Eating Entwistles

I guess when a scammer is desperate for a score, they'll read what they want to of a reply, if not just totally skip the content of the reply and simply respond BECAUSE they got a reply.

That seems to be the case of the scammer playing the US Ambassador to Nigeria, James Entwistle.

Here's his opening ploy:


Office of the US Ambassador to Nigeria
11 Garki road Abuja
Abuja, Nigeria.
Tel: +2347084639869.


Att:Beneficiary,

Without mincing words, I am convinced 100% that you have had bitter experience with various scammers claiming to be high government officials banks and thereby defrauding you of your hard earned money the activities of these scammers has changed your perspective about conducting business on the internet and you now believed there is no genuine business that can be conducted on the internet. Well I am American and the internet was created by Americans for the purpose of creating; awareness for your products/ services and conducting genuine business with ease. I am fully committed to deliver the diplomatic consignment to you. I am a full citizen of the United States but i was on a mission here in Nigeria as a us ambassador to Nigeria.

Hence, I am making every effort to ensure that no citizen of the United States is cheated by Nigeria/Benin republic. Therefore, I need your utmost support and understanding to actualize this dream. I also want you to understand that i do trust you and i expect you to show me the same trust and respect in return since trust is a 2-way street. On the other hand, trust is a relationship of reliance. Trust also means being able to predict what other people will do and what situations will occur.

I shall be coming to your country for an official meeting on Monday and I will be bringing your funds of $5M along with me but this time I will not go through customs because as an ambassador to Nigeria, I am a us government agent and I have the veto power to go through customs. As soon as I am through with the meeting I shall then proceed to your address. (Send your cell phone number and the address where you want me to bring the package).

You have really paid so much in this delivery that makes me wonder. You are a very lucky person because I shall be bringing it myself and there is nothing anyone can do about it, your package($5 MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS) must be registered as an ambassadorial package for me to defeat all odds and the cost of registering it is $178.the fee must be paid in the next 50 hours via western union or money gram so that all necessary arrangement can be made before time will be against us. Contact me immediately for the registering fee which is $178 only.  


You get the gist.

Here was my character's simple reply:

What, the Nigerians haven't eaten you yet?  

 

 

His reply reveals a full reading comprehension *FAIL*:

 

 

Office of the US Ambassador to Nigeria
11 Garki Road Abuja
Abuja, Nigeria.
Tell: +2347084639869.

Att:Frank Unsteen,

May peace of the Lord be with you and your family over there. Thanks
for your email and explaining your mind to me. I understand you have
to be very careful before sending the money. I know you have hard some
transaction you are involved before or now but I want you to know that
this will surprise you because you will receive your fund once the
money is sent. I am a man of honor and I don't need your money for
anything.

Honestly, I am not disputing your curiosity and feeling of UN-known
fear. Obviously there are many bad people out there without human
conscience who can do anything just to get quick money that never last
and can not solve their problem. Look I am a devout Christian and my
relationship with God matters a lot because God is watching every of
our activities good or bad. I feel bad seeing people doing all kind of
silly things just to fleece innocent people their hard earn income.

Receivers Name: Paul Edu
Receiver's Address: Abuja, Nigeria.
Text Questions: To Whom?
Text Answer:Paul.
Amount: $178.
MTCN:

I shall be earnestly expecting your swift response to this mail upon
its receipt.

Thank you,
Mr. James F.Entwistle,  

 

 

So my character tries again:

 

 

Gee..all I asked was whether the Nigerians had eaten you yet.   The rest never entered my mind.  

 

 

 

 We still are not quite connecting in the reading comprehension department:

Why must I cheat you? Does that solve my problems?  Look this world does not end on the planet earth, after death come judgment.
Therefore, my relationship with God matters.  I want you to know that
there is no peace for the wicked ones and you must always be better
than them in all spheres of life.

Receivers Name: Paul Edu
Receiver's Address: Abuja, Nigeria.
Text Questions: To Whom?
Text Answer:Paul.
Amount: $178.
MTCN:

I shall be earnestly expecting your swift response to this mail upon
its receipt.

Thank you,
Mr. James F.Entwistle,
Us Ambassador To Nigeria.  

Did I accuse you of cheating me?  I simply asked you why it is that the Nigerians surrounding you have not yet eaten you.  For a US ambassador, you're not terribly bright.  

 

 

Someone finally rang a gong that 'Entwistle' heard and allowed him to understand what the last email actually said...perhaps a dinner bell?

you are disgusted.  This is too serious for child.  Are you serious or not?  


I would think that getting eaten by the locals would be pretty f**king serious, dude.  Did they do you as a tamale, brisket, BBQ or skewer?  Know that of course Hellary won't rescue your ass if Boko Harumphf gets their mitts on you, so getting et might be a worthy option.  Think of the world hunger you'll cure for at least one happy hour.  


Either that was too much for the recipient....or he got et.

Some might not, but then again, I ain't some...

The FauxBI Writes Again

The FauxBI knows all about that, too.

At any rate, yet another version of the FauxBI has written to my characters.

All of them.

And for only $400, all of them can avoid being arrested.

Read how it begins yourself:


DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
J. Edgar Hoover Building, 935 Pennsylvania Avenue,
NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 USA.

FBI.gov is an official site of the U.S. Federal Government,
U.S. Department of Justice.

Dear Beneficiary,

This is the Federal Bureau Of Investigation (FBI) using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given Since January  till this moment and you have failed to secure the required Wire Transfer Documents from Office of the Presidency as stated earlier and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you and all your properties confiscated.

You failed to comply with our directives to secure the Wire Transfer Document from Office of the Presidency and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd of July as promised and our Executive Director Mr. James B. Comey, Jr has already been notified about this situation report and to get the process completed you have to secure the Wire Transfer Documents from Office of the Presidency immediately with the help of Mr.UBA LARRY or the warrant of arrest which has been signed against you will be carried out in the next 72hours as strictly signed by the FBI Executive Director Mr. James B. Comey, Jr.

As a good Christian and a honest man, I have decided to see how I could be of help to you because I would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated, I called Mr.UBA LARRY of the Office of the Presidency who will help you secure the Wire Transfer Documents and he stated that he will assist you as soon as you send to him the sum of US$400.00 Only and I believe this process is cheaper for you.

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to send the US$400.00 to Mr.UBA LARRY who will help you secure the Wire Transfer Documents in your name because our Executive Director Mr. James B. Comey, Jr has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your Bank Account which is valued at the sum of US$10,500,000.00.  


It babbles on for a few xtree paragiraffes but ends again on the same fauxthreat of arrest and confiscation should my characters fail to follow instructions.

One of my characters was "elected" to be the official response to the FauxBI in the edit, with a symbolic middle digit raised accordionly:

From: FauxBI Office <razalenuri@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, October 28, 2016 5:29 PM
Subject: FauxBI.gov is an official scam of the Government

 

DEPHARTMENT OF JAUNDICE

FUNGERAL BURRO OF INCESTUOUSNESS
J. PAUL BAR 'N GRILL
NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 USA.

FauxBI.gov is an official scam Government,
U.S. Department of Jaundice

Dear Benef**ktory,

This is the Fungeral Burro of Incestuousness (FauxBI) using this extra large to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given Since January  till this moment and you have failed to secure the required Wire Transfer Documents from Orifices of the Clinton Crimedation as stated earlier and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you and all your properties confiscated, your pets prostituted and your wine bottle collection raped.

You failed to comply with our directives to secure the Wire Transfer Document and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 3rd of July as promised and our gutless Director Mr. James B. Chickensh*t, Jr has already been notified about this situation report and to get the process completed you have to secure the Wire Transfer Documents with the help of Mr.UBA LARRY -- a thoroughly disreputable yak muffin working at the Clinton Crimedation -- or the warrant of arrest which has been signed against you will be carried out in the next 72hours as strictly signed by the FauxBI's gutless James B Chickensh*t, Jr.

As a goat sodomizing islamofascist, I have decided to see how I could be of help because I would be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated, especially if you have goats that I get to start doing.  I called Mr.UBA LARRY of the Clinton Crimedation who knows nothing of  the Wire Transfer Documents and he stated that he will not assist you as he wants you arrested so he can get your used toilet paper collection, which he values more than the US $400.00 fee we were angling to scam you out of.

You do not need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to send the US $400.00 to Mr.UBA LARRY so that we can have you arrested because our gutless Director Mr. James B. Chickenshi*, Jr has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic with the Pringles moustache drawd on the picture.

I pleaded with the FauxBI to let me issue this arrest warrant on you because I know you're a jerk and a freak and your ex-friend is an inconsiderate and insincere fraud who meant not one word she ever said before doing something stupid for the umpteenth time because she's been dropped on her head or something.

Make sure that you hesitate in making the payment of US$400.00 to the name stated above so that Mr.UBA LARRY which will fail to help you secure the Wire Transfer Documents in your name and then after all this process has failed we can have you arrested and all your possessions cornfedscated.

Here is the information to send the $400.00 Via Money Gram:
Receiver Name.. LARRY UBA
Country..BENIN REPUBLIC
City...COTONOU
Text Question..Jerk and Freak
Text Answer..Is Actually Marie
REF_________________

Note: all the crime agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched by a grand father clock of dubious cuckoo antecedence.

For the FauxBI Office
Mr. James B. Chickensh*t, Jr
Clinton Crimedation suckup  

 

 

So far, none of my characters has been arrested or suffered any confiscation of anything.  I was rather hoping they'd confiscate the morphing leftovers from my refrigerator, before I have to shoot them (the leftovers)...

Now Everyone Can Be Happy

 

In a leftist world view, there aren't supposed to be winners and losers; just participants.  Well now, everyone can get over Election 2016 and get on with life.

 

Why?

 

On accounta cuz:

 

 

All better now.

A Pet Rock's View Of College Cupcakes

Yes, my pet rock, Seymour, has done DC.  Courtesy of his awesome friend and host, Lynn Abbott.

No, my pet rock did NOT vote on November 8, 2016.  As a mineral, he's not eligible to vote and he respects the process.

Besides, he's not a democrat.  Even dead cartoon characters can register and vote in that party.

My pet rock has become amused at some of the protests around the country by, in a lot of cases, college "cupcakes" who are totally blown away that their criminal queen Hellary didn't win what was supposed to have been her "deserved" coronation.

I seem to remember that she was supposed to have been "Inevitable Hellary" and have a coronation in '08, too...and no one (other than her) lost their cookies over it not happening.

Guess George Soros wasn't going to pay college cupcakes money to protest his other puppet.

At any rate, Seymour came upon an article about a bill being introduced by an Iowa representative that goes after colleges potentially using tax payer money to foment leftist unrest and doing George Soros' work for him.

Seymour thought it -- the article -- in need of some reality, so he gave it some:

It's a pathetic day that such a bill has to even be introduced. Then again, it's already a sad day that alleged young adults make it possibly necessary. Iowa Rep. Bobby Kaufmann probably considers it both.

According to this, Rep. Kaufmann has felt it necessary to introduce a bill meant to target colleges and universities that spend taxpayer dollars on 'trigger events' like elections, and waste those dollars – meant for education – on stupid crap like safe zones, cry-ins, as well as grief counseling for students who can’t handle the most inane of things like their candidate losing. The bill also calls for criminal charges for idiots that block highways because their widdow feewings are hurt.

I doubt this will help but for those who grew up getting participation awards:

The bill has been nicknamed the “Suck It Up, Buttercup” bill. Rep. Kaufman sums it up thus:

“I’ve seen four or five schools in other states that are establishing ‘cry zones’ where they’re staffed by state grief counselors and kids can come cry out their sensitivity to the election results,” said Rep. Bobby Kaufmann (R-Wilton) to the Des Moines Register. “I find this whole hysteria to be incredibly annoying. People have the right to be hysterical … on their own time.”

“I have no issue with protesting,” he said. “In fact, I would go to political war for anyone who wanted to protest or dissent and they couldn’t. But you can’t exercise your constitutional right by trampling on someone else’s. When they blocked off Interstate 80, they crossed a line.”

Naturally, the leftist whiners are already crying about it, that the bill (and Kaufmann) is going to stifle free speech and deny these delicate flowers the right to make their childish angst a problem for everyone:

Spokesthings – remember the demands for gender sensitivity – for the state’s public universities deny weakly that they are spending additional state resources to give hypersensitive students – traumatized by professors, cnn, the dnc, FBI and Wikileaks – a chance to melt down and go into thumb suck mode over imagined tribulations they've been told they should be traumatized by.

“I think universities are the perfect place to have turned on their ears, tax payer money wasted, and a whole generation of wusses raised that will make asses of themselves doing traumatized videos on YouBoob,” said a blithering idiot from a state eunuchversity that's dropping intellectual standards to accommodate dumbed down social engineering. “It’s where we indoctrinate stupid. It’s where we plant these silly, non-productive ideas. I consider it necessary so that the dizzying drop in ethical journalism standards at places like msnbc has a purpose.”

There was a time when universities were meant to be not only centers of learning, but a good place for healthy debate and discussion. Iowa seems to have devolved the approach of stifling one side of the debate – the side that challenges liberal nonsense – to favor the dumbed down side of a discussion or a conversation or a dialogue. It’s become leftist indoctrination, bordering on threats in some cases. A simple philosophical disagreement is greated with cupcakes screaming “CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!” before they’ll allow themselves to grow up and consider a point of view other than their reality-ignorant own.

Sounds like Iowa's lower education is happy to facilitate this one-sided conversation.  

I guess I can understand Iowa eunuchversities wanting to calm the simpering waifs:  after all, their state went to...to...*trigger word upcoming warning..*...Trump.

*Hundreds of cupcakes just wet themselves*

I and my pet rock wish Rep. Kaufmann luck with his bill.  Sounds like what's left of rationality at Iowa's colleges needs it.

Confirmed

A Failbook icon answers this well enough.

A scammer began his ploy by asking if my character's email address was good.  Read it here:

REF: CBN/LHG/OXD00091/16
PAYMENT FILE: CBN/FGN203/16.
PRIVATE E-MAIL:  mr.godemef@yahoo.com


Attention:


Can you please confirm if you are still using this email address. It would be quite pleasing if you can assure me that you are the owner of this email address so that I can give you more details about your inheritance fund with our Bank.  Due to the urgency of the meeting held today,there is presently a counter claims on your inheritance funds by your relative (Mr.Andrew Lee) who is presently trying to make us believe that you are DEAD and even explained that you entered into an agreement with him that he should claim your fund as your next of kin.

From the records of outstanding beneficiaries due for payment, your name and your email address was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding beneficiaries who have not received their payments. I wish to inform you that your part payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this notification letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding part payment is One Million Three Hundred Thousand Dolars.

Please if you did not sign or authorize him to receive your fund on your behalf, kindly reconfirm your details to enable us process your payment if you are still alive. YOUR NAME: YOUR ADDRESS: YOUR PHONE NUMBERS:

However we shall proceed to issue all payments details to him if we do not hear from you. We are sorry for any inconvenience and delay in transferring of this funds must have caused you.I wait for your urgent reply.

Thanks.

DR.GODWIN EMEFELE
EXECUTIVE GOVERNOR
CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA.
DIRECT EMAIL:  mr.godemef@yahoo.com  

My character's response was something of a buzz kill:


No I sold it to Libyan terrorists operating on Uranus as a cover for their illegal octopus sex with accordians videos.  Why?  

The *Jeopardy Theme* is still running, and no reply is forth, fifth, sixth or more coming it seems.  Guess the scammer isn't interested in dealing with Libyan terrorists operating on Uranus as a cover for illegal octopus sex with accordion videos.

I for one can't understand that...

A Scam Genital Of The Armity

When my scammer claims to be a general, I'm reminded of the movie The Dirty Dozen, where "Franco" lets Major Reisman know that he's not a general, and later Pinkley is/ain't a general.

That's kinda how it felt hearing from this general, especially with how he started out:


Hello,
I’m General Richard D Ivalah a Congolese by nationality, presently in Malaysia due to War in Syria (WTF???).
I got your email address through google yellow page.
I have a transaction involved transferring of funds amounted to US40M USD I want you to invest. Please upon the receipt of your reply, I will give you the full details on how the project will be executed; in addition I am willing to offer you Thirty percent of the total sum.
But considering the money involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction, precisely the Funds and I know that you do not know the nature of this transaction and I am sure you have not done this kind before. Therefore for us to  proceed forward to me the bellow information for proceedings:
1) Your Full Name:
2) Present address:
3) Telephone:
Yours sincerely,
General Richard D Ivalah  


Alrighty then.

Since I was getting ready for work and had limited time for edits, this one is probably not up to the standard of General George Patton's address to his troops.  Then again, it didn't need to be:


Hello,
I’m Genital Richard D Ivalah, taco supreme commoder and genital in chief of the Congolese Armity, which due to war type conditions in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, a couple 'burbs in Burntimore, Charlotte, in the RNC and DNC for differing reasons, I'm in St. Maartens, making sure none of that war like crap comes here during Happy Hour or the Sports Illustrated swim suit shoot.

So I'm a texist.  Shoot me.

I got your email address through Wikileaks, who got it from the Russians and Chinese off Hellary's Clinton's very leaky email server that wasn't wiped as clean as she thunk it wuz.  Dumb beeyotch.

Being a high falutin genital for a national armity is a horror and a placenta, but it at times leaves me wondering who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder, and other things of that nature.  Thus and as such how it come or breathed hard to be, I gots a transaction involved transferring of stuff of assorted and sundried varietals and I want you -- no, not that lemon to your left, YOU -- to incest with it and get me a gooder smell pecker cuz a genital shouldn't sound so dork.

Please upon the receipt of your reply, I will give the order to charge one hundred orders of onion rings, and perhaps by the time I get back to you, I'll know why.  I expect it to go gooder than Custard's charge of the Lite Beer Brigade during the Criminy Sakes War, which had a third less canons than a regular war but tasted marginal.

In addition I am willing to offer the first fifty callers a free onyx meadow muffin, laminated and autogiraffed by Bill Clinton's genital guitar therapist.

See why I need a new smell pecker?

Considering the monkeys involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transgenital railrude to, since maybe you record what I said to my sexretary outside a Motel 5.5 while she fallated an inflatable dump truck 20 years ago, and it'll wind up on YouBoob with Brian Williams claiming he was there under sniper fire with hellary and her lyposuction pump that can't keep up with her expanding ass.  

Now I know what you're thinking:  did I drink six shots, or only five.  Well to tell you the Baby Ruth, I kinda lost track in all this excitemount.  But being as how this h'yar is a BB gun, the most limp wristed pea shooter in the world, and will just put a funky welt on your tallywhacker, you gotta ax yourself one question:  did I feel lucky with Wicked Wanda last night? 

Finally, give you my personals below so that a record may be made of this and played backward, scaring the sh*t out of a bunch of cake cupped college stunteds in your country that need a safe blown because of trigger wards....whatever I sorta maybe just said:

 

 1) Your Full Name:
2) Present address:
3) Telephone:

At sleaze,

Genital Richard D Ivalah  

 

 

If this email winds up on Wikileaks, I'll KNOW it made it to Hellary's server...at ease.

 

 

A Note To Whiny Hollyweird Celebs

Amy Schumer and a number of her malfunctioning pals are now confronted with putting their moving boxes where their mouths are.

Uh huh.

In some ways, I'm as surprised that Donald Trump won.  In a conversation with a Libertarian friend of mine in the fall of 2015, he asked me if I thought Trump had a chance of getting even the Republican nomination.

I didn't say "when cows fly", but I might as well have.  I flat didn't see it happening. 

Nor did I really believe that it would happen, until late on the evening of Election Night, when Ohio went decisively for Trump.

I began looking for a cow-resistant umbrella.

Personally, I considered this the strangest election in my life time, with two of what I considered the weakest, unethical candidates this nation could have settled on.  At one point I referred to it as The Clown Vs The Corrupt, Unlikeable Clinton.  And while I was sure that had the results gone as George Soros, the media and 48 or so percent of the electorate believed it would -- and it was going to be bad -- I can't say that I'm totally sure it's going to be so much better this way.

Though I confess that I'm not sorry that Hellary lost and so many of the pundits went to bed with faces smeared in humble pie.

That all said...I heard an assorted and sundry collection of so called "celebrities" proclaiming that if Trump won, they were leaving the USA.  We've heard that before.  Alec Baldwin was leaving if Dubya won.

He's still here, imitating Trump on SNL.  

My own answer to all those celebs -- these pictured, and more -- was for them not to let the door hit them in the ass on the way out.

But someone on Failbook came up with something even better, and posted it for public sharing.

So I am doing so here:

Julian Kolicci "Dear Hollywood celebrities,

You exist for my entertainment. Some of you are great eye candy. Some of you can deliver a line with such conviction that you bring tears to my eyes. Some of you can scare the crap out of me. Others make me laugh. Many of you make fabulous salaries far beyond anything I'll ever earn for doing it. But you all have one thing in common: you only have a place in my world to entertain me.

That’s it.

You make your living pretending to be someone else. Playing dress up like a 6 year old. You live
in a make believe world in front of a camera. And often when you are away from one too. Your entire existence depends on my patronage.

I’ll crank the organ grinder; you dance.

I don’t really care where you stand on issues. Honestly, your stance matters far less to me than that of my neighbor. You see, you aren’t real. I turn off my TV or shut down my computer and you cease to exist in my world. Once I am done with you, I can put you back in your little box until I want you to entertain me again.

Don't whine; you live large off my patronage.

I don’t care that you think the BP executives deserve the death penalty. But I bet you looked cute saying it.

And you? Really? I’m supposed to care what the director of fluffy tripe made for gullible people thinks about global warming or gun control? Get back into your bubble. I’ll let you know when I’m in the mood for something blue and shiny.

And I'm also supposed to care that you will leave this great country if Trump becomes president? Ha. Please don't forget to close the door behind you. We'd like to reserve your seat for someone who loves this country and really wants to be here.

Make me laugh, or cry. Scare me. But realize that the only words of yours that matter are scripted. I might agree with some of you from time to time, but it doesn’t matter. In my world, you exist solely for my entertainment.

Whine, threaten to leave...you're nothing but an act to me. And your empty threats are nothing but words someone else put there for you to mouth. If you leave, it'll be as if you were never here in my world. Because unless it's on a TV, ipod, computer or mobile device, you're only here in my reality-based world as entertainment. And if you go, there's plenty more entertainment where you came from that I'm happy to replace you with.

Entertainment more mature than you're acting.  

Whatever a Trump Administration brings in the year and more ahead, anyone who wants to leave because he won, should simply shut up and do so.

None of them will be missed here.  Any more than the flying cow that missed falling on me...

A Pet Rock Edit For The Ages

My pet rock, Seymour, has been chaffing at the quartz to do another scammer email edit.

He outdone hisself with this one.

Witness the meta-edit-asis as the email goes from how it originally arrived:

Attention Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your payment file has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of this your fund of $5,5
Million usd at this moment, and they returned your payment file in our
office for us to start sending your funds of $5,5 Million usd to you
through Western union so that you will receive $5000 twice daily until
the total amount of $5,5 Million usd scheduled in our office is
completely send to you.

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving your $5,5 Million
usd from our office is due to government have not approve your fund
and also you don’t have International transfer permit
certificate(I.T.P.C) which will help you in receiving your payment
from any western union in your Area. Do not contact any office again
except our western Union to avoid mistake because your payment file
and your fund of $5,5 Million usd has been scheduled in our office
right away, what holding us not start sending your fund today is that
Ministry of Finance has not sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate, and i have already take your fund approval certificate to
office of ministry of finance for him to sign and stamp it then to
enable us start sending your fund without any delay.

As you can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we
credited for you today, track it with our website:www.westernunion.com, to confirm that your payment is (available to
pick up)

1)Senders Name:: Holly Waldon
2)MTCN Number::: 7298423178
3)Amount::: $5000.00 USD.

Track it with our website:https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/orderStatus.asp?country=CN or you
can call this number to confirm the payment of the MTCN Note that on
your reply this massage make sure you send the full information
Remember that the full details you can use to pick up this first
payment will be send to you once we receive the transfer charge of
$70.00, You have to treat urgent by reconfirming your full information
to us immediately you receive this massage to enable us start the
process of your payment immediately.

1.Your Full Name...
2.Your Address...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.Occupation.......
5.Country....
6.City.........
7.Age..........
8.copy of identity card___

Only $70. you will pay for sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate to enable ministry of finance sign and stamp your payment
file today to enable us start sending your fund to you,Contact us at
our Official E-mail Address( pay111unit@gmail.com ) and you have to
re-confirm us with your full information

once again congratulation in advance

Best Regard.Mr.Phillip William Odu
EMAIL:     pay111unit@gmail.com
Office+229 98838231  

...to what Seymour turns it into:


From: Western Benin Lets Make A Deal Office <bergenoid@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, October 14, 2016 1:24 PM
Subject: What's Behind Curtain Number Two 

Attention,

This is to inform you that your first choice -- the caramel asshole

in the clown suit and inflating a yak with helium -- has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of your first bad choice in our

version of Let's Make A Really Sucky Deal, with your host, the Monte Hall

of Benin, Ukulele Ungabangabunga. 

Now you have to choose from what's in the big furry envelope covered

in wildebeest semen, what's in Box Number 1, or Clown Suit In The Woods

Number 3, in the life sized sh*t plated Hellary butt thong, or...*drum roll*

what's behind Curtain Number 2.  

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving a prize worthy of

looters in Burntimore is due to government have not approve of your

choice of candidates for pubic orifice; that you didn't renew your

subscription of The Benin Gong Show; that your dead relatives are

not voting for hellary Clinton as suckretary genital of the UN; that

Howard be thy name; that the NBC Nightly Gnus With Brian Williams

was shot down in a hot air balloon over Uranus in 1492 and caught live

on the Hubble Periscope garnering him an Emmy, Uncle and other

relative digressions; and that Kim Kardashian was robbed by Miley

Cyrus doing a twerking pole dance with Lena Dunham and a goat

on The View, allowing Kanye West to declare that Paris Hilton is

the greatest threat to chihuahuas this side of Sheboygan.

Also, there's the little matter that you've been fracking your

septic tank with carbonated douche water and Napa Valley

now smells of vinegar and worse; that your hairy fungerer
and also your cosmic muffin don’t have Intergalactic transfer permit
certificate (I.T.P.C) which will help you to allow geese to molest midgets

in Kansas during houses falling on Hellary's sister after a tornado and

assorted hallucinogens being applied thereabouts. 

Do not contact any office again with the story that your pet ocelot ate

your home room teacher's Beatles record collection without audio that

can be played backward so that the demonics can be clearly heard.

We want to avoid mistake because another season of The Benin

Kardashians will end the government-ruined TV cable service here,

and we'll be left with Cannibal Chefs and Dancing With The

Suicide Vested Dead Terrorists in prime time.

As you can imagine, cast iron wings will not help Wiley Coyote catch

the Road Runner, but will certainly garner an Oscar Mayer or Anthony

Weiner sext for a promise of his getting to do Lena Dunham in a clown

suit portraying Whoopie Goldbrick played by his ex-wife.

 

You have to treat urgent by reconfirming that you're a six fingered

twat waffle to us immediately so that we can publish this in the only

working outhouse left in Benin...a lot of toilet readers are counting

on you.  Start by sending us your:

1.Your Full Name...
2. What You're Full Of...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.What's Occupied Your Shorts Lately.......
5.Country....
6.City.........
7.Age..........
8.Copy of anyone's identity card cuz we're running short.....

All this and less for only $70.  You pay this and we'll know that you're

a certifiable twat waffle and no smarter than a tree stump in the

Kardashian family tree stumps.  

If you has questions, comments, audible belchs or farts concerning

this email don't feel free to contact us at
our unofficial E-mail Address ( pay111unit@gmail.com ) and you have to
re-confirm that goat sex in the Middle East is only R rated in the Democrapic

National Committee video room.

 Mr.Phillip William Odu until next Thursday when he becomes Mrs Wilhemina Idid

for a duet with Miley Cyrus, a pan flute and can of tuna
 EMAIL:     pay111unit@gmail.com
Office+229 98838231

 

Now, the originating scammer wanted apparently nothing to do with the edit or the person/mineral what dun it.  However, one of the recipients to the edit was not quite sure how to react:


OK HERE I AM
HON MR.MARK SMITH  

That's good.  We should all be somewhere.  


YES WHAT DID YOU MEAN PLS  

Did you read the email?  If you read it then you would know what I mean.  If you didn't read it, read it so you'll know what I mean.  If you read it but didn't understand it, say so and I will explain it more clearly (like that email edit is explainable in any way, shape or form, but I don't think it matters with Mr. "WTF" here).

Then he finally read the email and that ended that...for now.

At any rate, this was a Seymour edit for the ages, and will most certainly get Lena Dunham upset because Seymour didn't hit on her.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

JP Mallardjusted

Perhaps AFLAC should hire THIS duck, instead.

When you get a scam email from an outfit like JP Morgan Chase, now that's something.

*Yawn*

At least, that's what the scammer was hoping would be the recipient's reaction.

'Cept he ran into my character as the recipient.

Here's how the scammer tried to play it:


JPMorgan Chase Bank, 112th & Broadway Branch
Full Service Brick and Mortar Office
2875 Broadway
New York, NY 10025

Lobby Hours
Mon-Fri::: 8:30 - 6:00
Sat::: 9:00 - 2:00
Sun::: Closed

This is Mr Robert Justin From JPMorgan Chase Bank New York,I want to
let you know that your fund of $7.5 Million was brought to our bank here
in New York by one Delivery Agent from Benin Republic,According to the
Delivery Agent he said that he cannot be able to complete the delivery
of your cash consignment box of $7.5 Million to your address due to one
reason or the other that is why he brought your fund here to be
transferred into your bank account by JPMorgan Chase Bank New York USA,

I want to let you know that we have finished every arrangement
regarding the transfer of your fund of $7.5 Million into your bank
account as was instructed by the Government of Benin Republic and we are
ready to transfer your fund into your bank account but the only thing
delaying the transfer of your fund into your bank account now is that
the IMF are demanding for IMF CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE before your fund
will be transferred into your bank account,The obtaining of the IMF
CLEARANCE PAPER will cost $299 only and they said that the IMF CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE will be obtain from the Origin Country Benin Republic,I want
you to be 100% assure and guarantee that your fund will be transferred
into your bank account as soon as soon as you send the only fee $299 for
the IMF CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE,And be rest assure that the $299 will be
the only and the last fee you need to send in this transaction and your
fund of $7.5 Million will be realeased into your bank account and if any
other fee is requested after you send the only fee of $299 I Mr
Mr.Robert Justin will personal resend your money back to you and if i
fail to do so let the Authorities arrest me,

So all you need to do is to go ahead and send the only fee of $299 to
the Country of Origin Benin Republic so that the IMF CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE will be obtain and your fund will be transferred into your
bank account as was instructed,The fee of $299 is the only fee you are
expected to pay and no more fee after that until your fund of $7.5
Million is completely transferred into your bank account,

You are instructed to send the only fee of $299 to the Country of
Origin Benin Republic through Money Gram only with the information below
ok,

Receiver Name:: Smith Anekwe
Address:: Benin Republic
City: :::Cotonou
Amount:::::::: $299
Question:: God
Answer:: Bless
Senders Name:

Best Regards
Mr.Robert Justin
JPMorgan Chase Bank  


And my character didn't even sneeze.  Nor did my character duck the edit...and not exactly AFLAC style:

JPhuckMorganChaseWenchAroundPole Bank, 112th & Broadway Branch
Full Service Prick and Mortar Office
2875 Broadway
New York, NY 10025

Lobby Hours

Rest of Building  is someone elses

This could be Mr Robert Justin From what passes for a bank...it is a bank..

herein we call it JPhuckMorganChaseWenchAroundPole  Bank New York,

I want to let you know that a duck was brought to our bank here
in New York by one Delivery Agent from Benin Republic; according to the
Delivery Agent he said that he cannot be able to complete the delivery
of your duck to your address due to one reason or the other, which is at

least two reasons if it's one or the other...yes, that adds up to two.  I work

at a bank so I should be able to count at least that high.

So we have your duck at JPhuckMorganChaseWenchAroundPole Bank New York USA.

I want to let you know that we have finished every arrangement
regarding the transfer of your duck to your address as was instructed by

the Government of Benin Republic and we are as always ever ready

to do the bidding of the Government of the Benin Repugnant when it

concerns delivering of ducks. 

The only thing delaying the transfer of your duck to your address now is that
the IMF, UN, FBI, CIA, WTF and a yak knitting class are demanding for 

DUCK CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE before your duck will be transferred to your

address.  The obtaining of this preposterous CLEARANCE PAPER will cost $299

only unless you ordered two ducks and then it will cost $299 twice which is more

than I can count on my abacus with ten fingers.  The  CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE will be obtain from the Origin Country Benin Republic,I want
you to be 100% assure and guarantee that your duck will be transferred
to your address as soon as soon as you send the $299 for every duck and
the required CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE for every duck ordered.  And be rest

assure that the $299 will be required every time you want a duck from us.

Cross my fart and hope to genitally marinate if I am send you a faulty

duck that's mallardjusted, so all you need to do is to go ahead and send

the $299 to the Country of Origin Benin Republic so that the CLEARANCE
CERTIFICATE will be obtain and your duck will be transferred to your
address soonest.

You is, were, are and will forever so after be instructed to send the only fee

of $299 to the Country of Origin Benin Republic through Money Gram only

with the information below ok:

Receiver Name:: John Jacob Jingle Anus Smith
Address:: Benin Republic
City: :::Cotonou
Amount:::::::: $299
Question:: Duck
Answer:: Quack
Senders Name:

This email has been checked for malware, spyware, tableware, dinnerware,

eveningware, whatever the f**kbeware, and it is assured to have a little of

each herein, someware.

Mr.Robert Justin
JPhuckMorganChaseWenchAroundPole Bank New York

"We might chase Miley Cyrus; not Lena Dunham.."  

 

 

I think even the AFLAC duck would duck Lena Dunham...

It's All Coming Up Edits

The scam can't be any weirder than a random empty Coke bottle dropped by the gawds on the backward.

Then again, yes it can.

Here's one reputedly from the US Federal Reserve:

Headquarters: New York, NY, United States of America

Founded: 1914, New York City, New York, United States

ADDRESS: 33 Liberty St New York , NY 10045-0001

TEL: +1 626-404-7025

From the Desk of Mr William C.Dudley

Attention Dear Jack, Greetings From Federal Reserve Bank New York and United States Integration, am hereby to inform you that an alert come to us today from United Nation Official through the help of Federal Bureau of Investigation {FBI}. And according to the reporter, World bank organization together with United State Embassy Benin Republic, have approved to compensate You as a scam victim with the Sum of $25.5miilon, and your email address was found among the 10 lucky beneficiaries,meanwhile the fund will be release this week as soon as the beneficiary meetup/comply with the instruction/requirements.

We apologies for the delay of your payment and all the inconveniences we might put you through, while we were having some minor problems with our payment system which in all case not meeting up with fund beneficiary payments, we apologies once again.

From the records of outstanding contractors due for payment with federal Government of U.S.A your name was discovered as next on the list out of the 10 outstanding contractors who have not yet received their payments during the 3 years tenure of the previous administration in office please bear with us for making this initial contact through email. Meanwhile, a woman came to this bank a few days ago with a letter claiming to be your true representative and is willing to pay For the wire/transfer charge of $109 to have the fund delivered to her. Here is her information’s below.

Name: Mrs.Annette stillman

Bank name: Citibank , Arizona , USA .

Account Number: 6503809008

Routing number: 322271627

Swift code#:WMSBUS66

Address: 1723 Palmdale Bulv

Palmdale ca..93550

Please do reconfirm to this bank as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you or not so that the federal government will not beheld responsible for paying into wrong account, if this woman is not your representative, you requested to fill and send this information’s for verification purpose so that your fund valued ($25.5millon) will be remitted in to your nominated bank account.

Kindly reconfirm to the bank the following

1. Bank Name:

2. Bank account number:

3. Route number:

4. Swift code:

5. Bank name:

6. Company name:

7. Position:

8. Address:

9. Working Id/ int’l Passport

10. Age:

11. Your telephone number

Secondly,the law stated that every beneficiaries will take care of the expense base on your favorable means of receiving the only money you have to pay for the transfer to take place is just $109 being the approval payment certification from the American Embassy office in Benin Republic,and you are giving a limited time to send the payment.

As soon as the Payment information is received, your funds will be wired to your bank account directly from Federal Reserve Bank New York USA,We shall proceed to issue all payments details to the said Mrs. Annette Stillman if we do not hear from you within the next three working days from today. We are sorry for any inconvenience the delay in transferring of your fund must have caused you.

You alerted reply urgent

Sincerely.

Mr. William C. Dudley

Director Federal Reserve Bank

33 Liberty St New York , NY 10045-0001  

 

 

So very VERY believable, right?

 

Well, the edit changes up that score, just as an ex-friend did with her sell out of her cred:

 

 

Hindquackers: New York, NY

United States of America which was Founded: 1914

when I taked wrong toin at Albequerque

ADDRESS: 33 Liberty St New York , NY 10045-0001

TEL: +1 626-404-7025

From Mr William C.Dudley or his smart as a door knob desk:

Attention:   Greetings From Hairy Fungerer or Cosmic Muffin Reserve Bank New York and United States Imitation.  am hereby and herein to inform you herefore that an alert come to us today from United Nation Official through the help of Federal Bureau of Investigation {FBI}.  After a further series of adding here to assorted and sundried words, we the shit out of the alert and left it looking like a used Yugo in a Benin monkey sex parlour parking lot. 

And according to the reporter, there is a tape of Donald Trump saying sexual things to a woman from 1998 that will probably upset Hellary; then again, Hellary would be upset by any woman that looks better than her, which is 99% of the rest of the world's women. 

Meantime in the Benin Republic, the local Walmart there has a special on flying twat waffle irons when you open an account with anything OTHER than West African francs; if you have plenty of West African francs, you can mix them with beans, or just use the things for a totally unheard of use here in Benin:  toilet paper.

 We apologies for not knowing how to use apologies prepositionally and all the inconveniences we might put you through, while we were having some minor problems with our payment system which in all case not doing so well karma-wise after we called it a jerk and a freak, so we apologies once again.

From the records of a dead DJ from a club here 30 years ago  your name was discovered as next on the list out of the 10 names carved into an outhouse wall of having had a good time with Candy, our tri-sexual primate and current candidate for president of the US on the demoncrapic side.  We must say that you're lucky to still have your tallywhacker attached after you did Candy.  Meanwhile, a woman came to this bank a few days ago with a letter claiming to be your long lost bowel movement from Ellendale and seeks custody of the flying twat waffle iron found in the back of that badly used Yugo in a Benin monkey sex parlour parking lot.  She says you'll pay the  charge of $109 to have the flying twat waffle iron delivered to her, or a postal employee that looks like her. Here is her information’s below.

Name: Mrs. Marie Amie Williams

Bank name: Pitiblank , South Dakota, USA .

Account Number: 6503809008

Routing number: 322271627

Swift code#:WMSBUS66

Please do reconfirm to this entity as a matter of urgency if this woman is from you or not so that the hairy fungerer or cosmic muffin will not be held responsible for playing Misty for me into wrong account; if this woman is not your representative, you probably wish you'd stayed building outhouses where that you is.

Kindly reconfirm to the listening device in your toilet paper dispenser the following

1. Bank Name:

2. Bank account number:

3. Route number:

4. Swift code:

5. Bank name:

6. Company name:

7. Position:

8. Address:

9. Working Id/ int’l Passport

10. Age:

11. Your telephone number

Secondly,the law stated that every time a bell rings, she was ready after lessons from Pavlov, and that will cost you  just $109 to get her to stop that so she isn't so "ready" in the middle of a Starbucks when a cell phone rings.

As soon as the Payment information is received, we will probably foul ourselves repeatedly; this gawddamned letter hasn't worked yet, and we were pretty sure it wouldn't work after this edit, either.

You saby, kemo?  alerted reply urgent

Sincerely.

Mr. William C. Dudley or his smart as a doorknob desk

Director of bad movies

33 Liberty St New York , NY 10045-0001  

 

 

Neither Dudley nor his desk cared to respond...