Port Harcourt Speaks...To His Regret

No one could know of Star Trek (TOS) without having knowledge of one character that managed two episodes thereon:  Harcourt Fenton Mudd, aka Harry.

And women were key in both of his escapade episodes.

That alone should start feminincompoop heads exploding, but I digress.

Recently a person of apparent dubious antecedence commented on one of the scam emails that involved the scam FBI, and left in comments for that post the alleged name, address and email address of the scammer possibly involved with that post:

Fullname: KINGSLEY ISRAEL JACK Address; 210 BENDE street, City: PORTHARCOURT State: RIVERS-STATE Phone no: +2349055086093 Zipcode: +234 Occupation: BUSINESSMAN,ENGINEER,and GOVERNMENT WORKER. Email: kingsleyisraeljack949@gmail.com

Amusing.  And as it turned out, useful.

Not in a good way as the alleged revealed scammer would learn.

When my pet rock, Seymour, saw that the scammer's hometown was PORT HARCOURT, that sent a *TOING* that reverberated around the abode in such a manner that both Element and Alexa were awakened out of sound naps.  Even a nearly comatose William Shatner, thousands of miles away, involuntarily *twitched*.

Seymour took the above comment, embellished it and sent it back to KIJ and several dozen of his compatriots and peers:

Dear Mr Mudd,

Thank you for your request for vetting by our internationally-know'd firm of entremanure vetting processes.

We have done as you requested and found you thoroughly cockwobble.

Further, you are a source of triggering to raging feminincompoops of all shapes and elongated sizes.

Below are the parameters you provided us in the original request:

Full name: KINGSLEY ISRAEL JACK 

Address; 210 BENDT street, City: PORTHARCOURT FENTON MUDD State: RIVERS-STATE 

Phone no: +2349055086093 

Zip code: +234 

Occupation: Purveyor of female sex bots in the form of roombas with genitals implanted from piranha*

Email: kingsleyisraeljack949@gmail.com

Member in dubious at best standing with the Nigerian Odor of Illuminincompoops

which makes you anathema of run-amok college professors applying assordid personal pronouns to their genders of study.

You'd be wise to avoid college campuses and ex-wives.  Just saying.

Note:  supplies are limited.  Dealer prep and options extra.  Your results will vary.

*last tried on an episode of Star Trek TOS ("Mudd's Womyn") in 1966. You judge the success.

From here, it looks pretty bleak on the success scale.

Amazingly, this edit did not earn the wrath of either Element or Alexa in Seymour's direction.  They both figure the female world has enough loons on the Left without becoming two more.

Seymour is suitably thankful.

The edit did earn Seymour one response from one of the scammers receiving it:

STOP THIS EMAILS!!!!!!!!!!!   

Seymour was up for that:

When you can write the request without sounding like a Third World moron, we'll talk.  Have your people contact my people and they can do lunch.  You're buying.  Cannibal delicacies are prohibited (aka, "finger food" ain't real fingers here, just so's you know).

The scammer wasn't up for answering that.

A Bad Scam A Worse Reply II

History repeats.

My pet rock, Seymour, saw the following scam email from a Lt. Colonel Robinson and had what he considered to be a creative *TOING* totally unique to him:


Confidential / Lt. Col James Robinson

Hello and Greetings to you

I am Lt. Col. James Robinson, commander, USA Airforce, military base in Syria.

Can you work with me on a confidential business deal?  It will require you to help me receive huge funds and military uniform out of Syria and Afghanistan to your Country and place. I will provide you with details if you are willing and interested.

First, you will be very well financially compensated.

Secondly, if you will love to move your family in the future to America, I can help you relocate to America.

Your religion does not matter to me. Only trust and honesty.

I have two sons but my wife is late.

Get back to me for details if you can work with me.

James   

Among other things, Seymour considers himself something of a song-writing lyricist with no peers.

I don't see how that's possible, since so many song writers out there are stoned at the time.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"


At any rate, Seymour begged me to let him answer this scam letter.  So I did.

And Seymour, he says he came up with a "whole new, never-before-heard song", in both tune and lyrics.  Which he proudly allowed me to peruse.

Enter my own recognition *TOING*

While the lyrics did intermix some originality with parody, the tune was well known from my love of music from the 1960s.

"Is NOT!!!  This is never-before-heard stuff!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

When shown this picture, Seymour gave me a blank stare:

Which was understandable, so I found the right picture:

To Seymour's blank stare was added "who are they?"

Who indeed.

With no further coo coo adieu, see how Seymour responded to the scammer in parodious fashion:


De, de de-de de-de, de-de de-de, de de-de
Po, po po-po po-po, po-po po
De-de de-de de de de-de de de de-de de

And here's to you, Colonel Robinson
you're a bigger douche than you could know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh f**ing please, Colonel Robinson
Is this the f**king best that you can do?
Poo poo poo, do be do

We'd like to know a little bit about your three brain cells
We'd like to shove this scam square up your ass
Ask around and find you're really f**king bad
Scroll around the 'net you'll see you really suck

And here's to you, Colonel Robinson
you're a bigger douche than you could know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh f**ing please, Colonel Robinson
Is this the f**king best that you can do?
Poo poo poo, do be do

Find a little hiding place where no one else can go
Up your ass just where your head's tucked
Not a little secret, just the Colonel's crappy lair
Most of all, you'll prolly share it with the Dems

Kookoo AaCHOO, Colonel Robinson
you're a bigger douche than you could know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Oh f**ing please, Colonel Robinson
Is this the f**king best that you can do?
Poo poo poo, do be do 

Picking at your backside on a Sunday afternoon
Scamming at the internet cafe
Doesn't matter which template their telling you to use
Doesn't matter what you send, you lose

Where have you gone, Mrs Abacha?
Nigeria turns its crossing eyes to you
Woo, woo, woo
What's that you say, Colonel. Robinson?
Ol' Mariam has lost her scam today
Hey hey hey, heck darn poo

What comes as no surprise, the scammer had nothing more to say after receiving this.  Seymour hisself may yet receive a reprimand from lawyers for Simon and Garfunkel.

"Will NOT!!!  But get their autograph if they do.."

*TOING*


 

Marmot Vs Sock Puppet

Guess he had to find something to do while awaiting the next re-run of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer.  Even better, when he learned that Godzilla turned down the part.

Marmots and sock puppets.  Only in a scam email edit could these two be made to work together.

Well okay...cnn could probably pull that off.  They're not good for much else.

At any rate, meet the latest scamstress from Third World Scam Land, who titled her ploy About Your Payment (the truth):

From: Ms. Grace Obinna
  CBN, Nigeria.

Dear Friend

Thanks for your attention.  Unfortunately  I am not directly in charge of transfer. I only wanted to help you with information on what to do immediately to get your money. which they have not been telling you.. Now I will introduce you to the person in charge and give you every information needed.

There is an attorney appointed by the President, the Courts and the Nigerian Barrister Association to process the only document needed to transfer over due  funds in this category to their beneficiaries.

The attorney's name is Bentley Edu  and the  name of the document  is  Presidential Irrevocable Permit ( PIP)

This document is the latest arrangement authorized by the President, as a measure to curb corruption,  safeguard foreign beneficiaries and to ensure that their outstanding  payments are released instantly.

He will procure the Presidential Irrevocable  Permit. which will have the endorsement of the NBA, the High Court and Nigerian President.

Once he presents the document at the Central Bank of Nigeria here, your fund will be released to your local  bank account  within 48 hours.

You can reach the attorney through the email programmed for this transactions: bentleyedulegalservices@gmail.com

These corrupt officials in the Banks and other offices in Nigeria and overseas will never tell you about this document or the attorney because they do not want you to receive your payment yet, due to the fact that they are  trading with your funds. I know their secret which they believe every one will be intimidated to speak up.

Your fund is as good as in your account once you contact him.  You do not need to mention my name to him but just that a CBN staff  gave you information concerning this.

Please all information I give you must be handled with utmost confidentiality.
Regards,

Ms. Grace Obinna  


Isn't that nice of her, wanting to hep me get scammed?  With 'friends' like her, who is needing democraps?

Well, let's see how this edit -- which incorporates a little no-so-masked disappointment over Election 2018's results in Colorado -- goes over:


Subject: Colorado Elections And About Marmot Sex With Sock Puppets (the truth)

 

From: Ms. Grace Obinna
  Society For The Truth About Marmot Sex With Sock Puppets (the truth), Nigeria

The rest...meh...we don't even know where Colorado is

Dear Friend

Thanks for your  attention to this completely overlooked problem in societies today, from Andorra to Zitsagastia.  Unfortunately  I am not directly in charge of getting the word out about this pending global blight. I only wanted your help on what to do immediately to get your money involved in alleviating this ticking time bomb for sock puppets, which they have not been telling you.  Because they're sock puppets.  But thanks to us, they need be voiceless no more.  We are the voice of the heretofore voiceless.  And together .. we shall overcome. 

 There is an attorney appointed by the President, the Courts and the Nigerian Barrister Association.  For what purposes, no one can say for sure other than those that appointed him.  Just know that he's a democrap and voted to legalize sex with underage tree stumps, if that helps give you an idea about his character.

The attorney's name is Roger Over Clearance Clarence Huh Edu.  Are you already seeing why he picked the wrong week to take knitting slip covers for dildos?  His name barely fits on Presidential Irrevocable Permit ( PIP), which will be evasively explained hereabouts at some point.

This document is the latest ploy .. er .. arrangement authorized by the President, as a measure to propagate .. er .. curb corruption, safeguard people pooping on foreign streets in San Crapcisco and to ensure that their missing and purloined sock puppets are released instantly before marmot mating season begins.

Ever wonder what happens to those socks that go missing in your laundry?  Neither do we, but that's how sock puppets get started on the road to marmot sex perdition ... but like a famous radio show host, I digress.

Anyway this bannister -- Roger Over Clearance Clarence Huh Edu, who picked the wrong week to start sniffing emu butts -- it is his job, his one and only sole job, to procure the Presidential Irrevocable  Permit. which will have the endorsement of the NBA, the NFL, the NCAA, the OMG and the WTF, along with that of the High Court and Nigerian President.

Once he presents the document at the DNC post-election night "what the hell happened" meth and Boone's Farm whine party, you can be danged sure that the future for sock puppets will be brighter, despite the pending onset of marmot mating rituals, which are often accompanied by Miley Cyrus in outmoded twerk mode, though guaranteed not to last longer than 48 hours.

You can reach the attorney if you have failed to completely comprehend this email here:  bentleyedulegalservices@gmail.com

These corrupt officials in the DNC, at cnn, and in the Sock Puppets 'R Us Coalition, will never tell you about this document or the attorney because they do not want Donald Trump to get another Burrito Supreme Court nominee that can't be derailed by made-up marmot/sock puppet sex claims from 36 years ago during a frat party at a Whiny League school of dubious mediacedence. 

Dianne Frankenfeinstein is still pissed about that.

At any rate, I know their secret which they believe every one will be too intimidated to speak up, in case Hellary is nearby on her broom, looking for new excuses on why she lost.

You're in good hands with us ... well, not really, but the template said to say that.  And next time you go to the rest room, you do not need to mention my name to get a good seat.  That hasn't worked yet.
 
Please all information I give you must be handled with utmost confidentiality; if you're literate, you'll understand why at once.

Ms. Grace Obinna  

 

 

Ms. Grace O didn't see fit to respond to the edit.  I reckon the image of marmots molesting sock puppets was, after all, a bit much.  Assuming that she knows what a sock is.

Snowmore Of This Scam

Winter's coming.  Yes...perhaps even scenes like this, to places far and wide across the fruited plain.

Especially where democraps are ruining things.

Meantime, looky what we got h'yar:  another "general" from Nigeria.  A major general, no less:

Am Major-General Babagana Monguno (rtd). National Adviser to President
Muhammadu Buhari the president Federal Republic of Nigeria. I decided to
contact you because of the prevailing security report reaching my office
and the intense nature of polity in Nigeria. I Determined To Make Contact
With You As Of The Widespread Refuge Information Reaching My Office And The
Severe Nature Of Guidelines In My Country.

This Is To Enlighten You About Our Arrangement To Send Fund To You Via
Cash Release As It Is The Only System That Will Be Easier For You And
Us, We Are Going To Send Your Contract/ inheritance Part Payment Sum Of 10.5
Million United States Dollars By Way Of Diplomatic Cash Delivery.

Note:The Money Is Coming On 2 Security Proof Boxes. The Boxes Are
Sealed With Synthetic Nylon That Was Sealed And Padded With Machine.

This Fund Was Brought To Us For Our Local A.F.E.M. Market, But Since
The Money Was Not Used, I Will Use My Position As The National Adviser
to President To Send This Fund To You.

All You Need To Do Now Is To Send To Me Your Full House Address And
Your Identity Such As, International Passport Or Drivers License
Including Your Contact Phone & Fax Numbers For Easy Communication,

Note: The Diplomats Do Not Know The Original Contents Of The Boxes.
What I Acknowledged To Them As The Contents Is Sensitive Photographic
Film Material. I Did Not Declare Money To Them Please. If They Call
You And Ask You The Contents Please Tell Them The Same Thing. Send Me
An Email And I?ll Let You Know How Far I Have Gone With The
Arrangement.

Please I Need Urgent Reply Because The Boxes Are Scheduled To Be As
Soon As We Hear From You.

Best Regards,

Major-General Babagana Monguno (rtd).
National Security Adviser to the President
Federal Republic of Nigeria  


My character welcomes the major genital to the world of editing, our style:


Subject: VERY URGENT FROM TWAT WAFFLES OF AFRICA

 

I am Major-Genital Babbaloobia Montenegro Ungabunga (retarded). I is the National Adviser to President Muhammadu Buhari Buttducktor, the acting president Federal Republic of Nigeria. I decided to contract an infectious genital wart disease and see if I could transfer it to you because of the prevailing security report reaching my office and the intense nature of polity in Nigeria.  Which is a nice way of saying that we and things totally buttsuck here.  I Determined To Make Contact With anyone I could reach due to The Widespread Refuge Information Reaching My Office And The Severe and totally suckass Nature Of how things utterly fail to work In My Country.

This Is To Enlighten You About Our Arrangement To further f**k up our country by packaging trunk-sized boxes of anchovies with no preservatives, holding them in a steaming warehouse for five weeks, and then shipping them to points all over the Solar System because we're kinda f**ked up in the head and like to do things like this because we are.  And we do.  Because we are.

Note: The putrid anchovies Is Coming in a memo that Dianne Frankenfeinstein has been sitting and menstruating on for the past ten years.  It'll be put in Boxes. The Boxes Are not Sealed because those menstruated-upon anchovy memos are a lethal beyond anything you'd expect from the butt side of a fossilized Califorlornia senator of dubious genital cleanliness and really thinks she can derail a Supreme Court nomination with her aged menstruations.

This clusterf**k of an idea Was Brought To Us For Our Local A.F.E.M. Market, But Since The anchovies are already in raging stench mode, I Will Use My Position As The National Adviser to President To Send This putrid sh*t To You.

All You Need To Do Now Is To Send To Me Your Full House Address And Your Identity Such As, International Passport Or Drivers License Including Your Contact Phone & Fax Numbers For Easy Communication,

Note: The Diplomats Do Not Know The Original Contents Of The Boxes, though anyone within a city block of them should be able to tell.  What I Acknowledged To Them As The Contents Is Sensitive Photographic Film Material of Hellary Clinton leaving a Motel Six with an inflatable Tom Arnold sex toy and a yak. Please. If They Call You And Ask You The Contents Please Tell Them The Same Thing. Send Me An Email And I'll Let You Know How Far I Have Gone With The Arrangement.

Please I Need Urgent Reply Because The Boxes here smell like six week old anchovies and someone needs to get those f**king things outta here.

Regards,

Major-Genital Babbaloobia Montenegro Ungabunga (retarded).
National Security Adviser to the badly-acting President
Federal Republic of Nigeria

"If it ain't f**ked up yet it's cuz we ain't got to it yet...don't worry, we will"  

Funny thing...the major genital didn't see fit to follow this up.

I think the snow monster from Rudolph sent him packing.  Or the anchovies got him.

Who's YO Daddy?

Sometimes I think that Capital One got their ad campaign from scammers.

'Cuz they're ALWAYS after what's in my wallet.

If they only knew how little there was ta git.

Anyway, another day, another Nigerian prince looking for my help:


Good day Sir/Madam,

 This letter might surprise you because we have met neither in person nor by correspondence, but I believe that it takes just one day to meet or  know someone either physically or through correspondence.
>>>>>>>
I got your contact through my personal search, you were revealed as being quite astute in private entrepreneurship, one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial business transaction.
>>>>>>>
However, I am Prince Philip Y. Williams, the first son of His Royal Majesty Pepple Y. William, the traditional ruler of Bonny province in the Oil rich area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am making this contact to you in respect of $38,000,000.00 USD (Thirty eight Million united States Dollars), which I inherited from my late father.  


It went on for several more tortured paragiraffes, but the gist was established.  Another rich Nigerian prince.  That needs my help.

He's got the $38 million, and he needs MY help.

Now it suddenly becomes apparent to me why sometimes, when I write back in the nonsensical way that I do, that gives the scammer on the other end hope.

So I start by feeding that hope...with a turd sandwich:


You Nigerians certainly have your problems.  That much is clear.  


At least this Nigerian isn't totally illiterate:


I am serious with everything I mentioned, my proposal is genuine and
real.  

Uh huh...


I decide to throw in there a little hint of my own dash of antecedent royal blood, just to see how attentive he is:


Yes, Prince, I reckon you wish to come off that way.  You fail miserably,
but I know your intention is there.  It doesn't change my read that things
really suck in Nigeria when a so-called prince is reaching out to British
royalty for help (Queen Elizabeth II is my 27th cousin, twice removed).


Answer:  he ain't THAT attentive:


Please clarify me, are you interested in my proposal?  


Not sure how exactly I clarify you as you requested.  Is this a self-help
exercise you want help with?  


Dear Brother/friend/daddy,

I am in receipt of your email, and I must start by thanking you for
understanding my present condition as well as accepting my proposal.

I am Prince Philip Y. Williams, the first son of His Royal Majesty
Pepple Y. William, the traditional ruler of Bonny province
in the Oil rich area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am a dedicated
Christian and a practicing Catholic. I will be 31 years old
by June 10th. 

Again he went on for several more paragiraffes with the same drivel as
before.  What's worse...he's 31 years old, and he called me "daddy".

"Daddy?"
"Daddy".


I remember in Big Jake, one of John Wayne's boys calling him "daddy" didn't wind up so well for the lad.  Granted, I couldn't throw this guy out of his saddle and into a mud puddle, but it did give me an angle to play with:

I'm your "daddy"?  


Yes!  


I realize that you probably haven't heard the Donald Duck routine off that line, and I'm not sure your results reflect mine, but one thing ah knows above all else from round about Wankersville....I ain't yo daddy.  


Sir, I don't understand you.
Are you interested in my proposal?
Awaits your response.  


Well...at least I didn't have to throw HIM in a mud puddle to get a 'sir' out of him.

Cultural appropriation of understanding may be lacking in this case.
What isn't lacking is my knowledge that I'm not yo daddy.  


Thanks very much for your clarification and as from hence forth, I
will stop addressing you as my daddy.
So are you still interested in my proposal?
Awaits your response.  

Finally, you make what amounts to a princely decision.
Now, what's your business?  


Having written me his business twice -- helping as a foreigner to get his money moved from th'yah to h'yah and giving me 25% of absolutely nothing for my efforts -- the prince apparently decided that I was not only NOT his daddy, I wasn't going to be his dupe, either:


Bye Bye!  


Sell Sell!


What do you mean? 


You said "Bye Bye".  I said "Sell Sell".  See what I just did there?


You are idiot.  Bye.  

Too bad you chose so poorly with your scam template category; had you chosen
> to be a member of the British Royal famdamily, we'd of been relatives and
> you might have accomplished something here.>
>
> *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*>
>
> But you chose....poorly.


And then, it just gets weird:


What do you want from me?


The moron contacted me, and after all this nonsense, he actually sends me THAT question?  Eh..as long as he's going to ask, I might as well use my connection to royalty for what little it's worth:

while you're sitting here playing at being Nigerian royalty, I AM from the British Royal family.  So just what the royal F**K did you have in mind, other than a very poorly thought-out scam?  Speak up man, my royal scepter tennis lesson is starting in 15 minutes.

Now I'm convinced that the stale prince from Nigeria is a millennial, because this:


Thanks for making mockery of my predicament.


You pretty well made that yourself with your choice of template, but hey, if you want to give me the credit, I'm down with that.  Any further mockerage you desire, feel free to make contact and I'll crank up the mocking chamber.


The "prince" had nothing further to offer; though my pet rock, Seymour, figures that I just blew a chance for millions....

Somehow...I think not.

#1300 Ain't A Lucky Number

Katie shore don' think so.

Yes, this is post 1300.  Unbelievable.

I'm sure that Bannister Evans Thomas won't be all that pleased to be a part of it.

But he is.

Read his well-worn opening gambit:

EVANS THOMAS LAW FIRM
SOLICITORS & ADVOCATES
No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {richardkc1166@yahoo.com.hk}

Dear Friend

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a surprise.This is
because we have not met before but I am inspired to sending you this email
following the huge fund transfer opportunity that will be of mutual
benefit to the two of us.

However, I am Barrister Evans Thomas Attorney to the late Engr.Ronald
Johnson, a national of Northern American, who used to work with Shell
Petroleum Development Company(SPDC) in Nigeria . On the 11th of
November,2008. My client,his wife And their three children were involved
in a car accident along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident,
Since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate
any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his
relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but of no
avail, hence I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and
property left behind by my client,I can easily convince the bank with my
legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my client.
Otherwise the Estate he left behind will be confiscated or declared
unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were
lodged.Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at
about $15 million U.S dollars(Fifteen million U.S.America dollars).

Consequently,The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or
have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over several
years now.I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the
deceased,so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million U.S
dollars can be paid to your account and then you and me can share the
money. 55% to me and 40% to you,while 5% should be for expenses or tax as
your government may require.  


I have every reason to believe that as surprised as my character was supposed to have been to receive this email, Bannister Evans Thomas will be just as surprised by what my character dun widdit:

From: Barr. Evans Thomas <smilearchdental@smilearchdental.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2017 1:06 AM
Subject: Boom lacka lacka lacka boom

 

EVANS THOMAS LAW FIRM
RODENT FALLATORS & ADVOCATES
No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {richardkc1166@yahoo.com.hk}

Tacka Tallawhacky Brown

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a wet dream triggered by visions of Nancy Bela Pelosi dildoing a fire hydrant.

You need better dreams.  This is probably because you use substandard hallucinogens at work.

WTF is up with that?  Doesn't Obolascare give you the cheapest in hallucinogens?

Be that as it might never had been if you'd growd a brain, I am Bannister Evans Thomas, Atturkey-at-law, representing asordid Northern Americans whose names I lifted from a Minnysoda rural phone book.  Being from Nigeria, I have little else to do but that, finger my bung hole, write assorted incantations to the Nigerian illuminincompoop baphomet Ogun Douche Canoe, or play like I'm a real atturkey like you seed on Law & Odor. 

But I do believe I am digressing...I am working off a badly writ talking points list and I am to tell you that I am reprehensing a Northern Americans who used to work with Smell Petroleum Jelly Development Company(SPJDC) in Nigeria.   On the 11th of Never in 2016, my client, the goat he married in a bizarre ceremonkey and their three marmots were involved in a plain crash when the yak cart they were riding in was incredibly lost -- we don't have yaks in Nigeria -- and crossed in the path of the only Boeing 747 to land at the international airport outside of Lagos in the past 25 years. 

 The plain didn't hit them; but it scared the yak so bad that it unleashed a monumental fart at the very moment the jet engines were in immediate proximity, igniting the fart and frying everyone in the cart.

The post accident BBQ was enjoyed by all but a couple from the UK, who are still vomiting.

Since then I have made several inquiries to several movie and TV producers about doing a weekly sitcom about it called Yakity Flak, but so far I am unable to locate any producers willing to front the idea.  I wasn't even able to get Berkeley Breathed from Bloom County or Trey Parker and Matt Stone from South Park to bite on an episode.  The Kardashians expressed some interest as a way to boost sagging ratings, but who wants to be involved with ol' Liberty Bell Butt?

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace the events of that day back to a common demominator, but Barbara Billingsley isn't returning my calls.  Snooty hollywad stars...even when dead they're stuck up.

Thus with all other avenues blocked by construction and cone zones, I contacted you to assist in this rather dubious affair.  Since everyone here is dumber than a door knob, I can easily convince the bank with my shady and unethical legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my fried and et clients.  Otherwise, Brian Williams will be claiming he was here when it all went down, and that he's entitled to one half of Kim Kardashian's butt to co-anchor with him on pmsnbc.

He can have it all, but I digress.  

Consequently, I am being sued by The Cannibal Channel for failure to invite them to the BBQ involving my clients.  So I need a new client to hopefully pay for whatever it'll cost me to deal with them.  They charge by the ounce.

All I require is your gullible cooperation to enable us see this deal make it on a YouTube viral expose that shows you to be a real twat waffle.  In keeping with that notion I need the swallowing from you:

Your Full Name:
Your House Address:
Your Tele-phone And Fax No:
Your Age and Gender :
Your Nationality:
Your Occupation:

I guarantee that this will be executed in the most heinous manure possumbull -- better than Kim Jong Un can imagine -- and under an illegitimate arrangement that will protect me from you in case you grow a brain before I can pull this off.  Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email { richardkc1166@yahoo.com.hk }

Hooha,
Bannister Evans Thomas . { SAN }

Of all the replies the scammer could have sent -- including taking the option of none -- he picked the wrong one:


I am not eating peoples you jerk.  


So you prefer to knaw on them one at a time?  You should have chosen the path of the zombie, which only wants to eat brains.  Then again, that's why you chose what you did.  See what I just did there?


Stop writing me.  


I didn't write 'me'.  I wrote you.  You're not going to make a good zombie at this rate.  


The good bannister had had enough repartee with my character after that...yes, ol' 1300 wasn't lucky for him.