Online Job Scam Deflates On Edit

The scammer wasn't ready for this.  Or anything else that followed or swallowed.

Ack.

Some idiot purporting to be a Mike Murdock has been emailing scam attempts of all sorts of angles for 2-3 years now.  I've certainly seen my share of them.

And like Al, they all suck.

Here's the purported Murdock's latest gambit:


Li & Fung Limited (Chinese: ??????) is a global trading group, based in HongKong, that supplies high-volume, time-sensitive consumer goods. Garments  make up around two-thirds of the Li & Fung business which also covers the sourcing of hard goods such as fashion accessories, furnishings, gifts,  handicrafts, home products, promotional merchandise, toys, sporting goods and travel goods.

As a supply chain manager across many producers and countries, Li &Fung provides
product design and development, raw material and factory sourcing, production
planning and management, quality assurance and export documentation to shipping
consolidation.

We need a company representative that will be helping us to secure payments from
our customers in your country, You will be receiving check or cash payments from
our customers and adhere to company instructions. You will be paid 4,120 dollars
monthly with other company benefits after 3 months of work confirmation. It
doesn't matter if you working right now because this job will only takes you 2
hours per week.  Kindly get back to us with the required information to get
started. 


Like everything else from the purported Mr. Murdock, a rickshaw load of rice paddy 'night soil'.

It takes a bit of a different look, however, when edited just a tad:

From: Lie & Phuk UnLimited <test@erskineevents.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 31, 2017 10:23 PM
Subject: OFFER OR ONNER

 

Li & Fung Limited (Chinese: ??????) is a global trading group, based in HongKong. 

We're not them. 

We are Lie & Phuk Unlimited, a neighborhood smut shop, also based in Hong Kong, but we intend to go global with your help.

The former specialize in selling sh*t like high-volume time-sensitive consumer goods. Garments
make up around two-thirds of the Li & Fung business which also covers the sourcing of hard goods such as fashion accessories, furnishings, gifts, handicrafts, home products, promotional merchandise, toys, sporting goods and travel goods.

Here at Lie & Phuk Unlimited, we specialize in dildos and inflatable sex toys that replicate

people.  We're still running a 105% off on our Hellary Clinton collection, since she didn't

win and only a small yak herd imported from Siberia seems to have much interest in

mounting an inflatable version of her. 

 

 

And our Nancy Bela Pelosi collection only seems to generate sales at haunted houses in October.

As a supply chain manager across many producers and countries, Li &Fung provides
product design and development, raw material and factory sourcing, production
planning and management, quality assurance and export documentation to shipping
consolidation.

Lie & Phuk Unlimited spends as little as possible on materials and sh*t like that.  We're

all about profit, baby.  We need a company representative that will be helping us to

expand our operations from the neighborhood to a global reach.  We'll even market

our crap to nearby planets, so long as they come git what we got.

If you agree to work for us at Lie & Phuk, we'll live down to our name by promising

to receive to you a check or cash payments from our customers and adhere to

company instructions. You will be paid 4,120 dollars monthly with other company

benefits after 3 months of work confirmation.

But you have to work like a broke dick dawg for the first three months before you

get anything.  Kindly get back to us with the required information to get shafted..er..
started.


Name:________Last name:_________________

Physical Address: _____________City:_________________

State:___________Zip code:________________________

Country: ________________Cell Phone Number:__________

Age:___________Nationality_______________________

Marital Status:_______________Sex:_________________

Occupation:_________________
What are you wearing:__________________ Is It See-Thru:_________________

*Please make sure you telephone # has a really kinky message on it -- I will need to call
you when everything is in place and kinky voice mail helps me get off.

*If you are interested please e mail the application form to me for approval VIA email below.

Email: abbeybakcustomercare@lizhenhua.net

Mike Murdock (still trying to get this scam to work from two-three years ago..meh)

The purported Murdock usually ignores me when one of my characters does this to his offer to give me the business; this time he simply couldn't hep hisself:


what is wrong with you???  


Burrito farts.  What's wrong with you???  


That was apparently all the repartee the purported Murdock had time for.  Guess he doesn't like burrito farts.


 

---

A Pet Rock Responds To Democrap Messaging

My pet rock, Seymour, loves to scour the internet for posts he can edit.  By far, his favorite person to edit anything about is Kim Jong Un.

But when the democraps pitch a softball square over the strike zone -- as they did again this week -- my pet rock can't help but go for the bleachers with it.

Like an AP story about how the democraps -- again -- miss the point of the 2016 election, and blame their loss on people not getting their message.

Still deluded...after all these years.

And that's how Seymour seed it:


Democrats attempt rebranding yet again with different name for same old tired dishonest agenda

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS                

WASHEDUPTOWN (WTFNS) — Tone deaf democrapic leaders believe they lost to President Donald Trump because voters don't know what the party stands for. So they're trying to rebrand themselves with yet another dishonest, disingenuous slogan and the same old crap agenda as they imagine themselves looking ahead to the 2018 midterms.

It's called "Another try with the same sh*t deal, just said different" and House and Senate Democrapic leaders are dragging it out kicking and screaming Monday afternoon in Buriedville, Virginia. They're cautiously traveling outside the Beltway, but praying that cnn and pmsnbc will carry their latest misinformation far and wide.

After all, it takes fake news purveyors to carry fake news.

Senate Minority nincompoop Chuck Schumer of New York, House Minority douche canoe Nancy Pelosi of California, along with other lowlife House and Senate Democraps, are making the presentation after wasting months of internal debate and analysis of polling and focus groups, when every Trump voter could tell them that their message of corruption and deceit was heard loud and clear.

Democraps – hoping that dumbed down education had diluted the common sense of the overall electorate – were surprised when Trump was able to sway working-class voters from them. They spent months deluding themselves that voters don't know what the party stands for, and the latest misinformation effort is aimed at further deluding themselves.

Schumer failed to acknowledge on Sunday that Democraps were to blame for the American people having had enough of their negative, racebaiting, devisive crap.

"When you lose an election to someone who ran against the worst candidate we could field, you look in the mirror and say DERP, like ol' Nanc here.  And you look for any answer that can be made up to deny the real reason that we lost:  so we don't have to face the fact that we tee totally suck as a party," Schumer accidentally admitted to lamestream servile mediocres Sunday.

The full title of the agenda is "Another try with the same sh*t deal, just said a different way for the umpteenth time."

"The Democrapic Party's mission is to help tear down an America in which working people are dumbed down and totally ready to buy into the socialist state and utter dependency on government run by us democraps, while those who oppose us know that we'll have a knife in their back," say documents accompanying the drag-out.

There are three overarching goals: deceit, deception and denial, pretty much giving working Americans the same jack wagon load of sh*t in the 21^st Century as they were fed in the latter half of the 20th.

Deceptive talking points memos will be rolled out over time. On Monday, three are being unveiled:

—Lowering common sense and education standards further. Too many voters for Trump prove that the populace isn't stupid enough to entrench democraps for life  as yet.

—Cracking down on conservatives. Democraps would attempt to enact marxist standards to limit opposition in print, radio, TV and on the internet, so they wouldn't have to worry about their real message being exposed and spread by conservative challengers.

—Creating millions more welfare dependents. The agenda includes proposals for expanding welfare dependency by 1000% as soon as possible.

Democraps hope to make gains in next year's midterm elections with more fake news, false promises and support from the integrity-void press to mask the democrap objectives.

Yet they are pretty much full of sh*t, and younger democraps seem to be starting to get what party leaders don't: that from Hellary Clinton on down, voters got the democrap message all too loud and clear. And soundly rejected it. Party strategists refuse to accept that, saying that accepting and facing the truth isn't what George Soros is paying them for.

              
My pet rock is getting no closer to a Pulitzer, but he might get a dubious mention in an upcoming Bloom County...as Bill the Cat's geologic twin.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

#1300 Ain't A Lucky Number

Katie shore don' think so.

Yes, this is post 1300.  Unbelievable.

I'm sure that Bannister Evans Thomas won't be all that pleased to be a part of it.

But he is.

Read his well-worn opening gambit:

EVANS THOMAS LAW FIRM
SOLICITORS & ADVOCATES
No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {richardkc1166@yahoo.com.hk}

Dear Friend

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a surprise.This is
because we have not met before but I am inspired to sending you this email
following the huge fund transfer opportunity that will be of mutual
benefit to the two of us.

However, I am Barrister Evans Thomas Attorney to the late Engr.Ronald
Johnson, a national of Northern American, who used to work with Shell
Petroleum Development Company(SPDC) in Nigeria . On the 11th of
November,2008. My client,his wife And their three children were involved
in a car accident along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident,
Since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate
any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his
relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but of no
avail, hence I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and
property left behind by my client,I can easily convince the bank with my
legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my client.
Otherwise the Estate he left behind will be confiscated or declared
unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were
lodged.Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at
about $15 million U.S dollars(Fifteen million U.S.America dollars).

Consequently,The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or
have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over several
years now.I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the
deceased,so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million U.S
dollars can be paid to your account and then you and me can share the
money. 55% to me and 40% to you,while 5% should be for expenses or tax as
your government may require.  


I have every reason to believe that as surprised as my character was supposed to have been to receive this email, Bannister Evans Thomas will be just as surprised by what my character dun widdit:

From: Barr. Evans Thomas <smilearchdental@smilearchdental.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2017 1:06 AM
Subject: Boom lacka lacka lacka boom

 

EVANS THOMAS LAW FIRM
RODENT FALLATORS & ADVOCATES
No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {richardkc1166@yahoo.com.hk}

Tacka Tallawhacky Brown

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a wet dream triggered by visions of Nancy Bela Pelosi dildoing a fire hydrant.

You need better dreams.  This is probably because you use substandard hallucinogens at work.

WTF is up with that?  Doesn't Obolascare give you the cheapest in hallucinogens?

Be that as it might never had been if you'd growd a brain, I am Bannister Evans Thomas, Atturkey-at-law, representing asordid Northern Americans whose names I lifted from a Minnysoda rural phone book.  Being from Nigeria, I have little else to do but that, finger my bung hole, write assorted incantations to the Nigerian illuminincompoop baphomet Ogun Douche Canoe, or play like I'm a real atturkey like you seed on Law & Odor. 

But I do believe I am digressing...I am working off a badly writ talking points list and I am to tell you that I am reprehensing a Northern Americans who used to work with Smell Petroleum Jelly Development Company(SPJDC) in Nigeria.   On the 11th of Never in 2016, my client, the goat he married in a bizarre ceremonkey and their three marmots were involved in a plain crash when the yak cart they were riding in was incredibly lost -- we don't have yaks in Nigeria -- and crossed in the path of the only Boeing 747 to land at the international airport outside of Lagos in the past 25 years. 

 The plain didn't hit them; but it scared the yak so bad that it unleashed a monumental fart at the very moment the jet engines were in immediate proximity, igniting the fart and frying everyone in the cart.

The post accident BBQ was enjoyed by all but a couple from the UK, who are still vomiting.

Since then I have made several inquiries to several movie and TV producers about doing a weekly sitcom about it called Yakity Flak, but so far I am unable to locate any producers willing to front the idea.  I wasn't even able to get Berkeley Breathed from Bloom County or Trey Parker and Matt Stone from South Park to bite on an episode.  The Kardashians expressed some interest as a way to boost sagging ratings, but who wants to be involved with ol' Liberty Bell Butt?

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace the events of that day back to a common demominator, but Barbara Billingsley isn't returning my calls.  Snooty hollywad stars...even when dead they're stuck up.

Thus with all other avenues blocked by construction and cone zones, I contacted you to assist in this rather dubious affair.  Since everyone here is dumber than a door knob, I can easily convince the bank with my shady and unethical legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my fried and et clients.  Otherwise, Brian Williams will be claiming he was here when it all went down, and that he's entitled to one half of Kim Kardashian's butt to co-anchor with him on pmsnbc.

He can have it all, but I digress.  

Consequently, I am being sued by The Cannibal Channel for failure to invite them to the BBQ involving my clients.  So I need a new client to hopefully pay for whatever it'll cost me to deal with them.  They charge by the ounce.

All I require is your gullible cooperation to enable us see this deal make it on a YouTube viral expose that shows you to be a real twat waffle.  In keeping with that notion I need the swallowing from you:

Your Full Name:
Your House Address:
Your Tele-phone And Fax No:
Your Age and Gender :
Your Nationality:
Your Occupation:

I guarantee that this will be executed in the most heinous manure possumbull -- better than Kim Jong Un can imagine -- and under an illegitimate arrangement that will protect me from you in case you grow a brain before I can pull this off.  Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email { richardkc1166@yahoo.com.hk }

Hooha,
Bannister Evans Thomas . { SAN }

Of all the replies the scammer could have sent -- including taking the option of none -- he picked the wrong one:


I am not eating peoples you jerk.  


So you prefer to knaw on them one at a time?  You should have chosen the path of the zombie, which only wants to eat brains.  Then again, that's why you chose what you did.  See what I just did there?


Stop writing me.  


I didn't write 'me'.  I wrote you.  You're not going to make a good zombie at this rate.  


The good bannister had had enough repartee with my character after that...yes, ol' 1300 wasn't lucky for him. 

Even The Desktops Are Stupid

I'm pretty sure that the desk pictured here is waaaaay smarter than the latest talking desk I'm hearing from.

Gideon Masie, claiming to be from Barclay's Bank in the UK -- and the latest scammer I'm hearing from making that claim -- started out like this:


 ON THE DESK TOP OF     GIDEON MASIE
      BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND

Hello sir,
In reference to your funds which was forwarded to us here ( BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND) FOR FURTHER VERIFICATION AND AUTHENTICATION .    We want to come to your notice that after due verification, we found out that your fund transfer was done through non existing banking process based on open tender policy.   As a matter of fact, the transfer which was attempted several times with different beneficiaries was believed to be a floating fund without a good clam of ownership.

On this regard, I, Mr.Gideon Masie is now your new bank officer.   I will work well with you but I love transparency in every thing I do. You will have your money but due to the errors committed in the past, some areas need to be clarified for the security of the fund, As soon as 100% guarantee is achieved,this is to know is the fund in question is a payment for drug transaction ,money laundry or things related to that.once this is done, I have no any other option than to forward your money to any accounted provided  We are sorry if this in one way or the other will affect you but there is nothing we can do than what is necessary  for security reasons.

DONT BE AFRAID TO RELATE TO ME OF WHERE YOU ARE HAVING PROBLEM
YOU MAY CONTACT ME ON MY PRIVATE EMAIL
gideonmasie@yahoo.com

GIDEON MASIE BARCLAYS BANK OF ENGLAND  


So instead of "from the desk of", it's now "on the desk top of".  Okay, fine:  let's have at it:


Why would I want to converse with your desk top?  


That apparently so confused ol' Gideon, he sent me this reply three times:


Sir,
I did not understand your question. I am writing as your new bank officer. Please forward to this office your full data ,ID and bank details
GIDEON  


I simply why would I want to converse with your desk top.  Just what is on YOUR desk?  


Hope you don't mind forwarding the required documents for further processes.
GIDEON  


I wouldn't mind if I knew what the f**k you were talking about.  What documents?  What are they?  


At your services any time you are ready  


You are?  At my services?  Anytime I'm ready?  Okay, I'll play:  what services are you at?  


Read my mail on 20th  


When, the 20th of next month?  If you mean for me to READ your mail of the 20th, stop being dumber than a door stop and say so. 


There is no needs for you to be insulting.  Read my mail on the 20th.  


Fine, I'll get back to you on the 20th.  Anything else, Poodle Lips?  


Please read again my mail on the 20th. Stop make fun of me please.  


I already told you that I'd read your mail on the 20th just like you've asked.  I'll bet you're the same bank that offers free toasters to new depositors and then reneges on that offer, aren't you?  

I write nothing about a toaster.  PLEASE read my mail on the 20th and get back to me with what is needed.  This delay is not good.  


How many f**king times do I have to tell you that your request of my reading your mail on the 20th will be done when the bloody 20th comes around next?  If that isn't what you meant, bloody clari-f**king-fy yourself and don't you DARE renege again on the free toaster offer.


Did you read my mail on the 20th or not?  I said no thing about toaster.  Are you going to follow instructs or not?  


Today is the 29th, Numbnuts.  You said for me to read your mail on the 20th.  That's 23 days from now.  And I see that you and your bank are indeed reneging on your free toaster to depositors with new accounts again.  How can you POSSIBLY think that making and withdrawing such offers is good business for Barclay's?  Are you a moron by birth or choice?  Never mind...in re-reading our correspondence, you've already answered that.  

you are insane.  dont contact me more.  


My only insanity was believing your desktop was capable of delivering anything of value, including a free toaster.  Now I know why your desktop started this conversation...you certainly educationally up to it.


That got my character one last email response from ol' Gideon...but it was a reply with no text.  Left him textless, I guess.

Anyway, I'm marked my calendar...when the next 20th rolls around, I'll let him know I read his email on the 20th...and demand my toaster.
 

Liars, Tiggers and Poots Oh My

He ain't the only one that hates when that happens.

Scamstress Janet Brown isn't much of an admirer of it any more, either.

It all started out innocently enough *wink* with this email from herself:


Hurry now and claim your fund from the Central Bank of Nigeria or your fund will be confiscated by the wicked officials of the CBN.

My name is MISS. JANET BROWN, I am a Computer Scientist working with Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am 25 years old, just started working with CBN.

I came across your payment file marked X and your released disk painted RED. I took time to study it and tried to find out why the funds were not released to you. Those evil officials can never tell you the truth that they won't release the fund to you; instead they allow you spend your hard earned money unnecessarily.

I do not intend to work here forever; I can help you claim your fund if you can certify me of my security and assure me that you would compensate with me after you must have received your payment. I must do this because you need to know the status of your payment and cause for the delay. This is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria and you may not understand because you are not a Nigerian.

The only thing needed to release this fund to you is the Original INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER PERMIT (ITP), which will be tendered to any of your nominated bank and the Internal Revenue Service IRS for clearance of the transferred amount in your account.

Once the Original TRANSFER PERMIT Certificate is secured, fund will immediately reflect in your bank within 24 HOURS. The only authorized and sincere person who will issue you the Original Documents is Dr. Ibrahim Bello. Make sure you indicate your file letter X and tell him its painted color Red so he will be able to recognize your file. The president made a compensation fund release for all unpaid beneficiaries/contractors and scam victims.

Therefore, you are going to receive a total sum of $2,700,000.00 (TWO MILLION SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS) for this year 2017 as recorded in your file here and will be transferred to your bank account as soon as the Original document is obtained.

Do get back to me ASAP through this ( etuh009@gmail.com )  if you are still interested in claiming your fund so that I can give you further direction and contact of Dr. Ibrahim Bello.  


Uh huh.  'Cept that ain't what went back to her, after my pet rock, Seymour, got done with the edit:

From: Janet Brown <info@fara-control.com>
Sent: Monday, May 22, 2017 12:50 PM
To: Recipients
Subject: PLEASE READ AND DO BELIEVE IN SPOOKS AND THINGS THAT GO POOT IN THE NIGHT  !!!

 

Dear Dark Wing Phuck,

Hurry now and claim your fund from the Central Bank of Nigeria or your fund will be confiscated by the wicked witch of the west  who are married to the officials of the CBN and a shriveled dork from Ellendale, Queen William.  They got the beeyotch a raincoat so she wants a return match with Dorothy and that little ankle biter of hers.

My name is MISSUS. JANET BROWN, I am a Compooter Slyentologist working with Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN). I am 25 years old, just started working with CBN and I am a budding sawng writer.  Just look at what I have a tune in my head for:

Missus Brown (that's me) you've got a lousy ploy here..

scams as bad as this are rectal itch...

It's so sad...this thing won't fool a yak...

I showed this mail to one

and all it did was moooo (in Russian)...


I came across your file marked expert and realized why yours was painted RED:  "x" is the unknowd factor and 'spert is a drip of water under pressure.  No need to thank me for making you feel illuminated this day. It's what I do:  I live but to serve, except in tennis:  every time I charge the net, my panties fall off, and the gallery ain't cheering an ass like mine.

I do not intend to work here forever; I hear that Nancy Pelosi is hiring an assistant who will shovel botox up her ass to maintain her youthful appearance, and this is just up my alley, after having had to work for a rain slickered wicked witch that cackles and leaves hair pins scattering in the air everytime she suddenly takes off in one direction or another.

Annoying beeyotch.

After having taken a dozen different online courses through asordid online eunuchversities here in Nigeria, among other things I am now certified in helping you regain your virginity.  For a modest fee, of course:  I must do this because I've got stunted loans that rival the size of Hellary's thighs.  This is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria and you may not understand because you are not a Nigerian, and we don't understand because they cancelled The Sopranos before we could get the gist of it all.

The only thing needed to defeat the rain slickered wicked witch of Chappaqua is the Original INTERNATIONAL TRANSFER PERMIT (ITP) and a fire hose.  Tell Dorothy that she'll need more than a bucket this time.

Once the Original TRANSFER PERMIT Certificate is secured and Dorothy has her a fire hose with plenty of psi, the world odor will be in stink, all will be well wunst agin, I can achieve fame as a sawng writer better than Lisa Kudrow and it will immediately reflect in the 2018 Grammys, when I get to stand up before my peers and make fun of Madonut. The only authorized person who will issue you the Original Documents is Dr. Ibrahim Bello. But don't trust him, because he is a raving twat waffle and douche canoe after years of meth and sucking on Yugo exhaust pipes in Lagos back alleys.  

Therefore, you are going to need to get Dorothy that fire hose ASAP.

Do get back to me ASAP through this ( etuh009@gmail.com )  if you are still able to access a good fire hose and want to hear more of my sawng writing prowess.

Yours exceptionally insincerely,
MISS JANET BROWN

 The scammer was apparently left speechless by the edit and nothing further for ol' Seymour.  As for The Wizard of Oz....I hear the flying monkeys are looking for Seymour..

"Are NOT!!!! PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

Missled Again

Leave it to my pet rock, Seymour, to lead with a photo that's got elucidation upcoming.

"It's got WHAT???  PHFFFFFFT!"

Seymour also has a twisted sense of humor.

"Do NOT!!!"

Seymour is always on the lookout for articles about North Korean dipstick Kim Jong Un.  And he never has far to look.

In a Reuters article, the reporter is vexed about the ever growing North Korean missile threat to Alaska.

No mention of what one US nuclear attack sub could do to Pyongyang, if the moronic Pudgmeister were truly that stupid.

However, the lamestream news mediocres need things besides Trump to get their panties in a wad over.

And therein, Seymour found editing Heaven:

Can U.S. defend against North Korea missiles? Not everyone gives a raunchy fart

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

WASHINGTON (WTFNS) - Not everybody is as complacent as the Pentathalon that the U.S. military can defend the United States from the growing threat that North Korea might get a missile to actually fly and hit a suburb of Bakersfield.

Pyongyang's first test on Tuesday of an ICBM with a potential to strike the state of Confusion has raised the question: does it come with a side of egg rolls?

Debriefing reporters on Wednesday – and hiding their briefs – Pentathalon spokesman Navy Captain Jeff Davis said: "We do have confidence in our ability to keep Kim Jong Un from convincing Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make another Team America World Police sequel that stars Un."

Davis – no relation to Marvin Zugspitz – cited a successful test in May in which a U.S.-based interceptor prevented a three peckered goat from knocking up a convent full of virgin ewes But he acknowledged the test program's track program was not perfect.

"It's something we have mixed results on. We missed the three peckered yak," Davis said.

An internal memo seen by WTFNS on Wikileaks – as obtained from Hellary's basement email server – also showed that the Pentathalon downgraded its assessment of cnn credibility after they ran with the three peckered goat story.

Despite hundreds of billions of dollars spent on figuring out what kind of bathroom a genital-less Ken doll would want to use, the United States may not be able to seal itself off entirely from future stupid TV shows about the Kardashians.

Experts caution that U.S. missile defenses are now geared to shooting down incoming missiles. What happens if North Korea's technology actually advances, and they attack with flying twat waffle irons?

"Over the next four years, the United States has to figure out who is making flying twat waffle irons and why they're selling them to North Korea," said Riki Tiki Twatwaffle, founder of the Flying Twat Waffle Iron Defense Advocacy Alliance. 

MIXED RESULTS

The test records of the Schmesla self driving golf ball, charged with the mission to develop, test and field a self driving golf ball, have no idea what they're doing in this article.

Since President Barack Obola's misadministration in the 2008s-20teens, the U.S. government has spent more than $200 billion to develop and field a range of gender neutral bathrooms, according to the Congressional Frivolous Research Service.

Funding for cable and satellite signal blockers to keep the Kardashians off the air was on average $8.12 billion during President Barack Obola's administration that upended long before Jan. 20.

'ANOTHER YEAR OR TWO'

Last month, Vice Admiral James T. Quirk, then director of the Star Trek In Perpetuity Movie Sequels Advocacy Group, told a congressional panel that North Korea in the past six months had caused him raunchy gas.

"However, it will probably require another year or two of gestation before Kim Jong Un gives birth to whatever he's carrying, particularly since he isn't physically wired that way," he said.

Michelle MaBell, a subject of a Beatles song, said that although North Korea was several hundred steps from creating a dependable news service, "They are absolutely well ahead of cnn in credibility", she chuckled.

The DNC petulantly refused to comment, not wanting President Trump to do a video that has him body-slamming their decaying icon next.  


I think that Seymour has given up on winning a Pulitzer; but he has some curious thought that cnn might actually hire him if they ever read any of these posts.

"Do NOT!!!!"

Bill, Melinda & Me

Awwwwww.  Ain't that nice.

Out of all the billyuns and billyuns of folks on this h'yar orb, Bill and Melinda Gates have selected my character -- along with 9 other assorted sots -- to receive a tad of their largess.

Take a look:

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation <"www."@eos.ocn.ne.jp>

Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation <"www."@eos.ocn.ne.jp>

   

CHARITABLE DONATIONS

You have been gifted $5 MILLION USD From Mr Bill Gates. Contact me at this email for your claim: detectivesuc@yahoo.com

I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a sum of $5,000,000,00 USD, our information below is 100% legitimate, please see the link below:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Bill_%26_Melinda_Gates_ Foundation

I BILL GATES and my wife decided to donate the sum of $5,000,000,00 USD to you as part of our charity project to improve the 10 lucky individuals all over the world from our $65 Billion Usd I and My Wife Mapped out to help people. We prayed and searched over the internet for assistance and i saw your profile on Microsoft email owners list and picked you. Melinda my wife and i have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see. as you could see from the webpage above,am not getting any younger and you can imagine having no much time to live. although am a Billionaire investor and we have helped some charity organizations from our Fund.

You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, Before we die we decided to donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the red cross, Haiti, hospitals in truro where Melinda underwent her cancer treatment, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, alzheimer's and diabetes and the bulk of the funds deposited with our payout bank of this charity donation. we have kept just 30% of the entire sum to our self for the remaining days because i am no longer strong am sick and am writing you from hospital computer.and me and my wife will be traveling to
Germany for Treatment.

To facilitate the payment process of the funds ($5,000,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to you, you are to send us

your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............
Send the above details to this email: detectivesuc@yahoo.com
so that i can forward your payment information to you immediately. I am hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your City. please you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of poverty in your region, help as many you can help once you have this money in your personal account because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful You Can Google my name for more information: Mr Bill Gates or Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

Remain Blessed

Regards
Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation  

 

 

Isn't that precious?  And fraudulent as all get out. 

 

I'm sure that my character's response won't go too far beyond the original intent of this email.  Or then again, it might:

 

 

From: Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation <"www."@eos.ocn.ne.jp>
Sent: Friday, May 5, 2017 7:58 AM
Subject: Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation

 

CHARIOT DONATIONS

You have been gifted a replicated 180 AD chariot believed to have been used in the movie Glad He Ate Her, courtesy of Mr. Pill Grates. Contact me at this email for your claim: detectivesuc@yahoo.com

I hope this information meet you well as I know you will be curious to know why/how I selected you to receive a replicated chariot circa 180 AD that was purportedly used in the aforementioned movie.  Our  information below is 100% illegitimate and infested with Tuscan crotch crickets.

 

I PILL GRATES and my wench decided to donate some replicated used chariots from the 180 AD error that saw depiction in the movie Glad He Ate Her, starring Crussell Rowe and some derelicts we scrounged up on Hollyweird back lots, as part of our parody project to do nothing substantive for 10 sucky individuals all over the world. 

 

 

  We picked this movie from all the ones we could have used because Michael Bay's Pearl Harbor sucked, and Team America World Police already did a song about that fact.  We prayed and searched over the internet for abject nippleheads like you and after I saw your profile on Microsoft email owners list, I knowd I found the most nippled of heads out there.  Malignant my wife and i have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see. 

After having shunned the needs of our immediate family members -- ingrates all -- and before we die of something like painful rectal itch, we decided to donate the remaining of our Billions to other individuals around the world in need.  Which has nothing to do with you; that's why we're giving you a movie prop from a Roman era movie that sounds like a smut movie by the title. 

Don't knock it; Haiti got t-shirts from Hellary's f**ked up 2016 crimepaign.  You're better off.

To facilitate the delivery process of the broken down Hollyweird movie prop chariot -- we were going to tell you that it was from Ben Hur, but decided on Glad He Ate Her instead -- you are to send us

your full names.................
your contact address................
your personal telephone number...............
Send the above details to this email: detectivesuc@yahoo.com

 

so that i can forward your delivery to you immediately. I am hoping that you will be able to use the broken down movie prop chariot wisely and judiciously over there in your City.   Licensing, dealer prep and options is up to you.  Please you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of poverty in my region, my reprehensible will contact you for how much it will cost you in the first place.

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful You Can Google my name for more information: Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation.  Remain a douche canoe.

Regards
Pill & Malignant Grates Foundation

 

My pet rock, Seymour, says that this edit is wrong on so many levels.  But right where it belongs with the scammers.

 

Good pet rock.