Vhat Das Fokk -- II

This day begins with good news from Herr Dankwanker, that has nothing to do with Geico:


Congratulations my brother! The Federal Ministry of Finance has finally issued the approval of the fund in your name through the help of the lawyer paid to carryout this transaction for us (embodied, I take it, in the document to the right; my obvious enthusiasm over it can be accurately assessed also off to the right). The attached copy has been forwarded to the Central Bank of Nigeria to effect the transfer into your accountant as indicated in the document. Please, take note at this stage of the transaction I will like you to be careful becuase the bank will contact you as the beneficiary of te fund, once you hear from them do not hasitate to respond because every process has been perfected and we are not ready to lose as I have invested a lot of money in making sure the approval was issued in your name. I would like you to know the lawyer was paid from my little income $3750 to acquire this approval and in total I have spent over $10,000 in this process. Please do not let me down at this time, remember I am trusting you because we share the same profession (we do? He's a scambaiter too?). I also ask again for your international passport photo be sent soonest. I pray that God guide us as I wait to hear from you.

I really hope God has a sense of humor over that 'un.

Minen reply:

I hope you rezeive mine passport via das alternate email address I use at vork, vhere I keep mine passport. I rarely travel mitte mine advanced age undt schtuff, unless it's vork-relatedt. I understand undt vill maintain confidentiality mitte das business offer. Pleaze keep to use das address here fer confidential undt secure communications mitte me. I vill avait vord from das bank undt let you now vhen they have contactedt me.

The next day, I get this:

I have just received a good news from the hired attorney who was back from the bank today to monitor the progress on your behalf. He told me that the bank is on the processing the transfer of your fund and they requested that I should tender your fax number and in this regard you should kindly send me your personal fax number. I wait to hear from you soon.

This should prove easy to derail:

Ze only fax number I have ist at das vork place, undt you did specify das confidentiality undt strict zecrecy mitte das deal. So it vould not be gudt to send das papers there. I vould recommend dat das papers be zent as attachments to dis email address, vhere I am assuredt dat only I vill receive undt zee them. Pleaze note dis fer das bank undt das bannister you have retainedt fer das business.

Now enter Herr Dankwanker's odious colleague, Dr. Hassan Mohammed, Director of the International Remittance Department, Central Bank of Nigeria:

Attention: U. R. Phulovit

This is to notify you that we have keyed your payment. This honorable financial institution has processed your fund valued at US $8.5Million (huh? Thought it was for a measly $500,000!??) ready for transfer into your nominated account. We now direct you to make payment for processing fees with expedience so that we may discharge our payment obligation. Your prompt compliance will ensure a happy banking relationship now and always.

Remit: $3,500 USD Remit to: Mrs Mary Smith London, United Kingdom Remit by: Western Union Yours faithfully, Dr. Hassan Mohammed

And not only is my fund suddenly $ 8 million larger; in reading the attached document (next installment), I -- or my "designated legal representative" -- are required to make a personal visit to Nigeria to conclude this business. Funny how that wasn't noted in the email communique. Eh...I'd hate to waste the role of Herr Dankwanker's/Hassan's "bannister" as my nominated legal representative there (as I'm sure he will be, once we establish the impracticality of my travelling there at my advanced age undt infirmities), so I give them the 'out' to introduce him into the equation:

Herr Hassan Chop,

If I am readingk das correctly, you require an appearance by minenself undt my attorney? Das ist not convenient fer me at dis time, Mein Herr. If you vish merely fer das payment of fees, I can vire the necezzitated funds mitte either Vestern Union or das Money Gram. If a legal reprezentative ist requiredt, pleaze feel free to retain one fer das purpose who iz prezent undt available there.

That draws this accepting reply from Herr Dankwanker:

I will want to acknowledged the receipt of your message and to confirm that i am glad our laywer has prefected the project on your behalf. I have gone through the letter from the bank and i will want you to write and request from them to allow your attorney represent you in the signing as is request by them because i will want us to finish this transaction before ending of the coming week. You should appeal to them that because of visa problem you cannot be able to appear in the bank in time. Please, i will want you to act fast so that the bank will transfer the fund to your account. I am waiting for your soonest respond.

I vill be urgent undt schtuff:

Very vell, I vill contact das bank undt reqvest das bannister of your choice as mine representative undt schtuff.

Thus, I sent off to das bank:

Herr Hassan Chop,

Due to das visa problems undt mitte master cardt, I am reqvestingk dat das bank allow me to be locally representifed by das Honorable John Eze, bannister at law, as mine legal representative fer das formal making of claim on das inheritance in qvestion. Notify me mitte dispatch vhen das decision ist renderedt.

Next Up, the thrilling (?!) conclusion of: Vhat Das Fokk III?

Vhat Das Fokk -- I

* Blogger's note: this is a three-part scambait from 2007, wherein I employ a ridiculous writing voice, and the scammers actually bought into it. Ya gotta love it*

"Who iz dis man, and vhat is he doing here?"

For you TV trivia buffs, you know both the quote and the man: the late Howard Caine as Gestapo Major Wolfgang Hochstetter, in a comedic genius recurring role on Hogan's Heroes (1967-1971).

Now, as to why he is here: after moving the scambaiting U. R. Phulovit around some -- to Houston, TX, San Francisco, CA, and even a brief stint in Denver, CO -- it was time to move good ol' U. R. back to wherefrom he got his illustrious start in scambaiting. And that would be the pleasant, postage-stamp-sized country of Liechtenstein, and the capital city of Vaduz. Where the national language is largely Deutche-oriented.

Not that good ol' U. R. sprechens more than a smidgen of Deutche with any degree of clarity; but his Germanized English ist vhat one might schay ist das sucky undt badt. Worse yet: he writes his emails das vay, too.

And so it begins, with an email from "Dr." Ibrahim Dankwanbo, an employee and pseudo "official" in the Federal Ministry of Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria, to the no-longer extant Dr. Aph Lack (one of my former guises). The gist of it is simply this:

ALL FOREIGN INHERITANCE INTEREST PAYMENT PROGRAMMED WITH ATM CARD ON YOUR FAVOR

This is to inform you that we have received from the Financial Appropriation Committee of the Presidency Federal Republic of Nigeria some information of inheritance payments of which your name and information are included for payment of US $500,000 which will be paid to you through SWIFT CARD or ATM CARD. A form will be forwarded to you for you to fill out and return back immediately. This done your account will be activated and the copy of the ATM card will be sent to you for confirmation. If you are interested, you contact me immediately you receive this email. Waiting for your immediate reply.

Okay, so it's addressed to a 'dead' character. That hasn't stopped me from responding before; and unless I miss my guess, it won't stop this Dr. Dankwanker from following up. Thus, Herr Phulovit responds, in his most flatulent faux sprechen:

Herr Dr. Dankwanker,

Vhat ist das meaningk of dis? Herr Dr. Aph Lack -- mine former associate undt comrade in arms -- ist todt, undt has been zo zince 2003. A proudt veteran of das Great Var, he served mitte distinction undt honor in my tank korps. May he rest in peaze.

Ast you may read here undt grasp, I too am a var veteran, from my dayz in das Wehrmacht, 21st Panzer Division, vhen ve overrun undt conquered Iceland. It iz goodt. Zo, vhat you write to mine dead comrade abouten, Herr Dankwanker? Undt vhat may I do fer you?

U. R. Phulovit

It takes a couple days, but apparently Herr Dankwanker is able to adjust his script accordingly:

Dear U. R. Phulovit,

I thank you for the sad final news of Dr. Lack, but I am happy for your urgent response to my message and I am happy that your a vetran which means you can hanlde confidential projects such that will be trusted in you. All I require for more details to be given to you to secured this fund in your care is as follows:

1. Your full contact address

2. Telephone and fax numbers to enable us to discuss

3. Finally your banking details

I will be looking forward to hear from you to build a solid relationship.

Okay...he doesn't care that I've changed his last name; he doesn't care that I'm not Dr. Lack; he doesn't have the remotest grasp of military history; and he doesn't care my emails are atrociously written. Game on:

I vill be happy to provide you mitte dat vich you asken fer. However, I must pointen out das telephonen sprechen undt chat ist not pozzible mitte you; due to mine military service -- I vuz a tank gunner and later commander of das Mark VI Tiger tank -- mine hearing ist kaput. I can communicate in perzon undt on das computen machinen, but not over das phonen. Pleaze bear das in minden, bitte.

Mine contact addressen: Furst Franz Josef str 69, PO Box 684, 9490 Vaduz, LiechtensteinReceivingk bank details: Bundesnatchen Bank Undt Savingks

Berg str 121, PO Box 691, 9490 Vaduz

Account: (some 12 digit number I just throwd out there)

Account Name: Phulovit, U. R.

Of course, das prinziple of zecrezy undt confidentiality ist vell ingrainedt from my military zervice, Herr Dankwanker. I vill not dizzapoint.

Beats me how he's reading this schiesse*, but his reply suggests he's understanding it well enough:

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail and to notify you that the information's you supplied were duly received. I am more confident now working with you and i also noted your comment regarding communication by call because of your military nature and the effect of the heavy equipments on hearing. I have informed the necessary agencies of your special needs.

My good friend, I hope your doing fine. This is to notify you that the attorney which I engaged has been following your project because he submitted an affidavit of trust in your name to the relevant agencies processing your documents. I will get you informed as we progresses and I will also want you to be more determined in this transaction so that we will not west time in compling with the payments directives so to enable the fund hit your accoutn within the shortest time possible (he doesn't waste time on a proof-reader, either). I hope to hear from you soonest.

And a few hours later, he does indeed:

At dis stage, ze ball iz in your zack, undt I vill avait your dispozitions in accordance mitte ze plan you have evolvedt herein fer das proceedingks to taken placen mitte dispatch. Vunce you have instructedk me mitte my rezponzibilities, I vill undertaken das role mitte expedience undt haste.

Then, there falls a five day lapse of any further communications from Herr Dankwanker. Perhaps he's on to my hokey accent? Or he's taken a quick history lesson? Or he's verified that there's no such Bundesnatchen Bank in existence? So I send an email tweak to find out:

Herr Dankwanker,

I no hearensee from you fer das past five days. Are ve schtill on or vhat? Pleaze advise mitte dispatch.

After another couple of days pass, I finally get this:

Thanks for your commitment which your recent message depicts. I will like you to note that everything is going on fine and i have received assurance from the lawyer that probably before ending of today he will procure the payment approval on your behalf from the Federal Ministry of Finance. I have invested a lot of money to secure this approval, i willnot want you to delay once you receive payment instructions from the bank. I will want you to tell me the kind of account you have and also to let me know how effective you have been operating the account,because i will not want my fund to have problem with your authority once the fund is being transfer. And i will want you to send me your international passport copy photograph on receipt of this mail.

A few hours pass, and I reply:

I vuz beginningk to thing zat you vere not zerious about das business you vish to gibts me. I am gladt by das reply dat you have not proven das true. I vill avait your instructions regardingk das bank. Vhen you need it, I vill zend you mine passport from my zecondary email address; I have it schtoredt on mine business computen machinen.

Which I quickly do, after establishing a zecondary email account fer das purpose of zending das passport, which he never questions. I do like cooperation whilst faking my own, don't you?

Next up, congratulations and a document, along with new players undt vorse zyntax undt schtuff.

* the German word for sh**, so zo I undeschtandt it to be...

Guess They (Failed To) Tell Me

With a simple change in tactics during the "git 'er dun" phase of a scambait, I seem to have drawn this very reaction depicted in the picture from two different scammers.

All because I claimed to have reverted to -- without their permission -- 20th Century technology.

In brief: when it came time for my character -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- to send 'fees' for legal services or documents to complete a 'transaction (aka, my character get taken by the scammers), my character didn't exactly follow the instructions given. That is, he didn't 'send' the fees via Western Union or Money Gram; when he acknowledged having sent them (in these two cases, not), Jack said he'd sent the fees the old fashioned way: a US bank certified check, via USPS overseas airmail.

Read carefully how that went over with a purported Director of Foreign Remittance, Bank of Africa scammer (who was trying to con me into believing I was going to receive $10.5 million US dollars, in return for my fee payment of $2350):

I RECEVE YOUR LETTER SEND TO THIS BANK. NOT THAT WE DONT UNDERSTAND CERTIFIED CHECK AIRMAIL POST, BY THE WAY DID YOU INFORM THIS BANK THAT YOU MAKING PAYMENT ON CERTIFIED CHECK AIRMAIL POST? THAT IS YOUR MISTAKE NOT OUR MISTAKE. WE DONT WANT CONFUSION IN THIS BANK. SO YOU HAVE TO RECALL BACK YOUR MONEY AND MAKE THE PAYMENT WHERE WE DIRECT YOU TO MAKE IT HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND BEFORE THIS CONFUSE PRECIOUS TRANSFER.

YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS BECAUSE YOU NOT INFORM US BEFORE YOU MAKE THE PAYMENT BUT YOU GO. AHEAD WITH YOU IDEA AND MAKE THE PYAMENT THE WAY YOU DO NOT THE WAY WE ASK. SEE YOU NOW HOW THE PROBLEM COME FROM YOU AND NOT THE BANK.

SO YOU BETTER RECALL YOUR MONEY BACK WE DONT WANT CONFUSION IN THIS BANK REGARDS TO THIS PAYMENT BECAUSE YOU DIDN NOT INFORM US BEFORE YOU MAKE THE PAYMENT THAT WAY.

THE ONLY ADVISE WE HAVE IS GO BACK AND RECALL YOUR MONEY AND TELL SERVICE DIRECTOR OF CHECK AIRMAIL POST THAT YOU MAKE MISTAKE AND YOU WANT RECALLED BACK MONEY WHICH IS VERY EASY AND YOU CANT NOT TELL ME THAT YOU CANT NOT RECALL MONEY? DO AS I INSTRUCT NOW.

My reply to that went along the lines of Why would there be confusion at the bank regarding the payment? You ARE, after all, AT THE BANK of AFRICA, are you not? At the Burkina Faso branch? The airmail is specifically addressed to YOUR ATTENTION, so there should be no confusion at all. Hell, a bicycle-riding messenger with a goat on his back, if he's literate, can find your bank and deliver the check to you. Besides, for pity's sake, you're a BANK. A bank with millions upon millions of USD in accounts of dead foreigners. How hard can it be for you to cash this little check -- certified, of course -- for $2350?

No, what we have h'yar is, failure to communicate. And in your case, failure to use creativity and innovation in the problem-solving department. Now be a good lad, and cash the bloody check when it arrives.

As I went into the weekend with that response, a reply from BOA is still pending. I don't expect it to show much in the way of good-ladded creativity and innovation. I am such a cynic.

The other thrown-for-a-loop scammer comes from an alleged courier service in Lagos, Nigeria, who instructed me to send transaction fees ($2050) with Western Union. After a day or so, I informed them that it was sent in the same manner (USPS overseas airmail, to addressee), specifically to their business address in Lagos. This went over with them even worse than with BOA:

You created a situaton out of your own doing. You are the one complicating everything. I spoke to management a whiile ago and he inform me that you have mess up the thing. This shipping company is an organisation and we have right to choose our payment option. Your option is unapproved and doesnt suit.

I wish to state you clearly that we wanted money sent via western union or moneygram and you did not seek our connset before using cheque which I tell is wrong of you. You are be very shelfish here in your action.

I think you need to let you ego out of this thing so can sort out as we may be force to send package we hold for you back to Central Bank. You should understand that your idea is not visible here and there is no way anyone can cash cheque so there is no points to argue it.

Do you expect us to start roaming about in search of bank of africa that does no exist here, or do you think only that you are priorty for our business? You must understand that they have other customers and weather they deliver the package to you or not, their business is their business.

This situation is simple, but you being arrogant complicates all. You must now do the right things to make things work better I tell you. You dont have right to tell us what payment option we accept. Even in America where you are a seller or an organisation has the right to demand his or her own payment option.

Stop this complicating issue and perform as instructed.

So, "Jack" is being very "shelfish", eh? I doubt his reply will ease any complication pangs over there:

I'm the one who's being shelfish? You people contacted ME. You people solicited ME. You people sought ME out. That makes ME the customer, not you. YOU are the one who provides the service. YOU are the one who is supposed to take the tact that "the customer is always RIGHT". YOU are the ones who should be bowing low and kissing my customer ass, that out of all the courier companies in all the fly-infested cities in Africa, YOU contacted ME and I responded favorably to YOU. Don't go get crabby with me, bub (see what I just did there? Re-read the whole paragraph if you missed it).

The airmail delivery cannot be recalled. By now, it's probably at a central hub of a major African international airport, being offloaded for shipment to Nigeria. Before I could waste the time to have it "recalled" -- which can't be done, 'cuz it isn't like UPS, FedEx or DHL -- a bicycle-riding courier, with a goat on his back, will be delivering the envelope to your street address in Lagos. And I am sure -- after all, you KNOW how things work in Nigeria's banking system -- that you have the innovation and creativity to find a way to cash a certified (with US funds) cheque. After all, your country has hundreds of millions of USD in banks all over the place. You can do it. I have faith. Faith can move mountains. Especially with dynamite and a 'dozer.

I gotta say: in this age of finger-pointing and a growing "victimization" movement, even the scammers are being affected. Whatever happened to creativity and innovation? I'm not a "complication"; I'm merely a hurdle to be cleared.

Nyuk.

You Ain't That Secret -- Finale Checkmate

First, a quick tally:

Jack N. Ewehoff vs Hector Graig, US Secret Service Agent: Jack 1 Hector 0

So Graig hands me off to the (un)talented duet of Rt. Hon Sir George Osbourne, MP, Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer, and Williams Oberslake, lackey for a bank in Ohio....

When I last left off, Mr. George Osbourne MP, Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer -- after telling me that "sir, USA ceritified check can not be cashed or cleared here in UK, every body know this" -- identified himself as Sir Osbourne.

I hadda have some fun widdat:

Before I get to the bloody f***ing check, WHAT'S THIS YOU SAY??? Mr. Osbourne is now SIR Osbourne??? When the bloody f*** did HE get knighted? Or did the Queen hear about his inability to cash a simple certified check from the bloody Colonies, and give him a stout *BONK* on the head with her royal sceptre? "I knight thee in the name of me...*BONK*..arise, Sir Pound of Sterling...*BONK*...arise, Sir Johnny of Cash...*BONK*...arise, Sir Duke of Earl...*BONK*...arise, Sir Ex of Lax...*BONK*...arise, Sir Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer, and go cash the bloody check!" I'll bet that whole thing annoyed the Queen more than Prince Phillip's flatulence.

As for the check, it cannot be recalled. Whistling for it and yelling "here check! Here check! Here, boy! Come check! Nice check!", is not an option. I sent it via the US Postal Service AIRMAIL. Sir Osbourne, Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer will receive it when it arrives. He has more authority than the red-coated furheads at the Palace, so he just needs to get off his knighted bum and cash the bloody thing. Instanters. That, sir, is a simple thing.

Apparently -- and just as I wore out the pussy Secret Service agent Hectored "hen-pecked" Graig -- I dun wore out Mr. Oberschellack and Sir Osbourne. For that evening, I had two NEW PLAYERS, both vying for my attention on the same transaction: Dennis Smith of the North Offshore Bank (based in where else...the UK), and -- you'll love this -- ArchBishop Collins Williams of Nigeria, letting me know that I am to deal direct with HIM.

I have stumbled upon the scammer's version of the Keystone Kops here.

After receiving emails from these two new players -- both were directed specifically to my character, and used all the (mis)info I'd given the orginal single/duet -- I sent back a quick "WTF?" email to Sir Osbourne. The response was a keeper:

SIR, WE WEAR THE SHOE AND WE KNOW WHERE IT PINCH US. WE CAN NOT CASH THE MONKEY HERE (I recovered after a couple minutes from that one, and he continues) WHEN WE GET IT WE SHALL RETUN BACK TO YOU SIMPLE. CAN YOU TO LONDON N GET THE MONKEY IN CASH? IF NO THEN THAT'S WHY WE MAKE THIS ARRANGEMENT WITH NEW PARTNER TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE IT CLOSSER TO YOU. WE TRY MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU BUT YOU NOT. SO YOU WORK WITH NEW PARTNER NOW.

Jack 3 Hector/Osbourne-Oberslake 0

Still, a parting salvo was in order:

So, you've come to admit that you are NOT competent to handle a simple transaction, eh? And you've proven it again: the North Offshore Bank is based in London. That's London, UK. Where the f*** are you? That's London..UK. How the f*** are they closser to me? The next street to your f***ing west? You are an absolute wanker, OsB. The Queen didn't hit you hard enough during the knighting. I just hope your North Shore boyz have more on the ball than your geographically-challenged selves, or that pussy Secret Service agent.

Now we come to the next player in the Wild Wild East/You Ain't That Secret scam: Dennis Smith, of the North Offshore Bank, London, UK:

Dear Ewehoff,

We received an application to co-ordinate funds transfer of Five Million Five Thousand US Dollars (US$ 5,500,000) (me thinks he just took a cut off the top there) to your account with American Express Bank, 324 First Street, Los Angele's CA 90012. Account name: Jack N. Ewehoff. Account number (the bogus one I gave the previous triumvirate).

According to regulation guiding US international dollar denominated transfers, an intermediary transit account here in London is required for international wires to the State. For this purpose visit our domain at: (a link to what appears to be the actual North Offshore Bank website).

After you have successful opening of the online account, send me the account number and registration code *TOING* this will enable us credit your funds into the account once open for onward transfers to any bank of your choice.

Please, confirm receipt of this email and your readiness to abide by our procedures for facilating the transfer to your account. Also, email or fax a copy of your international passport or driver licenses for indentification. We proceed when you do this. All communications regards this is confidental. Contact direct with me further.

So I did:

And sir, just who in the bloody goat crotch are you? I am dealing with the Rt Hon Sir George Osbourne, MP, and the acclaimed Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer, located at 1 Horsefeathers Guards Road, London. Who dragged your antecedence into this bidness?

Meantime, the other new player in the mix:

Dear Jack N. Ewehoff,

I am Archbishop Collins Williams, I have been mandated to be your payment officer by the Federal Government of Nigeria. It has come to my notice that alot of people are contacting you claiming to be the rightful source for you to get your money released. I want you to know that your $5.5 millions will be sent to you by bank to bank wire transfer. The Nigerian government has an agreement with Halifax Online bank to offset all its payment to the rightful beneficaries in order to hasnt the transfer process.

(He goes on to explain what information he needs from me -- the usual bank account and such info -- then he concludes with his creme de la creme): I want to assure you that you are dealing with an Archbishop here and I was persuaded to take this job because of my honesty and integrity as a bishop. He then goes onto conclude with it is imperative that you keep our conversation top secret not to attract imposers who can divert the transfer.

Knights and bishops and queens, oh my: I think I'm caught in an Alice-in-Blunderland chess game here. So let's get off to a rousing start with His Eminence:

Who in the horned toad orgasm are YOU? An archbishop? Archbishop of WHAT? Everyone knows that an ARCHbishop is of something. Like the UK's Archbishop of Cranterberry. Send me some kinda bona fides, Arch. And 'splain to me why the fed-up government of Nigeria is now involved in this?

Mr. Dennis Smith was not immediate with a reply (y'know all about banker's hours); but Arch was:

What is this you say? I am Archbishop; this is not open to question. My honest integrity are above repoach. If you wish to receive your fund, you will accept my word and proceed with instruction.

Puh-LEASE:

So YOU say, Arch. For all I know, you're the arch in someone's spine as they brace to fart. BONA FIDES. Let me say it again: BONA...F-I-D-E-S. That's nothing to do with Fido being thrown a bone, though perhaps it's indirectly appropo here: you send me proof of your ID, and Fido here will consider that bone enough to proceed. See what I just did there?

And to the so-far non-responsive Dennis Smith, North Offshore-ian, I added this:

Okay, Denise, I have opened an account with your bank (not really) and have all the information you have requested. SOON AS YOU ANSWER ONE VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. This question/answer was the code phrase given me by the US Secret Service agent pussy Hectored Graig, and is required in each communication as bona fides. I ask the question; you provide the answer that Graig established: when I ask, "who masturbates the perverted lionfish?", you answer with.....?

Once you have provided proper recognition, I will send you the information you've sought.

The formidable code phrase was apparently too much for Smith and his North Offshore Bank follies; nothing further was forthcoming. But the good Archbishop of Cantreply, did:

these are games you are well advice not to play with me Ewehoff. all you informatons is known to us. follow now well you instructs if you know the good for you.

Oooooooooh....thweatened by a chess piece? I know how to parry that 'un:

ArchBitchup, is I well-reading you h'yar? Wouldst thou make with a threat in my general geographic direction?

Yes, me thinks thou wouldst venture to suggest thus.

Oops...it would appear you have failed to scan the field of play. Obviously, you are not well versed in the game you play, upon the board you sit...oh bloody crikey, you didn't see that friggin' white knight, poised a L-shaped move to your right! *BONK*...you have been removed from the field of play, and your King is in checkmate surrender. *Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzer* Bummer, dude. Game, set, match, me.

Think up another approach, Arch-ie. That one was a bloody bitch-up. Your handlers will NOT be pleased.

And with that particular move in the series that began with a purported US Secret Service agent, and ended widda bishop, the game apparently came to an end. No more emails from any of the five.

Jack 5 Hector/Osbourne-Oberschlake/Smith/Arch-ie Collins Williams 0

Checkmate.

You Ain't THAT Secret -- Finale (almost)

My...er Jack N. Ewehoff's efforts to get US Secret Service agent Hector Graig/Graig Hector to send Jack a photo of the agent, holding a sign with Jack's name on it, came acropper.

Here, the agent explains that sir, you case must not be diffent from other tranaction we have handle. we must follow the right procedure. this is how we have been operate and you are not going to receve prefer treatment here. asking for a photo do not guarantee anything.

Jack's response is c'mon agent Graig: first, send me the photo I've requested. THEN I will book my flight and send you the f***ing itinerary. But first, THE PHOTO.

That got this in reply: You have no reason to demand for my photo. no reason absolute. please to be remind that you are not doing me a favour by coming to collect your fund. am getting suspicious of why you need my photo against all odd dspite the top class information you gived. i'm realy get nervous about this and my wife she say you dont need my photo. what for? why you so desprate for my photo?

So now his WIFE is advising him on what to do? And HE'S the Secret Service agent? Oh, this is too good for Jack to overlook:

Let me get this straight: YOU'RE the US Secret Service agent, and YOU are getting nervous about ME -- lil' ol' civilian ME -- asking for you to authenticate with a simple picture doing a simple instruction? And you take orders from your WIFE? What, does SHE wear the pants in your famdamily? Is she what that notable animation, Eric Cartman, dubbed "SuperBeeyotch"? Follow your instructions, and tell your wife to shut her pie hole and go get dinner ready.

With that, the tactics change, and a new angle is inserted into the game:

i no like you insut my wife. you leave me be (is HE his own wife? This dude's one for the scambait books). if you want receive your fund, you follow this instruction now. you send your bank receiving informations to the Barclay Bank in UK, and provide to them this to get your fund send (it gave me a new email address to contact, and included instructions for me to list the name of my bank, account, routing and swift code numbers, and my bank address). you are to proced this way now. you get no picture of me and you get off my wife if you want fund.

I couldn't pass up a parting salvo on that last line:

Graig, I wouldn't mount your wife if she were the only lay on Earth, and I was paid for it. What right-minded male would have sex with a water buffalo? Besides, since you're such a pussy over a picture, I can't believe any longer that the US Secret Service employs you for anything other than picking up trash in the parking lot. You are such a spineless wuss. I'll contact the bank you mentioned, and see if they're more professional and less pussy-whipped than you are.

So when I wrote to the 'bank' -- asking that they be more professional and cooperative than the pussy from the Secret Service -- I got back the following:

We have been waiting to here from you. Please provide with no delay the informations we require so that we can expedit your fund within 24 hours (and they repeated the information list requested). Please to remit the needed fee payment of $2050 by Western Union, and send as follows to:

Barclay's Bank

attn: Rt Hon George Osbourne MP

Chancellor of the Exchequer

HM Treasury

1 Horse Guards Road

London SW1A 2 HQ

Fax 020 7270 4580

The part I loved best is that (a) the header still had the US Secret Service/World Bank logos, and it was concluded from none other than hisself, Sup Hector Graig.

So I decided to see if the bank was as sensitive and pussified as Graig:

Dear Bank: if you are Barclay's, why does your email response have the US Secret Service/World Bank logos at the top, and is signed by that absolute useless f***ing pussy and embarrassment to the US Secret Service, Hector Graig? Explain that, please.

That drew this amusing response:

Sir, you are to disassociate youself at one from Graig Hector. He is no long a point of concern here for you. You are to deal direct with me, George Osbourne, as instruct in email okay? Send please your bank informations as request, and the Western Union fees of $2050 as instructed, and your fund will be release to your bank as you say. Your certificate of Authentic will be send as soon as you send your bank informations. Fee to be sended when you receive your document. Is this agreeable?

Jack responds with agreement and enthusiasm:

Sir, it is FINALLY a pleasure to be dealing with a professional, and not some pussified, ham-handed Secret Service agent who's wife wears his pants and is HIS daddy, instead of vice-versa. My requested bank information is enclosed (a nice collection of made up and reversed phone numbers sent to me by Graig the Pussy-Whipped, earlier), and I shall follow your instructions implicitly upon receipt of my certificate of authentic. Thanks again for getting that incompetent pussy and embarrassment to the US Secret Service out of this transaction.

And sure enough, two days later, I received via email the certificate pictured above ;-) In which, if you remember Part I (The Wild Wild...East?), the signature on the certificate is that of Dr. Barry Skelton, one of those allegedly arrested by the Secret Service...LMAO).

But I don't make an issue of that; I simply respond that since you have held up your end of this legal transaction, I shall move at once to dispatch to you the $2050 you have requested, as directed and addressed. Thank you again for the professionalism of your services, versus those of the pussy and spineless wonder, Hector Graig, whose wife is a posterboard for flatulence abortions.

The 'digs' at Graig go unresponded to, but my last email from Osbourne is for me to send along Western Union MTCN as soon as possible for confirmaton of transferd.

That will take some time, because I am going to let Mr. Osbourne & Co. think the unthinkable: that I have mailed the payment via USPS airmail to the address they gave me above (HM Treasury, at the 1 Horse Guards Road addy in London). And after I tell them so, I get this:

SIR: once your fund file is open, we do not expect to spend above required time to complete this. When instructions is given from this offive, we do not expect you to change it without proper consulation with this offive. please do respect human right and personal dignity here (I am absolutely ROFLMAO at that one, but he goes on).

Every orgaization has it policy and goals and which client are obligrate to adhered to. Mr. Osbourne is not responsible to any monetary collection here. You should asked for the information of the cashier first. Checks from USA can not easily be cash here in UK and also due to frequent fraud checks authority has imposed some stiffed relegations on every international incoming money of any form.

You must to deal with this person at this bank informations:

William Oberschalek

Ohio, USA

Columbus Bank and Trust Company

ABA Routing Number: 061120000

Account Number: 91753100042591018

Type of Account: Checking

Authorized Representative: William Oberschlake (which IS it?)

Please to send to check as you is direct now.

Shall I wet on their Wheaties? Yes, I think I shall:

I do not know this William Olbershellack in Ohio, but yes, Ohio IS in the USA, somewhere, because I remember it from elementary school geography class, before it was outlawed. And what is this silly bullsh** about 'human right and dignity'? This is a BUSINESS transaction. Business is business. You'd do business with the Devil, if he had what you wanted or needed. I know you would. So do you.

So just tell Mr. Osbourne to look for the delivery at HIS office there on 1 Horse Garter Road. If he wants to wire it to Olbershanker afterward, that's his babycakes and blowfish. I have done what was needed. It's on its' way.

This apparently caused some confusion for my scammers. As you will see in their reply:

Your email was well noted. we want to herebye reitirate that we are not against you sending money to any place of your choice but to let you know as an organization that we observes and obeys all international policy on monetary aspect.

1. What courier company did you post the money through

2. What is the tracking digits

3. British Military law does not allow posted foriegn currency into the shore of UK

4. Was it cash or check?

5. Foreign checks does not be cashed here in UK

6. Do you desire a London account to effect the payment?

(and then, after in the previous email, telling me that Mr. Osbourne "is not responsible to any monetary collection here", comes this gem):

IT IS ADVICEABLE TO SEND DIRECTLY TO MR OSBOURNE THROUGH WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM IN LONDON HERE AND HE WILL PICK IT UP WITHOUT ANY INCONVENIENCES.

Time for more *fun* with Osbourne, Olbershanker & Co:

Dang, you blokes seem to have jumped the bloomin' shark here. I am totally f***ing confused. In the previous email, you tell me that Mr. Osbourne "is not responsible for any money collection here". I mean, what the f***...he's the gawddamned Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing Chequer!!!

But then...and this just f***ing kills me...you say "it is adviseable to send directly to Mr. Osbourne through Western Union or Money Gram in London here and he will pick it up without any inconveniences". Do you see where you just drove into one of your f***ing traffic circle-jerks, and are going round like a f***ing top?

It matters not: you pronounced that Mr. Osbourne was THE Chancellor of your Ex-f***ing Chequer, and by Gawd, that's where I sent the f***ing money, at his 1 Whores Guarded Road place.

Now, to answer your questions:

1: What courier company did you post the money through

I said and I'll f***ing say again that I sent the money via overseas AIRMAIL, deliverable in 7-10 days.

2: What is the tracking digits

There are no f***ing tracking digits...I sent it overseas airmail via the US Postal Service.

3: British Military law does not allow posted foriegn currency into the shore of UK

What the f*** do I care about what the British Military says about any of this sh**? What do a bunch of red-coated furheads at Buckingham Palace care a haggis spit about this??? I am a f***ing civilian, sending money to a civilian head of the Ex-f***ing Chequer, for crikey's cock-up!

4: Was it cash or check

It's a f***ing certified CHEQUE!!!

5: Foreign checks can not be cashed here in UK

Not my f***ing problem, boyo. You best get off your fat prat and bloody get crackin' to cash the bloody thing when it arrives.

6: Do you desire a London account to effect the payment

I desire to know why the Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer can't cash a certified check in US dollars; if he can't, then he's useless as balls on a hen.

I couldn't wait to see how they reacted to that reply; turned out, it held no surprises. They're morons:

SIR, USA CERTIFIED CHECK CAN NOT BE CASH OR CLEAR HERE IN UK. EVERY BODY KNOW THIS. RECALL BACK AND RESEND THROUGH ACCOUNT, WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM.

MR. WILLIAM OBERSCHLAKE IS OUR AFFICT OFFICE REPRESENTIVE HERE IN YOUR COUNTRY, BESIDE IT STIPULATED POLICY THAT ALL BENEFIARY FROM EACH COUNTRY PAY CHARGES TO IT COUNTRY OF ORGIN AND INTERNATIONAL.

THESE IS SIMPLE INSTRUCTS MEANWHILE WE SHALL ALERT SIR OSBOURNE (bastard got knighted during this shenanigan? I shall have to write the Queen about this! And he goes on) INCASE HE RECEVE HE WILL RETURN IT TO YOU.

Next up: THE finale. I think...

Sucks To Be Her

After 10 years of reading scam letters, I reckon I've gotten a tad cold-hearted.

Want proof? Here's my latest letter, received from an improbably-named Mandaline Randybyte:

Greeting in the name of our Lord. Glorification Latter from Mandaline Randybyte

please, as you read this latter, i dont want you to feel sorry for me (no worries, and she continues) because i believe that everyone will die someday (no feces, genius). i am Mrs mandaline randybyte .a woman from solomon irland i a m marry to mr John randybyte a citizen of cote d ivoire, who worked with embassy in Ivory coast for nine year before he die in the year October (okay, who changed the friggin' calendars again?).

before his death we are happy husband in Christian family (I won't ask) since his death i decide not to remarry or get child pregnated outside my matrimonal home which the bible is against it (don't ask me, I didn't write this drivel). when my husband was live we deposited the sum of $12 Million USD with one of the good banks in Abidjan prsently this money is still with the bank. recently my doctor told me that i have cardiac problem which affected my heart (tho' I slacked off in biology, I don't suppose a cardiac problem affected your hangnails) and the most is stroke and it is quite obvious that i wont live more than four moths (stay away from lights, moving windshields, bats and bug zappers) because the cancer stage has gotted a very bad stage (I'm surprised she didn't throw flesh-eating crotch crickets, demeaning plebney, and vaginal warts into the mix). my late husband was very wealthy and after his death i inherited all his business access (and apparently some of what kilt him).

my doctors has advised me that i may not live for more than four moths (see previous recommendations) so i take bold decision to devide the part of this wealth to contribute to the developed church in Africa, America, asia, europe and help of the motherless babys and widows (dang, what about the husbandless widows, who ate their spouses after web sex?) now the lord has called me to rest my life with him in heaven (is SHE in for a surprise) while i am willing to donate this money to you for the use of god charity work in your church and to help widows, motherless baby, and refuge in your country ($12 million pays for a lot of trash, shore 'nuff).

For the rest of it, get your cryin' towels out: i finish my praying and fasting for jesus lord to provide me a honest person who cannot betray me and use this fund for widows and motherless babys so i may rest in peace and know my live is good end. i ask you now promise me you will use this money for the help of charity work and promise me you will not betray me soon as you get money in hand.

Soonest i get your reply i send you the contact of bank here in Abidjan so that you will contact them on my half (I don't even want to know WHICH half). i will also issue you latter of authority that will empower you as new beneficary of this fund. realise of the fund to you as my health condition wont allow me to do my self.

Yours sister mandaline randybyte

So she prayed that "jesus lord" would find her an honest person, eh? And that prayer brought her to me, eh?

*Bad Skunk* coming on...

My reply went out with all the compassion and genuine concern that you have come to expect of me (if you're a regular reader here):

Dear Mandaline Wind Randybyter:

1. Sucks to be you.

2. Why do you byte Randys?

3. Do you own, or know anyone who owns, a computer with spellcheck?

4. What makes you think that I care a monkey f*** for your situation?

5. Repeat #1

6. Repeat #4

Sincerely,

Jack N. Ewehoff

I'm a cross between a Jehovah Witness and Atheist: I knock on doors for no reason.

Needless to say, that reply did NOT get me the bank contact in Abidjan. 'Spose if I look through my recent archives, I can probably find it....

You Ain't THAT Secret...(aka, Part II)

US Secret Service agent Hector Graig is a curious sort. When I demanded he send me a picture of him, holding up a sign with my 'name' on it, he responded by sending me the picture at the right (degraded, but not enough that I couldn't read a good deal of it), telling me that this was all I would get right now.

Then he follows it up with this completely ludicrous email:

There is some orders you can not give us. you are to follow our instructs to recieve fund for you to whom whom you are deal with. This I send you is all you intitle to.

My picture is privacy protect. you hear of bill of rights okay?

He's killin' me h'yar, he really is. So I keep it simple for him:

This is NOT what the f*** I requested. HELLOOOO????? Is there intelligent life out there?

That response was not well received:

That is officially what a client is require to have you cant not ask me to send my photo to you, for what? it is suppose be a private belonging? why must you request for that? who are you to order me to take my photo for you?

Who am I?? I am Jack N. Ewehoff. That's who I am. I would remind you, Sup Hector Graig Grimes, that it was you who contacted me in Jenny Maria Moore's email address, to lay all this deal on me, and not the other way around. That's how I come off wanting your bona fides. You, as a Secret Service operative, KNOW the problems in the world today with identity theft, scams, etc. SH**, you started this deal off by telling me about the folks you arrested!!!

A US Secret Service agent is REQUIRED BY LAW to provide ID when asked for it by a person the agent has approached. Of course, I'm not telling you anything that you don't know.

At any rate, without your authenticated picture, how the fuck am I supposed to know it's you I'm meeting, when I get off the f***ing plane at Dayton Airport next Monday, eh? F***ing explain that one to me, bub. Do you think I'm going to turn over $2050 in cash to just ANY schlep?

I ask you again: send me your photo, holding a sign with my name on it. ONLY THEN can I know what you look like and that you will be authentic when you pick me up at the airport, and I will know that it's you when I see you after I get off the plane. Yeah, I know that $3.6 million is a lot of money in exchange for a measly $2050, but right now, $2050 is a lot of money to me.

So, how's bout it?

Graig/Grimes ignores my last, and simply responds to one point therein:

SO ARE YOU COME ON MONDAY. DO WE PICK YOU UP OR YOU COME DIRECTY TO OUR OFFICE ADDRESS PROVIDED? LET US KNOW.

The "office address" provided, incidentally -- 1200 Central Avenue, Hamilton Ohio -- is the home of a steel manufacturing/products facility, NOT the offices of the US Secret Service/World Bank. Which I am sure would amuse the owner of the facility, in case he gets folks showing up, looking for either of the other. UNLESS, because it IS the US Secret Service, after all, they would keep their store front "secret", right?

;-)

Anyway, back to my ploy to get "the photo":

You still haven't sent me the picture bona fides that would ease my f***ing mind about this. A picture of you holding a sign with my name would make this a whole lot less f***ing stressful. As for Monday, that's not confirmed yet. I am waiting for your affirmation. If Monday doesn't work, I'll look at later in the week. But there IS no privacy issue here; I want to see who it is I am to look for when I arrive. I don't want to carry that kind of money just ANYWHERE, right?

Get back to me with some positives, so we can f***ing move forward.

He's still holding out for NOT sending me the photo:

Sir all is set for now. you are looking for face and not body. that is enough as far as i an concern. i am not photografer and can not look for one. As i said early i'll be at airport to receive you or if you want to come directly to my office fine.

There is nothing be afraid of here because evertyhing are high legal and i am not afraid of anything. i am US Secret Service. what more guarantee is greater than this? as you can see we are not asking you to send money throug Western Union which may may you suspise illegalty.

What time is your flight?

I really do have to stop laughing my ass off at this yutz while trying to reply...but I can't.

Since I'm going to f***ing meet you at the airport in Dayton, I still want a picture of you holding a sign with my name, so I can know it's you and that you are authentic. All you need for that is a digital camera and someone to take the picture and download it so you can email it to me. It's easy. Make sure my name is on the sign you hold, so I will know it is you without question.

I will book my flight when I receive it.

He's still trying to ignore that part:

Sir, trans air or spirit air are cheapest to Dayton. Update me with full data once you buy the ticket so I can know exactly when to be at the airport to recieve you.

Still not letting him off the hook:

I will look into those two airlines. BUT FIRST...send me the picture of you holding a readable sign with my name on it, and THEN, with me comfortable with your bona fides, I'll book my flight and send you the information. First the picture; then the flight reservations. Them's my terms.

Jack

My persistence on that picture is starting to get to this US Secret Service agent of dubious antecedence:

you are picture obsess! just follow instructs to travel to Dayton! you know me when I meet you there! now when you fly here?

When I GET THE PICTURE OF YOU HOLDING UP A SIGN WITH MY F***ING NAME ON IT! ARE YOU DUMB AS A DOORKNOB???

The answer to that will come in the concluding Part III.

*Blogger's note: Paul, Andy *begged* me to do this. And CJ. And Matt. And others. Or maybe it was just Andy. Or not ;-)*

Happy Birthday to Mississippi's own Paul Mitchell, architect, blogger, and overall irreverent good guy who ain't 'fraid to roll around in the mud to get 'er dun!

Will your favorite paper, the Cladipus Licker, be running a full page story?

Femme Fatale

*NOTE: I'm STILL working on getting my Secret Service scammer to make with the picture I've requested...so here's a recent lil' something to fill the void*

From the cornudopia of plenty that is my email scam folder, I had another of those *please make a daid mom's dream come true by falling for this scam* salvos during a rather busy time of email scamming.

My meteorological storm chasing should be this productive.

Anyway, it was a rather badly written, albeit amusingly so, scam letter. So I'll share it, and the only so-called exchange that took place thereafter.

Title: Hello!!! i writ on half of late Madam Nadia Rashid

Good day,

Its a pithy after suddn deaf of pass away mother Mrs Nadia Rashid after all she pass through cemotherpy surgury operaton she go directly by doctor to, and she no wake up again in afterlife. before her die she complain bitterly on her promise to god and she mention you name often until her last breth (is she complaining bitterly to God about me, or to me about God, or about em to dog? Don't look for elucidation in what follows).

Contining she use purse knowing not you abilty to compete her desire over claim utilize of fud (guess she knew Elmer, too).

I must asure you her dealing with you and thanks be to God that she make you benefitary before her die. i dont not to think that there will be misshapen but i must assit to the last to see for the cause.

Yeah, I'm alternating between laughing and *WTFing* here, too, and whomever continues:

my believe is one with God is majority and he can allow out foot to move in time. Ali Abraham in India want to compensat you with some of $300,000 USD for all you do before (whatever and to whomever it apparently was or wasn't). he arrange to bank for atm card (MASTERCARD) which you can use to withdrap money in any atm machine in the glob, and card he deposit in bank at Abidjan to be delivery you (y'know...I think I went to school with this guy, and learned the hard way NOT to copy his test answers in English class).

you have to contact the courer service now were you atm card has be depost . contact them by email to (the email addy) or to spak at them by phone (a phone number with country code for the Ivory Coast). you must to reach DR KEVIN KONE and tell to him how you will get your card.

yours truy,

Angela/nurse

Busy with five other scammers at the moment, I just didn't take the time necessary to add this one to the list; hence, one of my (un)patented replies that usually guarantees a thundering *silence*:

Oh, come on...don't lie to me. Mrs. "Ever-Ready" Nadia Rashid didn't die in post-op; she died of predatory crotch crickets, contracted during one of her marathon slutfests with the 1st Company, 1st Battalion, 1st Islamist Suicide Bombers Dating Service, International Local 686 ("We Go Out With A BANG"). She KNEW that all those promised "virgins" for getting blowd up, were just rebushed goats, and a lot of anguished martyrs with loads of testosterone, would wind up with no where to go and nothing to do widdit. So I am beyond sure that my name was NOT the last thing on her mind; her last conscious thoughts were on raising her prices before the next graduating class.

Besides, I don't know Ali Abraham, but you should: he molested your pet goat when he was 19. The nightmares you've had ever since, courtesy of the psychic connection between you and your pet goat Cous Cous, are HIS FAULT. Put a jihad on his ass.

I think that I was just as confusing to the scammer, as he/she/baaaaaaaaa was to me: all I got back in reply was my message, with no accompanying comment.

Perhaps it was a suicide message, wherein all the syntax was blowd up in transmission?

If so, perhaps a big OH CRAP is in order: there might be a hole in the Internet, and letters are pouring out. Will "Daddy" plug the hole?

The FBI Out To Pastor

*While I continue to work a purported US Secret Service scammer in Ohio, enjoy this repost of a favorite scambait from '08*

In a recent one-exchange (I thought) tiff with a noted online scammer -- Prof. Charles Soludo -- I had adopted yet another fauxguise, one well known in some quandrants, especially on BET and YouTube, where he is irreverently known as "Pastor Gas", the (dis) Honorabull Rev. Robert Tilton. Rev. Tilton was suitably irreverent and most unpastorly when it came to replying to the oft-replied-to Crook Soludo.

Tart, insult-laden replies usually silence the ungood professor. But not this time. Instead, his mutton-headed minions decided to employ shock-scam treatment, and use their own fauxguise that brings sphincters to attention at the drop of their formidable acronym: The FBI.

Witness their opening gambit to bring "Rev" Tilton into line:

Email title: DO NOT GET YOURSELF INTO TROUBLE!

Email address: investigations@fbigov.com

From: ANTI TERRORIST & MONITORY CRIME DIVISON

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ADVICE FROM THE FBI FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT IT HAS COME TO OUR NOTICE THAT THE HSBC BANK LIVERPOOL DISTRICT HAS RELEASED $49,500,000 US DOLLARS INOT YOUR ACCOUNT HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BY A.TM MEANS (dagnabbit, why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things? I'm rich and I don't even KNOW IT?).

It goes on THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (*toing*) KNOWING FULLY WELL THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FACILITY TO EFFECT THIS PAYMENT FROM UNITED KINGDOM TO YOUR ACCOUNT USED WHAT WE KNOW AS A SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT PAYMENTS TO PAY THIS FUND THROUGH ATM , THEY USED THIS MEANS TO COMPLETE THE PAYMENT AND INSTAED OF PAYING $49.5 MILLION, THEY PAID $8,300,000 (the bastards shorted me? Call a cop! Oops...someone already did...).

After some more nonsense, they go on with RECORDS WHICH WE HAVE HAD WITH THIS METHOD OF PAYMENT IN THE PAST HAS ALWAYS BEEN RELATED TO TERRORIST ACTS, WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO GET INTO TROUBLE AS SOO AS THESE FUNDS RELFLECT IN YOUR ACCOUNT IN THE USA SO IT IS OUR DUTY TOAS A WORD WIDE COMMISSION TO CORRECT THIS LITTLE PROBLEM ("little problem"? LMAO) BEFORE THIS FUND IS DELIVERED .

It goes on for paragraphs of meant-to-sound-official-and-intimidating gobbledygook, until this paragraph: FAILURE TO FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTION WILL RESUT IN YOUR BEING ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH MONEY LAUDERING.

Then they go on, in several more paragraphs, to tell me how I am to follow their instructions, so as to receive these funds and stay out of trouble. Isn't that really nice of our hard-working FBI?

The capper, of course, is who it is that sent me -- aka, Rev. Robert Tilton -- this email: SINCERELY YOUR, ROBERT S. MUELLER III, FBI DIRECTOR And it concludes with his picture.

I decided to let 'em think they'd caught ol' Pastor Gas tinklin' in his diddies, with this quick response: Dear FBI, I never meant to do anything illicit that involved you guys! What can I do to stay out of trouble? Please, tell me!!!

That got a dual response: another one from Director Mueller, and one from his leading agent in the FBI's Lagos, Nigeria branch office, Lt. John Charles (httpwww.fbi_usgov@live.com):

Some time ago, your Nigerian friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached you and requested you assist them conclude a mony transfer deal they had with you, they requested you assist them by removing the original contractors name from the bank vetting and replacing them with your name and your details in order to make you appear as the rightful benefiary of this funds.you agreed and they said you will share the mony with them as soon as your name appears as benefiary. So this is just a clue to show you that we are very investigative and have all details to persecute you, but we shall give you the opportuntiy to recieve the funds and make it clean, since it is coming into our dear country, but if you do not co-perate then we shall take negative action.

Maybe you think, that we are joking , but this will mean to tell you we are serious: you are under an observational /investigation in connection with mony laudering.

I guess he told me. He goes on to tell me that there are "documents" I must send to his office, to "clean" and "authenticate" my access to the funds, and that there will be "certan fees and penileties assesed" to make things legal.

I just have to love lots of things about this: Director Mueller himself, undertaking to write to me with his overstated font, his poorly-proofread text, but the convincing touch of including his photo. How could one not instantly find credibility and believability in that? And the existence of an FBI branch office in Lagos, Nigeria; how totally convenient. I'm glad our FBI is "word wide", indeed.

In response to Lt. John Charles, Pastor Gas sends this:

So, exactly what paperwork do I need to send you? How much are the fees and penileties involved? I am a Gawd-fearing, law-abiding citizen, and as such I so do wish to cooperate to the expectancy of your esteemed offices.

Then a Paul Smith (paul-smith-atm.centre@live.com) weighs in, with a preposterous claim that I need to pay a $150 fee for the "authenticated" ATM card I will receive from his office -- as authorized by Lt. John Charles of the Nigerian FBI office -- and that "this is not included with penltys assorted with FBI issue". Which I guess means there'll be additional "fees and penileties" for me to pay to the FBI itself. And, Mr. Smith insists that I must make the payment within 48 hours, to avoid further sanctions from legal authorities. Of course, I tell Paul Smith (copied to Lt. Charles AND Director Mueller) the same fawning crap, "I will follow whatever you direct with utmost integrity and dispatch", but I do "request an extension to meet whatever fee and penileities costs are required of me".

A day later, sure enough, arrives confirmation that the FBI has some "fees and penileties" to assess of me as well, per Lt. Charles:

AM IN RECEPT OF YOUR EMAIL WHICH I RECEIVE AND I UNDERSTAND ALL YOU EXPLAIN. I WANT YOU TO NOW THAT WE HAVE GRANT YOUR REQUEST

AND YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU SENT THE FEE FIRST THING WEDNESDAY MORNING (June 25) SO THAT I CAN SECURE THE REQUIRED DOCUMENT FOR YOUR FINAL TRANSFER AS THE FBI IN YOUR COUNTRY HAVE STATED AND WILL NOT WATE BEYOND FOR PERSECUTION.

YOU WILL SEND FEE OF $4,000 USD THIS WAY:

NAME: JOHN CHARLES

ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA

TEST QUESTION: COLOR

TEST ANSWER: GREEN

AMOUNT SENT: $2,000

NAME: JOHN CHARLES

ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA

TEST QUESTION: COLOR

TEST ANSWER: GREEN

AMOUNT SENT: $2,000

ASS OON AS YOU SEND THE FEE EMAIL US THE MTCN CONTROL NUMBER AND ALSO EMAIL THE FBI IN YOUR COUNTRY A COPY OF THE PAYMENT SLIP FOR SECURITY AND RECORD PURPOSES. I WILL BE WATING FOR HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATIONS TOMORROW AS WE HAVE CONCLUDED, SO YOUR NAME CNA BE CLEERED UP FROM THIS MESS OR YOU WILL BE PERSECUTED.

So, Lt. Charles wants $4,000, and this pipsqueak Paul Smith wants $150. What's a crooked, deceitful, flatulence-laden TV evangelist of dubious antecedence to do here?

Easy: send it to 'em. Using assorted currency I've collected for other scammers, of course.

So on the early morning of Wednesday, June 25, I attach front/back copies of a Nigerian bank note, an Iraqi bank note from the Saddam Hussein era, and my (un)patented deer butt door bell Euro, and send the following email to all three of my new-found "friends":

My good Chief Inspector Mueller, Lt. Charles, and Mr. Smith,

It is my pleasure and desire to aid, assist, and follow the dictates of, after my God, the premier law enforcement agency in the word today, the FBI. While the reasons that brought you to contact me, shook me to my very flatulent core, I realize tht it was your interest in giving me the business that was behind your contact and subsequent directions. I especially wish to thank Chief Inspector Mueller, who took time out of his busy schedule, just to take my case in personal charge.

I am convinced that all of this came about because of His Will. And thus it shall be, in accordance with that He directs and you seek.

Now, I realize you asked for US dollars; but as at least one of your probably knows, US dollars have suffered some recently abroad, value-wise. This caused me some downright concern, gentlemen: I felt that US dollars were not worthy of the Men in Black, men of a stripe like Efraim Zimbalist, Jr., J. Edgar Hoover or Monty Python. So I am sending you a mixed bag of currency. Print it off, and duplicate as much of it as you need to accomplish that which you say must be accomplished. I know that the FBI has the resources and facilities to accomplish this most effectively; I mean, if a backwards country full of North Koreans can counterfeit everyone elses' currency on a word-wide scale, for the FBI, this will be childs' play.

Now, I know what you're thinking: this is ILLEGAL. Illegal, illschmegel! You're the FBI! Arrest anyone who gets in your way or questions what you're doing! If a twit like Robert Mugabe can do it, the mighty FBI certainly can! For thine has the power, and the guns, and the cajones, amen!

Don't bother to thank me, gentlemen: it is I, who thank you. I thank you for allowing me to serve the FBI as you have arranged for me to do. And please, don't forget to tithe for widows, orphans, and the reduction of carbon footprints.

Rev. Robert Tilton

Word of Faith Methanic Ministries

"Serving God is a gas! Phfffffft!"

That drew no more commentary from Director Mueller or this pipsqueak Paul Smith; but Lt. Charles wasn't done:

AM IN RECEPT OF YOUR EMAIL, WHAT A HELL ARE YOU TALK ABOUT ARE YOU OKAY. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SEND THE REQUIRED FEE FOR ME TO ISSUE DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN AS YOU CAN SEE AM A BESIE MAN, I DEAL WITH SELIOUS PEEPLE AND I HAVE MANY PEOLPLE TO ATTEND. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT IF THROW IT NOW DO IF NOT LIKE DON'T LIKE. I ADIVICE YOU TO PORCEED AND SEND FEE OR YOU WILL BEAR CONSEQUENCE. YOU HAVE TWO DAYS BEFORE LEGAL ACTION TAKEN ON YOU.

Pastor Gas replies, but not in the manner they might have expected:

Gentlemen,

I almost forgot...would you please send me receipts for the funds I sent to you? I will need them for my 2008 taxes, to list under "miscellaneous operating expenses". I am sure that even the FBI can appreciate my not wishing to get cross-ways with the IRS, either.

Thank you,

Rev. Robert Tilton

The silence was deafening...

The Wild Wild...East?

It's not every day that I get an email from...The US Secret Service.

After reading it, I agreed with the dog: this smells.

Not that I don't know of and about the US Secret Service. James West and Artemus Gordon introduced many of us to 'prime directive' of this branch of the federal government, via 1960s TV.

In the '90s, Clint Eastwood had to step away from Dirty Harry but a short distance, to become a Secret Service agent In The Line of Fire.

And while I suspected that the Secret Service might delve into online scamming under some circumstances, I didn't reckon that 'delve' to be on the side of the scammers.

Here's what I got:

Subject: Inteligent Report On Your Fund's Delay: Acknowledge!!!

Attn. Beneficiary, with due respects, we are gad to announce you that the IMPOSERS who has been trying to scam you of Beneficiary's Inheritant Fund has been arrest and only $3.6 million us dollars has been discovered from them out of the $5.5 million usd. It has been deposit inot our private/secret account for security raisons till you show up.

Attached are pictures of the arrested (uh, there ain't no attached pictures) we also wish to inform you that you must no send money to any one through the internet without proper investigaton and authorization by this office. to name but few, the imposers who claim to be Mrs. Marilyn Melberg, Dr. Barry Skelton and Sir Allen Pearce has all been arrest.

To this effect, our HUMAN BEHAVIOUS OBSERVERS (their WTF???) has hinted and advise us that we should not deal with on the internet again during this final process of release your fung to your designated account to you (I have a fung? Leave it to the government to know that).

Due to what you have been going through, he has advice that a direct contact be establish between us and you so that you can receive you fung through any method/means you prefer without any further delay.

Our World Bank Inteligent Team has been relocate to Ohio which we believe is in your country (there are times I'm not sure about that, either, but I digress) to make sure final/successful complete of your fund release is convenently without any further stress.

How do you want us to serve you sir (he don' know me vewy well, do he?). can you come down here to receive your fund in Cash or how do you want your fund? let us know. Ohio don't require a passport in your country I think (a five minute break was needed for me to recompose and pick myself up off the floor after reading THAT gem).

After thourough invesigation which is going to be complete within next 24 hour, you fung will be release or handed orver to you facely (doing things facely is such a comfort, I reckum).

Yours in Service, Sup. Hector Graig, For Inteligent Team

World Bank/US Secret Service

How does one answer THAT? Well, I let my character, Jack N. Ewehoff, handle that:

Thank you, Secret Service, for protecting and serving me. I cannot begin to express to you how I coped while reading this.

I am disappointed, however, that the promised arrest photos were arrested by your computer, and not shared with mine. Your credibility blows goats with that one.

To your question of how I want the $3.6 million USD sent to me? In cash, of course, you dumb ass. Whaddaya think I'd take it in? Meerkat skins?

It took a couple days, but Sup. Hector Graig apparently wasn't pleased with my response:

Subject: YOU OWE APLOLOGY

Attn. Jack N. Ewehoff,

We are US Secret Service and you dont talk like us to that ok? you aplopogize or you will see your fund never ok?

A US Secret Service agent with (a) no grammatical skills and (b) feelings. Hmmmm:

Agent James West, you're a f***ing Secret Service agent. Grow up and get the f*** over it. Now, get to my money here, and tell me how I get to it there. In Ohio, you say? Sh**, a map of this h'yar countree shows me that Ohio IS part of the US, so I don't need a stupid passport, you f***ing idiot. So just where the f*** in Ohio do I have to go?

I think that reply was more insulting than the last one; but apparently my respondent has different priorities:

I am not James West i am Hector Graig. You need to come to Hamilton, OHIO, USA, to collect your fund facely. you will must bring alto your passport ID as proof of you, and process fee for money transfer. you should arrive here soonest so that complication not happen. when can you be expect?

A scammer, acting like a typical government bureaucrap. Granted, there ARE similiarities, but I digress:

Hold the f*** on, Mr. West Hector. Stand the f*** by. WHERE in Hamilton, OHIO, USA, do I have to go? And you said I didn't need a passport to go there, you f***ing dumbass. I need to find out how to fly to Hamilton, and how much that will f***ing cost me. And what about this f***ing fee? Doesn't your IR-f***ing-S get enough fees out of me already? Some answers, bub.

Lil' ol' me's language is causing this Secret Service agent some issues, but not the ones you'd expect:

relly, sir, you languag is hard to red. and my name is Hector GRAIG please. Now, you will to Dayton Ohio airport tomorrow and we can orrange meet you to take you to 1200 Central Avenue in Hamilton to our office in there. you will bring to this facely a sum of $2050 usd for purpose of fund transfer and legal process. you will leave with your moneys allgether. you understand this?

Oh, Jack understands too f***ing well:

Okay, agent Graig Artemus, I f***ing got it. I'm not some f***ing illiterate child like your mama was. And it won't be to-f***ing-morrow; I can't just drop my pants and not trip over sh** like you, bub. I will make proper f***ing arrangements to come and f***ing facely with you at the address you gave. And you better have all this sh** ready when I arrive, bub.

Before he can reply to that, I have one of those mental and oft-times pesky *TOING*s that suggest I'm about to do something dumber than heretofore, and I add a second follow-up:

Say, fella, just how the f***ing hell do I KNOW you're who you say you are? Tell you what: here's how you prove your bona fides to me. You take a picture of you, holding a cardboard sign with my name printed in big, readable block letters. That's Jack N. Ewehoff. You send me that, and I'll know you are legit, and I'll be on a plane 24 hours after I receive that from you.

I really hadn't planned on there being a Part II to this silliness....but there is. Me thinks you'll laugh. At whom, remains to be seed.