Vhat Das Fokk -- III

As we will see from the conclusion of Part II, the bank is all too happy to accept my recent request regardingk travel:

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail and to notify you that after the governing board of directors meeting this morning, we have decided to honour your request. This was reached at because of the government policy which directed us to discharge all foreing payment matters with expidency. This will require you to provide to your legal representative the sum of USD $3,500 so that this identifies your laywer as having legal standing to stand instead of you for the signing of all required documents.

And within the same day, I get this from Herr Dankwanker (not that he and the "bank" can be working in concert? Nahhh):

My good friend thank you for your promptess in this transaction which is very good sign that we are on course. I will want us to hav eth efund transfer before the ending of this week so here I present you the attorney's information on which you send him required funds on Western Union money transfer.

Name: John Eze Location: Lagos Nigera Text Question: Charges

Answer: Signing

I am very happy that the attorny I engaged is capble of handling this project without delay because of his competency to carry out such assignment without complicity. Please you soonest to send Western Union MTCN number to attorney after wiring, so not to delay as our project. I know that we will both celebrate within a couple days.

Well, one of us will, anyway ;-)

After waiting a couple of days, I send the long-anticipated email:

Herr Hassan Chop undt Dankwanker,

Mitte das haste urged upon me, I left vork early undt dispatched das payment as directed, to Bannister John Eze, fer das fee of $3,500 USD. I had das money convertedt to USD from das Euros, fer convenience of das transaction undt schtuff. Das MTCN number ist 4377017734.

It takes another full day, but on Thursday, August 16, the 'fun' begins:

I have received the message which contains your sending information and i have to ask you to furnish those details for clearity at the western union office because the operation of the agent here some times goes through certain routine. The lawyer come back with details you forward and says the details didn't match western union. They asked the lawyer to produce the receipt for the money payment from your side that maybe there is a mistake somewhere. Please scan your recept and send it immediate you read this. we must clear of this quick to assure no time is lost in transaction future.

Yeah, what he said. So I waited until the early morning of the 17th to reply:

Mischtake mitte Vestern Union payment? Neinen, sir. Das ist not pozzible. I vill send you copy of das receipt at vunce. I am sure zat witte dis, you vill be able to collect das funds I vired fer das business undt schtuff.

Later that day, I get this anxious reply:

Please to help us now. It is quite unfortunate we are having delay at this point in time because the western union office in your country have not posted the money that you send trhough them. Barrister John Eze have gone with the receipt that you send and the officer in the western union told him that they could not access the payment and advice him to get back with you to determine from why on your end the payment not posted. This put everything at signing with bank in jepardy, please. I will appreciate if you would procced to the western union where you carried out the transaction two days ago so that this will immediately be resolved. We are in jepardy on this transaction beacuse of delay. Please hurry and advice us.

On the morning of the 18th, I hurry undt advice them:

I go back das Vestern Union undt discuzz das problem mitte dem. They show me on das system dat das funds vere viredt, undt picked up. Vhen I toldt them vhat you vired me -- dat at your end, Vestern Union say "no transaction exist" -- das agent gave me zynical look undt zaid "someone there is tryingk to scam you, sir". Zo I must ask: just vhat ist goingk on mitte das bank? Vho ist das agent there entrustedt mitte collectingk das funds? Hast da person's veracity been verifiedt undt confirmed?

Das bottom line, Herr Dankwanker: my Vestern Union here confirms das funds vired UNDT PICKED UP BY SOMEVONE ON YOUR ENDE. I am most annoyedt undt perturbed mitte das findingk, undt I vish now to know vhat you vill do about it.

I think the triad of Hassan, Dankwanker and Eze are starting to suspect someone spiked the punch, but they aren't willing to come right out and accuse me just yet:

It is a suprise for us to receive you recent mail because your representative who is well known acrredited attorney have called us yesterday to inform us that he will be in the bank today to sighn the final fund release order on your behalf. We have our receiving agents here in the bacnk but since you couldn't said tha tyou be able to appear in the person you notified us that your attorney will stand for you, it iwll not be wise for us to go ahead an introduce our officer here until it is that we have found who picked up your money here for the attornye that is now not found (I think I understand this drivel). We have not have this kind of problem before but the only thing that is we will see if information of who pick up money. We usually have case of money not get into Nigeria and we want to believe the issue agent in your country is sincere. That is another factor that we should determine because we are not used to this kind of thing before this now.

Ooooookay. So here's my reply to...that:

Vhatever dat you say ist dat, ze fact remainz undt ist not in dispute dat mine Vestern Union clearly establishedt undt demonstrated dat das money vas zent undt receivedt by zomevun on dat end of das transaction. Vhile I do not dispute your explanation, let alone fathom das gibberish, I am most disturbted undt gronifiedt mitte distress by das turn of events undt schtuff. I vill vait to learn vhat ist to be done next, Herr Hassan.

A couple days pass, and I get this from Herr Dankwanker:

I am still trying to figure out what is going on concerning the money that you sent. I have told the lawyer to find out what really happened and still insist that the error is from agents over there. However, he said that to resolve this matter that you should tell those western union officials from where you sent the US$3500 the information of the center where the fund was picked up. With this information the attorney will go after the fund. You should not bother yourself once both ofus are working based on sincerity of purpose. I have developed interest on you and will will realise this transaction together no matter difficulties now. Please to maintain your confidentiality in this project and we will not stop now.

So while he keeps insinuating the problem is here, I'll keep suggestingk it ist uddervise:

Ast I have just emailedt your friend Herr Hassan Chop, I am zatisfied mitte explanation undt investigative results obtained by das officials at das Vestern Union here in Vaduz. Undt they are clear and definitive dat das money vas receivedt undt picked up by zomevon at das Lagos, Nigeria location. Some obvious dumkopf undt hundsfott verboten mitte full of das schiessen undt schtuff, meinen Herr. I stand ready undt able, Herr Dankwanker, to proceed mitte your gibts me das business ast heretofore; ve zimply needt to take a new tact mitte care undt promptitude.

As yet, the scales have not yet fallen from the eyes of Herr Dankwanker, strangely enough:

My friend Phulovit, it is still a puzzle to me, this explanation of yours. I have discussed with my associates what is next, and some of them have to me doubted your sincerity. One says that your emails suggest you jest us, and that things in your backdrop dont make sense when read with care. I of course still believe good business can be done with you, but sincerity is necessary to proceed with this project. I ask of you to proceed with us sincerely as we put back together our efforts to achieve mutual success. Please assure me of your intentions.

I think someone's onto me there; but let's take one last shot at extending this out a tad:

You express in me distrust undt apprehension, Herr Dankwanker? Vho amongst your noted associates ist mitte doubt about mine var recordt or mine zincerity? I vill zlap das taste from das mouth of zuch a sprechen dumkopf! Undt you let das calumnies undt mischtatements to color undt underminen das confidence mitte me now? I find das mozt chillingk undt disappointingk to our vorking relaztionship, Herr Dankwanker.

I vill expect an apologize mitte next email, sir.

Danged if that isn't just what I get, along with a prod to make a new payment via Moneygram:

Let us not have fall out now we are brothers in this endeavour to achieve our mutual good ends. I mean no things unkind to you. Please so that we can still make good our business, endeavour you send the funds now through Moneygram, since this puzzled experience with Western Union. If you will do this I will make up on you, this you have my word my brother. But please hurry as time is not on our side with the bank.

A paragraph more full of schiesse is not to be founden undt schmelledt. But what the heckenseepoo: the difference between a faked Vestern Union undt a faked Moneygram is two digits in the reference number. Zo:

I azzept your apology undt brudderhoodt of das hundsfott, and thus I tell you dat I have dispatched das whole amount mitte Moneygram. Das reference number ist 43770169. Az before, ist zent to das bannister John Eze. I vill avait your confirmation undt verification.

And he is duly appreciative...for now:

I have recieved your mail and to be frank i surprised you were so accepting to do this considering the last time. It tell me you are there to work with me as brothers and we don't need division of any kind (gag me). I will get this to attorney so we can be celebrating tomorrow for our hard work and mutual trust. I thank you sincerely my brother.

I didn't expect that to last very long. It didn't, as this reply from Hassan exemplifies:

PHULOVIT, WE TAKE YOUR INFORMATION SERIOUS AND IT MAKE US LOOK STUPID AT MONEYGRAM! DON'T EVER SEND ANYTHING TO US BECAUSE WE HAVE MONITORED THE EVEN CONCERNING YOU AND DISCOVER THAT YOU ARE A CROOK. YOU CAN GO TO HELL WASTE OUR TIME.

And his point was...? At any rate, time to put "paid" to this bill of dysrighteous indignation:

Herrs Hassan-chop and Dankwanker,

Me? A crook? Nahh. I ain't heavy...I'm your brother. You said so. So are you now saying it AIN'T so? Am I now heavy? Have you undone that which was done in your own words some emails back? If your aunt had a moustache, would she be your uncle?. Oh, dangensee, my Deutchen accent up undt schlippened. As glockenspiel undt flieger schiesse*, I vould be duckingk iffen I vas du, fer vhen das flieger schiesse hits das fan midde plop undt spray, it ist all overen das placen, ja.

I vill avait your latest apology undt schtuff, 'cuzen I know dis is vhat you do best. I might even azzept it.

U. R.

I regret to inform you that after this email, the triad discontinued communications with Herr Phulovit. Awpeterstain!

* means "flying sh**" in German, or zo I'm toldt...