Nigerian Illumiknotheads Cain't Git Enuff

It got the attention of camels world-wide, but not so much here.

The current Nigerian craze in email scamming IS putting forth a full effort into their Illuminati fraud.

And it might be working somewhere over the rainbow.

But not here.

What it has done is increased page visits to this blog from around the world, as the Nigerian Illumiknotheads try to be the kardashians of 419 Land.

So here's another post sure to get more visits to the blog  ;-)

Once again, here's how simple the scammer pitch is:


Are you an Intern, Scholar, Leader, or Person with notable/celebrated Talent or Resources?

The 1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you ALREADY(1) in place within Organizations we have an interest in.

http://illuminatiorder.com is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.

We do not accept any sort of "Application" from the Public, however we do take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our "work" enough seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.

Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in illuminism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in their Business and Personal Affairs.

If you are interested in the evolution of Mankind and a "mutually beneficial" future, we may be interested in working with you get in contact with us through this [GREATTEMPLEOFILLUMINATI@GMAIL.COM
+2348159645330   


And here is how easy it is to take their pitch and make it into something that the world loves to read and the Nigerians fume about:

On Sunday, September 21, 2014 9:59 PM, "greattempleofilluminati@gmail.com" had writ for them because they are Third World troglodytes incapable of anything intelligible:
 

   
Are you a practitioner of anything perverted when it comes to the ass or vagina of an animal?

The 1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you in place with animals that you can rape and sodomize.  This  we have an interest in.

http://illuminatiorder.com is the center of the perversion universe for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order.  Those of us with our heads up our asses in this Nigerian organization are working on an "Inner Head of the Odor" and hope to have something on the website soonest, with all the modalities worked out and whatever else stuffs we write.

We do not accept any sort of "Application" from the Public; then again, our blind email solicitations haven't been doing so goodest lately -- there are sons of bitches out there who take and edit them and post them and make us look worse than we already look inside of Nigeria -- however we do take note of individuals who are too stupid to do any internet research on us and write to us actually believing and hoping that we can produce any of the promised shit we say we can do, when all we truly can do is figure prod our buttholes between sodomy sessions with goats and other animals.  This is about all we have interest in.

Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in buttfingering-and-sodomy-ism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in their Business and Personal Affairs to become as Third World low life as us of the Nigerian Illumiknotheads.

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If you are interested in the corrosion and perversion of Mankind and a "personally destructive" future, we may be interested in working with you.  F**k that...we desperately NEED TO HEARS FROM YOU or Ogun -- our fly-infested internet enforcer -- will kill us for non-productivity, and he'll rape all of our goats and animals and we won't get nothing to finger but our own buttholes.  Please not to let this happen to us, you must get in contact with us through this [GREATTEMPLEOFILLUMINATI@GMAIL.COM
+2348159645330

This has been sponsored by the Nestor Law Firm, a firm of Nigerians who want you to think that they are lawyers, instead of the vaginal warts that they really are.  For all your illegal and perverted needs, let the Nestor Law Firm be the worst collection of mugus you'll ever wish you'd never contacted.  Nestorlawfirm@outlook.com.  This is a paid for advertisement (we got to sodomize their goats to post this).    

 

 

Yeah, I know...rude, crude, and among democrats, probably not pc (other than where they're actually doing this, like at DNC HQ in DC).  But it's getting readers researching the latest craze from Nigerian 419ers, and it's pissing off the 419ers.

 

I'm good with both:  illuminating the Nigerian illumiknotheads for what they are  ;-) 

Editing The UN, One Nigerian At A Time

Calvin 'n Hobbes are a great help here.

To the Nigerians...not so much.

Another email from the *small cap* united nations, again telling my character that he's due compensation for having been scammed.

Granted, it's not like the un isn't busy with other stuff, like trying to get the whole world to buy into AlGore's agw climate fraud.

I can understand them wanting to make a Third World planet out of us, but I digress.

Anyway, the *small cap* united nations wants my character to believe this email:

Attention: Beneficiary,

How are you doing today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for past Seven months which ended Three days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS in the person of Mr. Kofi Anan.

This mail is to all the people that have been scammed or extorted money from because of your contract/inheritance payment execution in any part of the world, People that lost their relative in war in Middle East, in natural disaster victims also people that has spent time in contribution to growth of humanity and less privileged once the UNITED NATIONS with UNICEF have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$500.000.00 this includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract Sum and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international business that failed due to government problems or irregularities etc. We found your name in our list and that is why we Are contacting you, these have been agreed upon and have been signed by the United Nations Board of Directors and Trustees.

You have to contact Mrs. Justina Wataego, our payment agent, as she is our UNITED NATIONS representative Payment Unit, contact her immediately for your Cheque/International Bank Draft/ATM CASH CARD/via Telegraphic wire Transfer of US$500,000.00 these funds are in a Bank

Draft/ATM Card for security purpose. She will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice. Therefore, you should send her your full Names and telephone numbers/your correct mailing addresses where you want her to send the MONEY to you. And tell her your file Reference below (RE-1077_V).

Contact Mrs. Justina Wataego immediately for your

Cashier Cheque/ATM card:

Person to Contact: Name: Mrs. Justina Wataego

Tel: +234-80-72600939

Email: mrsjustina.wataego@yahoo.es  

 

 

Like always, my character was so impressed, he responded with the most thankful of edits:

 

 

Attention: Benneyfisherary,

Wazzup, bleed?  Ah ax you dat hokay? You may not understand why this mail came to you. It come cuz you gotz email.  We gotz email.  You gotz email address.  We gets your email address.  It come.  Hokay you sabe?

We have been having a meeting for past Seven months which ended Three days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS in the person of Mr. Kofi Anan.  The stupid, inefficient f**k takes 7 months to run a meeting.  What a hosedawg dweeb.

This mail is to all the people that have not yet been scammed or extorted money from.  We scamming pieces of sh*t are falling down on the job h'yar, and that's what Coffee Anus took 7 months to 'splain to us.  Yada, yada, yada.  We found your name in our list of peoples ain't what yet got scammed, and we sez to ourselves -- yes we doez, on accounta cuz no one wants have speaks with us since our breath smells like our unwashed asses -- "awww crap!", and that is why we Are contacting you...cuz you don't know that yet.

Now, you have to contact Mrs. Justina Wataego, our online prostitute, as she is our UNITED NATIONS whore representative.  Her genitals are so worn out that when she stands, they sag to her ankles.  So contact her immediately or the army ants are going to get it before you can.  Contact her and she will check her appointment calendar -- carved in a tree outside of Lagos -- and she'll get back to you. Therefore, you should send her your full Names and telephone numbers/your correct mailing addresses.   And tell her to shove her genitals back up inside until you get a whack at them.

Contact Mrs. Justina Wataego immediately for the absolutely WORST sexual experience you'll ever have, unless you let a piranha give you a blow job.  That's conceivably worse.

Person to Contact: Name: Mrs. Justina Wataego

Tel: +234-80-72600939

Email: mrsjustina.wataego@yahoo.es

Hoping to hear from you soonest. Making the world a sucky place online.  That's what we of the un do.  It's about all we do.  Besides sodomize stuffed animals and geese.

Regards,

Dr. Ban My-Moon (cuz it's fat and cottage cheesed).

UN SECRETARY GENERAL

(UNITED NATIONS)  

 

 

I'm sure the *small caps* united nations will not be pleased to find out that their latest effort to give me the business worked as well as the others they've tried for the past 15 years.

 

But it appeared to draw a *smirk* from Calvin 'n Hobbes.

"You Have Something Lodged Somewhere.."

There are jobs that are exactly as they appear.

Here's a quickie scammer email that emanates from .... c'mon, you know .... Nigeria.


Dear Beneficiary,
Please be informed that you have $250,000,00 USD lodged in western
union office to be transferred to you in the ongoing United Nations 2013
compensation. for more details Contact:
EMAIL:westernuniononline@foxmail.com//mail.westernuniononline99@yahoo.co.uk.
HOTLINE: +2347068389583  


They kept it short and simple.  I decided to do the same in the edited reply:

Dear Beneficerary,
Please be informed that you have $250,000,00 USD lodged in the anal cavity of a seriously constipated hippo, and it seriously wants to maul the crap out of you when you come to claim it.  Contact:
EMAIL:westernuniononline@foxmail.com//mail.westernuniononline99@yahoo.co.uk.
HOTLINE: +2347068389583

 

*NOTE:  if your hotline is hindquartered in Nigeria, you KNOW it's gotta be gooooooooooooood....for nuthin'.  We're also the hindquarters of soeterodoesn'tcare telefraudic help center....please call, we need your personal informations since our email scams are lagging in effectiveness lately.  

 

 

While this drew no comment from Nigeria, it appears that someone from DC did check it out...and is jealous that the Nigerians are getting more calls than the soeterodoesn'tcare web blight.

Can They Really Be THIS Stupid?

The answer is an absolutely, YES.

And I got me one here to prove it.

During a recent spate of scambaiting activity, I had one that slipped through the cracks.  But he sent me a prod the other night, and what took place in exchange was...beyond laughable.

I like going beyond that with scammers.

Alou Aloustos...nice name...with another scam that claimed the government of Nigeria had set aside funds to compensate "victims of Nigerian 419 scam artists", and that my email address had come up in their investigation.

Not really; they sent the email to one address and I merely forwarded it to another, to screw widdit.

Of no great surprise, it wasn't the address that mattered; it was the reply.

I didn't edit this one; I simply thanked them for their thoughtfulness, and when could I expect my money?

That drew a quick "three methods of payment" email from Alou, and I was to choose which one I preferred.

Well, with all the other scambaits going at the time, I forgot about it.

My bad.

What follows here is the not too long, not too short series of exchanges, along with the rather gratifyingly silly twist the scambaiter took with the scammer, who was entirely none the wiser.


The usual modalities of this page apply (scammer's emails in bold, my responses in italics):


Andrew, I am been wait for you to get back to me on method you prefer to have your fund delivered to you as.  Here are the option:

1) THROUGH K.T.T WIRE TRANSFER (THE BANK WILL TRANSFER YOUR FUND INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT) – $599 TRANSER FEES
2)THROUGH DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY (THE DIPLOMAT WILL CONVEY YOUR FUND TO YOU IN YOUR HOME COUNTRY) – $559 TRANSFER FEES
3) THROUGH MONEY GRAM ( THE BANK WILL HANDLE MODALITIES AND WIRING ON THIS END) – $499 TRANSFER FEES
Thanks and God bless.
Alan.


　
Actually, I didn’t...this one slipped through the cracks with all the other scambaits I had running at the time. So, something a bit off the beaken path:

　
　
Thank you. I opt for the check to be delivered to me via carrier pterydactyl.

　　
THE OPTION YOU CHOOSE IS A TRANSFER FEE OF $499. IF YOU AGREE TO THIS, A MONEY GRAM INSTRUCTION WILL COME TO YOU.


　
Fine; and I can send my fee to you via the carrier pterydactyl, and you can send me my check back via the same. He knows his way home.

After a day to ponder it, I get this:


　
I CANT FIND THIS MODE YOU REFER TO.



This is too good to let go of:


　
But you QUOTED ME A PRICE FOR IT!!!
　
ANDREW, MONEY GRAM IS CHEAPER THAN THIS UNKNOW MODALITY.


　
But the quote you sent me is the same for money gram as you quoted for the carrier pterydactyl!.

　
USE MONEY GRAM IS A SAFE MODE.


　
If you've ever tried to take anything away from a carrier pterydactyl, and you're not authorized, you'd find them pretty dang safe, too.

　
YOU HAVE ONE OF THIS TO USE?


　
Lordy, I got me a double dose of dumbass here:

　
　
Yes, and with your okay, I'll give it the fees and send it your way.

　
HOW AM I TO KNOW IT?


　
Trust me, Alou...you can't miss it when it lands on your structure...the structure usually falls in.


I haven't heard back from Alou yet....mebbe he finally googled?

Susan Loans...And Moans

Yes, this much here can be YOURS, for ONLY 3% interest for the life of the loan!

It is to laugh.

I will give this scammer credit:  since first contacting me -- now on three different email addresses -- 'she' has created a sorta-kinda-eh, mebbe- credible web site for her scam loan company.

Of course, you know it HAS to be a scam loan company; it's based in....*drum roll*.......Nigeria.

The company is Susan Loan Services.  Or at least, that's what a fly-infested internet cafe in Nigeria is calling itself.

Their email starts out simple, like so many other online loan scams:  Do you need a loan to pay off your debt or start a business?loan offer at 3% interest rate,contact us if you are interested in a loan.

And that's all there is to it:  you hit 'reply' and inquire.  And her next email lays it out for you:

Dear Applicant, 

 Thank you for selecting us in meeting your financial requirements.We are a registered private lender, we give out loans to various people all over the world. We give out Agricultural Loan, Auto Loans,Student Loan, Mortgage Loan, Personal Loan, Business Loan, Home equity Loan, Debt Consolidation Loan and other good reason, we also give out loans from the range of 1,000 – 10,000,000 (Dollars, Euros or Pounds) at 3% interest rate. Duration of 1- 30 years depending on the amount you need as loan.

Qualifications:

The Borrower must be above 20 years of age.

The Loan can be granted even with low credit

There is no pre-payment penalty.

You do not need a Co-signer

APPLICATION FORM:

Full Name:

Age:

Sex:

Next of kin (Name in Full):

Email:

Phone:

Mobile or Cellular:

Monthly Income:

Home Address:

Country:

Occupation:

Loan Amount:

Loan Duration:

Purpose of loan:

The above data information must be filled accordingly and submitted to us for proper processing of your loan request.

Thanks And God Bless

 Mr. Roland Gabriel.

So naturally I filled out the application...once as Ben Dover, and once as U. R. Phulovit (since I received the same offer across three different email addresses).  From the third one I'm preparing an 'edit' that I am sure will please Susan Loan Service so much, she'll include it on her website 'Testimonial' page.

Not  ;-)

And of course, once the application is 'accepted' -- Susan Loan Services accepts 100% of applicants LOL -- 'she' follows up with an email, requesting a modest fee for processing.  For U. R. Phulovit -- who requested $35,000 to fix his pet gerbil's platypus feet (yes, they do ask what the purpose of the loan is for, but apparently don't care) -- the processing fee is a modest $200, to be Western Unioned ASAP to:

NAME:Susan Lee
COUNTRY:Italy
Town:Rome
AMOUNT:$200


But Susan and her scam buddies got confused, 'cuz as you'll see in the upcoming exchanges, another name and location for the Western Union emails will surface.

 

An online lending service in Nigeria has me pay the $200 fee to a 'woman' in Rome, Italy?  Ya gotta love this scammer.  Granted, 'she' - 'they' - 'whomever' can say to send it ANYWHERE.  'Cuz if it's really sent, a Western Union MTCN is all that's needed to collect it, anywhere Western Union is.

So, U. R. Phulovit is now doing the "it'll be wired early next week" routine, while my other playing character -- Ben Dover -- just sent in his application.  Which I am sure will be accepted, because Ben's need for $350,000 is much more plausible than a mere "gerbil foot exchange".

Ben needs $350,000 to open up a piranha genital rebushing clinic.  Really.  Better still: whoever 'reviews' the applications and reasons for the loans, apparently doesn't care about any of it, other than that someone replied.


Rather than try to keep you up with the email salvos between the scammer and both of my characters, we'll now just focus on the key emails between Ben Dover and 'Susan Loans', or whomsoever it is I'm bantering with.  What you'll see now are several days' worth of exchanges, as they went back and forth.  Enjoy:



In regards to your mail note that you are to send to us a valid copy of your identification card or send to us the details on the card as stated below,also provide to us details of your account where you want the loan funds to be transferred to.   Regarding your selected option which is bank-to-bank wire transfer note that the charges on it which is the cost of insurance and transfer fee of $200 should be sent to us via Western Union with the details of our accountant in charge of payment with his information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)

Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.

Country: Nigeria

Text Question to use: TO

Text Answer to use:  US

Amount to send: $200

(see what I mean about where to send and to whom?)

There will be a one day delay in my sending the $200 fee; I had an unexpected expense this weekend, but I get paid at work tomorrow, and will have no problem wiring the fee on Tuesday, May 14.  And I see I have new wiring instructions and a different person to send to.  Eh...long as it gets where it needs to.

 In regards to your mail note that we shall be waiting on your payment of the $200 tomorrow and in this main time kindly get back to us with your identification card or the information on it and also your banking information (Provide the information below).

BANK INFORMATION:

Account Holder Name:     Ben Dover

Bank Name:                     Westminster Bank PLC

Account Number:              **********

Swift Code/ Routing Number:   *********

IDENTIFICATION CARD INFORMATION:

Identity card Number:   **-***-****

Type of Identity card:    DL

Name in the Identity card:  Ben Dover

Issue date and expiry date:   2-09/2-14

D.O.B:    2-29-76

Residential Address:   *** ********* St  Central City CO 80427

Waiting for the above information today and the payment tomorrow so that everything can be completed.

I will wire the funds tomorrow without fail.

Good morning to you,this is to inform you that we will be expecting the payment information from you today and also which to inform you that your identification and banking information have been received, In regards to the payment of the $200 note that you are to use the details of our accountant in charge of payment and effect the payment to us using Western Union with the information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)

Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.

Country: Nigeria

Text Question to use: TO

Text Answer to use:  US

Amount to send: $200

I will be running errands this morning and picking up my pay from my employer at 11am my time; after that, I will go to Western Union and attend to this.  I'll email you confirmation afteward.

Hope all is well, Why the delay in the payment? We have been waiting for the payment as promised because you said from 11am you will be sending the payment and now i believe it's about 3pm there and we haven't gotten a mail from you in regards to the payment, Please get back to us about this now if you have sent the payment or not and if yes get back to us with the payment receipt and information of the payment receipt.

I am most apologetic for the delay.  Yes, the $200 was wired at noon my time from Western Union, to the person and location you instructed.   I thank you again for the loan.

 

Thanks for the mail, If the payment have been made kindly please send to us the below information and the payment receipt.

You have all this information, since I copied verbatim what you asked me to use.  Please refer back to your instruction email prior to my making the payment.

 If you said you have sent the payment as instructed kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Get back to us with the below information to confirm that you have sent the payment so that we can proceed.

Ma'am, I used the information you asked for, and sent it to that information as instructed.

Please kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Oh...there are 10 numbers.  Which one does he need?

Yes send to me the MTCN which is the 10 number, Send the 10 numbers to us now. the complete 10 numbers.

Fine.  The complete 10 numbers together total 79 (not really, but no one said I hadda be able to add for scammers).

Send to us the MTCN which is 10 digit only. It's 10 numbers and not 79... Why telling me nonsense? Please send to me the receipt of your payment if you have made the payment really.

What nonsense?  You asked me for the ten numbers together.  They equal 79!  I added them up!  Now, if you want me to send you the receipt, I will need your regular, not email address...I'll have to send it to you overseas air mail, because my scanner is not working right.  If I try to scan it to you, I don't know that you can read it.

Is overseas airmail okay?

Send to us the number which is written as the MTCN(Money Transfer Control Number) it's just 10 digit only and want you to send it to us via email, we do not accept payment of the insurance/transfer fees receipt sent to us via airmail because it's the receipt of payment.

Send to us the 10 digit you see near where it's written MTCN.

Hell, why didn't you say so?  It's 0995487893.  Is that all you need?

This MTCN you sent to us is not valid, Please track on your payment yourself on the Western Union site

That's impossible, Susan.  I read you the actual 10 numbers right off the receipt.

Okay, Send to us the country you sent it to and the sender's name used as also show on the reciept of payment.

 

I just sent that to you.  Your accountant in Nigeria.

What's the sender's name used? For God sake you are sending me wrong information, Send to me the sender's name used to send the $200.

The sender's name?  What the f**k...that's ME!!!  I'm the sender!  You know...Ben Dover?  I'm the sender!  And my country is the USA.  America?

Send to us the payment receipt and check correctly if the MTCN you sent is correct because the one you gave me is not correct.

This is so unreal.  I went...me, myself...went to Western Union.  I...me...wired you $200.  I..here..have the receipt.  My Western Union number-generating phone app itself gave me the number.  So I am at a loss here.  The money is there.  Just as you instructed it to be.  I should have sent it to the Marx Brothers (ettu, Indiana Jones?). 

Give to me your phone number now let me call you now.

Okay...my number is ***-***-**** (which is my actual voice mail, currently with me imitating a sorta chinese).

I am calling it's on voicemail, Pick up the calls now. 

Voicemail?  I am sitting here and my phone hasn't rung yet.  Try again.

It's still on voicemail, You give me a call now. +234 805-379-1036. 

Well if its on voicemail, then leave me a message and I'll get back to you.  Isn't that how voicemail works?  Dang, do I have to think of everything here? 

Ogun kill me, Send me the correct MTCN now. 

I can't call you overseas from this number; I had to put an overseas block on it, because my pet rock ran up $750 in calls to Liechtenstein last December.   Who is ogun?  (Seymour insisted in getting in on this in a cameo role).

Ogun kill you, Send me the correct MTCN now.  

Ogun kill me?  What'd I do?  And back to my first question...who the f**k is Ogun?  

Man send me the correct information, I have other things to do, If you are in need of this loan seriously send to me a copy of the payment receipt by snapping it with your phone 

(he doesn't know I'm about the only person left in the world without a cell phone...)

This makes no sense!  I snapped it with my phone and it only krinkled the paper.  What did that accomplish?

And who the f**k is Ogun?

Send me the correct MTCN now 

I did!  And who the f**k is Ogun?

At this point, I think the dude is totally unstrung, 'cuz what he/she/it writes next looks like a scammer completely off their scam template:

Guy i need box i need box to take bomb o, Which box u dey use, make we forget this matter make we talk work 

Now you speak to me in ooga booga riddles?  Ogun want to kill me by bomb my box?  Who the f**k is Ogun?

Stop play with us, If you made payment please send us the correct information. If not forget it. 

I swear, Susie, you run a most disorganized loan service.  You can't pick up a simple Western Union, you have people who can't type or spell, and who want Ogun to kill them and me -- who the f**k is Ogun -- they want me to snap a receipt with a phone, crinkling the paper, and they want to bomb my box, and I don't even know what box they're talking about?  I sent you the accurate information.  Is this what it's like getting a loan from Chicago?

Send us the information on the payment receipt please

So I relent...and send them a copy of a Western Union so fuzzied up that Superman couldn't read it:

I warned you that my scanner wasn't working very well.  Since snapping the receipt with my phone only crinkled it, here's the receipt scanned.  I hope you have better eyes than I do. 

There is no way we can view this receipt you sent, Please give to us the MTCN number on the receipt only.. Give it to us now 

Jesus H and Mary Josephine Francis Beulah Bondage Billy Bob Christ, how many times do I have to give you the same number?  And who the f**k is Ogun?

This is wrong man, this wrong wrong wrong man.   You did not send the fee if not you would have given us the correct information. The MTCN you gave to us is not correct.  you are asshol Mr. Ben.

NO, it isn't wrong, man.  It is the correct mtcn.  At least once it was.  And who the f**k is Ogun? 

Can I have my loan now?

Needless to say, I never got the loan...they never got the $200 I never sent.  And we still don't know who the f**k Ogun was.

Bad Skunk New Year

It was suggested that perhaps it was time for yours truly -- da curmudgeon-in-training Skunkmeister -- to select a resolution for the new year, one that I'd actually make an effort to keep.

Like, try bein' nicer to my fellow man.

So, with an email I received in the waning days of '10, I thought I might just try it out. A kinder, gentler, less-likely-to-wig-out Skunkmeister.

First, the email (not the whole thang, just enough to give y'all an ideer h'yar):

Dear Valued Cusomer,

I am Mr. Tony Duke from Western Union, On behalf of the International Monetary Fund/United Nations/ECOWAS, I conce again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned undelivered (ya dumb ass, quit tryin' to send me liver in the mail, and mebbe I'd keep it....oops...*pose of peace and an elongated Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*). I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address been the beneficary today (so it didn't work the first time, try try again 'til it doesn't work the 100th time...what a bu...oops again...*Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*). If you receive this email, we are writing to inform you that we have been gived the mandat to transfer your full consipation (the *Ahmmmmm* just about bent at the syntax...dang, this resolution sh** is hard work) payment of $100,000USD via Western Union by the International Monetary Fund with United Nation and ECOWAS.

You get the idea.

It goes on to tell me that I may go to Western Union, right this mo', and pick up my first daily installment -- yes, that's daily -- of $5,000. Each day, every day, until I have received my authorized $100,000USD.

So, lessee how I dun with my first test of my new 2011 resolution to be a kinder, gentler, more trusting Skunk:

'Eyyyy, Dukey, wazzzzzzzzzz up? Long time no badda bing wid yo' sistah, Dukey, y'know whadda mean heah? I went to those mugs at Westin Onion, an' ah sez to dem mugs, ah sez, "see this h'yah email message heah? It sez youse got some scratch o' mine heah! So make widda dough!" An' da mug at Westin Onion, he sez...really, he sez "make widda passwoid 'er fuggedaboudit!". An' ah gits all pissed, y'see, 'cuz youse didn' make widda passwoid heah! Soo, wazzzzzzz up widda passwoid heah?

So much for that resolution. Especially since they replied...even to that:

Dear Valued Cusomer, we are emailing you sequal to your mail, i want you to know that we are not try to offend you anywhere but only to make that you follow the normal process in get your inheretant process through our office as you must now that this is a western union agents and also a government INC company.

It goes on for several more paragiraffes of semi-coherent drivel, then lets me know that in order to collect my first $5,000 daily allotment, I must pay a handling fee to Western Union of $100.

The price of getting fleeced is coming down almost as fast as the dollar.

And, of course, I'm supposed to send this $100 via -- who'd a thunk it -- Western Union. To Justice Obaze, located in sunny -- again, who'd a thunk it -- Lagos, Nigeria.

My 2011 resolution is soooooooo dead:

WT new year F???? Youse sez...and youse DID sez, 'cuz ah read it h'yah...youse sez ah needs ta PAY to RECEIVE dis badda boom Westin Onion? Ta tawlk like dem youngstas widda text massagin' gig, "R U Fing kiddin' me h'yah"? Lay some bad 'splanation on me one each one time, Rastus. I ain't ta follerin' y'all.

This doesn't end the communication, but it does bring to a halt the long-winded replies. Proof that I can derail a resolution in a simple email exchange, is as conclusive as the follerin':

who is rastus? is what you not understand here you follow what we say you get money. why hard of you to do?

'Eyyyy, finoke, youse not gettin' th' basic gist of da ting heah, eh? Lemme spell da ting out heah for youse: Westin Onion is da place where da mugs eddah gives youse da moola, or da mugs what charges youse ta send it, hokay dokay finoke? Youse gettin' what ah'm layin' here on youse okay? Youse pay ta send ta me heah; ah don' pay to receive from youse heah. Dats da fact, Jack. So....wazzzzz wid youse lil' Benjamin gig heah?

do you writ english pleese you are not understanded to us how you write pleese to do as you is been told to and all is in your favour now. no more delay is good for your business ok.

'Eyyyyy, wazzzzamatta wid da way ah enunciate mahsef heah, eh? Wazz youse gots agin' da way ah types heah? Youse prejudgeiced? Y' wanna make widda throw down heah? C'mawn, finoke...eddah make widda passwoid what makes widda dough, or don' be prevokin' me h'yah, y'know whadda mean?

i can not read what you say do you have someone there who can tranlate? we wast time for you not writ in english now

Ewot...bloody cheeky of you bloomin' wankers, talkin' crikey to me associate th' bloomin' way ye are. Blimey, e's likely to do a knot an' make a whacking great boomsedaisy ootta ya now!

is this a game you think funy to play on me? you loose out on money you not stop this game and do as i say you do.

Micshiessen? Da, hundsfott, schtuffen das sprechen schiessen uppen your glockenspiel midde shove undt pushen! Geshiessen ist das vhat du ist fullensee, ja! Awpeterstain!

you are not serous to me so this is not deal for you at longer to be. no more you comunicate with me now.

'Eyyyy...who the f*** cares? If ah send youse a billyun emails, phfffffffft, fuggetaboudit, youse gonna keep h'yarin' from this heah mug, youse gettin' da picture heah?

And he is, too. Startin' with three days into da new yeah heah, and I'm forwardin' to him every spam email I get. And through one email account, that's a dozen on average per day.

Shot that resolution all to heckydarnpoo.

Eh...resolutions are overrated ;-)

Vhat Das Fokk -- III

As we will see from the conclusion of Part II, the bank is all too happy to accept my recent request regardingk travel:

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail and to notify you that after the governing board of directors meeting this morning, we have decided to honour your request. This was reached at because of the government policy which directed us to discharge all foreing payment matters with expidency. This will require you to provide to your legal representative the sum of USD $3,500 so that this identifies your laywer as having legal standing to stand instead of you for the signing of all required documents.

And within the same day, I get this from Herr Dankwanker (not that he and the "bank" can be working in concert? Nahhh):

My good friend thank you for your promptess in this transaction which is very good sign that we are on course. I will want us to hav eth efund transfer before the ending of this week so here I present you the attorney's information on which you send him required funds on Western Union money transfer.

Name: John Eze Location: Lagos Nigera Text Question: Charges

Answer: Signing

I am very happy that the attorny I engaged is capble of handling this project without delay because of his competency to carry out such assignment without complicity. Please you soonest to send Western Union MTCN number to attorney after wiring, so not to delay as our project. I know that we will both celebrate within a couple days.

Well, one of us will, anyway ;-)

After waiting a couple of days, I send the long-anticipated email:

Herr Hassan Chop undt Dankwanker,

Mitte das haste urged upon me, I left vork early undt dispatched das payment as directed, to Bannister John Eze, fer das fee of $3,500 USD. I had das money convertedt to USD from das Euros, fer convenience of das transaction undt schtuff. Das MTCN number ist 4377017734.

It takes another full day, but on Thursday, August 16, the 'fun' begins:

I have received the message which contains your sending information and i have to ask you to furnish those details for clearity at the western union office because the operation of the agent here some times goes through certain routine. The lawyer come back with details you forward and says the details didn't match western union. They asked the lawyer to produce the receipt for the money payment from your side that maybe there is a mistake somewhere. Please scan your recept and send it immediate you read this. we must clear of this quick to assure no time is lost in transaction future.

Yeah, what he said. So I waited until the early morning of the 17th to reply:

Mischtake mitte Vestern Union payment? Neinen, sir. Das ist not pozzible. I vill send you copy of das receipt at vunce. I am sure zat witte dis, you vill be able to collect das funds I vired fer das business undt schtuff.

Later that day, I get this anxious reply:

Please to help us now. It is quite unfortunate we are having delay at this point in time because the western union office in your country have not posted the money that you send trhough them. Barrister John Eze have gone with the receipt that you send and the officer in the western union told him that they could not access the payment and advice him to get back with you to determine from why on your end the payment not posted. This put everything at signing with bank in jepardy, please. I will appreciate if you would procced to the western union where you carried out the transaction two days ago so that this will immediately be resolved. We are in jepardy on this transaction beacuse of delay. Please hurry and advice us.

On the morning of the 18th, I hurry undt advice them:

I go back das Vestern Union undt discuzz das problem mitte dem. They show me on das system dat das funds vere viredt, undt picked up. Vhen I toldt them vhat you vired me -- dat at your end, Vestern Union say "no transaction exist" -- das agent gave me zynical look undt zaid "someone there is tryingk to scam you, sir". Zo I must ask: just vhat ist goingk on mitte das bank? Vho ist das agent there entrustedt mitte collectingk das funds? Hast da person's veracity been verifiedt undt confirmed?

Das bottom line, Herr Dankwanker: my Vestern Union here confirms das funds vired UNDT PICKED UP BY SOMEVONE ON YOUR ENDE. I am most annoyedt undt perturbed mitte das findingk, undt I vish now to know vhat you vill do about it.

I think the triad of Hassan, Dankwanker and Eze are starting to suspect someone spiked the punch, but they aren't willing to come right out and accuse me just yet:

It is a suprise for us to receive you recent mail because your representative who is well known acrredited attorney have called us yesterday to inform us that he will be in the bank today to sighn the final fund release order on your behalf. We have our receiving agents here in the bacnk but since you couldn't said tha tyou be able to appear in the person you notified us that your attorney will stand for you, it iwll not be wise for us to go ahead an introduce our officer here until it is that we have found who picked up your money here for the attornye that is now not found (I think I understand this drivel). We have not have this kind of problem before but the only thing that is we will see if information of who pick up money. We usually have case of money not get into Nigeria and we want to believe the issue agent in your country is sincere. That is another factor that we should determine because we are not used to this kind of thing before this now.

Ooooookay. So here's my reply to...that:

Vhatever dat you say ist dat, ze fact remainz undt ist not in dispute dat mine Vestern Union clearly establishedt undt demonstrated dat das money vas zent undt receivedt by zomevun on dat end of das transaction. Vhile I do not dispute your explanation, let alone fathom das gibberish, I am most disturbted undt gronifiedt mitte distress by das turn of events undt schtuff. I vill vait to learn vhat ist to be done next, Herr Hassan.

A couple days pass, and I get this from Herr Dankwanker:

I am still trying to figure out what is going on concerning the money that you sent. I have told the lawyer to find out what really happened and still insist that the error is from agents over there. However, he said that to resolve this matter that you should tell those western union officials from where you sent the US$3500 the information of the center where the fund was picked up. With this information the attorney will go after the fund. You should not bother yourself once both ofus are working based on sincerity of purpose. I have developed interest on you and will will realise this transaction together no matter difficulties now. Please to maintain your confidentiality in this project and we will not stop now.

So while he keeps insinuating the problem is here, I'll keep suggestingk it ist uddervise:

Ast I have just emailedt your friend Herr Hassan Chop, I am zatisfied mitte explanation undt investigative results obtained by das officials at das Vestern Union here in Vaduz. Undt they are clear and definitive dat das money vas receivedt undt picked up by zomevon at das Lagos, Nigeria location. Some obvious dumkopf undt hundsfott verboten mitte full of das schiessen undt schtuff, meinen Herr. I stand ready undt able, Herr Dankwanker, to proceed mitte your gibts me das business ast heretofore; ve zimply needt to take a new tact mitte care undt promptitude.

As yet, the scales have not yet fallen from the eyes of Herr Dankwanker, strangely enough:

My friend Phulovit, it is still a puzzle to me, this explanation of yours. I have discussed with my associates what is next, and some of them have to me doubted your sincerity. One says that your emails suggest you jest us, and that things in your backdrop dont make sense when read with care. I of course still believe good business can be done with you, but sincerity is necessary to proceed with this project. I ask of you to proceed with us sincerely as we put back together our efforts to achieve mutual success. Please assure me of your intentions.

I think someone's onto me there; but let's take one last shot at extending this out a tad:

You express in me distrust undt apprehension, Herr Dankwanker? Vho amongst your noted associates ist mitte doubt about mine var recordt or mine zincerity? I vill zlap das taste from das mouth of zuch a sprechen dumkopf! Undt you let das calumnies undt mischtatements to color undt underminen das confidence mitte me now? I find das mozt chillingk undt disappointingk to our vorking relaztionship, Herr Dankwanker.

I vill expect an apologize mitte next email, sir.

Danged if that isn't just what I get, along with a prod to make a new payment via Moneygram:

Let us not have fall out now we are brothers in this endeavour to achieve our mutual good ends. I mean no things unkind to you. Please so that we can still make good our business, endeavour you send the funds now through Moneygram, since this puzzled experience with Western Union. If you will do this I will make up on you, this you have my word my brother. But please hurry as time is not on our side with the bank.

A paragraph more full of schiesse is not to be founden undt schmelledt. But what the heckenseepoo: the difference between a faked Vestern Union undt a faked Moneygram is two digits in the reference number. Zo:

I azzept your apology undt brudderhoodt of das hundsfott, and thus I tell you dat I have dispatched das whole amount mitte Moneygram. Das reference number ist 43770169. Az before, ist zent to das bannister John Eze. I vill avait your confirmation undt verification.

And he is duly appreciative...for now:

I have recieved your mail and to be frank i surprised you were so accepting to do this considering the last time. It tell me you are there to work with me as brothers and we don't need division of any kind (gag me). I will get this to attorney so we can be celebrating tomorrow for our hard work and mutual trust. I thank you sincerely my brother.

I didn't expect that to last very long. It didn't, as this reply from Hassan exemplifies:

PHULOVIT, WE TAKE YOUR INFORMATION SERIOUS AND IT MAKE US LOOK STUPID AT MONEYGRAM! DON'T EVER SEND ANYTHING TO US BECAUSE WE HAVE MONITORED THE EVEN CONCERNING YOU AND DISCOVER THAT YOU ARE A CROOK. YOU CAN GO TO HELL WASTE OUR TIME.

And his point was...? At any rate, time to put "paid" to this bill of dysrighteous indignation:

Herrs Hassan-chop and Dankwanker,

Me? A crook? Nahh. I ain't heavy...I'm your brother. You said so. So are you now saying it AIN'T so? Am I now heavy? Have you undone that which was done in your own words some emails back? If your aunt had a moustache, would she be your uncle?. Oh, dangensee, my Deutchen accent up undt schlippened. As glockenspiel undt flieger schiesse*, I vould be duckingk iffen I vas du, fer vhen das flieger schiesse hits das fan midde plop undt spray, it ist all overen das placen, ja.

I vill avait your latest apology undt schtuff, 'cuzen I know dis is vhat you do best. I might even azzept it.

U. R.

I regret to inform you that after this email, the triad discontinued communications with Herr Phulovit. Awpeterstain!

* means "flying sh**" in German, or zo I'm toldt...

Vhat Das Fokk -- II

This day begins with good news from Herr Dankwanker, that has nothing to do with Geico:


Congratulations my brother! The Federal Ministry of Finance has finally issued the approval of the fund in your name through the help of the lawyer paid to carryout this transaction for us (embodied, I take it, in the document to the right; my obvious enthusiasm over it can be accurately assessed also off to the right). The attached copy has been forwarded to the Central Bank of Nigeria to effect the transfer into your accountant as indicated in the document. Please, take note at this stage of the transaction I will like you to be careful becuase the bank will contact you as the beneficiary of te fund, once you hear from them do not hasitate to respond because every process has been perfected and we are not ready to lose as I have invested a lot of money in making sure the approval was issued in your name. I would like you to know the lawyer was paid from my little income $3750 to acquire this approval and in total I have spent over $10,000 in this process. Please do not let me down at this time, remember I am trusting you because we share the same profession (we do? He's a scambaiter too?). I also ask again for your international passport photo be sent soonest. I pray that God guide us as I wait to hear from you.

I really hope God has a sense of humor over that 'un.

Minen reply:

I hope you rezeive mine passport via das alternate email address I use at vork, vhere I keep mine passport. I rarely travel mitte mine advanced age undt schtuff, unless it's vork-relatedt. I understand undt vill maintain confidentiality mitte das business offer. Pleaze keep to use das address here fer confidential undt secure communications mitte me. I vill avait vord from das bank undt let you now vhen they have contactedt me.

The next day, I get this:

I have just received a good news from the hired attorney who was back from the bank today to monitor the progress on your behalf. He told me that the bank is on the processing the transfer of your fund and they requested that I should tender your fax number and in this regard you should kindly send me your personal fax number. I wait to hear from you soon.

This should prove easy to derail:

Ze only fax number I have ist at das vork place, undt you did specify das confidentiality undt strict zecrecy mitte das deal. So it vould not be gudt to send das papers there. I vould recommend dat das papers be zent as attachments to dis email address, vhere I am assuredt dat only I vill receive undt zee them. Pleaze note dis fer das bank undt das bannister you have retainedt fer das business.

Now enter Herr Dankwanker's odious colleague, Dr. Hassan Mohammed, Director of the International Remittance Department, Central Bank of Nigeria:

Attention: U. R. Phulovit

This is to notify you that we have keyed your payment. This honorable financial institution has processed your fund valued at US $8.5Million (huh? Thought it was for a measly $500,000!??) ready for transfer into your nominated account. We now direct you to make payment for processing fees with expedience so that we may discharge our payment obligation. Your prompt compliance will ensure a happy banking relationship now and always.

Remit: $3,500 USD Remit to: Mrs Mary Smith London, United Kingdom Remit by: Western Union Yours faithfully, Dr. Hassan Mohammed

And not only is my fund suddenly $ 8 million larger; in reading the attached document (next installment), I -- or my "designated legal representative" -- are required to make a personal visit to Nigeria to conclude this business. Funny how that wasn't noted in the email communique. Eh...I'd hate to waste the role of Herr Dankwanker's/Hassan's "bannister" as my nominated legal representative there (as I'm sure he will be, once we establish the impracticality of my travelling there at my advanced age undt infirmities), so I give them the 'out' to introduce him into the equation:

Herr Hassan Chop,

If I am readingk das correctly, you require an appearance by minenself undt my attorney? Das ist not convenient fer me at dis time, Mein Herr. If you vish merely fer das payment of fees, I can vire the necezzitated funds mitte either Vestern Union or das Money Gram. If a legal reprezentative ist requiredt, pleaze feel free to retain one fer das purpose who iz prezent undt available there.

That draws this accepting reply from Herr Dankwanker:

I will want to acknowledged the receipt of your message and to confirm that i am glad our laywer has prefected the project on your behalf. I have gone through the letter from the bank and i will want you to write and request from them to allow your attorney represent you in the signing as is request by them because i will want us to finish this transaction before ending of the coming week. You should appeal to them that because of visa problem you cannot be able to appear in the bank in time. Please, i will want you to act fast so that the bank will transfer the fund to your account. I am waiting for your soonest respond.

I vill be urgent undt schtuff:

Very vell, I vill contact das bank undt reqvest das bannister of your choice as mine representative undt schtuff.

Thus, I sent off to das bank:

Herr Hassan Chop,

Due to das visa problems undt mitte master cardt, I am reqvestingk dat das bank allow me to be locally representifed by das Honorable John Eze, bannister at law, as mine legal representative fer das formal making of claim on das inheritance in qvestion. Notify me mitte dispatch vhen das decision ist renderedt.

Next Up, the thrilling (?!) conclusion of: Vhat Das Fokk III?

Vhat Das Fokk -- I

* Blogger's note: this is a three-part scambait from 2007, wherein I employ a ridiculous writing voice, and the scammers actually bought into it. Ya gotta love it*

"Who iz dis man, and vhat is he doing here?"

For you TV trivia buffs, you know both the quote and the man: the late Howard Caine as Gestapo Major Wolfgang Hochstetter, in a comedic genius recurring role on Hogan's Heroes (1967-1971).

Now, as to why he is here: after moving the scambaiting U. R. Phulovit around some -- to Houston, TX, San Francisco, CA, and even a brief stint in Denver, CO -- it was time to move good ol' U. R. back to wherefrom he got his illustrious start in scambaiting. And that would be the pleasant, postage-stamp-sized country of Liechtenstein, and the capital city of Vaduz. Where the national language is largely Deutche-oriented.

Not that good ol' U. R. sprechens more than a smidgen of Deutche with any degree of clarity; but his Germanized English ist vhat one might schay ist das sucky undt badt. Worse yet: he writes his emails das vay, too.

And so it begins, with an email from "Dr." Ibrahim Dankwanbo, an employee and pseudo "official" in the Federal Ministry of Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria, to the no-longer extant Dr. Aph Lack (one of my former guises). The gist of it is simply this:

ALL FOREIGN INHERITANCE INTEREST PAYMENT PROGRAMMED WITH ATM CARD ON YOUR FAVOR

This is to inform you that we have received from the Financial Appropriation Committee of the Presidency Federal Republic of Nigeria some information of inheritance payments of which your name and information are included for payment of US $500,000 which will be paid to you through SWIFT CARD or ATM CARD. A form will be forwarded to you for you to fill out and return back immediately. This done your account will be activated and the copy of the ATM card will be sent to you for confirmation. If you are interested, you contact me immediately you receive this email. Waiting for your immediate reply.

Okay, so it's addressed to a 'dead' character. That hasn't stopped me from responding before; and unless I miss my guess, it won't stop this Dr. Dankwanker from following up. Thus, Herr Phulovit responds, in his most flatulent faux sprechen:

Herr Dr. Dankwanker,

Vhat ist das meaningk of dis? Herr Dr. Aph Lack -- mine former associate undt comrade in arms -- ist todt, undt has been zo zince 2003. A proudt veteran of das Great Var, he served mitte distinction undt honor in my tank korps. May he rest in peaze.

Ast you may read here undt grasp, I too am a var veteran, from my dayz in das Wehrmacht, 21st Panzer Division, vhen ve overrun undt conquered Iceland. It iz goodt. Zo, vhat you write to mine dead comrade abouten, Herr Dankwanker? Undt vhat may I do fer you?

U. R. Phulovit

It takes a couple days, but apparently Herr Dankwanker is able to adjust his script accordingly:

Dear U. R. Phulovit,

I thank you for the sad final news of Dr. Lack, but I am happy for your urgent response to my message and I am happy that your a vetran which means you can hanlde confidential projects such that will be trusted in you. All I require for more details to be given to you to secured this fund in your care is as follows:

1. Your full contact address

2. Telephone and fax numbers to enable us to discuss

3. Finally your banking details

I will be looking forward to hear from you to build a solid relationship.

Okay...he doesn't care that I've changed his last name; he doesn't care that I'm not Dr. Lack; he doesn't have the remotest grasp of military history; and he doesn't care my emails are atrociously written. Game on:

I vill be happy to provide you mitte dat vich you asken fer. However, I must pointen out das telephonen sprechen undt chat ist not pozzible mitte you; due to mine military service -- I vuz a tank gunner and later commander of das Mark VI Tiger tank -- mine hearing ist kaput. I can communicate in perzon undt on das computen machinen, but not over das phonen. Pleaze bear das in minden, bitte.

Mine contact addressen: Furst Franz Josef str 69, PO Box 684, 9490 Vaduz, LiechtensteinReceivingk bank details: Bundesnatchen Bank Undt Savingks

Berg str 121, PO Box 691, 9490 Vaduz

Account: (some 12 digit number I just throwd out there)

Account Name: Phulovit, U. R.

Of course, das prinziple of zecrezy undt confidentiality ist vell ingrainedt from my military zervice, Herr Dankwanker. I vill not dizzapoint.

Beats me how he's reading this schiesse*, but his reply suggests he's understanding it well enough:

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail and to notify you that the information's you supplied were duly received. I am more confident now working with you and i also noted your comment regarding communication by call because of your military nature and the effect of the heavy equipments on hearing. I have informed the necessary agencies of your special needs.

My good friend, I hope your doing fine. This is to notify you that the attorney which I engaged has been following your project because he submitted an affidavit of trust in your name to the relevant agencies processing your documents. I will get you informed as we progresses and I will also want you to be more determined in this transaction so that we will not west time in compling with the payments directives so to enable the fund hit your accoutn within the shortest time possible (he doesn't waste time on a proof-reader, either). I hope to hear from you soonest.

And a few hours later, he does indeed:

At dis stage, ze ball iz in your zack, undt I vill avait your dispozitions in accordance mitte ze plan you have evolvedt herein fer das proceedingks to taken placen mitte dispatch. Vunce you have instructedk me mitte my rezponzibilities, I vill undertaken das role mitte expedience undt haste.

Then, there falls a five day lapse of any further communications from Herr Dankwanker. Perhaps he's on to my hokey accent? Or he's taken a quick history lesson? Or he's verified that there's no such Bundesnatchen Bank in existence? So I send an email tweak to find out:

Herr Dankwanker,

I no hearensee from you fer das past five days. Are ve schtill on or vhat? Pleaze advise mitte dispatch.

After another couple of days pass, I finally get this:

Thanks for your commitment which your recent message depicts. I will like you to note that everything is going on fine and i have received assurance from the lawyer that probably before ending of today he will procure the payment approval on your behalf from the Federal Ministry of Finance. I have invested a lot of money to secure this approval, i willnot want you to delay once you receive payment instructions from the bank. I will want you to tell me the kind of account you have and also to let me know how effective you have been operating the account,because i will not want my fund to have problem with your authority once the fund is being transfer. And i will want you to send me your international passport copy photograph on receipt of this mail.

A few hours pass, and I reply:

I vuz beginningk to thing zat you vere not zerious about das business you vish to gibts me. I am gladt by das reply dat you have not proven das true. I vill avait your instructions regardingk das bank. Vhen you need it, I vill zend you mine passport from my zecondary email address; I have it schtoredt on mine business computen machinen.

Which I quickly do, after establishing a zecondary email account fer das purpose of zending das passport, which he never questions. I do like cooperation whilst faking my own, don't you?

Next up, congratulations and a document, along with new players undt vorse zyntax undt schtuff.

* the German word for sh**, so zo I undeschtandt it to be...