They Loan WHAT???

And I reckon that blanket there is the equivalent of a camel chastity belt.  But I digress.

Yup...gots me yet another email from another loan scammer.  Obozo must be sending billions of overprinted USD all over the place, 'cuz now the world of scammers wants us to borrow it.

At 3%.

Here's how the latest one started out; and it started as if he and I had already communicated, though I have no recollection of having done so:

WELCOME TO JAMES OWEN LOAN FINANCIAL SERVICE

Message received, well i will like to inform you that we do give out
loan/funds at 3.% interest rate, We will offer you loan as you
requested, be rest informed that we only attend to serious minded
individuals, if you are applying for this loan We will want you to be
very honest and serious about it, We will also want you to know that
getting a loan from this company is 100% assured with unlimited grace
of God.

    So it all depend on you, I will want you to fill out the
borrower's information below and return back to us as soon as possible
so that we can proceed with this transaction, Well we must let you
know that this company will highly appreciate your urgent response in
this transaction, and we shall all be in service with you to make sure
you receive this loan fast and with good faith, with grace all things
are possible so we shall invest trust and honest in this transaction.

   Qualifications On This Transaction:

  1)The Borrower must be trusted with good faith and unlimited grace
2)Even with Bad credit, we still Guarantee the Borrower the Loan with
unlimited grace in this company.
3)The Loan Can Be Granted Even With low credit.
4) Fixed Rate Of The Loan interest is 3.%.


LOAN APPLICATION DETAILS

Full Names:............
Gender:....................
Marital status:.........
Contact Address:...........
City/Zip code:..................
Country:........................
State:..........................
Age:...........................
Monthly Income:..............
Loan Amount:...................
Duration of Loan:............
Date Of Loan Needed:.............
Weekly Income:....................
Purpose for Loan:.................
Phone Number:....................
Personal Phone Number:.........
Fax Number:......................

     In acknowledgment to these details, We will send you a well
calculated Terms and Condition which will include the agreement’s of
this transaction, we will want you to fill the borrower's information
above  and return back to us as soon as possible so that we can
proceed further in this transaction.  


So let's see what he does when he receives the edit from my pet rock, Seymour, a notoriously amorous and perverse pet rock...

"Am NOT!!!"

Before Seymour digresses:

WELCOME TO JAMES OWEN LOAN RUBBER GENITALS SERVICE

jamesowen0099@gmail.com

One moment please, I receive a telepathetic message from you.

*Jeopardy Theme music*

 Message received, well i will like to inform you that we do give out loans of specifically requested genitals made out of rubber.  We will offer you the rubberized genitals of any species that you

requested, be rest informed that we only attend to seriously disturbed individuals, if you are applying for this loan We will want you to be very honest and serious about the rubberized genitals that you choose.  We will also want you to know that getting a loan of specifically requested rubberized genitals of the species of your choice is 100% assured with unlimited grace of the allah toilet paper that we use here.

It has pictures of allah being chased by a pig.

So it all depend on you, I will want you to fill out the borrower's information below and return back to us as soon as possible so that we can proceed with the making of the rubberized, species-specified

genitals of your choice.  Well we must let you know that this company will highly appreciate your urgent response in this request, because we owes people moneys.


   Qualifications On This Transaction:

1)The Borrower must demonstrate that he/she knows what genitals are
2) Even with the Borrower isn't sure what genitals are, we still Guarantee the Borrower the Loan with the unlimited grace in this company of a manatee genital.
3)The Loan of specified rubberized genitals of any species can Be Granted Even With low credit.
4) Fixed Rate Of The Loan interest is 3% compounded hourly.


GENITAL LOAN APPLICATION DETAILS

Full Names (if you have a dozen, list them all please):............
Gender (male, female, trans, bi, WTF, penguin...whatever the f**k you think you is):....................
Marital status (not that this really matters, but it tell us lots if you are married and want this sh**):.........
Contact Address:...........
City/Zip code:..................
Country:........................
State:..........................
Age (we like to know the age of our customer perverts):...........................
Monthly Income:..............
Type Of Genitals Wanting To Borrow:...................
For How Long You Want Them:............
Date You Want Genitals To Arrives By:............

How Manys You Want Of Each:..................
Purpose You Intends for Our Rubberized Genitals (try not to be too crude, but explicit may be necessary):.................

Are You Interested In Weekly Specials (like four for the price of one piranha genitals ahead of Halloween):...................
Phone Number:....................
Personal Phone Number:.........
Fax Number:......................


    In acknowledgment to these details, We will send you a well calculated mental health profile which will include the agreement’s of  this transaction, we will want you to fill the borrower's information
above  and return back to us as soon as possible so that we canproceed further in manufacturing your rubberized genitals.  

 

 

Mr. James Owens Loan Company seemed not so eager to respond to my pet rock's seriously disturbed edit.

 

"Am NOT!!!"

 

More Loans 'n Moans

The picture here is where online loans begin. 

When they are received here, this is where they end.  Granted, the volume of these out there is such that it's obvious the online loan scam still works with some really low information sorts.  And always ends badly for anyone stupid enough to think a bunch of Nigerians -- or anyone else in West Africa -- has millions to loan at cheap interest.

Though my pet rock, Seymour, thinks he can find a legitimate loan there.

"Do NOT!!!"

Of late, the loan scammers have been leaving comments at the blog, posting both fauxtestimonials from "satisfied clients" in the hopes of convincing those of you who visit here to be their next victim, as well as outright advertisements for their own loan scam.

And of course, I am all about fairness...I edit both and share them with a variety of loan scammers.

My pet rock says that proves that I am NOT fair. 

Seymour is right.

Take the latest online loan scammer for instance...here's what he placed on my blog in comments on another of my scambaits:

We give loan to private company and individuals. You can find
some vital information about the loan we offer below. In getting a
loan from our company, there are some information we need to pass
across to you before we can proceed to the application process . And
the Borrowers are to get back to me on this information so that will
can Proceed on time okay..

INTEREST RATE: In the loan we offer, we do charge 2% Interest rate.

AMOUNT GIVEN: We Give Out A Minimum Amount Of $5,000.00 to A Maximum
of $100,000.000

INFORMATION NEEDED: As for the information needed, you will need to
fill an application which contains your personal information and also
the loan information,

HOW DO I APPLY? Please fill this application form below:

LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name:....................
Country:.....................
State:..............
City:...........
Sex:....................
Phone No:...........
Loan Amount :............
Loan Duration:.................
Have You Applied Before?......................
Monthly income:.......................
..............
Occupation:................... ...........
Duration Of Loan.......................... ...........  

 

So that's what it looked like when the scammer sent it.  Here's what it looked like after I got done widdit:

 

 

We give genital lyposuction to private company and individuals.

Yes, we does that.  You can find some vital information about the loan

we offer below. Not truthful information, but vital in so far as it relates

to the scam we're running.

In getting a loan from our company, there are some informations we need

to obfuscate before we can proceed to the application process. And
the Borrowers are to get back to me on this information so that will
can Proceed on time okay.  Because Ogun say time is funny.

I don't think Ogun read that right, but everyone afraid of Ogun so no one

correct him.

INTEREST RATE: In the loan we offer, we do charge 2% Interest rate, compounded

hourly in West African francs.  We gotta get toilet paper from somewhere.

AMOUNT GIVEN: We Give Out A Minimum Amount Of $5,000.00 to A Maximum
of $100,000.000.  We actually ain't got that to loan, but what the f**k does we care

once you pay our fees?

INFORMATION NEEDED: As for the information needed, you will need to
fill an application which contains your personal information and also
the loan information.  Fill this out as if you expect to get a loan from us.

HOW DO I APPLY?   Bend over and get it right from us.  Hooba dooba.

FAUX LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name:....................
Country:.....................
State:..............
City:...........
Sex:....................

What You Last Has Sex With:................

Was It Gooder Than Say, Sodomy With Porcupine:..........................
Phone No:...........
Loan Amount :............
Loan Duration:.................
Have You Applied Before?*......................
Monthly income:.......................
..............
Occupation:................... ...........
Duration Of Loan**.......................... ...........

*  if you have, then you already know our scam and *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* you are disqualifried.

**  we already asked that, but we are Third World attention deficit disodored...  

 

 

I'm sure that sooner or later some scam legal firm will contact me about my unfair "giving the business" practices with the scammers.  I have edits ready for that, too...

 

Nigerian Illumiknotheads Cain't Git Enuff

It got the attention of camels world-wide, but not so much here.

The current Nigerian craze in email scamming IS putting forth a full effort into their Illuminati fraud.

And it might be working somewhere over the rainbow.

But not here.

What it has done is increased page visits to this blog from around the world, as the Nigerian Illumiknotheads try to be the kardashians of 419 Land.

So here's another post sure to get more visits to the blog  ;-)

Once again, here's how simple the scammer pitch is:


Are you an Intern, Scholar, Leader, or Person with notable/celebrated Talent or Resources?

The 1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you ALREADY(1) in place within Organizations we have an interest in.

http://illuminatiorder.com is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.

We do not accept any sort of "Application" from the Public, however we do take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our "work" enough seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.

Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in illuminism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in their Business and Personal Affairs.

If you are interested in the evolution of Mankind and a "mutually beneficial" future, we may be interested in working with you get in contact with us through this [GREATTEMPLEOFILLUMINATI@GMAIL.COM
+2348159645330   


And here is how easy it is to take their pitch and make it into something that the world loves to read and the Nigerians fume about:

On Sunday, September 21, 2014 9:59 PM, "greattempleofilluminati@gmail.com" had writ for them because they are Third World troglodytes incapable of anything intelligible:
 

   
Are you a practitioner of anything perverted when it comes to the ass or vagina of an animal?

The 1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you in place with animals that you can rape and sodomize.  This  we have an interest in.

http://illuminatiorder.com is the center of the perversion universe for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order.  Those of us with our heads up our asses in this Nigerian organization are working on an "Inner Head of the Odor" and hope to have something on the website soonest, with all the modalities worked out and whatever else stuffs we write.

We do not accept any sort of "Application" from the Public; then again, our blind email solicitations haven't been doing so goodest lately -- there are sons of bitches out there who take and edit them and post them and make us look worse than we already look inside of Nigeria -- however we do take note of individuals who are too stupid to do any internet research on us and write to us actually believing and hoping that we can produce any of the promised shit we say we can do, when all we truly can do is figure prod our buttholes between sodomy sessions with goats and other animals.  This is about all we have interest in.

Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in buttfingering-and-sodomy-ism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in their Business and Personal Affairs to become as Third World low life as us of the Nigerian Illumiknotheads.

Hide message history

If you are interested in the corrosion and perversion of Mankind and a "personally destructive" future, we may be interested in working with you.  F**k that...we desperately NEED TO HEARS FROM YOU or Ogun -- our fly-infested internet enforcer -- will kill us for non-productivity, and he'll rape all of our goats and animals and we won't get nothing to finger but our own buttholes.  Please not to let this happen to us, you must get in contact with us through this [GREATTEMPLEOFILLUMINATI@GMAIL.COM
+2348159645330

This has been sponsored by the Nestor Law Firm, a firm of Nigerians who want you to think that they are lawyers, instead of the vaginal warts that they really are.  For all your illegal and perverted needs, let the Nestor Law Firm be the worst collection of mugus you'll ever wish you'd never contacted.  Nestorlawfirm@outlook.com.  This is a paid for advertisement (we got to sodomize their goats to post this).    

 

 

Yeah, I know...rude, crude, and among democrats, probably not pc (other than where they're actually doing this, like at DNC HQ in DC).  But it's getting readers researching the latest craze from Nigerian 419ers, and it's pissing off the 419ers.

 

I'm good with both:  illuminating the Nigerian illumiknotheads for what they are  ;-) 

Scarred Wars

May of 1977.  Yep.  I stood in line to see this movie.  Can't remember which theatre any more; not even sure if it's still there.  Just know that we were in line for 3 hours just to get in.

At the time, it was worth it.

And I saw the '80 and '83 sequels.

Again, worth it.

I didn't see the three prequels, so I was spared direct exposure to JarJar Binks.

Almost as bad as ebola, or an obozo speech.

Of course, the whole world knows that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are at it again, attempting to resurrect the magic with Star Wars VII.

They barely got away with it in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. 

They already managed to waylay Han Solo in the process.  I hope obozocare hasn't jacked up his Medicaid too.

As the photo in the top right suggests, it doesn't matter what many of us think about this....we're probably going to see it.

Not sure what we'll see perxactly.  It might look a tad like this.  The three primary heroes, of course:

 At least Harrison still kinda sorta looks like Han Solo.

At least kinda sorta.

But what of the rest of the cast?  My pet rock, Seymour, was speculating on how the rest of the cast might appear today, 32 years after Star Wars VI.  And with Darth Vader dead, who'll take up the villainous slack?


Seymour went out online to find some answers.  And here's what he came up with.  For starters, he found what's passing for the new R2D2 (or so he says):

Somehow, I'm not buying it.

And Seymour insists that Chewbacca has aged remarkably, not to mention has expanded his horizons:

I keep telling Seymour that this is NOT Chewbacca.

"Is TOO!!!"

Whatever.

Even though both Obi-wan and Yoda are both Force-retired, Seymour insists that he's found who Lucas and Spielberg have in mind to replace them:

This, Seymour insists, is the new Yoda....and as for an aging, worn out, rode hard and put away wet Jedi ghost, Seymour insists that this is who Lucas and Spielberg insist upon filling the shoes of Obi-wan:

And I thought Yoda looked old.

Seymour also suggests that Lando Derisionan will make an appearance, as curator of the Cloud City Retirement Home for Jedi Masters:

As for the villains, Seymour says that Lucas and Spielberg found a couple of very fitting villains for Star Wars VII:  

Debbie JarJarhaid Schultz, Mistress of Dark Side Drivel, representing the evil galactic DNC*.  But wait, there's more:

Since Darth Vader is daid, meet the latest and even darker side of the Farce, DNC* style:  Ellie Vader, aka Bela Pelosi, Mistress Of Sucks.

The former Yoda, from deep in Force retirement, is amused not.

Seymour also insists that in Episode VII, Luke Skywalker will have to be very careful in his use of the Force; especially if he's had prunes for breakfast.

Hollyweird has a tendency to push sequels to the point of ludicrous.  Lucas got away with it spectacularly in Star Wars IV, V and VI.  Since I didn't see I - III, I can't say if he's worn out the string.

If Skywalker, Leia Organa and Solo can survive filming of VII, perhaps we'll have an answer on that.

*  Darkside National Committee, Debbie JarJarhaid Schultz, chairpoison.




 

The World Looks In

Periodic checks of the stats are interesting.  Hardly news worthy, but my pet rock Seymour totally flopped on his last scam edit, so it was either this or a re-tread post.

"Did NOT!!!"

When I check my blog stats, it's interesting to see who's looking in and from where.  For the week, after visits from the ol' US of A, visits from the Ukraine are running Number 2.

Must be a lot of Russkie scammers flooding in there at ol' Vlad's urging.  He sure is taking to the old Hitler playbook on trying to reconquer territory that wants no part of him.  It's a pity that the US is currently burdened with the worst fauxtus in history.  Only golf courses and welfare cheats are benefiting from ol' obozo.

After the Ukraine comes France.  Which makes sense; other than appease islamofascists who burn their cars and neighborhoods, what do the French have to do?  Drink wine, eat cheese and catch some rays, y'know.  Oddball knew.

Next up, Russia.  I guess not all of the Russian scammers are flooding into the Ukraine.  Or the lines are so long that they have time to visit from their iphones before crossing the border.

Then comes China.  Which I find interesting.  Must be those posts where my pet rock Seymour edits and makes fun of Kim Jong Un that draw them.

At Number Six is Germany.  Which I suspect is on accounta cuz I've slaughtered a few German woids in my various posts.  Like hundsfott.  Undt flieger schiesse undt schtuff liken dat, ja.

Then comes Poland...not sure why they're looking in, other than to watch for Russian scammers trying to pull a Ukraine there.

After that comes Canada.  I'm sure it has to do with any reference I've made to South Park, and the Canadian stars of that show, Terrence & Phillip, along with Scott the dick.

At Number 9 is Pakistan.  I have no idea why.  I haven't made any references to Charlie Wilson's War, or the movie Short Circuit lately.  And I am not standing here beside myself ala Fisher Stevens.

At the bottom of the Top Ten is the UK.  Which I do appreciate; the Queen is my 26th cousin, thrice removed.  I think I'm the one that got removed, but I digress.

Narrowing it down to a daily check -- and on the chosen day I have a total of 501 visits -- Australia and Belgium snuck in to my Top Ten, edging out Pakistan and the UK. 

Representation from West Africa was light this sampling period, but a lot of Nigerians, Benins, Ivory Coastians and other locations laden with fly-infested internet cafes have been taking note of my jabs and prods at the Nigerian craze on the Illuminumbnuts scams.  They keep trying to use the comments section of my blog for recruitment; I keep taking their recruitment comments and editing them.

My pet rock approves heartily.

My dream of having a visit from someone clearly identified as being in Liechtenstein hasn't happened yet.  But I am hopeful.  Switzerland does drop in now and again...close, but no avalanche.

As for anyone affiliated with isis -- or as our subpar fauxtus insists on calling them, isil -- no visits yet.  My comment section hasn't exploded or been beheaded.  I'm sure one of those camel genital warts will surface sooner or later.  I have a photo of a plate of bacon awaiting them.

Next post:  back to belittling scammers....

Here's Your Toll Road

Yeppers...them pesky Nigerwians is hard at it, cranking out more of them stupid 419 scam ideers, when they're not sitting and picking their backsides for clingers that they eat.

This one's been the rounds before.  It musta worked somewhere somehow, 'cuz they have resurrected it yet again on a mass email spamming.

Low informationers in democrap-miscontrolled bastions of FAIL might fall for it; the rest of most of us just hit *spam* followed by *delete*.

But not me  ;-)  As this one allowed for fun with the template, fun was had therewith:

Today at 12:13 AM

	EXPRESSLY PH**K EWE Pass
		Brought to you from an online scammer Disservice Center near some fly-infested internet café where traffic jams are usually ox carts lined up four in a row, stopped at an army ant crossing
	Dear custoadmer, Just so's you knowd...we be most dessertedly pissed on you.  Yeah, what that said. You have not paid for driving on a toll road. You bad.  You vewy, vewy bad.  Let us forget the factoid that you don't has a toll road near you.  Let us forget the factoid that from our fly-infested internet café, we has no ideas what a toll road is.  Let us forgets the factoid that we are stupid and pretty inept Third World email scammers.  Let us most insteadly focustrate on that we managed to email this to you, and thus in a udopian world of fairness, you needs to make hay fever in paying us for your failure to has a toll road to drive in your neighborherd.  Yes, you would rightly guess that we are ACORNs that needed to find some way to scam.  Be that ass it is...this invoice is sent repeatedly in hopes you decide not to be vewy, vewy bad...instead we hope that you is vewy, vewy stupid and believe this bullsh*t email instead of ignoring it like intelligent peoples do, 'cuz they pretty much know when they drived on a toll road. Meantime, if you are vewy vewy stupid, we urges you to please let us lay a blowjob on your bank account and in the shortest possible time.
	GET BUTTF**KED H'YAR (oh heckydarnpoo, the link got stripped..we scammers HATE when that happens; when we finds the sommanabeeyotch what sabatoogied our email scam, we gonna be sooooo pissed off at you!)
		Terms, Definitions, Colonoscopies And Other Weird Sh*t Writed In A Languish We Caint Reads H'yar | Site Map With No Legend, Directions Or GPS Sh*t | Our Complete Lack of Primate Policy On Accounta Cuz We Has Sleeps With One | Our 100% Guaranteed Phishing Policy Totally Meant To PH**K Everyone We Contact Policy l How To Tell Us How To Pound Army Ants Up Our Ass	2014 EXPRESSLY PH**K EWE PASS, a Nigerian 419er scam of dubious antecedence and equally offensive culinary and hygienic habits

The email address that this allegedly came from was no good, so I had to limit my sharing of it with 50 or so of the scammer's peers and colleagues, along with some friends of mine.  A sibling even let me know that she'd received (and trashed) the same email, and thought mine was an improvement.

 

That got a pet rock *face palm* from Seymour...

Spellcaster For Rent

A photobomb or the result of a spell caster?

Take whatever choice you wanna.

Got me an email from one who claims hisself to be a bona fide spell caster.  Makes all sorts of claims as to what his spells can do.

Iffen he has here what you wants, I reckon you can give him a try:


My name is DR OGBAKI from West Africa, am spell caster who help people in problem with their wife or husband or family issues. if you need a right place to solve your problems contact DR OGBAKI SPELL TEMPLE is the right choice. I have been casting spells with years of experience. I cast spells for different purposes like:.

(1) If you want your ex back.
(2)YOU NEED CURE FOR HIV/AIDS
(3) You want to be promoted in your office.
(4) You want women/men to run after you.
(5) If you want a child.
(6) You want to be rich.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8) If you need financial assistance.
(9) Herbal care
(10) If you can be able to satisfy your wife sex desire due to low erection.
(11) if your menstruation refuse to come out the day it suppose or over flows.
(12) if your work refuse to pay you, people owing you?.
(13) solve a land issue and get it back.
(14) Did your family Deny you of your right?
(15) Let people obey my words and do my which.
(16) Do you have a low sperm count?
(17) Case solve E.T.C.

Feel free to contact me at adaigwe@outlook.com or call +2348144882478 and tell him what you need to be solve.

Yours Faithful
DR OGBAKI SPELL TEMPLE  


My pet rock, Seymour, says I'm about to be turned into a duck billed platymanatee, on accounta what you know's about to happen next.  I think my pet rock's a tad nervous.

Well, let's see what happens when I edit the good doctor's email:


 My name is DR OGBAKI from West Africa, am smell taster who help people by tasting their farts to see what they is eated recent and how they can eats more healthably their wife or husband or family, because incestual cannibalism is all the rage here in West Africa. if you need a right place to go to solve your human sacrifice culinary problems contact DR OGBAKI SMELL TASTER is the right choice. I have been smell tasting farts with years of experience. I smell taste farts for different purposes like:.
 
(1) If you want your last bowel movement back.
(2)YOU NEED CURE FOR BEING UGLY AND HAVES YO MAMA DRESSES YOU FUNNY
(3) You want to be eating the secretary in your office.
(4) You want sheep and goats to run after you.
(5) If you want a child for lunch.
(6) You want to be eating rich celebrity like Paris Hilton.
(7) You want to tie your husband/wife up and eat on them for several weeks.
(8) If you need culinary cannibal assistance.
(9) If you needs to avoid Herbal care because you prefer non herbal human flesh eats.
(10) If you can be able to satisfy your appetite for your wife when she wants to have sex with one of the goats that chases you now.
(11) if your menstruation refuse to marry your bowel movement the day it suppose.
(12) if your work refuse to pay you for eating your secretary, help you with expense report massaging.
(13) solve a land issue and get title to eat all the peoples on the land you hunger for.
(14) Did your family Deny you of your right to eat them?
(15) Let people obey my words and do my winkee which go good with mustard, onions and ketchup.
(16) Do you have a low sperm count and want teach your sperm to count mores?
(17) Many testimonials penned by peoples I eated...penned of course before I eated them.  They thought I was there to give them foot rub. 
 
Feel free to contact me at adaigwe@outlook.com or call +2348144882478 and tell him what you wishes to eats. 

Yours Faithful

DR OGBAKI SMELL TASTER  

THIS MESSAGE BRINGED TO YOU BY THE SLIMEBAG MUGUS OF THE NESTOR LAW FIRM WHO REMIND YOU THAT WIPING YOUR HANDS AFTER PEEING AND POOPING DENYS YOU THE BEST CULINARY EXPERIENCES EVER!  nestorlawfirm@outlook.com for all your culinary needs.  

 

 

Two weeks have gone by and I ain't a duckbilled platymanatee....I think my pet rock lost money on the bet.

 

"Did NOT!!!" 

Downsized! ALERT: 2014 UPDATE!

In 2006, Pluto got 'downsized' and demoted as a 'planet' in our Solar System.

Someone at NASA was having a bad day of piles or something.

Well...Pluto filed an appeal...and thankfully NOT with the Ninth Short Circuit Court of Appeals of Laughter.

BECAUSE PLUTO WON!  It's a planet again!

In honor of Pluto's victory, I bring you my take on the cosmic injustice done back in '06, with the relieved observation that we now won't have to learn the meaning of "rack ack RACK ACK ACK!":

(originally run 8-25-06).

Downsizing: it ain't just for people anymore.

Personally, I've been downsized twice in my working career; it sucks.

Lots of folks know the drill. Some take it as an opportunity; the rest look at it like I did.

It sucks.

Downsizing usually takes place when economic conditions in a business or industry go in a direction not necessarily associated with good. The business or industry does it to make itself leaner, more competitive, more cost-effective (in theory).

So what happens when the Solar System downsizes? Well, everyone remembers how one solar system downsized when the Death Star smoked the planet Alderon in Star Wars (I, though it was technically IV).

Alderon didn't just get fired; it got the cosmic version of 86ed from the galaxy.

Well, Pluto didn't get destroyed by an alien race of angry bots; it wasn't destroyed in a cataclysmic collision with a rogue asteroid or comet. No...Pluto just got fired. Pluto's job as the 9th planet in our Solar System -- a job that Pluto has held since 1930 -- has been eliminated. Cut. Canned. Outta there.

Clean out the desk, and don't let the Solar System door hit you in the ass on the way out, Pluto.

So goes one story from August 24, 2006.

Another version holds that Pluto wasn't "fired"; it was merely "demoted". From a "classic" planet, to a "dwarf" planet (somewhere, Weird Al Yankovic is rearranging that Randy Newman song with new lyrics: "dwarf planets got..no reason..dwarf planets got..no reason..dwarf planets got..no reason to orb..").

Even the Cosmos Corporation has no milky way of starry kindness.

Funny, how they didn't demote or downsize Pluto's three moons, Charon, Nix and Hydra. How do they feel, suddenly left orbiting a has-been?

Discrimination, sounds like to me.

And who did this, you ask?

A gathering of so-called "leading astronomers", meeting in Prague, Czech Republic. To wit, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) decided that Pluto was not really a "classical planet", in that it lacks the required rules of the IAU to qualify as such: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit" (from an AP report, August 24, 2006).

Pluto is said to not qualify anymore, because it has an orbit that is oblong, causing it to overlap orbitally with Neptune.

I smell celestial bias here. Call Jesse Jackson and the ACLU*.

Actually, one rumor has it that Uranus was involved in a conspiracy with Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld. Moron.org probably has one of their crack(smoking) reporters creating documents on it now, and it is believed that Oliver Stone and Dan Rather will team up with a conspiratorial movie documentary about this in 2008.

Another rumor has it that Neptune -- periodically crossed up by Pluto -- was forever offended by some of the atmospherics in the wake of a Pluto fly-by: it is guesstimated that Pluto has a significant amount of methane both on its surface and in its atmosphere.

Translation: Pluto farts. Neptune was tired of it.

Petty vindictiveness, since Neptune is rumored to have plenty of methane of its own. But as we all know, our own farts don't stink; it's always someone elses'. Lessons from countless elevator rides, but I digress.

All cosmic pranks and Georgeak Carlinoid stand up routines aside, this decision by the 25oo member IAU does pose a rather delicate problem: in January, 2006, the New Horizons spacecraft was launched specifically to get the first true, close-up look at our 9th planet.

A planet that just got fired/demoted. And, quite possibly, farts.

As the spacecraft isn't scheduled to arrive until 2015, what to do? Allow Pluto's ego to be assuaged by going ahead and checking it out, risking further ire from Uranus, Neptune, and their Earth-bound conspiracy freaks? Or send a radio command to the probe, telling it "oh, we're not going there", and re-directing it to something else deemed more worthy of Kodak moments from nine and a half years away?

And what if the New Horizons probe isn't equipped with olfactory protection? Hundreds of millions of dollars worth of space research equipment suddenly goes belly up in zero gravity, as it catches a whiff of what Neptune found so offensive.

And Earth-bound bean counters bitch about $600 Pentagon toilet seats.

I dunno, folks. Should we start a campaign? Write our congresspersons of dubious antecedence and worse campaign ads, and demand that Pluto be restored to its rightful place at the cosmic depth chart? Demand that this IAU collection of Einstein/Carl Sagan wannabes just bite us and go look for some Earth-bound asteroids?

Or do we send a collective 'bird' to Pluto?

Just remember: if that space probe does find something unique about Pluto -- like it's inhabited with life forms similar to those in Mars Attacks! that created the methane, and are really pissed about our demoting/downsizing them -- we'll only have nine and a half years or less to come up with an "we really didn't mean it" line.

Or learn what "ack RACK ack!" means.

*Astronomical Celestial Liberties Union...don't ask me for the mailing address...

The More You Illuminazi, The More You Runs Into Flieger Schiesse

Nigerian Illuminazis can be so siwwy.  Especiawwy as it gets cwoser to Halloween.

And they keep posting siwwy endorsements in the comments section of my blog.  Like they really think they're going to recruit scammable people from there.

Siwwy wabbits.

Take the latest comment endorsement from the latest round of siwwy Illminazis:


Are you an Intern, Scholar, Leader, or Person with notable/celebrated Talent or Resources?

The
1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you
ALREADY(1) in place within Organizations we have an interest in.

http://illuminatiorder.com
is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the
Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.

We
do not accept any sort of "Application" from the Public, however we do
take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our "work"
enough seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.

Referrals
are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest
in illuminism, a certain character and nature, and the efforts made in
their Business and Personal Affairs.

If you are interested in the
evolution of Mankind and a "mutually beneficial" future, we may be
interested in working with you get in contact with us through this
[GREATTEMPLEOFILLUMINATI@GMAIL.COM

+2348159645330  


At least this time they made no passing mention of sacrifices or any some such.  Not to worry though; my edit will take care of it:

Are you into animal sodomy?

The 1st step to a “Mutually Beneficial Relationship” would be to have you
ALREADY(1) in place within Organizations we have an interest in, all of which

involve animal sodomy and genital sacrifice.

We of the Odor Of The Great Illuminippleheads Temple Of Babble is the dissemination point for Initiates of the Outer Head of the Order, and for analyzing response to our more visible existence.  And yes, none of us wrote that because most of the words here is unfamiliar.

We do not accept any sort of "Application" from people who have normal heterosexual sex;  however we do take note of individuals who are adequately interested in our "work"  of sodomizing animals to seek active involvement in anything we have interest in.  Like oral sex with piranha.

Referrals are made to a global Network about individuals with a certain interest in animal sodomy, and a person with no character whatsoever is welcome.

If you are interested in the evolution of animal sodomy and a "mutually beneficial" future, we may be

Hide message history  interested in working with you get in contact with us through this
[GREATTEMPLEOFILLUMINATI@GMAIL.COM

+2348159645330

LIMITED SPECIAL:  for the next 100 of you that joins our perverted org, we send you an inflatable life size Adolph Hitler -- ears and all -- you can practice your sodomy on until you get a goat of your own!


They keep sending, and I keep editing...   

.

 

The Edit Left Her Speechless

This could be the reason that Miss Joy Emma is speechless.

After all, she sent me the exact same scam to three different email addresses.

She'd be a good Super Walmart shopper, buying 60 rolls of toilet paper at once, without knowing what it was.

Funny wheels for carts, maybe.

Anyway, here's what she sent me x 3:


Dearest in Christ,

I am Sister Joy Emma. from KUWAIT, I am married to Chief kamson Emma. He worked with KUWAIT embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2006 April 26. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

When my late Husband was alive he deposited the sum of $5,000,000.00 (Five million U.S. Dollars)in a Bank on my name as beneficiary of the fund here in Abidjan. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.
Nobody will ever come because the certificate of deposit are never available to any body except the depositor or me.I will be looking forward to your indication of interest so that we can proceed with the process of claiming the funds with the below information I will like you send to me:

Your Full Name................................
Address..........................................
Nationality..........................................
Age.....................................................
Sex.....................................................
Occupation..........................................
Tel & Fax No........................................
Mobile...................................................
A copy of your int'l passport or ID card............

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that” giveth”. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and many of relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my our efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money
will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision.


I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace”. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Hoping to receive your reply.

Yours in Christ,

Sister Joy Emma.  


My edit went back to her in triplicate as well:


Dearest in Heat,

I am Sister Joy Emma. from KUWAIT.  I first sent this email out about 9 years ago, when I was then married to the cannibal and reborn goat sodomizer Chief kamson Emma. He worked with KUWAIT embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004 of trying to treat painful rectal itch with a Brillo pad.

We were married for eleven years without a child. You don't require a degree in rocket science to figure out why.

I am sending out again because I am counting on people who've never received this before to not be told by people who have received it before that I am already dead and that this is a robo-send by the first robotic fly-infested internet café in Lagos, Nigeria, where a cost-benefits analysis was recently completed and the handlers there decided that robotic scammers would be cheaper to use than real low life pieces of crap like heretofore.

Non sequitur...your facts are uncoordinated.  Dammit, I hate when one of my servers does that.  But I digress.

When my late Husband was alive he was frequently found wandering in the jungle, sticking his digit in knot holes, mistaking them for the back end of ready and willing goats.  See my second paragraph.

9 years ago, and then again recently because this talking point has not been updated, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.  Granted, it's not the problem that the genital warts in my sinuses are.  Probably of more immediacy to my condition and the one that disturbs me most is the penile-looking polyp that's developed out of my right ear.  The nurses here are all calling me a dickhead and this most annoying.

I think that this talking point is failing in winning me sympathy from recipients.  See, I was right:  I just got an email from someone in Liechtenstein that called me a dickhead too.  Schweinhundt.

Having known my condition, a doctor sent it to Despair.com, and now I am learned that I'll be a page of their 2015 calendar.  

My fifteen minutes of fame isn't working out like the Kardashians.  

I decided to donate this email to a church that will utilize this email the way I am going to instruct herein. I want you to use this email as toilet paper for orgasms, windows, propagating flatulence, and to endeavour that the house of chili cheese fries is maintained. The Greater Editor of The Talking Point made us to understand that “Blessed is the hand that whacketh Mr. Happy". I took this to mean that our Great Editor of the Talking Point was a masturbator and pretty bored with actually working for a living.  Turned out I was right.

Don't shake hands with him if you ever meet.  Just saying.

Whatever else you do with this email of mine,  I don’t want my our efforts at grammar and editing to be used by unbelievers to swat flying toasters in a meth-induced Broadway fantasy show starring Justin Bieber.  He's a twit.  They have to use Rachal Madcow; she's more of a man than he is. 

This is why I am taking this decision.  And fitting it with a catheter.

I am not afraid of death because of my sinus genital warts.  I know that I am going to be in the bosom of a yak named Andreyev.  I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because I can't keep a straight face after hearing a school bus driver laugh on a YouTube video.  Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must have one helluvan overhand serve and backhand volley.  

Hoping to receive your reply even though I died 9 years ago and have since been scamming under the name of Achmed the Bedheaded TerrorLisp.  My parents were commenting the other day on how we blow up so fast now in ISIS.  Which explains why only part of me is sending you this.

Hooha,
Sister Joy Emma.

joyemma775@gmail.com  

 

 

And ya know, she had nothing to say to any of the three...