I Dream Of...Scam?

I had no thought of this old classic 60s TV show -- I Dream Of Jeannie -- until I saw who sent me my latest email scam.  An improbably-named scammer who called himself.....Anthony Nelson.

*TOING*

Here's a portion of his opening gambit, which he claimed was not the first time he'd tried to contact 'me':

MANAGING PARTNER

ANTHONY EKE-NELSON, ESQ

Berkshires House

168-173 High Holborn,

London WCIV 7AA

United Kingdom.

703-198896

7040118883

NOTIFICATION OF REQUEST

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Phillip Randall; I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address on the WILL. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Phillip Randall made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Eight  Million One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$8,100.000.00) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. Until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. He had a very good heart and loved to give out.

Yada, yada...yada. 

Of course, "Major" Nelson -- after a five year run -- went on to become famous for being a very different character in another popular TV series, Dallas.  One that's been resurrected this year (and I have no idea how it's doing, but I digress).

Anyway, I doubted that the scammer -- or his peers and colleagues I copied in the rewrite -- would much fathom the TV show history I was referencing here.  Or, for that matter, some of the dubious political personages I managed to work in.  But it was fun to play with, anyway:

From: Anthony Nelson <aeknelsn@hotmail.com>
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 9:25 AM
Subject: NOTIFICATION

ANTHONY EKE-NELSON, MAJOR

NASA

c/o Berkshires House

168-173 (Very) High Holborn,

London WCIV 7AA

United Kingdom.

703-198896

7040118883

NOTIFICATION

Okay, so you've recognized my name.  If you're old enough, you remember me from a TV show in the 60s, before I went on to be an asshole oil baron in Texas.  Which couldn't of happened if my 'genie' wife hadn't suddenly hit her PMS cycle and tried to send me where not even Captain Kirk had gone before...or since.

Damn, Babs, what was up with THAT?  You went Rachel Maddow on me and all I'd asked for was a little "kinky blinky".

But I digress, after I got back from where her "blinky" sent me.

Anyway, after her PMS-fueled snit, Babs packed up the bottle and now is gawd-only-knows-where.  And I'm technically no longer a major with NASA, though I rather liked the title and the chicks it got me when Babs wasn't turning them into Debbie Wasserputz-Schultz or Nancy 'Bela' Pelosi.

Anyway, when I'm not being an asshole oil baron in Texas, doing a remake of a show from more than 25 years ago, I am a practicing atturkey on behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Phillip Randall. 

What, you say, you haven't heard of Phillip Randall?  Frankly, neither had I until this scam...er...this endeavor was placed before me for processing.  I wish to notify you that the late Engr. Phillip Randall -- late, not because his Rolex ran slow, but late because he's DAID -- made you a beneficerary to his WILL.  He left you Eight Million One Hundred Thousand crotch crickets and the deed to his crotch cricket ranch, in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is a massaged fact in Hollyweird that virgin goats are Sean Penn's best friend.  Returning from that aside, Mr. Randall apparently being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his simian friends who pointed out your picture from a line-up we had in Nigeria six months ago. Until his death he was a member of the Chris Matthews Leg Tingles Society and the Institute of Enema and Vaginal Cigar Humidor Engineers. He had a very perverse sexual interest in sodomy with animals and loved to give out.

His great philandering earned him numerous warrants for his arrest during his life time before he died on the 13th day of July, 2012 at the age of 80 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution, since he managed to escape it.

According to Major Healy -- perhaps you remember him as well -- this deeding of the crotch cricket ranch is to support the furtherance of the rights of crotch crickets to have homes with such inclined people like Sandra Fluke.  

Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job, so I can go back to being an asshole oil baron in Texas, before my conniving brother, Bobby, pulls some sh** on me.   I'd swear he's in cahoots with Babs, but that can't be, since I'm not suddenly standing in traffic, wearing only a jockstrap, in San Freakcisco.

I hope to hear from you in no distant time through the email address below.

Awaiting my chance to bend you over,

Bannister (Major) Anthony Eke-Nelson

anthonyeken@globomail.com <anthonyeken@globomail.com>

PS:  if you find a colorful, funny-shaped bottle lying on a beach, do NOT open it!!!

None of the scammer recipients responded to this rewrite.  It is possible that they were unfamiliar with the contents therein.

Or that 'Babs' sent them on a 'kinky blinky' of their own...someone might want to warn the sheep in the Falkland Islands...