Vhat Das Fokk -- I

* Blogger's note: this is a three-part scambait from 2007, wherein I employ a ridiculous writing voice, and the scammers actually bought into it. Ya gotta love it*

"Who iz dis man, and vhat is he doing here?"

For you TV trivia buffs, you know both the quote and the man: the late Howard Caine as Gestapo Major Wolfgang Hochstetter, in a comedic genius recurring role on Hogan's Heroes (1967-1971).

Now, as to why he is here: after moving the scambaiting U. R. Phulovit around some -- to Houston, TX, San Francisco, CA, and even a brief stint in Denver, CO -- it was time to move good ol' U. R. back to wherefrom he got his illustrious start in scambaiting. And that would be the pleasant, postage-stamp-sized country of Liechtenstein, and the capital city of Vaduz. Where the national language is largely Deutche-oriented.

Not that good ol' U. R. sprechens more than a smidgen of Deutche with any degree of clarity; but his Germanized English ist vhat one might schay ist das sucky undt badt. Worse yet: he writes his emails das vay, too.

And so it begins, with an email from "Dr." Ibrahim Dankwanbo, an employee and pseudo "official" in the Federal Ministry of Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria, to the no-longer extant Dr. Aph Lack (one of my former guises). The gist of it is simply this:

ALL FOREIGN INHERITANCE INTEREST PAYMENT PROGRAMMED WITH ATM CARD ON YOUR FAVOR

This is to inform you that we have received from the Financial Appropriation Committee of the Presidency Federal Republic of Nigeria some information of inheritance payments of which your name and information are included for payment of US $500,000 which will be paid to you through SWIFT CARD or ATM CARD. A form will be forwarded to you for you to fill out and return back immediately. This done your account will be activated and the copy of the ATM card will be sent to you for confirmation. If you are interested, you contact me immediately you receive this email. Waiting for your immediate reply.

Okay, so it's addressed to a 'dead' character. That hasn't stopped me from responding before; and unless I miss my guess, it won't stop this Dr. Dankwanker from following up. Thus, Herr Phulovit responds, in his most flatulent faux sprechen:

Herr Dr. Dankwanker,

Vhat ist das meaningk of dis? Herr Dr. Aph Lack -- mine former associate undt comrade in arms -- ist todt, undt has been zo zince 2003. A proudt veteran of das Great Var, he served mitte distinction undt honor in my tank korps. May he rest in peaze.

Ast you may read here undt grasp, I too am a var veteran, from my dayz in das Wehrmacht, 21st Panzer Division, vhen ve overrun undt conquered Iceland. It iz goodt. Zo, vhat you write to mine dead comrade abouten, Herr Dankwanker? Undt vhat may I do fer you?

U. R. Phulovit

It takes a couple days, but apparently Herr Dankwanker is able to adjust his script accordingly:

Dear U. R. Phulovit,

I thank you for the sad final news of Dr. Lack, but I am happy for your urgent response to my message and I am happy that your a vetran which means you can hanlde confidential projects such that will be trusted in you. All I require for more details to be given to you to secured this fund in your care is as follows:

1. Your full contact address

2. Telephone and fax numbers to enable us to discuss

3. Finally your banking details

I will be looking forward to hear from you to build a solid relationship.

Okay...he doesn't care that I've changed his last name; he doesn't care that I'm not Dr. Lack; he doesn't have the remotest grasp of military history; and he doesn't care my emails are atrociously written. Game on:

I vill be happy to provide you mitte dat vich you asken fer. However, I must pointen out das telephonen sprechen undt chat ist not pozzible mitte you; due to mine military service -- I vuz a tank gunner and later commander of das Mark VI Tiger tank -- mine hearing ist kaput. I can communicate in perzon undt on das computen machinen, but not over das phonen. Pleaze bear das in minden, bitte.

Mine contact addressen: Furst Franz Josef str 69, PO Box 684, 9490 Vaduz, LiechtensteinReceivingk bank details: Bundesnatchen Bank Undt Savingks

Berg str 121, PO Box 691, 9490 Vaduz

Account: (some 12 digit number I just throwd out there)

Account Name: Phulovit, U. R.

Of course, das prinziple of zecrezy undt confidentiality ist vell ingrainedt from my military zervice, Herr Dankwanker. I vill not dizzapoint.

Beats me how he's reading this schiesse*, but his reply suggests he's understanding it well enough:

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail and to notify you that the information's you supplied were duly received. I am more confident now working with you and i also noted your comment regarding communication by call because of your military nature and the effect of the heavy equipments on hearing. I have informed the necessary agencies of your special needs.

My good friend, I hope your doing fine. This is to notify you that the attorney which I engaged has been following your project because he submitted an affidavit of trust in your name to the relevant agencies processing your documents. I will get you informed as we progresses and I will also want you to be more determined in this transaction so that we will not west time in compling with the payments directives so to enable the fund hit your accoutn within the shortest time possible (he doesn't waste time on a proof-reader, either). I hope to hear from you soonest.

And a few hours later, he does indeed:

At dis stage, ze ball iz in your zack, undt I vill avait your dispozitions in accordance mitte ze plan you have evolvedt herein fer das proceedingks to taken placen mitte dispatch. Vunce you have instructedk me mitte my rezponzibilities, I vill undertaken das role mitte expedience undt haste.

Then, there falls a five day lapse of any further communications from Herr Dankwanker. Perhaps he's on to my hokey accent? Or he's taken a quick history lesson? Or he's verified that there's no such Bundesnatchen Bank in existence? So I send an email tweak to find out:

Herr Dankwanker,

I no hearensee from you fer das past five days. Are ve schtill on or vhat? Pleaze advise mitte dispatch.

After another couple of days pass, I finally get this:

Thanks for your commitment which your recent message depicts. I will like you to note that everything is going on fine and i have received assurance from the lawyer that probably before ending of today he will procure the payment approval on your behalf from the Federal Ministry of Finance. I have invested a lot of money to secure this approval, i willnot want you to delay once you receive payment instructions from the bank. I will want you to tell me the kind of account you have and also to let me know how effective you have been operating the account,because i will not want my fund to have problem with your authority once the fund is being transfer. And i will want you to send me your international passport copy photograph on receipt of this mail.

A few hours pass, and I reply:

I vuz beginningk to thing zat you vere not zerious about das business you vish to gibts me. I am gladt by das reply dat you have not proven das true. I vill avait your instructions regardingk das bank. Vhen you need it, I vill zend you mine passport from my zecondary email address; I have it schtoredt on mine business computen machinen.

Which I quickly do, after establishing a zecondary email account fer das purpose of zending das passport, which he never questions. I do like cooperation whilst faking my own, don't you?

Next up, congratulations and a document, along with new players undt vorse zyntax undt schtuff.

* the German word for sh**, so zo I undeschtandt it to be...