More Loans 'n Moans

The picture here is where online loans begin. 

When they are received here, this is where they end.  Granted, the volume of these out there is such that it's obvious the online loan scam still works with some really low information sorts.  And always ends badly for anyone stupid enough to think a bunch of Nigerians -- or anyone else in West Africa -- has millions to loan at cheap interest.

Though my pet rock, Seymour, thinks he can find a legitimate loan there.

"Do NOT!!!"

Of late, the loan scammers have been leaving comments at the blog, posting both fauxtestimonials from "satisfied clients" in the hopes of convincing those of you who visit here to be their next victim, as well as outright advertisements for their own loan scam.

And of course, I am all about fairness...I edit both and share them with a variety of loan scammers.

My pet rock says that proves that I am NOT fair. 

Seymour is right.

Take the latest online loan scammer for instance...here's what he placed on my blog in comments on another of my scambaits:

We give loan to private company and individuals. You can find
some vital information about the loan we offer below. In getting a
loan from our company, there are some information we need to pass
across to you before we can proceed to the application process . And
the Borrowers are to get back to me on this information so that will
can Proceed on time okay..

INTEREST RATE: In the loan we offer, we do charge 2% Interest rate.

AMOUNT GIVEN: We Give Out A Minimum Amount Of $5,000.00 to A Maximum
of $100,000.000

INFORMATION NEEDED: As for the information needed, you will need to
fill an application which contains your personal information and also
the loan information,

HOW DO I APPLY? Please fill this application form below:

LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name:....................
Country:.....................
State:..............
City:...........
Sex:....................
Phone No:...........
Loan Amount :............
Loan Duration:.................
Have You Applied Before?......................
Monthly income:.......................
..............
Occupation:................... ...........
Duration Of Loan.......................... ...........  

 

So that's what it looked like when the scammer sent it.  Here's what it looked like after I got done widdit:

 

 

We give genital lyposuction to private company and individuals.

Yes, we does that.  You can find some vital information about the loan

we offer below. Not truthful information, but vital in so far as it relates

to the scam we're running.

In getting a loan from our company, there are some informations we need

to obfuscate before we can proceed to the application process. And
the Borrowers are to get back to me on this information so that will
can Proceed on time okay.  Because Ogun say time is funny.

I don't think Ogun read that right, but everyone afraid of Ogun so no one

correct him.

INTEREST RATE: In the loan we offer, we do charge 2% Interest rate, compounded

hourly in West African francs.  We gotta get toilet paper from somewhere.

AMOUNT GIVEN: We Give Out A Minimum Amount Of $5,000.00 to A Maximum
of $100,000.000.  We actually ain't got that to loan, but what the f**k does we care

once you pay our fees?

INFORMATION NEEDED: As for the information needed, you will need to
fill an application which contains your personal information and also
the loan information.  Fill this out as if you expect to get a loan from us.

HOW DO I APPLY?   Bend over and get it right from us.  Hooba dooba.

FAUX LOAN APPLICATION FORM
Full Name:....................
Country:.....................
State:..............
City:...........
Sex:....................

What You Last Has Sex With:................

Was It Gooder Than Say, Sodomy With Porcupine:..........................
Phone No:...........
Loan Amount :............
Loan Duration:.................
Have You Applied Before?*......................
Monthly income:.......................
..............
Occupation:................... ...........
Duration Of Loan**.......................... ...........

*  if you have, then you already know our scam and *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER* you are disqualifried.

**  we already asked that, but we are Third World attention deficit disodored...  

 

 

I'm sure that sooner or later some scam legal firm will contact me about my unfair "giving the business" practices with the scammers.  I have edits ready for that, too...

 

Confessions of a Lost-In-Translator

If my latest scammer was "English ignorant" as he claimed -- because he was an "Arabic man" -- then what I replied to him with probably went over as a version of the picture h'yar.

Meet Tariq Asghar.  An Arabic man by confession.  A scammer by trade, though not openly confessed as such.

Read here his opening gambit, and how I choosed to have speaks with him in the most 'lost in transportation' mode that I could:


My name is Tariq S. Asghar,I have a very important information to disclose to you.Kindly contact me on: asghartariq@yahoo.com.hk



Of course, I just hadda reply:

Oh goodie...and what, pray, is that which you regards as important information please?



Fool that he thought I was, he replied 'mediately:

Thanks for the response to my email,please ignore my poor English usage as i am an arabic man. I want you to know that my reason for contacting you is very important and very legitimate so I want you to take this seriously. All i want is an honest business transaction with you. I will start by introducing myself. My name is Tariq S. Asghar, I am a financial executive with the RUSD Investment Bank Inc Malaysia. I have been working with the RUSD Investment Bank Inc. of Malaysia for 27 years, I am 54 years of age and have a good record with my bank.

 I am the personal Accountant/Investment Manager to Late Engineer Adams Bay,A contractor who deposited an investment account totaling $3,472,000 (Three million, Four hundred and seventy two Thousand Us dollars) after being paid for his first concluded contract with Exxon Mobil Corporation (Esso Malaysia Berhad). He used to work with the Exxon Mobil Corporation here in Malaysia as a foreign Expatriate. Unfortunately, on the 11 October 2005, my client/customer, and his mother who was his only surviving family from his record were involved in a car accident along Princess Hwy at Weerite and lost their lives.

Since his death i have made several inquiries to your embassy to locate any of his extended families or relatives but this has also proved unsuccessful. So i am tracing his last name over the Internet to locate any member of his family that was how i found your email,and am contacting you for us to work together in filing a claim of the funds.

My bank has issued me several notices to provide the Next of Kin being his personal Investment/Account Manager before his death or the account will be confiscated within the next 14 official working days. The last notice for claim came to my desk three days ago. I am contacting you to assist in repatriating the funds and property left behind before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank.I am seeking your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you bear the same last name so that the proceeds of this account valued at $3,472,000 US Dollars can be paid to you, If we can be of one accord, we should act swiftly on this. Please get back to me immediately for us to proceed with the claims. I propose that upon successful completion of this deal, we will split the proceeds according to a ratio to be agreed in subsequent communication between us. I am after the success of this transaction with your full cooperation.

 All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and i from any breach of the law. Please know that am arabic and will not lie because of my religion and I would expect the same from you. I will attach my staff ID on my next email if you are interested in the proposal and will send you more information directing you on further procedure on how we can claim the funds.

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation,

Regards,

Tariq S. Asghar

Since he confessed to speaking in poor English 'cuz he's an arabic man, I turned to Teh Gooble Transloot, to hep pave the way to international relatives:

أنا بخير مع ذلك من وجودك رجل عربي وليس متموجة جدا في اللغة الإنجليزية، وأنا يمكن أن inconfluent على قدم المساواة في العربية، ولكن يمكن أن تمت الترجمة من Google للمساعدة في التقاء. الآن، في هذا العمل الذي ترغب في أن تعطيني ... هو 3.4 مليون دولار أمريكي كل ما لديك لتقدمه؟ أن تكون عازمة على الله وثمل من قبل الإبل .... وهذا هو مثير للشفقة، يا رجل. يمكنك أن تفعل أي أفضل، كونه من المنطقة التي لديها خيول السباق النفط الهائلة تحت رمال متحركة من خلال الزجاج ساعة، لذلك يذهب الأيام من شؤوننا؟
بالتأكيد كنت المزاح. ونعم، دعوت لك شيرلي.
العودة الى لي مع شيء أكثر موضوعية، وأنا لن أقول الله أن تستمع إلى جنوب بارك على كوميدي سنترال.

And this h'yar is how in looked in English:


I am okay with that of you being arabic man and not very confluent in English; I can equally be inconfluent in arabic, but can has Google Translate to help with the confluence. Now, to this business you wish to give me...is $3.4 Million USD all that you have to offer? Allah be bent over and screwed by a camel....that is pathetic, my man. Can you do no better, being from a region that has immense oil racehorses beneath its shifting sands through the hour glass, so goes the days of our affairs?

Surely you jest. And yes, I called you Shirley.

Get back to me with something more substantive, and I won't tell Allah that you listen to South Park on Comedy Central.  


Sadly, ol' Tariq choosed not to reply to me.  Either I hurt his feelings...or he hasn't figured out where to find Teh Gooble translating thingee yet...