the Secret Service...LMAO).

But I don't make an issue of that; I simply respond that since you have held up your end of this legal transaction, I shall move at once to dispatch to you the $2050 you have requested, as directed and addressed. Thank you again for the professionalism of your services, versus those of the pussy and spineless wonder, Hector Graig, whose wife is a posterboard for flatulence abortions.

The 'digs' at Graig go unresponded to, but my last email from Osbourne is for me to send along Western Union MTCN as soon as possible for confirmaton of transferd.

That will take some time, because I am going to let Mr. Osbourne & Co. think the unthinkable: that I have mailed the payment via USPS airmail to the address they gave me above (HM Treasury, at the 1 Horse Guards Road addy in London). And after I tell them so, I get this:

SIR: once your fund file is open, we do not expect to spend above required time to complete this. When instructions is given from this offive, we do not expect you to change it without proper consulation with this offive. please do respect human right and personal dignity here (I am absolutely ROFLMAO at that one, but he goes on).

Every orgaization has it policy and goals and which client are obligrate to adhered to. Mr. Osbourne is not responsible to any monetary collection here. You should asked for the information of the cashier first. Checks from USA can not easily be cash here in UK and also due to frequent fraud checks authority has imposed some stiffed relegations on every international incoming money of any form.

You must to deal with this person at this bank informations:

William Oberschalek

Ohio, USA

Columbus Bank and Trust Company

ABA Routing Number: 061120000

Account Number: 91753100042591018

Type of Account: Checking

Authorized Representative: William Oberschlake (which IS it?)

Please to send to check as you is direct now.

Shall I wet on their Wheaties? Yes, I think I shall:

I do not know this William Olbershellack in Ohio, but yes, Ohio IS in the USA, somewhere, because I remember it from elementary school geography class, before it was outlawed. And what is this silly bullsh** about 'human right and dignity'? This is a BUSINESS transaction. Business is business. You'd do business with the Devil, if he had what you wanted or needed. I know you would. So do you.

So just tell Mr. Osbourne to look for the delivery at HIS office there on 1 Horse Garter Road. If he wants to wire it to Olbershanker afterward, that's his babycakes and blowfish. I have done what was needed. It's on its' way.

This apparently caused some confusion for my scammers. As you will see in their reply:

Your email was well noted. we want to herebye reitirate that we are not against you sending money to any place of your choice but to let you know as an organization that we observes and obeys all international policy on monetary aspect.

1. What courier company did you post the money through

2. What is the tracking digits

3. British Military law does not allow posted foriegn currency into the shore of UK

4. Was it cash or check?

5. Foreign checks does not be cashed here in UK

6. Do you desire a London account to effect the payment?

(and then, after in the previous email, telling me that Mr. Osbourne "is not responsible to any monetary collection here", comes this gem):

IT IS ADVICEABLE TO SEND DIRECTLY TO MR OSBOURNE THROUGH WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM IN LONDON HERE AND HE WILL PICK IT UP WITHOUT ANY INCONVENIENCES.

Time for more *fun* with Osbourne, Olbershanker & Co:

Dang, you blokes seem to have jumped the bloomin' shark here. I am totally f***ing confused. In the previous email, you tell me that Mr. Osbourne "is not responsible for any money collection here". I mean, what the f***...he's the gawddamned Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing Chequer!!!

But then...and this just f***ing kills me...you say "it is adviseable to send directly to Mr. Osbourne through Western Union or Money Gram in London here and he will pick it up without any inconveniences". Do you see where you just drove into one of your f***ing traffic circle-jerks, and are going round like a f***ing top?

It matters not: you pronounced that Mr. Osbourne was THE Chancellor of your Ex-f***ing Chequer, and by Gawd, that's where I sent the f***ing money, at his 1 Whores Guarded Road place.

Now, to answer your questions:

1: What courier company did you post the money through

I said and I'll f***ing say again that I sent the money via overseas AIRMAIL, deliverable in 7-10 days.

2: What is the tracking digits

There are no f***ing tracking digits...I sent it overseas airmail via the US Postal Service.

3: British Military law does not allow posted foriegn currency into the shore of UK

What the f*** do I care about what the British Military says about any of this sh**? What do a bunch of red-coated furheads at Buckingham Palace care a haggis spit about this??? I am a f***ing civilian, sending money to a civilian head of the Ex-f***ing Chequer, for crikey's cock-up!

4: Was it cash or check

It's a f***ing certified CHEQUE!!!

5: Foreign checks can not be cashed here in UK

Not my f***ing problem, boyo. You best get off your fat prat and bloody get crackin' to cash the bloody thing when it arrives.

6: Do you desire a London account to effect the payment

I desire to know why the Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer can't cash a certified check in US dollars; if he can't, then he's useless as balls on a hen.

I couldn't wait to see how they reacted to that reply; turned out, it held no surprises. They're morons:

SIR, USA CERTIFIED CHECK CAN NOT BE CASH OR CLEAR HERE IN UK. EVERY BODY KNOW THIS. RECALL BACK AND RESEND THROUGH ACCOUNT, WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM.

MR. WILLIAM OBERSCHLAKE IS OUR AFFICT OFFICE REPRESENTIVE HERE IN YOUR COUNTRY, BESIDE IT STIPULATED POLICY THAT ALL BENEFIARY FROM EACH COUNTRY PAY CHARGES TO IT COUNTRY OF ORGIN AND INTERNATIONAL.

THESE IS SIMPLE INSTRUCTS MEANWHILE WE SHALL ALERT SIR OSBOURNE (bastard got knighted during this shenanigan? I shall have to write the Queen about this! And he goes on) INCASE HE RECEVE HE WILL RETURN IT TO YOU.

Next up: THE finale. I think...