Bad Skunk New Year

It was suggested that perhaps it was time for yours truly -- da curmudgeon-in-training Skunkmeister -- to select a resolution for the new year, one that I'd actually make an effort to keep.

Like, try bein' nicer to my fellow man.

So, with an email I received in the waning days of '10, I thought I might just try it out. A kinder, gentler, less-likely-to-wig-out Skunkmeister.

First, the email (not the whole thang, just enough to give y'all an ideer h'yar):

Dear Valued Cusomer,

I am Mr. Tony Duke from Western Union, On behalf of the International Monetary Fund/United Nations/ECOWAS, I conce again try to notify you as my earlier letter was returned undelivered (ya dumb ass, quit tryin' to send me liver in the mail, and mebbe I'd keep it....oops...*pose of peace and an elongated Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*). I hereby attempt to reach you again by this same email address been the beneficary today (so it didn't work the first time, try try again 'til it doesn't work the 100th time...what a bu...oops again...*Ahmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm*). If you receive this email, we are writing to inform you that we have been gived the mandat to transfer your full consipation (the *Ahmmmmm* just about bent at the syntax...dang, this resolution sh** is hard work) payment of $100,000USD via Western Union by the International Monetary Fund with United Nation and ECOWAS.

You get the idea.

It goes on to tell me that I may go to Western Union, right this mo', and pick up my first daily installment -- yes, that's daily -- of $5,000. Each day, every day, until I have received my authorized $100,000USD.

So, lessee how I dun with my first test of my new 2011 resolution to be a kinder, gentler, more trusting Skunk:

'Eyyyy, Dukey, wazzzzzzzzzz up? Long time no badda bing wid yo' sistah, Dukey, y'know whadda mean heah? I went to those mugs at Westin Onion, an' ah sez to dem mugs, ah sez, "see this h'yah email message heah? It sez youse got some scratch o' mine heah! So make widda dough!" An' da mug at Westin Onion, he sez...really, he sez "make widda passwoid 'er fuggedaboudit!". An' ah gits all pissed, y'see, 'cuz youse didn' make widda passwoid heah! Soo, wazzzzzzz up widda passwoid heah?

So much for that resolution. Especially since they replied...even to that:

Dear Valued Cusomer, we are emailing you sequal to your mail, i want you to know that we are not try to offend you anywhere but only to make that you follow the normal process in get your inheretant process through our office as you must now that this is a western union agents and also a government INC company.

It goes on for several more paragiraffes of semi-coherent drivel, then lets me know that in order to collect my first $5,000 daily allotment, I must pay a handling fee to Western Union of $100.

The price of getting fleeced is coming down almost as fast as the dollar.

And, of course, I'm supposed to send this $100 via -- who'd a thunk it -- Western Union. To Justice Obaze, located in sunny -- again, who'd a thunk it -- Lagos, Nigeria.

My 2011 resolution is soooooooo dead:

WT new year F???? Youse sez...and youse DID sez, 'cuz ah read it h'yah...youse sez ah needs ta PAY to RECEIVE dis badda boom Westin Onion? Ta tawlk like dem youngstas widda text massagin' gig, "R U Fing kiddin' me h'yah"? Lay some bad 'splanation on me one each one time, Rastus. I ain't ta follerin' y'all.

This doesn't end the communication, but it does bring to a halt the long-winded replies. Proof that I can derail a resolution in a simple email exchange, is as conclusive as the follerin':

who is rastus? is what you not understand here you follow what we say you get money. why hard of you to do?

'Eyyyy, finoke, youse not gettin' th' basic gist of da ting heah, eh? Lemme spell da ting out heah for youse: Westin Onion is da place where da mugs eddah gives youse da moola, or da mugs what charges youse ta send it, hokay dokay finoke? Youse gettin' what ah'm layin' here on youse okay? Youse pay ta send ta me heah; ah don' pay to receive from youse heah. Dats da fact, Jack. So....wazzzzz wid youse lil' Benjamin gig heah?

do you writ english pleese you are not understanded to us how you write pleese to do as you is been told to and all is in your favour now. no more delay is good for your business ok.

'Eyyyyy, wazzzzamatta wid da way ah enunciate mahsef heah, eh? Wazz youse gots agin' da way ah types heah? Youse prejudgeiced? Y' wanna make widda throw down heah? C'mawn, finoke...eddah make widda passwoid what makes widda dough, or don' be prevokin' me h'yah, y'know whadda mean?

i can not read what you say do you have someone there who can tranlate? we wast time for you not writ in english now

Ewot...bloody cheeky of you bloomin' wankers, talkin' crikey to me associate th' bloomin' way ye are. Blimey, e's likely to do a knot an' make a whacking great boomsedaisy ootta ya now!

is this a game you think funy to play on me? you loose out on money you not stop this game and do as i say you do.

Micshiessen? Da, hundsfott, schtuffen das sprechen schiessen uppen your glockenspiel midde shove undt pushen! Geshiessen ist das vhat du ist fullensee, ja! Awpeterstain!

you are not serous to me so this is not deal for you at longer to be. no more you comunicate with me now.

'Eyyyy...who the f*** cares? If ah send youse a billyun emails, phfffffffft, fuggetaboudit, youse gonna keep h'yarin' from this heah mug, youse gettin' da picture heah?

And he is, too. Startin' with three days into da new yeah heah, and I'm forwardin' to him every spam email I get. And through one email account, that's a dozen on average per day.

Shot that resolution all to heckydarnpoo.

Eh...resolutions are overrated ;-)