Monday, May 27, 2013

Susan Loans...And Moans

Yes, this much here can be YOURS, for ONLY 3% interest for the life of the loan!

It is to laugh.

I will give this scammer credit:  since first contacting me -- now on three different email addresses -- 'she' has created a sorta-kinda-eh, mebbe- credible web site for her scam loan company.

Of course, you know it HAS to be a scam loan company; it's based in....*drum roll*.......Nigeria.

The company is Susan Loan Services.  Or at least, that's what a fly-infested internet cafe in Nigeria is calling itself.

Their email starts out simple, like so many other online loan scams:  Do you need a loan to pay off your debt or start a business?loan offer at 3% interest rate,contact us if you are interested in a loan.

And that's all there is to it:  you hit 'reply' and inquire.  And her next email lays it out for you:

Dear Applicant, 
 Thank you for selecting us in meeting your financial requirements.We are a registered private lender, we give out loans to various people all over the world. We give out Agricultural Loan, Auto Loans,Student Loan, Mortgage Loan, Personal Loan, Business Loan, Home equity Loan, Debt Consolidation Loan and other good reason, we also give out loans from the range of 1,000 – 10,000,000 (Dollars, Euros or Pounds) at 3% interest rate. Duration of 1- 30 years depending on the amount you need as loan.

The Borrower must be above 20 years of age.
The Loan can be granted even with low credit
There is no pre-payment penalty.
You do not need a Co-signer

Full Name:
Next of kin (Name in Full):
Mobile or Cellular:
Monthly Income:
Home Address:
Loan Amount:
Loan Duration:
Purpose of loan:
The above data information must be filled accordingly and submitted to us for proper processing of your loan request.
Thanks And God Bless
 Mr. Roland Gabriel.

So naturally I filled out the application...once as Ben Dover, and once as U. R. Phulovit (since I received the same offer across three different email addresses).  From the third one I'm preparing an 'edit' that I am sure will please Susan Loan Service so much, she'll include it on her website 'Testimonial' page.

Not  ;-)

And of course, once the application is 'accepted' -- Susan Loan Services accepts 100% of applicants LOL -- 'she' follows up with an email, requesting a modest fee for processing.  For U. R. Phulovit -- who requested $35,000 to fix his pet gerbil's platypus feet (yes, they do ask what the purpose of the loan is for, but apparently don't care) -- the processing fee is a modest $200, to be Western Unioned ASAP to:

NAME:Susan Lee

But Susan and her scam buddies got confused, 'cuz as you'll see in the upcoming exchanges, another name and location for the Western Union emails will surface.

An online lending service in Nigeria has me pay the $200 fee to a 'woman' in Rome, Italy?  Ya gotta love this scammer.  Granted, 'she' - 'they' - 'whomever' can say to send it ANYWHERE.  'Cuz if it's really sent, a Western Union MTCN is all that's needed to collect it, anywhere Western Union is.

So, U. R. Phulovit is now doing the "it'll be wired early next week" routine, while my other playing character -- Ben Dover -- just sent in his application.  Which I am sure will be accepted, because Ben's need for $350,000 is much more plausible than a mere "gerbil foot exchange".

Ben needs $350,000 to open up a piranha genital rebushing clinic.  Really.  Better still: whoever 'reviews' the applications and reasons for the loans, apparently doesn't care about any of it, other than that someone replied.

Rather than try to keep you up with the email salvos between the scammer and both of my characters, we'll now just focus on the key emails between Ben Dover and 'Susan Loans', or whomsoever it is I'm bantering with.  What you'll see now are several days' worth of exchanges, as they went back and forth.  Enjoy:

In regards to your mail note that you are to send to us a valid copy of your identification card or send to us the details on the card as stated below,also provide to us details of your account where you want the loan funds to be transferred to.   Regarding your selected option which is bank-to-bank wire transfer note that the charges on it which is the cost of insurance and transfer fee of $200 should be sent to us via Western Union with the details of our accountant in charge of payment with his information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)
Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.
Country: Nigeria
Text Question to use: TO
Text Answer to use:  US
Amount to send: $200

(see what I mean about where to send and to whom?)

There will be a one day delay in my sending the $200 fee; I had an unexpected expense this weekend, but I get paid at work tomorrow, and will have no problem wiring the fee on Tuesday, May 14.  And I see I have new wiring instructions and a different person to send to.  Eh...long as it gets where it needs to.

 In regards to your mail note that we shall be waiting on your payment of the $200 tomorrow and in this main time kindly get back to us with your identification card or the information on it and also your banking information (Provide the information below).

Account Holder Name:     Ben Dover
Bank Name:                     Westminster Bank PLC
Account Number:              **********
Swift Code/ Routing Number:   *********

Identity card Number:   **-***-****
Type of Identity card:    DL
Name in the Identity card:  Ben Dover
Issue date and expiry date:   2-09/2-14
D.O.B:    2-29-76
Residential Address:   *** ********* St  Central City CO 80427

Waiting for the above information today and the payment tomorrow so that everything can be completed.

I will wire the funds tomorrow without fail.

Good morning to you,this is to inform you that we will be expecting the payment information from you today and also which to inform you that your identification and banking information have been received, In regards to the payment of the $200 note that you are to use the details of our accountant in charge of payment and effect the payment to us using Western Union with the information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)
Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.
Country: Nigeria
Text Question to use: TO
Text Answer to use:  US
Amount to send: $200

I will be running errands this morning and picking up my pay from my employer at 11am my time; after that, I will go to Western Union and attend to this.  I'll email you confirmation afteward.

Hope all is well, Why the delay in the payment? We have been waiting for the payment as promised because you said from 11am you will be sending the payment and now i believe it's about 3pm there and we haven't gotten a mail from you in regards to the payment, Please get back to us about this now if you have sent the payment or not and if yes get back to us with the payment receipt and information of the payment receipt.

I am most apologetic for the delay.  Yes, the $200 was wired at noon my time from Western Union, to the person and location you instructed.   I thank you again for the loan.

Thanks for the mail, If the payment have been made kindly please send to us the below information and the payment receipt.

You have all this information, since I copied verbatim what you asked me to use.  Please refer back to your instruction email prior to my making the payment.

 If you said you have sent the payment as instructed kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Get back to us with the below information to confirm that you have sent the payment so that we can proceed.

Ma'am, I used the information you asked for, and sent it to that information as instructed.

Please kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Oh...there are 10 numbers.  Which one does he need?

Yes send to me the MTCN which is the 10 number, Send the 10 numbers to us now. the complete 10 numbers.

Fine.  The complete 10 numbers together total 79 (not really, but no one said I hadda be able to add for scammers).

Send to us the MTCN which is 10 digit only. It's 10 numbers and not 79... Why telling me nonsense? Please send to me the receipt of your payment if you have made the payment really.

What nonsense?  You asked me for the ten numbers together.  They equal 79!  I added them up!  Now, if you want me to send you the receipt, I will need your regular, not email address...I'll have to send it to you overseas air mail, because my scanner is not working right.  If I try to scan it to you, I don't know that you can read it.
Is overseas airmail okay?

Send to us the number which is written as the MTCN(Money Transfer Control Number) it's just 10 digit only and want you to send it to us via email, we do not accept payment of the insurance/transfer fees receipt sent to us via airmail because it's the receipt of payment.

Send to us the 10 digit you see near where it's written MTCN.

Hell, why didn't you say so?  It's 0995487893.  Is that all you need?

This MTCN you sent to us is not valid, Please track on your payment yourself on the Western Union site

That's impossible, Susan.  I read you the actual 10 numbers right off the receipt.

Okay, Send to us the country you sent it to and the sender's name used as also show on the reciept of payment.

I just sent that to you.  Your accountant in Nigeria.

What's the sender's name used? For God sake you are sending me wrong information, Send to me the sender's name used to send the $200.

The sender's name?  What the f**k...that's ME!!!  I'm the sender!  You know...Ben Dover?  I'm the sender!  And my country is the USA.  America?

Send to us the payment receipt and check correctly if the MTCN you sent is correct because the one you gave me is not correct.

This is so unreal.  I, myself...went to Western Union. you $200. the receipt.  My Western Union number-generating phone app itself gave me the number.  So I am at a loss here.  The money is there.  Just as you instructed it to be.  I should have sent it to the Marx Brothers (ettu, Indiana Jones?). 

Give to me your phone number now let me call you now. number is ***-***-**** (which is my actual voice mail, currently with me imitating a sorta chinese).

I am calling it's on voicemail, Pick up the calls now. 

Voicemail?  I am sitting here and my phone hasn't rung yet.  Try again.

It's still on voicemail, You give me a call now. +234 805-379-1036. 

Well if its on voicemail, then leave me a message and I'll get back to you.  Isn't that how voicemail works?  Dang, do I have to think of everything here? 

Ogun kill me, Send me the correct MTCN now. 

I can't call you overseas from this number; I had to put an overseas block on it, because my pet rock ran up $750 in calls to Liechtenstein last December.   Who is ogun?  (Seymour insisted in getting in on this in a cameo role).

Ogun kill you, Send me the correct MTCN now.  

Ogun kill me?  What'd I do?  And back to my first question...who the f**k is Ogun?  

Man send me the correct information, I have other things to do, If you are in need of this loan seriously send to me a copy of the payment receipt by snapping it with your phone 

(he doesn't know I'm about the only person left in the world without a cell phone...)

This makes no sense!  I snapped it with my phone and it only krinkled the paper.  What did that accomplish?
And who the f**k is Ogun?

Send me the correct MTCN now 

I did!  And who the f**k is Ogun?

At this point, I think the dude is totally unstrung, 'cuz what he/she/it writes next looks like a scammer completely off their scam template:

Guy i need box i need box to take bomb o, Which box u dey use, make we forget this matter make we talk work 

Now you speak to me in ooga booga riddles?  Ogun want to kill me by bomb my box?  Who the f**k is Ogun?

Stop play with us, If you made payment please send us the correct information. If not forget it

I swear, Susie, you run a most disorganized loan service.  You can't pick up a simple Western Union, you have people who can't type or spell, and who want Ogun to kill them and me -- who the f**k is Ogun -- they want me to snap a receipt with a phone, crinkling the paper, and they want to bomb my box, and I don't even know what box they're talking about?  I sent you the accurate information.  Is this what it's like getting a loan from Chicago?

Send us the information on the payment receipt please

So I relent...and send them a copy of a Western Union so fuzzied up that Superman couldn't read it:

I warned you that my scanner wasn't working very well.  Since snapping the receipt with my phone only crinkled it, here's the receipt scanned.  I hope you have better eyes than I do

There is no way we can view this receipt you sent, Please give to us the MTCN number on the receipt only.. Give it to us now 

Jesus H and Mary Josephine Francis Beulah Bondage Billy Bob Christ, how many times do I have to give you the same number?  And who the f**k is Ogun?

This is wrong man, this wrong wrong wrong man.   You did not send the fee if not you would have given us the correct information. The MTCN you gave to us is not correct.  you are asshol Mr. Ben.

NO, it isn't wrong, man.  It is the correct mtcn.  At least once it was.  And who the f**k is Ogun? 
Can I have my loan now?

Needless to say, I never got the loan...they never got the $200 I never sent.  And we still don't know who the f**k Ogun was.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe for $200, if you can afford, it would be interesting to pursue it further.

I would be curious if they go through this much work for $200?

08 August, 2013 16:36  
Blogger Andrew Green said...

Anonymous: yes, they would. Think about the exchange rate of the West African franc vs the US dollar. To them, $200 is huge. I have never sent the scammers a pfenning.

08 August, 2013 20:28  

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