The Wild Wild...East?

It's not every day that I get an email from...The US Secret Service.

After reading it, I agreed with the dog: this smells.

Not that I don't know of and about the US Secret Service. James West and Artemus Gordon introduced many of us to 'prime directive' of this branch of the federal government, via 1960s TV.

In the '90s, Clint Eastwood had to step away from Dirty Harry but a short distance, to become a Secret Service agent In The Line of Fire.

And while I suspected that the Secret Service might delve into online scamming under some circumstances, I didn't reckon that 'delve' to be on the side of the scammers.

Here's what I got:

Subject: Inteligent Report On Your Fund's Delay: Acknowledge!!!

Attn. Beneficiary, with due respects, we are gad to announce you that the IMPOSERS who has been trying to scam you of Beneficiary's Inheritant Fund has been arrest and only $3.6 million us dollars has been discovered from them out of the $5.5 million usd. It has been deposit inot our private/secret account for security raisons till you show up.

Attached are pictures of the arrested (uh, there ain't no attached pictures) we also wish to inform you that you must no send money to any one through the internet without proper investigaton and authorization by this office. to name but few, the imposers who claim to be Mrs. Marilyn Melberg, Dr. Barry Skelton and Sir Allen Pearce has all been arrest.

To this effect, our HUMAN BEHAVIOUS OBSERVERS (their WTF???) has hinted and advise us that we should not deal with on the internet again during this final process of release your fung to your designated account to you (I have a fung? Leave it to the government to know that).

Due to what you have been going through, he has advice that a direct contact be establish between us and you so that you can receive you fung through any method/means you prefer without any further delay.

Our World Bank Inteligent Team has been relocate to Ohio which we believe is in your country (there are times I'm not sure about that, either, but I digress) to make sure final/successful complete of your fund release is convenently without any further stress.

How do you want us to serve you sir (he don' know me vewy well, do he?). can you come down here to receive your fund in Cash or how do you want your fund? let us know. Ohio don't require a passport in your country I think (a five minute break was needed for me to recompose and pick myself up off the floor after reading THAT gem).

After thourough invesigation which is going to be complete within next 24 hour, you fung will be release or handed orver to you facely (doing things facely is such a comfort, I reckum).

Yours in Service, Sup. Hector Graig, For Inteligent Team

World Bank/US Secret Service

How does one answer THAT? Well, I let my character, Jack N. Ewehoff, handle that:

Thank you, Secret Service, for protecting and serving me. I cannot begin to express to you how I coped while reading this.

I am disappointed, however, that the promised arrest photos were arrested by your computer, and not shared with mine. Your credibility blows goats with that one.

To your question of how I want the $3.6 million USD sent to me? In cash, of course, you dumb ass. Whaddaya think I'd take it in? Meerkat skins?

It took a couple days, but Sup. Hector Graig apparently wasn't pleased with my response:

Subject: YOU OWE APLOLOGY

Attn. Jack N. Ewehoff,

We are US Secret Service and you dont talk like us to that ok? you aplopogize or you will see your fund never ok?

A US Secret Service agent with (a) no grammatical skills and (b) feelings. Hmmmm:

Agent James West, you're a f***ing Secret Service agent. Grow up and get the f*** over it. Now, get to my money here, and tell me how I get to it there. In Ohio, you say? Sh**, a map of this h'yar countree shows me that Ohio IS part of the US, so I don't need a stupid passport, you f***ing idiot. So just where the f*** in Ohio do I have to go?

I think that reply was more insulting than the last one; but apparently my respondent has different priorities:

I am not James West i am Hector Graig. You need to come to Hamilton, OHIO, USA, to collect your fund facely. you will must bring alto your passport ID as proof of you, and process fee for money transfer. you should arrive here soonest so that complication not happen. when can you be expect?

A scammer, acting like a typical government bureaucrap. Granted, there ARE similiarities, but I digress:

Hold the f*** on, Mr. West Hector. Stand the f*** by. WHERE in Hamilton, OHIO, USA, do I have to go? And you said I didn't need a passport to go there, you f***ing dumbass. I need to find out how to fly to Hamilton, and how much that will f***ing cost me. And what about this f***ing fee? Doesn't your IR-f***ing-S get enough fees out of me already? Some answers, bub.

Lil' ol' me's language is causing this Secret Service agent some issues, but not the ones you'd expect:

relly, sir, you languag is hard to red. and my name is Hector GRAIG please. Now, you will to Dayton Ohio airport tomorrow and we can orrange meet you to take you to 1200 Central Avenue in Hamilton to our office in there. you will bring to this facely a sum of $2050 usd for purpose of fund transfer and legal process. you will leave with your moneys allgether. you understand this?

Oh, Jack understands too f***ing well:

Okay, agent Graig Artemus, I f***ing got it. I'm not some f***ing illiterate child like your mama was. And it won't be to-f***ing-morrow; I can't just drop my pants and not trip over sh** like you, bub. I will make proper f***ing arrangements to come and f***ing facely with you at the address you gave. And you better have all this sh** ready when I arrive, bub.

Before he can reply to that, I have one of those mental and oft-times pesky *TOING*s that suggest I'm about to do something dumber than heretofore, and I add a second follow-up:

Say, fella, just how the f***ing hell do I KNOW you're who you say you are? Tell you what: here's how you prove your bona fides to me. You take a picture of you, holding a cardboard sign with my name printed in big, readable block letters. That's Jack N. Ewehoff. You send me that, and I'll know you are legit, and I'll be on a plane 24 hours after I receive that from you.

I really hadn't planned on there being a Part II to this silliness....but there is. Me thinks you'll laugh. At whom, remains to be seed.