Sucks To Be Her

After 10 years of reading scam letters, I reckon I've gotten a tad cold-hearted.

Want proof? Here's my latest letter, received from an improbably-named Mandaline Randybyte:

Greeting in the name of our Lord. Glorification Latter from Mandaline Randybyte

please, as you read this latter, i dont want you to feel sorry for me (no worries, and she continues) because i believe that everyone will die someday (no feces, genius). i am Mrs mandaline randybyte .a woman from solomon irland i a m marry to mr John randybyte a citizen of cote d ivoire, who worked with embassy in Ivory coast for nine year before he die in the year October (okay, who changed the friggin' calendars again?).

before his death we are happy husband in Christian family (I won't ask) since his death i decide not to remarry or get child pregnated outside my matrimonal home which the bible is against it (don't ask me, I didn't write this drivel). when my husband was live we deposited the sum of $12 Million USD with one of the good banks in Abidjan prsently this money is still with the bank. recently my doctor told me that i have cardiac problem which affected my heart (tho' I slacked off in biology, I don't suppose a cardiac problem affected your hangnails) and the most is stroke and it is quite obvious that i wont live more than four moths (stay away from lights, moving windshields, bats and bug zappers) because the cancer stage has gotted a very bad stage (I'm surprised she didn't throw flesh-eating crotch crickets, demeaning plebney, and vaginal warts into the mix). my late husband was very wealthy and after his death i inherited all his business access (and apparently some of what kilt him).

my doctors has advised me that i may not live for more than four moths (see previous recommendations) so i take bold decision to devide the part of this wealth to contribute to the developed church in Africa, America, asia, europe and help of the motherless babys and widows (dang, what about the husbandless widows, who ate their spouses after web sex?) now the lord has called me to rest my life with him in heaven (is SHE in for a surprise) while i am willing to donate this money to you for the use of god charity work in your church and to help widows, motherless baby, and refuge in your country ($12 million pays for a lot of trash, shore 'nuff).

For the rest of it, get your cryin' towels out: i finish my praying and fasting for jesus lord to provide me a honest person who cannot betray me and use this fund for widows and motherless babys so i may rest in peace and know my live is good end. i ask you now promise me you will use this money for the help of charity work and promise me you will not betray me soon as you get money in hand.

Soonest i get your reply i send you the contact of bank here in Abidjan so that you will contact them on my half (I don't even want to know WHICH half). i will also issue you latter of authority that will empower you as new beneficary of this fund. realise of the fund to you as my health condition wont allow me to do my self.

Yours sister mandaline randybyte

So she prayed that "jesus lord" would find her an honest person, eh? And that prayer brought her to me, eh?

*Bad Skunk* coming on...

My reply went out with all the compassion and genuine concern that you have come to expect of me (if you're a regular reader here):

Dear Mandaline Wind Randybyter:

1. Sucks to be you.

2. Why do you byte Randys?

3. Do you own, or know anyone who owns, a computer with spellcheck?

4. What makes you think that I care a monkey f*** for your situation?

5. Repeat #1

6. Repeat #4

Sincerely,

Jack N. Ewehoff

I'm a cross between a Jehovah Witness and Atheist: I knock on doors for no reason.

Needless to say, that reply did NOT get me the bank contact in Abidjan. 'Spose if I look through my recent archives, I can probably find it....