Liars, Tiggers and Poots Oh My

He ain't the only one that hates when that happens.

Scamstress Janet Brown isn't much of an admirer of it any more, either.

It all started out innocently enough *wink* with this email from herself:


Hurry now and claim your fund from the Central Bank of Nigeria or your fund will be confiscated by the wicked officials of the CBN.

My name is MISS. JANET BROWN, I am a Computer Scientist working with Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am 25 years old, just started working with CBN.

I came across your payment file marked X and your released disk painted RED. I took time to study it and tried to find out why the funds were not released to you. Those evil officials can never tell you the truth that they won't release the fund to you; instead they allow you spend your hard earned money unnecessarily.

I do not intend to work here forever; I can help you claim your fund if you can certify me of my security and assure me that you would compensate with me after you must have received your payment. I must do this because you need to know the status of your payment and cause for the delay. This is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria and you may not understand because you are not a Nigerian.

The only thing needed to release this fund to you is the Original INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER PERMIT (ITP), which will be tendered to any of your nominated bank and the Internal Revenue Service IRS for clearance of the transferred amount in your account.

Once the Original TRANSFER PERMIT Certificate is secured, fund will immediately reflect in your bank within 24 HOURS. The only authorized and sincere person who will issue you the Original Documents is Dr. Ibrahim Bello. Make sure you indicate your file letter X and tell him its painted color Red so he will be able to recognize your file. The president made a compensation fund release for all unpaid beneficiaries/contractors and scam victims.

Therefore, you are going to receive a total sum of $2,700,000.00 (TWO MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) for this year 2017 as recorded in your file here and will be transferred to your bank account as soon as the Original document is obtained.

Do get back to me ASAP through this ( etuh009@gmail.com )  if you are still interested in claiming your fund so that I can give you further direction and contact of Dr. Ibrahim Bello.  


Uh huh.  'Cept that ain't what went back to her, after my pet rock, Seymour, got done with the edit:

From: Janet Brown <info@fara-control.com>
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2017 12:50 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: PLEASE READ AND DO BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND THINGS THAT GO POOT IN THE NIGHT  !!!

 

Dear Dark Wing Phuck,

Hurry now and claim your fund from the Central Bank of Nigeria or your fund will be confiscated by the wicked witch of the west  who are married to the officials of the CBN and a shriveled dork from Ellendale, Queen William.  They got the beeyotch a raincoat so she wants a return match with Dorothy and that little ankle biter of hers.

My name is MISSUS. JANET BROWN, I am a Compooter Slyentologist working with Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am 25 years old, just started working with CBN and I am a budding sawng writer.  Just look at what I have a tune in my head for:

Missus Brown (that's me) you've got a lousy ploy here..

scams as bad as this are rectal itch...

It's so sad...this thing won't fool a yak...

I showed this mail to one

and all it did was moooo (in Russian)...


I came across your file marked expert and realized why yours was painted RED:  "x" is the unknowd factor and 'spert is a drip of water under pressure.  No need to thank me for making you feel illuminated this day. It's what I do:  I live but to serve, except in tennis:  every time I charge the net, my panties fall off, and the gallery ain't cheering an ass like mine.

I do not intend to work here forever; I hear that Nancy Pelosi is hiring an assistant who will shovel botox up her ass to maintain her youthful appearance, and this is just up my alley, after having had to work for a rain slickered wicked witch that cackles and leaves hair pins scattering in the air everytime she suddenly takes off in one direction or another.

Annoying beeyotch.

After having taken a dozen different online courses through asordid online eunuchversities here in Nigeria, among other things I am now certified in helping you regain your virginity.  For a modest fee, of course:  I must do this because I've got stunted loans that rival the size of Hellary's thighs.  This is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria and you may not understand because you are not a Nigerian, and we don't understand because they cancelled The Sopranos before we could get the gist of it all.

The only thing needed to defeat the rain slickered wicked witch of Chappaqua is the Original INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER PERMIT (ITP) and a fire hose.  Tell Dorothy that she'll need more than a bucket this time.

Once the Original TRANSFER PERMIT Certificate is secured and Dorothy has her a fire hose with plenty of psi, the world odor will be in stink, all will be well wunst agin, I can achieve fame as a sawng writer better than Lisa Kudrow and it will immediately reflect in the 2018 Grammys, when I get to stand up before my peers and make fun of Madonut. The only authorized person who will issue you the Original Documents is Dr. Ibrahim Bello. But don't trust him, because he is a raving twat waffle and douche canoe after years of meth and sucking on Yugo exhaust pipes in Lagos back alleys.  

Therefore, you are going to need to get Dorothy that fire hose ASAP.

Do get back to me ASAP through this ( etuh009@gmail.com )  if you are still able to access a good fire hose and want to hear more of my sawng writing prowess.

Yours exceptionally insincerely,
MISS JANET BROWN

 The scammer was apparently left speechless by the edit and nothing further for ol' Seymour.  As for The Wizard of Oz....I hear the flying monkeys are looking for Seymour..

"Are NOT!!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"