You Ain't THAT Secret -- Finale (almost)

My...er Jack N. Ewehoff's efforts to get US Secret Service agent Hector Graig/Graig Hector to send Jack a photo of the agent, holding a sign with Jack's name on it, came acropper.

Here, the agent explains that sir, you case must not be diffent from other tranaction we have handle. we must follow the right procedure. this is how we have been operate and you are not going to receve prefer treatment here. asking for a photo do not guarantee anything.

Jack's response is c'mon agent Graig: first, send me the photo I've requested. THEN I will book my flight and send you the f***ing itinerary. But first, THE PHOTO.

That got this in reply: You have no reason to demand for my photo. no reason absolute. please to be remind that you are not doing me a favour by coming to collect your fund. am getting suspicious of why you need my photo against all odd dspite the top class information you gived. i'm realy get nervous about this and my wife she say you dont need my photo. what for? why you so desprate for my photo?

So now his WIFE is advising him on what to do? And HE'S the Secret Service agent? Oh, this is too good for Jack to overlook:

Let me get this straight: YOU'RE the US Secret Service agent, and YOU are getting nervous about ME -- lil' ol' civilian ME -- asking for you to authenticate with a simple picture doing a simple instruction? And you take orders from your WIFE? What, does SHE wear the pants in your famdamily? Is she what that notable animation, Eric Cartman, dubbed "SuperBeeyotch"? Follow your instructions, and tell your wife to shut her pie hole and go get dinner ready.

With that, the tactics change, and a new angle is inserted into the game:

i no like you insut my wife. you leave me be (is HE his own wife? This dude's one for the scambait books). if you want receive your fund, you follow this instruction now. you send your bank receiving informations to the Barclay Bank in UK, and provide to them this to get your fund send (it gave me a new email address to contact, and included instructions for me to list the name of my bank, account, routing and swift code numbers, and my bank address). you are to proced this way now. you get no picture of me and you get off my wife if you want fund.

I couldn't pass up a parting salvo on that last line:

Graig, I wouldn't mount your wife if she were the only lay on Earth, and I was paid for it. What right-minded male would have sex with a water buffalo? Besides, since you're such a pussy over a picture, I can't believe any longer that the US Secret Service employs you for anything other than picking up trash in the parking lot. You are such a spineless wuss. I'll contact the bank you mentioned, and see if they're more professional and less pussy-whipped than you are.

So when I wrote to the 'bank' -- asking that they be more professional and cooperative than the pussy from the Secret Service -- I got back the following:

We have been waiting to here from you. Please provide with no delay the informations we require so that we can expedit your fund within 24 hours (and they repeated the information list requested). Please to remit the needed fee payment of $2050 by Western Union, and send as follows to:

Barclay's Bank

attn: Rt Hon George Osbourne MP

Chancellor of the Exchequer

HM Treasury

1 Horse Guards Road

London SW1A 2 HQ

Fax 020 7270 4580

The part I loved best is that (a) the header still had the US Secret Service/World Bank logos, and it was concluded from none other than hisself, Sup Hector Graig.

So I decided to see if the bank was as sensitive and pussified as Graig:

Dear Bank: if you are Barclay's, why does your email response have the US Secret Service/World Bank logos at the top, and is signed by that absolute useless f***ing pussy and embarrassment to the US Secret Service, Hector Graig? Explain that, please.

That drew this amusing response:

Sir, you are to disassociate youself at one from Graig Hector. He is no long a point of concern here for you. You are to deal direct with me, George Osbourne, as instruct in email okay? Send please your bank informations as request, and the Western Union fees of $2050 as instructed, and your fund will be release to your bank as you say. Your certificate of Authentic will be send as soon as you send your bank informations. Fee to be sended when you receive your document. Is this agreeable?

Jack responds with agreement and enthusiasm:

Sir, it is FINALLY a pleasure to be dealing with a professional, and not some pussified, ham-handed Secret Service agent who's wife wears his pants and is HIS daddy, instead of vice-versa. My requested bank information is enclosed (a nice collection of made up and reversed phone numbers sent to me by Graig the Pussy-Whipped, earlier), and I shall follow your instructions implicitly upon receipt of my certificate of authentic. Thanks again for getting that incompetent pussy and embarrassment to the US Secret Service out of this transaction.

And sure enough, two days later, I received via email the certificate pictured above ;-) In which, if you remember Part I (The Wild Wild...East?), the signature on the certificate is that of Dr. Barry Skelton, one of those allegedly arrested by the Secret Service...LMAO).

But I don't make an issue of that; I simply respond that since you have held up your end of this legal transaction, I shall move at once to dispatch to you the $2050 you have requested, as directed and addressed. Thank you again for the professionalism of your services, versus those of the pussy and spineless wonder, Hector Graig, whose wife is a posterboard for flatulence abortions.

The 'digs' at Graig go unresponded to, but my last email from Osbourne is for me to send along Western Union MTCN as soon as possible for confirmaton of transferd.

That will take some time, because I am going to let Mr. Osbourne & Co. think the unthinkable: that I have mailed the payment via USPS airmail to the address they gave me above (HM Treasury, at the 1 Horse Guards Road addy in London). And after I tell them so, I get this:

SIR: once your fund file is open, we do not expect to spend above required time to complete this. When instructions is given from this offive, we do not expect you to change it without proper consulation with this offive. please do respect human right and personal dignity here (I am absolutely ROFLMAO at that one, but he goes on).

Every orgaization has it policy and goals and which client are obligrate to adhered to. Mr. Osbourne is not responsible to any monetary collection here. You should asked for the information of the cashier first. Checks from USA can not easily be cash here in UK and also due to frequent fraud checks authority has imposed some stiffed relegations on every international incoming money of any form.

You must to deal with this person at this bank informations:

William Oberschalek

Ohio, USA

Columbus Bank and Trust Company

ABA Routing Number: 061120000

Account Number: 91753100042591018

Type of Account: Checking

Authorized Representative: William Oberschlake (which IS it?)

Please to send to check as you is direct now.

Shall I wet on their Wheaties? Yes, I think I shall:

I do not know this William Olbershellack in Ohio, but yes, Ohio IS in the USA, somewhere, because I remember it from elementary school geography class, before it was outlawed. And what is this silly bullsh** about 'human right and dignity'? This is a BUSINESS transaction. Business is business. You'd do business with the Devil, if he had what you wanted or needed. I know you would. So do you.

So just tell Mr. Osbourne to look for the delivery at HIS office there on 1 Horse Garter Road. If he wants to wire it to Olbershanker afterward, that's his babycakes and blowfish. I have done what was needed. It's on its' way.

This apparently caused some confusion for my scammers. As you will see in their reply:

Your email was well noted. we want to herebye reitirate that we are not against you sending money to any place of your choice but to let you know as an organization that we observes and obeys all international policy on monetary aspect.

1. What courier company did you post the money through

2. What is the tracking digits

3. British Military law does not allow posted foriegn currency into the shore of UK

4. Was it cash or check?

5. Foreign checks does not be cashed here in UK

6. Do you desire a London account to effect the payment?

(and then, after in the previous email, telling me that Mr. Osbourne "is not responsible to any monetary collection here", comes this gem):

IT IS ADVICEABLE TO SEND DIRECTLY TO MR OSBOURNE THROUGH WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM IN LONDON HERE AND HE WILL PICK IT UP WITHOUT ANY INCONVENIENCES.

Time for more *fun* with Osbourne, Olbershanker & Co:

Dang, you blokes seem to have jumped the bloomin' shark here. I am totally f***ing confused. In the previous email, you tell me that Mr. Osbourne "is not responsible for any money collection here". I mean, what the f***...he's the gawddamned Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing Chequer!!!

But then...and this just f***ing kills me...you say "it is adviseable to send directly to Mr. Osbourne through Western Union or Money Gram in London here and he will pick it up without any inconveniences". Do you see where you just drove into one of your f***ing traffic circle-jerks, and are going round like a f***ing top?

It matters not: you pronounced that Mr. Osbourne was THE Chancellor of your Ex-f***ing Chequer, and by Gawd, that's where I sent the f***ing money, at his 1 Whores Guarded Road place.

Now, to answer your questions:

1: What courier company did you post the money through

I said and I'll f***ing say again that I sent the money via overseas AIRMAIL, deliverable in 7-10 days.

2: What is the tracking digits

There are no f***ing tracking digits...I sent it overseas airmail via the US Postal Service.

3: British Military law does not allow posted foriegn currency into the shore of UK

What the f*** do I care about what the British Military says about any of this sh**? What do a bunch of red-coated furheads at Buckingham Palace care a haggis spit about this??? I am a f***ing civilian, sending money to a civilian head of the Ex-f***ing Chequer, for crikey's cock-up!

4: Was it cash or check

It's a f***ing certified CHEQUE!!!

5: Foreign checks can not be cashed here in UK

Not my f***ing problem, boyo. You best get off your fat prat and bloody get crackin' to cash the bloody thing when it arrives.

6: Do you desire a London account to effect the payment

I desire to know why the Chancellor of the Ex-f***ing-Chequer can't cash a certified check in US dollars; if he can't, then he's useless as balls on a hen.

I couldn't wait to see how they reacted to that reply; turned out, it held no surprises. They're morons:

SIR, USA CERTIFIED CHECK CAN NOT BE CASH OR CLEAR HERE IN UK. EVERY BODY KNOW THIS. RECALL BACK AND RESEND THROUGH ACCOUNT, WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM.

MR. WILLIAM OBERSCHLAKE IS OUR AFFICT OFFICE REPRESENTIVE HERE IN YOUR COUNTRY, BESIDE IT STIPULATED POLICY THAT ALL BENEFIARY FROM EACH COUNTRY PAY CHARGES TO IT COUNTRY OF ORGIN AND INTERNATIONAL.

THESE IS SIMPLE INSTRUCTS MEANWHILE WE SHALL ALERT SIR OSBOURNE (bastard got knighted during this shenanigan? I shall have to write the Queen about this! And he goes on) INCASE HE RECEVE HE WILL RETURN IT TO YOU.

Next up: THE finale. I think...

You Ain't THAT Secret...(aka, Part II)

US Secret Service agent Hector Graig is a curious sort. When I demanded he send me a picture of him, holding up a sign with my 'name' on it, he responded by sending me the picture at the right (degraded, but not enough that I couldn't read a good deal of it), telling me that this was all I would get right now.

Then he follows it up with this completely ludicrous email:

There is some orders you can not give us. you are to follow our instructs to recieve fund for you to whom whom you are deal with. This I send you is all you intitle to.

My picture is privacy protect. you hear of bill of rights okay?

He's killin' me h'yar, he really is. So I keep it simple for him:

This is NOT what the f*** I requested. HELLOOOO????? Is there intelligent life out there?

That response was not well received:

That is officially what a client is require to have you cant not ask me to send my photo to you, for what? it is suppose be a private belonging? why must you request for that? who are you to order me to take my photo for you?

Who am I?? I am Jack N. Ewehoff. That's who I am. I would remind you, Sup Hector Graig Grimes, that it was you who contacted me in Jenny Maria Moore's email address, to lay all this deal on me, and not the other way around. That's how I come off wanting your bona fides. You, as a Secret Service operative, KNOW the problems in the world today with identity theft, scams, etc. SH**, you started this deal off by telling me about the folks you arrested!!!

A US Secret Service agent is REQUIRED BY LAW to provide ID when asked for it by a person the agent has approached. Of course, I'm not telling you anything that you don't know.

At any rate, without your authenticated picture, how the fuck am I supposed to know it's you I'm meeting, when I get off the f***ing plane at Dayton Airport next Monday, eh? F***ing explain that one to me, bub. Do you think I'm going to turn over $2050 in cash to just ANY schlep?

I ask you again: send me your photo, holding a sign with my name on it. ONLY THEN can I know what you look like and that you will be authentic when you pick me up at the airport, and I will know that it's you when I see you after I get off the plane. Yeah, I know that $3.6 million is a lot of money in exchange for a measly $2050, but right now, $2050 is a lot of money to me.

So, how's bout it?

Graig/Grimes ignores my last, and simply responds to one point therein:

SO ARE YOU COME ON MONDAY. DO WE PICK YOU UP OR YOU COME DIRECTY TO OUR OFFICE ADDRESS PROVIDED? LET US KNOW.

The "office address" provided, incidentally -- 1200 Central Avenue, Hamilton Ohio -- is the home of a steel manufacturing/products facility, NOT the offices of the US Secret Service/World Bank. Which I am sure would amuse the owner of the facility, in case he gets folks showing up, looking for either of the other. UNLESS, because it IS the US Secret Service, after all, they would keep their store front "secret", right?

;-)

Anyway, back to my ploy to get "the photo":

You still haven't sent me the picture bona fides that would ease my f***ing mind about this. A picture of you holding a sign with my name would make this a whole lot less f***ing stressful. As for Monday, that's not confirmed yet. I am waiting for your affirmation. If Monday doesn't work, I'll look at later in the week. But there IS no privacy issue here; I want to see who it is I am to look for when I arrive. I don't want to carry that kind of money just ANYWHERE, right?

Get back to me with some positives, so we can f***ing move forward.

He's still holding out for NOT sending me the photo:

Sir all is set for now. you are looking for face and not body. that is enough as far as i an concern. i am not photografer and can not look for one. As i said early i'll be at airport to receive you or if you want to come directly to my office fine.

There is nothing be afraid of here because evertyhing are high legal and i am not afraid of anything. i am US Secret Service. what more guarantee is greater than this? as you can see we are not asking you to send money throug Western Union which may may you suspise illegalty.

What time is your flight?

I really do have to stop laughing my ass off at this yutz while trying to reply...but I can't.

Since I'm going to f***ing meet you at the airport in Dayton, I still want a picture of you holding a sign with my name, so I can know it's you and that you are authentic. All you need for that is a digital camera and someone to take the picture and download it so you can email it to me. It's easy. Make sure my name is on the sign you hold, so I will know it is you without question.

I will book my flight when I receive it.

He's still trying to ignore that part:

Sir, trans air or spirit air are cheapest to Dayton. Update me with full data once you buy the ticket so I can know exactly when to be at the airport to recieve you.

Still not letting him off the hook:

I will look into those two airlines. BUT FIRST...send me the picture of you holding a readable sign with my name on it, and THEN, with me comfortable with your bona fides, I'll book my flight and send you the information. First the picture; then the flight reservations. Them's my terms.

Jack

My persistence on that picture is starting to get to this US Secret Service agent of dubious antecedence:

you are picture obsess! just follow instructs to travel to Dayton! you know me when I meet you there! now when you fly here?

When I GET THE PICTURE OF YOU HOLDING UP A SIGN WITH MY F***ING NAME ON IT! ARE YOU DUMB AS A DOORKNOB???

The answer to that will come in the concluding Part III.

The Wild Wild...East?

It's not every day that I get an email from...The US Secret Service.

After reading it, I agreed with the dog: this smells.

Not that I don't know of and about the US Secret Service. James West and Artemus Gordon introduced many of us to 'prime directive' of this branch of the federal government, via 1960s TV.

In the '90s, Clint Eastwood had to step away from Dirty Harry but a short distance, to become a Secret Service agent In The Line of Fire.

And while I suspected that the Secret Service might delve into online scamming under some circumstances, I didn't reckon that 'delve' to be on the side of the scammers.

Here's what I got:

Subject: Inteligent Report On Your Fund's Delay: Acknowledge!!!

Attn. Beneficiary, with due respects, we are gad to announce you that the IMPOSERS who has been trying to scam you of Beneficiary's Inheritant Fund has been arrest and only $3.6 million us dollars has been discovered from them out of the $5.5 million usd. It has been deposit inot our private/secret account for security raisons till you show up.

Attached are pictures of the arrested (uh, there ain't no attached pictures) we also wish to inform you that you must no send money to any one through the internet without proper investigaton and authorization by this office. to name but few, the imposers who claim to be Mrs. Marilyn Melberg, Dr. Barry Skelton and Sir Allen Pearce has all been arrest.

To this effect, our HUMAN BEHAVIOUS OBSERVERS (their WTF???) has hinted and advise us that we should not deal with on the internet again during this final process of release your fung to your designated account to you (I have a fung? Leave it to the government to know that).

Due to what you have been going through, he has advice that a direct contact be establish between us and you so that you can receive you fung through any method/means you prefer without any further delay.

Our World Bank Inteligent Team has been relocate to Ohio which we believe is in your country (there are times I'm not sure about that, either, but I digress) to make sure final/successful complete of your fund release is convenently without any further stress.

How do you want us to serve you sir (he don' know me vewy well, do he?). can you come down here to receive your fund in Cash or how do you want your fund? let us know. Ohio don't require a passport in your country I think (a five minute break was needed for me to recompose and pick myself up off the floor after reading THAT gem).

After thourough invesigation which is going to be complete within next 24 hour, you fung will be release or handed orver to you facely (doing things facely is such a comfort, I reckum).

Yours in Service, Sup. Hector Graig, For Inteligent Team

World Bank/US Secret Service

How does one answer THAT? Well, I let my character, Jack N. Ewehoff, handle that:

Thank you, Secret Service, for protecting and serving me. I cannot begin to express to you how I coped while reading this.

I am disappointed, however, that the promised arrest photos were arrested by your computer, and not shared with mine. Your credibility blows goats with that one.

To your question of how I want the $3.6 million USD sent to me? In cash, of course, you dumb ass. Whaddaya think I'd take it in? Meerkat skins?

It took a couple days, but Sup. Hector Graig apparently wasn't pleased with my response:

Subject: YOU OWE APLOLOGY

Attn. Jack N. Ewehoff,

We are US Secret Service and you dont talk like us to that ok? you aplopogize or you will see your fund never ok?

A US Secret Service agent with (a) no grammatical skills and (b) feelings. Hmmmm:

Agent James West, you're a f***ing Secret Service agent. Grow up and get the f*** over it. Now, get to my money here, and tell me how I get to it there. In Ohio, you say? Sh**, a map of this h'yar countree shows me that Ohio IS part of the US, so I don't need a stupid passport, you f***ing idiot. So just where the f*** in Ohio do I have to go?

I think that reply was more insulting than the last one; but apparently my respondent has different priorities:

I am not James West i am Hector Graig. You need to come to Hamilton, OHIO, USA, to collect your fund facely. you will must bring alto your passport ID as proof of you, and process fee for money transfer. you should arrive here soonest so that complication not happen. when can you be expect?

A scammer, acting like a typical government bureaucrap. Granted, there ARE similiarities, but I digress:

Hold the f*** on, Mr. West Hector. Stand the f*** by. WHERE in Hamilton, OHIO, USA, do I have to go? And you said I didn't need a passport to go there, you f***ing dumbass. I need to find out how to fly to Hamilton, and how much that will f***ing cost me. And what about this f***ing fee? Doesn't your IR-f***ing-S get enough fees out of me already? Some answers, bub.

Lil' ol' me's language is causing this Secret Service agent some issues, but not the ones you'd expect:

relly, sir, you languag is hard to red. and my name is Hector GRAIG please. Now, you will to Dayton Ohio airport tomorrow and we can orrange meet you to take you to 1200 Central Avenue in Hamilton to our office in there. you will bring to this facely a sum of $2050 usd for purpose of fund transfer and legal process. you will leave with your moneys allgether. you understand this?

Oh, Jack understands too f***ing well:

Okay, agent Graig Artemus, I f***ing got it. I'm not some f***ing illiterate child like your mama was. And it won't be to-f***ing-morrow; I can't just drop my pants and not trip over sh** like you, bub. I will make proper f***ing arrangements to come and f***ing facely with you at the address you gave. And you better have all this sh** ready when I arrive, bub.

Before he can reply to that, I have one of those mental and oft-times pesky *TOING*s that suggest I'm about to do something dumber than heretofore, and I add a second follow-up:

Say, fella, just how the f***ing hell do I KNOW you're who you say you are? Tell you what: here's how you prove your bona fides to me. You take a picture of you, holding a cardboard sign with my name printed in big, readable block letters. That's Jack N. Ewehoff. You send me that, and I'll know you are legit, and I'll be on a plane 24 hours after I receive that from you.

I really hadn't planned on there being a Part II to this silliness....but there is. Me thinks you'll laugh. At whom, remains to be seed.