The FBI Out To Pastor

*While I continue to work a purported US Secret Service scammer in Ohio, enjoy this repost of a favorite scambait from '08*

In a recent one-exchange (I thought) tiff with a noted online scammer -- Prof. Charles Soludo -- I had adopted yet another fauxguise, one well known in some quandrants, especially on BET and YouTube, where he is irreverently known as "Pastor Gas", the (dis) Honorabull Rev. Robert Tilton. Rev. Tilton was suitably irreverent and most unpastorly when it came to replying to the oft-replied-to Crook Soludo.

Tart, insult-laden replies usually silence the ungood professor. But not this time. Instead, his mutton-headed minions decided to employ shock-scam treatment, and use their own fauxguise that brings sphincters to attention at the drop of their formidable acronym: The FBI.

Witness their opening gambit to bring "Rev" Tilton into line:

Email title: DO NOT GET YOURSELF INTO TROUBLE!

Email address: investigations@fbigov.com

From: ANTI TERRORIST & MONITORY CRIME DIVISON

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ADVICE FROM THE FBI FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT IT HAS COME TO OUR NOTICE THAT THE HSBC BANK LIVERPOOL DISTRICT HAS RELEASED $49,500,000 US DOLLARS INOT YOUR ACCOUNT HERE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA BY A.TM MEANS (dagnabbit, why doesn't anyone ever tell me these things? I'm rich and I don't even KNOW IT?).

It goes on THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA (*toing*) KNOWING FULLY WELL THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FACILITY TO EFFECT THIS PAYMENT FROM UNITED KINGDOM TO YOUR ACCOUNT USED WHAT WE KNOW AS A SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT PAYMENTS TO PAY THIS FUND THROUGH ATM , THEY USED THIS MEANS TO COMPLETE THE PAYMENT AND INSTAED OF PAYING $49.5 MILLION, THEY PAID $8,300,000 (the bastards shorted me? Call a cop! Oops...someone already did...).

After some more nonsense, they go on with RECORDS WHICH WE HAVE HAD WITH THIS METHOD OF PAYMENT IN THE PAST HAS ALWAYS BEEN RELATED TO TERRORIST ACTS, WE DO NOT WANT YOU TO GET INTO TROUBLE AS SOO AS THESE FUNDS RELFLECT IN YOUR ACCOUNT IN THE USA SO IT IS OUR DUTY TOAS A WORD WIDE COMMISSION TO CORRECT THIS LITTLE PROBLEM ("little problem"? LMAO) BEFORE THIS FUND IS DELIVERED .

It goes on for paragraphs of meant-to-sound-official-and-intimidating gobbledygook, until this paragraph: FAILURE TO FOLLOW OUR INSTRUCTION WILL RESUT IN YOUR BEING ARRESTED AND CHARGED WITH MONEY LAUDERING.

Then they go on, in several more paragraphs, to tell me how I am to follow their instructions, so as to receive these funds and stay out of trouble. Isn't that really nice of our hard-working FBI?

The capper, of course, is who it is that sent me -- aka, Rev. Robert Tilton -- this email: SINCERELY YOUR, ROBERT S. MUELLER III, FBI DIRECTOR And it concludes with his picture.

I decided to let 'em think they'd caught ol' Pastor Gas tinklin' in his diddies, with this quick response: Dear FBI, I never meant to do anything illicit that involved you guys! What can I do to stay out of trouble? Please, tell me!!!

That got a dual response: another one from Director Mueller, and one from his leading agent in the FBI's Lagos, Nigeria branch office, Lt. John Charles (httpwww.fbi_usgov@live.com):

Some time ago, your Nigerian friends, I mean the people that introduced you to the project approached you and requested you assist them conclude a mony transfer deal they had with you, they requested you assist them by removing the original contractors name from the bank vetting and replacing them with your name and your details in order to make you appear as the rightful benefiary of this funds.you agreed and they said you will share the mony with them as soon as your name appears as benefiary. So this is just a clue to show you that we are very investigative and have all details to persecute you, but we shall give you the opportuntiy to recieve the funds and make it clean, since it is coming into our dear country, but if you do not co-perate then we shall take negative action.

Maybe you think, that we are joking , but this will mean to tell you we are serious: you are under an observational /investigation in connection with mony laudering.

I guess he told me. He goes on to tell me that there are "documents" I must send to his office, to "clean" and "authenticate" my access to the funds, and that there will be "certan fees and penileties assesed" to make things legal.

I just have to love lots of things about this: Director Mueller himself, undertaking to write to me with his overstated font, his poorly-proofread text, but the convincing touch of including his photo. How could one not instantly find credibility and believability in that? And the existence of an FBI branch office in Lagos, Nigeria; how totally convenient. I'm glad our FBI is "word wide", indeed.

In response to Lt. John Charles, Pastor Gas sends this:

So, exactly what paperwork do I need to send you? How much are the fees and penileties involved? I am a Gawd-fearing, law-abiding citizen, and as such I so do wish to cooperate to the expectancy of your esteemed offices.

Then a Paul Smith (paul-smith-atm.centre@live.com) weighs in, with a preposterous claim that I need to pay a $150 fee for the "authenticated" ATM card I will receive from his office -- as authorized by Lt. John Charles of the Nigerian FBI office -- and that "this is not included with penltys assorted with FBI issue". Which I guess means there'll be additional "fees and penileties" for me to pay to the FBI itself. And, Mr. Smith insists that I must make the payment within 48 hours, to avoid further sanctions from legal authorities. Of course, I tell Paul Smith (copied to Lt. Charles AND Director Mueller) the same fawning crap, "I will follow whatever you direct with utmost integrity and dispatch", but I do "request an extension to meet whatever fee and penileities costs are required of me".

A day later, sure enough, arrives confirmation that the FBI has some "fees and penileties" to assess of me as well, per Lt. Charles:

AM IN RECEPT OF YOUR EMAIL WHICH I RECEIVE AND I UNDERSTAND ALL YOU EXPLAIN. I WANT YOU TO NOW THAT WE HAVE GRANT YOUR REQUEST

AND YOU WILL HAVE TO MAKE SURE YOU SENT THE FEE FIRST THING WEDNESDAY MORNING (June 25) SO THAT I CAN SECURE THE REQUIRED DOCUMENT FOR YOUR FINAL TRANSFER AS THE FBI IN YOUR COUNTRY HAVE STATED AND WILL NOT WATE BEYOND FOR PERSECUTION.

YOU WILL SEND FEE OF $4,000 USD THIS WAY:

NAME: JOHN CHARLES

ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA

TEST QUESTION: COLOR

TEST ANSWER: GREEN

AMOUNT SENT: $2,000

NAME: JOHN CHARLES

ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA

TEST QUESTION: COLOR

TEST ANSWER: GREEN

AMOUNT SENT: $2,000

ASS OON AS YOU SEND THE FEE EMAIL US THE MTCN CONTROL NUMBER AND ALSO EMAIL THE FBI IN YOUR COUNTRY A COPY OF THE PAYMENT SLIP FOR SECURITY AND RECORD PURPOSES. I WILL BE WATING FOR HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATIONS TOMORROW AS WE HAVE CONCLUDED, SO YOUR NAME CNA BE CLEERED UP FROM THIS MESS OR YOU WILL BE PERSECUTED.

So, Lt. Charles wants $4,000, and this pipsqueak Paul Smith wants $150. What's a crooked, deceitful, flatulence-laden TV evangelist of dubious antecedence to do here?

Easy: send it to 'em. Using assorted currency I've collected for other scammers, of course.

So on the early morning of Wednesday, June 25, I attach front/back copies of a Nigerian bank note, an Iraqi bank note from the Saddam Hussein era, and my (un)patented deer butt door bell Euro, and send the following email to all three of my new-found "friends":

My good Chief Inspector Mueller, Lt. Charles, and Mr. Smith,

It is my pleasure and desire to aid, assist, and follow the dictates of, after my God, the premier law enforcement agency in the word today, the FBI. While the reasons that brought you to contact me, shook me to my very flatulent core, I realize tht it was your interest in giving me the business that was behind your contact and subsequent directions. I especially wish to thank Chief Inspector Mueller, who took time out of his busy schedule, just to take my case in personal charge.

I am convinced that all of this came about because of His Will. And thus it shall be, in accordance with that He directs and you seek.

Now, I realize you asked for US dollars; but as at least one of your probably knows, US dollars have suffered some recently abroad, value-wise. This caused me some downright concern, gentlemen: I felt that US dollars were not worthy of the Men in Black, men of a stripe like Efraim Zimbalist, Jr., J. Edgar Hoover or Monty Python. So I am sending you a mixed bag of currency. Print it off, and duplicate as much of it as you need to accomplish that which you say must be accomplished. I know that the FBI has the resources and facilities to accomplish this most effectively; I mean, if a backwards country full of North Koreans can counterfeit everyone elses' currency on a word-wide scale, for the FBI, this will be childs' play.

Now, I know what you're thinking: this is ILLEGAL. Illegal, illschmegel! You're the FBI! Arrest anyone who gets in your way or questions what you're doing! If a twit like Robert Mugabe can do it, the mighty FBI certainly can! For thine has the power, and the guns, and the cajones, amen!

Don't bother to thank me, gentlemen: it is I, who thank you. I thank you for allowing me to serve the FBI as you have arranged for me to do. And please, don't forget to tithe for widows, orphans, and the reduction of carbon footprints.

Rev. Robert Tilton

Word of Faith Methanic Ministries

"Serving God is a gas! Phfffffft!"

That drew no more commentary from Director Mueller or this pipsqueak Paul Smith; but Lt. Charles wasn't done:

AM IN RECEPT OF YOUR EMAIL, WHAT A HELL ARE YOU TALK ABOUT ARE YOU OKAY. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SEND THE REQUIRED FEE FOR ME TO ISSUE DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN AS YOU CAN SEE AM A BESIE MAN, I DEAL WITH SELIOUS PEEPLE AND I HAVE MANY PEOLPLE TO ATTEND. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT IF THROW IT NOW DO IF NOT LIKE DON'T LIKE. I ADIVICE YOU TO PORCEED AND SEND FEE OR YOU WILL BEAR CONSEQUENCE. YOU HAVE TWO DAYS BEFORE LEGAL ACTION TAKEN ON YOU.

Pastor Gas replies, but not in the manner they might have expected:

Gentlemen,

I almost forgot...would you please send me receipts for the funds I sent to you? I will need them for my 2008 taxes, to list under "miscellaneous operating expenses". I am sure that even the FBI can appreciate my not wishing to get cross-ways with the IRS, either.

Thank you,

Rev. Robert Tilton

The silence was deafening...