Thursday, August 7, 2014

Editing The UN, One Nigerian At A Time

Calvin 'n Hobbes are a great help here.

To the Nigerians...not so much.

Another email from the *small cap* united nations, again telling my character that he's due compensation for having been scammed.

Granted, it's not like the un isn't busy with other stuff, like trying to get the whole world to buy into AlGore's agw climate fraud.

I can understand them wanting to make a Third World planet out of us, but I digress.

Anyway, the *small cap* united nations wants my character to believe this email:


Attention: Beneficiary,
How are you doing today? Hope all is well with you and family? You may not understand why this mail came to you. We have been having a meeting for past Seven months which ended Three days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS in the person of Mr. Kofi Anan.
This mail is to all the people that have been scammed or extorted money from because of your contract/inheritance payment execution in any part of the world, People that lost their relative in war in Middle East, in natural disaster victims also people that has spent time in contribution to growth of humanity and less privileged once the UNITED NATIONS with UNICEF have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$500.000.00 this includes every foreign contractors that may have not received their contract Sum and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international business that failed due to government problems or irregularities etc. We found your name in our list and that is why we Are contacting you, these have been agreed upon and have been signed by the United Nations Board of Directors and Trustees.
You have to contact Mrs. Justina Wataego, our payment agent, as she is our UNITED NATIONS representative Payment Unit, contact her immediately for your Cheque/International Bank Draft/ATM CASH CARD/via Telegraphic wire Transfer of US$500,000.00 these funds are in a Bank
Draft/ATM Card for security purpose. She will send it to you and you can clear it in any bank of your choice. Therefore, you should send her your full Names and telephone numbers/your correct mailing addresses where you want her to send the MONEY to you. And tell her your file Reference below (RE-1077_V).
Contact Mrs. Justina Wataego immediately for your
Cashier Cheque/ATM card:
Person to Contact: Name: Mrs. Justina Wataego
Tel: +234-80-72600939
 
 
Like always, my character was so impressed, he responded with the most thankful of edits:
 
 
Attention: Benneyfisherary,
Wazzup, bleed?  Ah ax you dat hokay? You may not understand why this mail came to you. It come cuz you gotz email.  We gotz email.  You gotz email address.  We gets your email address.  It come.  Hokay you sabe?
We have been having a meeting for past Seven months which ended Three days ago with the former secretary to the UNITED NATIONS in the person of Mr. Kofi Anan.  The stupid, inefficient f**k takes 7 months to run a meeting.  What a hosedawg dweeb.
This mail is to all the people that have not yet been scammed or extorted money from.  We scamming pieces of sh*t are falling down on the job h'yar, and that's what Coffee Anus took 7 months to 'splain to us.  Yada, yada, yada.  We found your name in our list of peoples ain't what yet got scammed, and we sez to ourselves -- yes we doez, on accounta cuz no one wants have speaks with us since our breath smells like our unwashed asses -- "awww crap!", and that is why we Are contacting you...cuz you don't know that yet.
Now, you have to contact Mrs. Justina Wataego, our online prostitute, as she is our UNITED NATIONS whore representative.  Her genitals are so worn out that when she stands, they sag to her ankles.  So contact her immediately or the army ants are going to get it before you can.  Contact her and she will check her appointment calendar -- carved in a tree outside of Lagos -- and she'll get back to you. Therefore, you should send her your full Names and telephone numbers/your correct mailing addresses.   And tell her to shove her genitals back up inside until you get a whack at them.
Contact Mrs. Justina Wataego immediately for the absolutely WORST sexual experience you'll ever have, unless you let a piranha give you a blow job.  That's conceivably worse.
Person to Contact: Name: Mrs. Justina Wataego
Tel: +234-80-72600939
Hoping to hear from you soonest. Making the world a sucky place online.  That's what we of the un do.  It's about all we do.  Besides sodomize stuffed animals and geese.
Regards,
Dr. Ban My-Moon (cuz it's fat and cottage cheesed).
UN SECRETARY GENERAL
(UNITED NATIONS)  
 
 
I'm sure the *small caps* united nations will not be pleased to find out that their latest effort to give me the business worked as well as the others they've tried for the past 15 years.
 
But it appeared to draw a *smirk* from Calvin 'n Hobbes.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Your rewrites crack me up. Such an imagination you have.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. ☺

07 August, 2014 09:47  
Anonymous Debbie said...

"You may not understand ..."

That's funny. I think you understand completely. Nice job.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

08 August, 2014 14:33  

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