COVID or COVIDN'T

Yup.  Scammers have latched onto the COVID-19 scare like dems and cnn have in the USA.

And like the dems and cnn, the scammers want to milk it for anything they can.

Here's how:

Why are suffering your self spending unnecessary money. Whereby I am here to complete your delivery without any charge. I believe you are spending more money for nothing, looking for a way to recover your fund, Listen, you have an easy way of receiving your fund via an immediate EXPRESS cash delivery or by ATM Card delivery. Get back to me for more details, so that we can allow you have access to your one million dollars compensation payment via an ATM Credit Card or by bank to bank wire transfer.

Remember, The FBI Director Christopher Asher Wray / Homeland Security including the United Nations have agreed and signed for your immediate compensation of One million dollars via your Bank account or via ATM CREDIT Card, With the help of Euro Clear Barclays Bond  release order. So rejoice your compensation is more than 100% Guaranteed.

Make sure you reconfirm your current delivery address and full receiving details including your phone number. 

Please forward all information to Dr Benjamin for your immediate release of your One million dollars compensation and please Stay Safe From COVID-19...

Kindly contact: Benjamin Rivera 

Phone:  +1424-260-6667

Email: unitednationsfundsdelivery@yahoo.com

Sincerely

Mr Collins S.  

Yes, that's what the "United Nation" wrote to my character.  A doctor's prescription scrawl is almost easier to read.

That was until I had my 'editing gone wild' pet rock Seymour, take a turn at a little creative editing of it:

From: Director Benjamin <collinssmith637@gmail.com>

Sent: Sunday, April 26, 2020 8:02 AM
Subject: EUNUCHED NATIONS COVID-19 and a third FINALE IN E-FLAT NOTICE

Hello And Welcome To Another Edition of Who Wants To Be Screwed Blued and Tattoo'd

Why are suffering your self spending unnecessary money.  Why do I sound like Joe Bidumb?  Or Yoda on meth?  Whereby I am here to complete you without any charge. I believe you are spending more money for nothing, buying solar-powered dildos with no solenoids and bicarbonates of buttcoins, when all you really need is a medical enerma and some surgical procedures guaranteed to make you look like nothing you ever looked like before or since.  

Listen, you have an easy way of receiving surgicality via an immediate EXPRESS virtual online procedure called clusterf**kintality online via WIFI and it can be yours for very little cash delivery. Get back to me for more details, retails or cattails so that we can allow you have access to cornudopia of cures that fix almost nothing but make you a hit with the LBQTRSWMZ crowd.

Remember, The FBI Director Christopher Asher Wray has recently been for sale as an inflatable sex toy with a matching squeaking, leaking and cackling Hellary Clinton model sure to make anyone's gag reflex projectile purge at ranges up to 30 feet.

Our Eunuched Nations have agreed and signed off on your receiving one, both or many potentially miasmic other life-sized inflatables, from maligNANCY to Lieawatha to Willie Brown's hosebeast!  

And in the event the current viral fraud sneaks up and attempts to waylay your Tallywhacker, we has a surgical staph and strep of fifth-rate medicinals make you one for a future episode of The Outer Limits of the DNC.  So rejoice your exposure to the absurd is more than 100% Guaranteed.

Make sure you reconfirm your current delivery address and full receiving details including your phone number.  Better still, pick a neighbor you don't like and send it to them.

Please forward all information to Dr Benjamin for your immediate receipt of something worse than any virus know'd to cnn and ten times as bad as COVID-19...

Kindly contact: Benjamin Rivera 

Phone:  +1424-260-6667

Email: unitednationsfundsdelivery@yahoo.com

Sincerely

Mr Collins S.

Seymour eagerly anticipated a response to his carefully-crafted edit.  Alas, none was forthcoming.  Even after including a duet of Dr. Loveless and Antoinette (aka, Phoebe Dorin).

I warned Seymour against including the scary picture of Whoopi Goldberg...

Editing The UN, One Nigerian At A Time

Calvin 'n Hobbes are a great help here.

To the Nigerians...not so much.

Another email from the *small cap* united nations, again telling my character that he's due compensation for having been scammed.

Granted, it's not like the un isn't busy with other stuff, like trying to get the whole world to buy into AlGore's agw climate fraud.

I can understand them wanting to make a Third World planet out of us, but I digress.

Anyway, the *small cap* united nations wants my character to believe this email:

Attention: Beneficiary,

How are you doing today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for past Seven months which ended Three days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS in the person of Mr. Kofi Anan.

This mail is to all the people that have been scammed or extorted money from because of your contract/inheritance payment execution in any part of the world, People that lost their relative in war in Middle East, in natural disaster victims also people that has spent time in contribution to growth of humanity and less privileged once the UNITED NATIONS with UNICEF have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$500.000.00 this includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract Sum and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international business that failed due to government problems or irregularities etc. We found your name in our list and that is why we Are contacting you, these have been agreed upon and have been signed by the United Nations Board of Directors and Trustees.

You have to contact Mrs. Justina Wataego, our payment agent, as she is our UNITED NATIONS representative Payment Unit, contact her immediately for your Cheque/International Bank Draft/ATM CASH CARD/via Telegraphic wire Transfer of US$500,000.00 these funds are in a Bank

Draft/ATM Card for security purpose. She will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice. Therefore, you should send her your full Names and telephone numbers/your correct mailing addresses where you want her to send the MONEY to you. And tell her your file Reference below (RE-1077_V).

Contact Mrs. Justina Wataego immediately for your

Cashier Cheque/ATM card:

Person to Contact: Name: Mrs. Justina Wataego

Tel: +234-80-72600939

Email: mrsjustina.wataego@yahoo.es  

 

 

Like always, my character was so impressed, he responded with the most thankful of edits:

 

 

Attention: Benneyfisherary,

Wazzup, bleed?  Ah ax you dat hokay? You may not understand why this mail came to you. It come cuz you gotz email.  We gotz email.  You gotz email address.  We gets your email address.  It come.  Hokay you sabe?

We have been having a meeting for past Seven months which ended Three days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS in the person of Mr. Kofi Anan.  The stupid, inefficient f**k takes 7 months to run a meeting.  What a hosedawg dweeb.

This mail is to all the people that have not yet been scammed or extorted money from.  We scamming pieces of sh*t are falling down on the job h'yar, and that's what Coffee Anus took 7 months to 'splain to us.  Yada, yada, yada.  We found your name in our list of peoples ain't what yet got scammed, and we sez to ourselves -- yes we doez, on accounta cuz no one wants have speaks with us since our breath smells like our unwashed asses -- "awww crap!", and that is why we Are contacting you...cuz you don't know that yet.

Now, you have to contact Mrs. Justina Wataego, our online prostitute, as she is our UNITED NATIONS whore representative.  Her genitals are so worn out that when she stands, they sag to her ankles.  So contact her immediately or the army ants are going to get it before you can.  Contact her and she will check her appointment calendar -- carved in a tree outside of Lagos -- and she'll get back to you. Therefore, you should send her your full Names and telephone numbers/your correct mailing addresses.   And tell her to shove her genitals back up inside until you get a whack at them.

Contact Mrs. Justina Wataego immediately for the absolutely WORST sexual experience you'll ever have, unless you let a piranha give you a blow job.  That's conceivably worse.

Person to Contact: Name: Mrs. Justina Wataego

Tel: +234-80-72600939

Email: mrsjustina.wataego@yahoo.es

Hoping to hear from you soonest. Making the world a sucky place online.  That's what we of the un do.  It's about all we do.  Besides sodomize stuffed animals and geese.

Regards,

Dr. Ban My-Moon (cuz it's fat and cottage cheesed).

UN SECRETARY GENERAL

(UNITED NATIONS)  

 

 

I'm sure the *small caps* united nations will not be pleased to find out that their latest effort to give me the business worked as well as the others they've tried for the past 15 years.

 

But it appeared to draw a *smirk* from Calvin 'n Hobbes.