When my scammer claims to be a general, I'm reminded of the movie The Dirty Dozen
, where "Franco" lets Major Reisman know that he's not a general, and later Pinkley is/ain't a general.
That's kinda how it felt hearing from this general, especially with how he started out:
I’m General Richard D Ivalah a Congolese by nationality, presently in Malaysia due to War in Syria
I got your email address through google yellow page.
I have a transaction involved transferring of funds amounted to US40M USD I want you to invest. Please upon the receipt of your reply, I will give you the full details on how the project will be executed; in addition I am willing to offer you Thirty percent of the total sum.
But considering the money involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction, precisely the Funds and I know that you do not know the nature of this transaction and I am sure you have not done this kind before. Therefore for us to proceed forward to me the bellow information for proceedings:
1) Your Full Name:
2) Present address:
General Richard D Ivalah
Since I was getting ready for work and had limited time for edits, this one is probably not up to the standard of General George Patton's address to his troops. Then again, it didn't need to be:
I’m Genital Richard D Ivalah, taco supreme commoder and genital in chief of the Congolese Armity, which due to war type conditions in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, a couple 'burbs in Burntimore, Charlotte, in the RNC and DNC for differing reasons, I'm in St. Maartens, making sure none of that war like crap comes here during Happy Hour or the Sports Illustrated swim suit shoot.
So I'm a texist. Shoot me.
I got your email address through Wikileaks, who got it from the Russians and Chinese off Hellary's Clinton's very leaky email server that wasn't wiped as clean as she thunk it wuz. Dumb beeyotch.
Being a high falutin genital for a national armity is a horror and a placenta, but it at times leaves me wondering who hit Annie in the fanny with a flounder, and other things of that nature. Thus and as such how it come or breathed hard to be, I gots a transaction involved transferring of stuff of assorted and sundried varietals and I want you -- no, not that lemon to your left, YOU -- to incest with it and get me a gooder smell pecker cuz a genital shouldn't sound so dork.
Please upon the receipt of your reply, I will give the order to charge one hundred orders of onion rings, and perhaps by the time I get back to you, I'll know why. I expect it to go gooder than Custard's charge of the Lite Beer Brigade during the Criminy Sakes War, which had a third less canons than a regular war but tasted marginal.
In addition I am willing to offer the first fifty callers a free onyx meadow muffin, laminated and autogiraffed by Bill Clinton's genital guitar therapist.
See why I need a new smell pecker?
Considering the monkeys involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transgenital railrude to, since maybe you record what I said to my sexretary outside a Motel 5.5 while she fallated an inflatable dump truck 20 years ago, and it'll wind up on YouBoob with Brian Williams claiming he was there under sniper fire with hellary and her lyposuction pump that can't keep up with her expanding ass.
Now I know what you're thinking: did I drink six shots, or only five. Well to tell you the Baby Ruth, I kinda lost track in all this excitemount. But being as how this h'yar is a BB gun, the most limp wristed pea shooter in the world, and will just put a funky welt on your tallywhacker, you gotta ax yourself one question: did I feel lucky with Wicked Wanda last night?
Finally, give you my personals below so that a record may be made of this and played backward, scaring the sh*t out of a bunch of cake cupped college stunteds in your country that need a safe blown because of trigger wards....whatever I sorta maybe just said:
1) Your Full Name:
2) Present address:
Genital Richard D Ivalah
If this email winds up on Wikileaks, I'll KNOW it made it to Hellary's server...at ease.