Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Downsized! ALERT: 2014 UPDATE!


In 2006, Pluto got 'downsized' and demoted as a 'planet' in our Solar System.

Someone at NASA was having a bad day of piles or something.

Well...Pluto filed an appeal...and thankfully NOT with the Ninth Short Circuit Court of Appeals of Laughter.

BECAUSE PLUTO WON!  It's a planet again!

In honor of Pluto's victory, I bring you my take on the cosmic injustice done back in '06, with the relieved observation that we now won't have to learn the meaning of "rack ack RACK ACK ACK!":

(originally run 8-25-06).

Downsizing: it ain't just for people anymore.

Personally, I've been downsized twice in my working career; it sucks.

Lots of folks know the drill. Some take it as an opportunity; the rest look at it like I did.

It sucks.

Downsizing usually takes place when economic conditions in a business or industry go in a direction not necessarily associated with good. The business or industry does it to make itself leaner, more competitive, more cost-effective (in theory).

So what happens when the Solar System downsizes? Well, everyone remembers how one solar system downsized when the Death Star smoked the planet Alderon in Star Wars (I, though it was technically IV).

Alderon didn't just get fired; it got the cosmic version of 86ed from the galaxy.

Well, Pluto didn't get destroyed by an alien race of angry bots; it wasn't destroyed in a cataclysmic collision with a rogue asteroid or comet. No...Pluto just got fired. Pluto's job as the 9th planet in our Solar System -- a job that Pluto has held since 1930 -- has been eliminated. Cut. Canned. Outta there.

Clean out the desk, and don't let the Solar System door hit you in the ass on the way out, Pluto.

So goes one story from August 24, 2006.

Another version holds that Pluto wasn't "fired"; it was merely "demoted". From a "classic" planet, to a "dwarf" planet (somewhere, Weird Al Yankovic is rearranging that Randy Newman song with new lyrics: "dwarf planets got..no reason..dwarf planets got..no reason..dwarf planets got..no reason to orb..").

Even the Cosmos Corporation has no milky way of starry kindness.

Funny, how they didn't demote or downsize Pluto's three moons, Charon, Nix and Hydra. How do they feel, suddenly left orbiting a has-been?

Discrimination, sounds like to me.

And who did this, you ask?

A gathering of so-called "leading astronomers", meeting in Prague, Czech Republic. To wit, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) decided that Pluto was not really a "classical planet", in that it lacks the required rules of the IAU to qualify as such: "a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit" (from an AP report, August 24, 2006).

Pluto is said to not qualify anymore, because it has an orbit that is oblong, causing it to overlap orbitally with Neptune.

I smell celestial bias here. Call Jesse Jackson and the ACLU*.

Actually, one rumor has it that Uranus was involved in a conspiracy with Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld. Moron.org probably has one of their crack(smoking) reporters creating documents on it now, and it is believed that Oliver Stone and Dan Rather will team up with a conspiratorial movie documentary about this in 2008.

Another rumor has it that Neptune -- periodically crossed up by Pluto -- was forever offended by some of the atmospherics in the wake of a Pluto fly-by: it is guesstimated that Pluto has a significant amount of methane both on its surface and in its atmosphere.

Translation: Pluto farts. Neptune was tired of it.

Petty vindictiveness, since Neptune is rumored to have plenty of methane of its own. But as we all know, our own farts don't stink; it's always someone elses'. Lessons from countless elevator rides, but I digress.

All cosmic pranks and Georgeak Carlinoid stand up routines aside, this decision by the 25oo member IAU does pose a rather delicate problem: in January, 2006, the New Horizons spacecraft was launched specifically to get the first true, close-up look at our 9th planet.

A planet that just got fired/demoted. And, quite possibly, farts.

As the spacecraft isn't scheduled to arrive until 2015, what to do? Allow Pluto's ego to be assuaged by going ahead and checking it out, risking further ire from Uranus, Neptune, and their Earth-bound conspiracy freaks? Or send a radio command to the probe, telling it "oh, we're not going there", and re-directing it to something else deemed more worthy of Kodak moments from nine and a half years away?

And what if the New Horizons probe isn't equipped with olfactory protection? Hundreds of millions of dollars worth of space research equipment suddenly goes belly up in zero gravity, as it catches a whiff of what Neptune found so offensive.

And Earth-bound bean counters bitch about $600 Pentagon toilet seats.

I dunno, folks. Should we start a campaign? Write our congresspersons of dubious antecedence and worse campaign ads, and demand that Pluto be restored to its rightful place at the cosmic depth chart? Demand that this IAU collection of Einstein/Carl Sagan wannabes just bite us and go look for some Earth-bound asteroids?

Or do we send a collective 'bird' to Pluto?

Just remember: if that space probe does find something unique about Pluto -- like it's inhabited with life forms similar to those in Mars Attacks! that created the methane, and are really pissed about our demoting/downsizing them -- we'll only have nine and a half years or less to come up with an "we really didn't mean it" line.

Or learn what "ack RACK ack!" means.

*Astronomical Celestial Liberties Union...don't ask me for the mailing address...

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14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I KNEW it. The minute I saw the article I KNEW Skunk would have a say. You did me proud.

Personally, I'm boycotting the astronomers...Pluto, you'll always be a planet to me.

I have to put this in anonymously because blogger is acting up but this is your FAVORITE person in the world...if not, then it's just Monica. :)

25 August, 2006 12:56  
Blogger Monica said...

I just had a thought...my mind is so warped these days. What if these astronomers get together and have one too many "moonshines" and declare Earth no longer a planet? We'll be displaced! Would we be aliens then? Geez.

25 August, 2006 22:52  
Blogger Raggedy said...

I am going to pretend it is still a planet and still there. I can't give it up..Must be the plutonian in me..
Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

26 August, 2006 04:12  
Blogger Monica said...

And in horoscopes aren't there people connected with Pluto...what are we suppose to tell those people? I'm sorry, you have no future, just a 76 yr. era. Geez.

26 August, 2006 08:18  
Blogger Karen said...

I say yes, let's get Pluto reinstated! It's ridiculous that they're going to all the trouble taking it's planet status away. Sheesh...

26 August, 2006 09:18  
Blogger Monica said...

Hi Skunk, darling. We're just stopping by because we heard you REALLY wanted to be invited to our slumber party.


We realize that we let you guys know that only SPECIAL MEN would be harassed (strike that) flirted with by the slumber party invitees.

We love ya, darling!

26 August, 2006 20:11  
Blogger poopie said...

Whatever. It's all Bush and Cheney's fault. And the Muslims. And the Mexicans. And Yo Mama's.

Drive by wink ;)

26 August, 2006 20:13  
Blogger Karen said...

I'm back, did you miss me? This is one of your Angels, I'm the blonde one but I do have a brain.

We're at a slumber party and someone in particular suggested we come by and harass you... you could probably guess it was the "good one"

I hope you're having a great weekend!

26 August, 2006 20:14  
Blogger 3rd daughter said...

will they be renaming 'pluto pups' at fairgrounds around the world and what about all these 'plutonic' relationships i have? will they now be meaningless??

drive-by comments brought to you by the slumber party

26 August, 2006 20:14  
Blogger Monica said...

No, not the good one.

It was Poopie. :)

26 August, 2006 20:14  
Blogger deni said...

Yep, it was the Good One, snortle.

Dowsizing DOES NOT sound like a good thing. *snicker*

26 August, 2006 20:19  
Blogger Ms. Vickie said...

It was very important that I stop by on behalf of the "Good One" you do realize you
I am one of the Angels as well I not a blond. I am known as the "Sweet One"

By now you realize I am part of the slumber party but that does not matter I think
you are pretty good one so I just want you to know...just keep it up...:)

26 August, 2006 20:47  
Anonymous cyndy said...

I knew memorizing the planet list in school was a waste of time.
Damn it all to hell

27 August, 2006 20:04  
Blogger Monica said...

I have entirely too many comments on this post of yours...people are going to think I'm stalking you but I HAD to tell you something...Karen was the driving force behind the slumber party this month and I'm still a bit indisposed (if the excuse still works) so really, it WAS Karen's fault...the drive=by commenting and anyways, see how special you are? We actually voted no on SOME guys so you are really special. :)

28 August, 2006 10:13  

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