Old Scam Syne

Father Duffy had no part in what's coming up.  Unless Tim Conway made it so.

*DISCLAIMER:  No Siamese elephants or dwarf trainers were harmed during the upcoming edit*

When you get an email that starts with "DIPLOMATIC RONALD JOHN", you know it's gotta be a scam.

And badly writ, too.

Here's how it started:

I AM DIPLOMATIC MR RONALD.JOHN  I have been trying to reach you on your
telephone about an hour now just to inform you about my successful arrival in
George Bush Intercontinental Airport Houston Texas  (USA) with your two boxes
of consignment Box worth $12.5million USA dollars which I have been instructed
by UPS DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE to be delivered to you. The Airport authority
demanded for all the legal back up to prove to them that the fund is no way
related with drug nor fraud money,

I have presented the papers I handed to them and they are very much pleased
with the papers I presented but the only thing that is still keeping me here is
the airport delivery Tag which is not placed on the boxes, one of the Airport
Authority has advise that we get the delivery tag so that I can exit the
airport immediately and make my delivery successful .I try to reason with them
and they stated the delivery tag will cost us just $95 Dollars only to get the
two tags placed on the boxes as that tag will enable me get to your house
successfully without any interference,they scanned the boxes and found out that
the fund is 100 % spend able and accepted by any bank in the whole world.  

So all my character is tasked with doing is coming up with $95 to liberate Diplomatic Ronald John from the GHW International airport in Houston, TX.  Because, his email concludes, "Urgent Response is needed because here is very busy and hot"  

This was received on November 18th.  Busy, probably...hot?  LOL.

So as to not keep the diplomatic waiting, I had my 'editing gone wild' pet rock, Seymour, don his 'edit hat' and have a go:

On Friday, November 18, 2016 6:30 AM, MR RONALD.JOHN <lucrom001@alice.it> diplomatic'ed:

I AM DIPLOMATIC MR RONALD.JOHN.  Spare me the smartass replies about

floor mats, door mats, toilets, et al.

I have been trying to reach you on your telephone about an hour now just to

discover that my arms aren't that long and never remotely were.

I had a dream about my successful arrival in George Bush Intercontinental Airport

Houston Texas  (USA) with two bimbos for Bill Clinton -- inflatable Lena Dunham

toys -- and was arrested for importing toxic waste.  Who knew?  Okay, so everyone

around there did.

I have been instructed by OOPS DIPLOMATIC CATERER SERVICE to have a

DIPLOMATIC by BONCO delivered to you. The Airport authority demanded all the

legal OSHA required back up alarms to be attached to Whoopi Goldblob to prove to

them that she won't sit on anybody first, and that the Clinton Crimedation is no way
related with drug nor fraud money. 

Oh whoops on the latter.

I have presented the papers I handed to them and after checking my papers

they did not call me "pig" so that it appears that I am not a SNL skit and they

are very much pleased because SNL should be where The Gong Show is.

The only thing that is still keeping me here is a group of mangy looking

protesters that are blocking the runway and chanting "Who Is Paying For

Cher's move to Uranus?"  Isn't Sonny?

One of the Airport Authority has advise that we can get out of here only

after we pay $95 to mount Smash Burgers on a moveable cart and

drag it past the protesters, who'll immediately forget what they're

here for and instead take up a PETA protest after the cart. 

I try to reason with them that this make no sense when being interviewed

by cnn and msnbc people who are still in tears because Hellary appeared

on TV without make up and scared the living crap out of their sock puppet

collection.

I can not afford to spend more time here due to my pending audition on

Survivor XIX:  A WEEK IN THE BASEMENT OF THE DNC. 

On second thought, I'm fine with being delayed here.

Tell my Head Office in Benin Republic that OOPS is not the proper

acronym for UPS and that they should replace my ass with DIPLOMATIC

MR KELLY MORGAN, cuz his name is my name too...whenever we go

out, the people always shout, "who is that twat waffle douche tra la la la la".

They can call one of us names at  17139993055. 

(Here Is Your Package Unlocking CODE(AWB33XZS).  That will

allow you to inflate these rather ugly Lena Dunham toys...if you're

truly perverted.

Urgent Response is needed because here is very busy and hot
Email me :(joyj32157@gmail.com)  

This drew no response from the diplomatic, but one of my long suffering scammers did bother to reply to this thus:


WHY?  


Why NOT?  

Why not indeed ;-)

He didn't bother to inquire further.  And I don't blame him; a mere picture of Lena Dunham is nauseating enough...

A Pet Rock Edit For The Ages

My pet rock, Seymour, has been chaffing at the quartz to do another scammer email edit.

He outdone hisself with this one.

Witness the meta-edit-asis as the email goes from how it originally arrived:

Attention Beneficiary,

This is to inform you that your payment file has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of this your fund of $5,5
Million usd at this moment, and they returned your payment file in our
office for us to start sending your funds of $5,5 Million usd to you
through Western union so that you will receive $5000 twice daily until
the total amount of $5,5 Million usd scheduled in our office is
completely send to you.

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving your $5,5 Million
usd from our office is due to government have not approve your fund
and also you don’t have International transfer permit
certificate(I.T.P.C) which will help you in receiving your payment
from any western union in your Area. Do not contact any office again
except our western Union to avoid mistake because your payment file
and your fund of $5,5 Million usd has been scheduled in our office
right away, what holding us not start sending your fund today is that
Ministry of Finance has not sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate, and i have already take your fund approval certificate to
office of ministry of finance for him to sign and stamp it then to
enable us start sending your fund without any delay.

As you can see here is the MTCN Number of your first payment which we
credited for you today, track it with our website:www.westernunion.com, to confirm that your payment is (available to
pick up)

1)Senders Name:: Holly Waldon
2)MTCN Number::: 7298423178
3)Amount::: $5000.00 USD.

Track it with our website:https://wumt.westernunion.com/asp/orderStatus.asp?country=CN or you
can call this number to confirm the payment of the MTCN Note that on
your reply this massage make sure you send the full information
Remember that the full details you can use to pick up this first
payment will be send to you once we receive the transfer charge of
$70.00, You have to treat urgent by reconfirming your full information
to us immediately you receive this massage to enable us start the
process of your payment immediately.

1.Your Full Name...
2.Your Address...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.Occupation.......
5.Country....
6.City.........
7.Age..........
8.copy of identity card___

Only $70. you will pay for sign and stamp your fund approval
certificate to enable ministry of finance sign and stamp your payment
file today to enable us start sending your fund to you,Contact us at
our Official E-mail Address( pay111unit@gmail.com ) and you have to
re-confirm us with your full information

once again congratulation in advance

Best Regard.Mr.Phillip William Odu
EMAIL:     pay111unit@gmail.com
Office+229 98838231  

...to what Seymour turns it into:


From: Western Benin Lets Make A Deal Office <bergenoid@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, October 14, 2016 1:24 PM
Subject: What's Behind Curtain Number Two 

Attention,

This is to inform you that your first choice -- the caramel asshole

in the clown suit and inflating a yak with helium -- has returned back to our
office, and the government is now aware of your first bad choice in our

version of Let's Make A Really Sucky Deal, with your host, the Monte Hall

of Benin, Ukulele Ungabangabunga. 

Now you have to choose from what's in the big furry envelope covered

in wildebeest semen, what's in Box Number 1, or Clown Suit In The Woods

Number 3, in the life sized sh*t plated Hellary butt thong, or...*drum roll*

what's behind Curtain Number 2.  

Noticed for past years what made you not receiving a prize worthy of

looters in Burntimore is due to government have not approve of your

choice of candidates for pubic orifice; that you didn't renew your

subscription of The Benin Gong Show; that your dead relatives are

not voting for hellary Clinton as suckretary genital of the UN; that

Howard be thy name; that the NBC Nightly Gnus With Brian Williams

was shot down in a hot air balloon over Uranus in 1492 and caught live

on the Hubble Periscope garnering him an Emmy, Uncle and other

relative digressions; and that Kim Kardashian was robbed by Miley

Cyrus doing a twerking pole dance with Lena Dunham and a goat

on The View, allowing Kanye West to declare that Paris Hilton is

the greatest threat to chihuahuas this side of Sheboygan.

Also, there's the little matter that you've been fracking your

septic tank with carbonated douche water and Napa Valley

now smells of vinegar and worse; that your hairy fungerer
and also your cosmic muffin don’t have Intergalactic transfer permit
certificate (I.T.P.C) which will help you to allow geese to molest midgets

in Kansas during houses falling on Hellary's sister after a tornado and

assorted hallucinogens being applied thereabouts. 

Do not contact any office again with the story that your pet ocelot ate

your home room teacher's Beatles record collection without audio that

can be played backward so that the demonics can be clearly heard.

We want to avoid mistake because another season of The Benin

Kardashians will end the government-ruined TV cable service here,

and we'll be left with Cannibal Chefs and Dancing With The

Suicide Vested Dead Terrorists in prime time.

As you can imagine, cast iron wings will not help Wiley Coyote catch

the Road Runner, but will certainly garner an Oscar Mayer or Anthony

Weiner sext for a promise of his getting to do Lena Dunham in a clown

suit portraying Whoopie Goldbrick played by his ex-wife.

 

You have to treat urgent by reconfirming that you're a six fingered

twat waffle to us immediately so that we can publish this in the only

working outhouse left in Benin...a lot of toilet readers are counting

on you.  Start by sending us your:

1.Your Full Name...
2. What You're Full Of...
3.Your Tel Number....
4.What's Occupied Your Shorts Lately.......
5.Country....
6.City.........
7.Age..........
8.Copy of anyone's identity card cuz we're running short.....

All this and less for only $70.  You pay this and we'll know that you're

a certifiable twat waffle and no smarter than a tree stump in the

Kardashian family tree stumps.  

If you has questions, comments, audible belchs or farts concerning

this email don't feel free to contact us at
our unofficial E-mail Address ( pay111unit@gmail.com ) and you have to
re-confirm that goat sex in the Middle East is only R rated in the Democrapic

National Committee video room.

 Mr.Phillip William Odu until next Thursday when he becomes Mrs Wilhemina Idid

for a duet with Miley Cyrus, a pan flute and can of tuna
 EMAIL:     pay111unit@gmail.com
Office+229 98838231

 

Now, the originating scammer wanted apparently nothing to do with the edit or the person/mineral what dun it.  However, one of the recipients to the edit was not quite sure how to react:


OK HERE I AM
HON MR.MARK SMITH  

That's good.  We should all be somewhere.  


YES WHAT DID YOU MEAN PLS  

Did you read the email?  If you read it then you would know what I mean.  If you didn't read it, read it so you'll know what I mean.  If you read it but didn't understand it, say so and I will explain it more clearly (like that email edit is explainable in any way, shape or form, but I don't think it matters with Mr. "WTF" here).

Then he finally read the email and that ended that...for now.

At any rate, this was a Seymour edit for the ages, and will most certainly get Lena Dunham upset because Seymour didn't hit on her.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"