They Didn't Dream of This...

What red blooded male wouldn't want to find a bottle, open it, and have HER come out?

Okay, a few of the obvious ones.

But a scammer never saw this angle coming.  Or breathing hard.

Get a load of a scammer who claims to be a genealogist, and found my character's name might have a connection to a wealthy estate:

Greetings from Mark & Woods Ltd, Mark & Woods Genealogical Investigators specializes in probate research to locate missing heirs and beneficiaries to estates in the United Kingdom and Europe. We can also help you find wills, obtain copies of certificates, help you to administer an estate, as well as calculating how an estate, intestacy or trust should be distributed. You may be entitled to a large pay out for an inheritance in the Europe worth US$9.2 million. We have discovered an estate belonging to a deceased, which has remained unclaimed since he died in 2006 and we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living relative to the deceased we can find. You may unknowingly be the heir of this person who died without leaving a will (intestate). We will conduct a probate research to prove your entitlement, and can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you. Our service fee of 10% of the Estate and will only be paid to us after you have received the estate. The estate transfer process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to get this done very quickly. This message may come to you as a shock; however we hope to work with you to transfer the estate to you as quickly as possible. Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. mark Craig on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further discussions. With warm regards, Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO. Mark & Woods Ltd.   Righhhhht.  My character's name came up in THEIR genealogical search for a multi-million dollar estate overseas. Only a dolt that thinks Hellary Clinton is the smartest woman on Earth would fall for that. So it was time for an edit...one that played on the service the scammer claimed to be providing.  Just not how it was bein' offered:   Greetings from Marked & Other Woods Ltd, Marked & Other Woods Ltd Genie-ological Investigators specializes in prostrate research to locate missing genies stuck in bottles, boxes, botas, bongs...from the Middle East to the Far East, Near East, the East United Kingdom and...well, f**k...the western parts of alla dem too. We can also help you find wills, won'ts, whyfornots, photoshop copies of certificates, help you to administer an enema, as well as calculating how an enema -- in or out -- should be distributed. You may be entitled to largesse beyond your wildest dreams if you find a real genie. If you find something that looks like Osama bin Laden...well, that's a bottle you shoulda put down and backed away from really slowly, since that foulness on his breath is his 72 virgin camels and fact is..they weren't virgin. We have discovered an estate with a container that kinda sorta looks a little tad bit like there might be a genie therein it; of course, it could also be an unopened bottle of Boone's Farm Blue, circa 1969, that is just waiting to be opened to unleash the grapes of wrath...which at 99 cents a bottle, would be rather wrathful being bottled up since '69. At any rate, we have strong reasons to believe you are the closest living bone head to take a chance on opening the container we can find. You may unknowingly be the heir of I Dream Of Jeannie, circa 1969; or a demonic wildebeest hairball, which is what Boone's Farm is allegedly distilled from. We will conduct a prostate research to prove you have one and are therefore entitled to a shot at the container, and what ecstasy or agonies it contains therein. What's more, we can submit a claim on your behalf at no risk to you until you open it. At that, we be outta there in case it's the demonic wildebeest hairball. Our service fee of 10% of what a genie grants you for your first wish will only be paid to us after you have found that it IS a genie in the container and not a demonic wildebeest hairball. We waive all fees if it's the latter. In fact, we don't know you...we never knew you...just who in the f**k ARE you?   The process should take just a matter of days as we have the mechanism and expertise to monumentally screw the pooch very quickly if it's a negative outcome. At that point, what's negative that came out is all yours. This message may come to you as a shock; all that much more if it's a demonic wildebeest hairball in that thing. Feel free to email our senior case worker Mr. Mark Craig who has a mondo hard-on, hoping it's Jeannie in there, on email: mark_craig@dbzmail.com for further disgusting nonsense. With regards of likely dubious sorts, Mr. Mark B.T. Craig, CEO. Marked & Other Woods Ltd "We dream of Jeannies; we f**king FREAK at demonic wildebeest hairballs!"   The scammer genealogist quickly decided that a follow up contact with my character was NOT in his best interest.  I'm sure the picture of that hairball did it...

I Dream Of...Scam?

I had no thought of this old classic 60s TV show -- I Dream Of Jeannie -- until I saw who sent me my latest email scam.  An improbably-named scammer who called himself.....Anthony Nelson.

*TOING*

Here's a portion of his opening gambit, which he claimed was not the first time he'd tried to contact 'me':

MANAGING PARTNER

ANTHONY EKE-NELSON, ESQ

Berkshires House

168-173 High Holborn,

London WCIV 7AA

United Kingdom.

703-198896

7040118883

NOTIFICATION OF REQUEST

On behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Phillip Randall; I once again try to notify you as my earlier letter returned undelivered. I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address on the WILL. I wish to notify you that late Engr. Phillip Randall made you a beneficiary to his WILL. He left the sum of Eight  Million One Hundred Thousand Dollars (USD$8,100.000.00) to you in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real and true. Being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his numerous friends abroad who wished you good. Until his death was a member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. He had a very good heart and loved to give out.

Yada, yada...yada. 

Of course, "Major" Nelson -- after a five year run -- went on to become famous for being a very different character in another popular TV series, Dallas.  One that's been resurrected this year (and I have no idea how it's doing, but I digress).

Anyway, I doubted that the scammer -- or his peers and colleagues I copied in the rewrite -- would much fathom the TV show history I was referencing here.  Or, for that matter, some of the dubious political personages I managed to work in.  But it was fun to play with, anyway:

From: Anthony Nelson <aeknelsn@hotmail.com>
To:
Sent: Thursday, September 6, 2012 9:25 AM
Subject: NOTIFICATION

ANTHONY EKE-NELSON, MAJOR

NASA

c/o Berkshires House

168-173 (Very) High Holborn,

London WCIV 7AA

United Kingdom.

703-198896

7040118883

NOTIFICATION

Okay, so you've recognized my name.  If you're old enough, you remember me from a TV show in the 60s, before I went on to be an asshole oil baron in Texas.  Which couldn't of happened if my 'genie' wife hadn't suddenly hit her PMS cycle and tried to send me where not even Captain Kirk had gone before...or since.

Damn, Babs, what was up with THAT?  You went Rachel Maddow on me and all I'd asked for was a little "kinky blinky".

But I digress, after I got back from where her "blinky" sent me.

Anyway, after her PMS-fueled snit, Babs packed up the bottle and now is gawd-only-knows-where.  And I'm technically no longer a major with NASA, though I rather liked the title and the chicks it got me when Babs wasn't turning them into Debbie Wasserputz-Schultz or Nancy 'Bela' Pelosi.

Anyway, when I'm not being an asshole oil baron in Texas, doing a remake of a show from more than 25 years ago, I am a practicing atturkey on behalf of the Trustees and Executor of the estate of Late Engr. Phillip Randall. 

What, you say, you haven't heard of Phillip Randall?  Frankly, neither had I until this scam...er...this endeavor was placed before me for processing.  I wish to notify you that the late Engr. Phillip Randall -- late, not because his Rolex ran slow, but late because he's DAID -- made you a beneficerary to his WILL.  He left you Eight Million One Hundred Thousand crotch crickets and the deed to his crotch cricket ranch, in the codicil and last testament to his WILL.

This may sound strange and unbelievable to you, but it is a massaged fact in Hollyweird that virgin goats are Sean Penn's best friend.  Returning from that aside, Mr. Randall apparently being a widely traveled man, he must have been in contact with you in the past or simply you were recommended to him by one of his simian friends who pointed out your picture from a line-up we had in Nigeria six months ago. Until his death he was a member of the Chris Matthews Leg Tingles Society and the Institute of Enema and Vaginal Cigar Humidor Engineers. He had a very perverse sexual interest in sodomy with animals and loved to give out.

His great philandering earned him numerous warrants for his arrest during his life time before he died on the 13th day of July, 2012 at the age of 80 years, and his WILL is now ready for execution, since he managed to escape it.

According to Major Healy -- perhaps you remember him as well -- this deeding of the crotch cricket ranch is to support the furtherance of the rights of crotch crickets to have homes with such inclined people like Sandra Fluke.  

Please if I reach you this time as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as possible to enable me conclude my job, so I can go back to being an asshole oil baron in Texas, before my conniving brother, Bobby, pulls some sh** on me.   I'd swear he's in cahoots with Babs, but that can't be, since I'm not suddenly standing in traffic, wearing only a jockstrap, in San Freakcisco.

I hope to hear from you in no distant time through the email address below.

Awaiting my chance to bend you over,

Bannister (Major) Anthony Eke-Nelson

anthonyeken@globomail.com <anthonyeken@globomail.com>

PS:  if you find a colorful, funny-shaped bottle lying on a beach, do NOT open it!!!

None of the scammer recipients responded to this rewrite.  It is possible that they were unfamiliar with the contents therein.

Or that 'Babs' sent them on a 'kinky blinky' of their own...someone might want to warn the sheep in the Falkland Islands...