Vhat Das Fokk -- II

This day begins with good news from Herr Dankwanker, that has nothing to do with Geico:


Congratulations my brother! The Federal Ministry of Finance has finally issued the approval of the fund in your name through the help of the lawyer paid to carryout this transaction for us (embodied, I take it, in the document to the right; my obvious enthusiasm over it can be accurately assessed also off to the right). The attached copy has been forwarded to the Central Bank of Nigeria to effect the transfer into your accountant as indicated in the document. Please, take note at this stage of the transaction I will like you to be careful becuase the bank will contact you as the beneficiary of te fund, once you hear from them do not hasitate to respond because every process has been perfected and we are not ready to lose as I have invested a lot of money in making sure the approval was issued in your name. I would like you to know the lawyer was paid from my little income $3750 to acquire this approval and in total I have spent over $10,000 in this process. Please do not let me down at this time, remember I am trusting you because we share the same profession (we do? He's a scambaiter too?). I also ask again for your international passport photo be sent soonest. I pray that God guide us as I wait to hear from you.

I really hope God has a sense of humor over that 'un.

Minen reply:

I hope you rezeive mine passport via das alternate email address I use at vork, vhere I keep mine passport. I rarely travel mitte mine advanced age undt schtuff, unless it's vork-relatedt. I understand undt vill maintain confidentiality mitte das business offer. Pleaze keep to use das address here fer confidential undt secure communications mitte me. I vill avait vord from das bank undt let you now vhen they have contactedt me.

The next day, I get this:

I have just received a good news from the hired attorney who was back from the bank today to monitor the progress on your behalf. He told me that the bank is on the processing the transfer of your fund and they requested that I should tender your fax number and in this regard you should kindly send me your personal fax number. I wait to hear from you soon.

This should prove easy to derail:

Ze only fax number I have ist at das vork place, undt you did specify das confidentiality undt strict zecrecy mitte das deal. So it vould not be gudt to send das papers there. I vould recommend dat das papers be zent as attachments to dis email address, vhere I am assuredt dat only I vill receive undt zee them. Pleaze note dis fer das bank undt das bannister you have retainedt fer das business.

Now enter Herr Dankwanker's odious colleague, Dr. Hassan Mohammed, Director of the International Remittance Department, Central Bank of Nigeria:

Attention: U. R. Phulovit

This is to notify you that we have keyed your payment. This honorable financial institution has processed your fund valued at US $8.5Million (huh? Thought it was for a measly $500,000!??) ready for transfer into your nominated account. We now direct you to make payment for processing fees with expedience so that we may discharge our payment obligation. Your prompt compliance will ensure a happy banking relationship now and always.

Remit: $3,500 USD Remit to: Mrs Mary Smith London, United Kingdom Remit by: Western Union Yours faithfully, Dr. Hassan Mohammed

And not only is my fund suddenly $ 8 million larger; in reading the attached document (next installment), I -- or my "designated legal representative" -- are required to make a personal visit to Nigeria to conclude this business. Funny how that wasn't noted in the email communique. Eh...I'd hate to waste the role of Herr Dankwanker's/Hassan's "bannister" as my nominated legal representative there (as I'm sure he will be, once we establish the impracticality of my travelling there at my advanced age undt infirmities), so I give them the 'out' to introduce him into the equation:

Herr Hassan Chop,

If I am readingk das correctly, you require an appearance by minenself undt my attorney? Das ist not convenient fer me at dis time, Mein Herr. If you vish merely fer das payment of fees, I can vire the necezzitated funds mitte either Vestern Union or das Money Gram. If a legal reprezentative ist requiredt, pleaze feel free to retain one fer das purpose who iz prezent undt available there.

That draws this accepting reply from Herr Dankwanker:

I will want to acknowledged the receipt of your message and to confirm that i am glad our laywer has prefected the project on your behalf. I have gone through the letter from the bank and i will want you to write and request from them to allow your attorney represent you in the signing as is request by them because i will want us to finish this transaction before ending of the coming week. You should appeal to them that because of visa problem you cannot be able to appear in the bank in time. Please, i will want you to act fast so that the bank will transfer the fund to your account. I am waiting for your soonest respond.

I vill be urgent undt schtuff:

Very vell, I vill contact das bank undt reqvest das bannister of your choice as mine representative undt schtuff.

Thus, I sent off to das bank:

Herr Hassan Chop,

Due to das visa problems undt mitte master cardt, I am reqvestingk dat das bank allow me to be locally representifed by das Honorable John Eze, bannister at law, as mine legal representative fer das formal making of claim on das inheritance in qvestion. Notify me mitte dispatch vhen das decision ist renderedt.

Next Up, the thrilling (?!) conclusion of: Vhat Das Fokk III?