Oh Nuh-UHHHH!

I reckon that there are a couple dozen email scammers, sittin' in fly-infested internet cafes, from Lagos to Fairfield, Ohio, who wish they had never had one of their scam emails find its way to my address.

And after the latest one did, add him (along with them) to wonderin' WT-fly-infested-internet-cafe-scam-email-F happened to the email he sent that wound up h'yar.

Simple: I rewrit it. And returned it. To him (aka Dr. David Robert, wu.londonuk1@o2.pl). Him and 20 some odd other recent email scammers, several of which (all recent 'death threateners' to my scambaiting character) were prominently mentioned in the body of the rewrite. I like to be inclusive, 'cuz it makes folks feel good when they're included. Y'all know how a lack of recognition hurts that ol' self esteem and all.

I won't recap the entire rewrite here; only those parts that adequately get the point across that my scambaiting persona is one sick dude, and gettin' sicker all the time:

Good news! I have oral crotch crickets that create anal warts over an infected one's face, and GUESS WHAT??? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSMIT THEM VIA EMAIL!!! Which means I can't complete my designated assignment, without YOUR help!!

Personally, I got them from (another scammer)'s illegitimate cross between a daughter and a llama. I tell you, that boy is more twisted than me. But, to business: three is an issue with the ORAL CROTCH CRICKET TRANSFER, UNITED KINGDOM in the amount of 2.5 Million diseased crotch crickets that is directed to you.

(Three other scammers previously dealt with) are the intended recipients. I was tasked to deliver these oral crotch crickets to the aforementioned, but I need you to deliver them. Your help is needed to see that the deserving receive their just and rightful share of crotch crickets, without undue delay or hinderance. The ones they have are already dying off because the ones they got from (first named scammer) were genetically defective. So you see how needed your help is to deliver these 2.5 MILLION ORAL CROTCH CRICKETS to (the four aforementioned scammers) before June 1, 2011.

Please make note of the fact that this is not one of those Nigerian/African scams that all they are after is to rip you off of your crotch crickets and at the end of the deal you are left with an empty wallet and no crotch crickets. We live to serve, and our motto is To Serve You All The Oral Crotch Crickets You Can Mouth.

In the offchance that you should have some questions, please feel free to contact me: wu.londonuk1@o2.pl, phone + 447014233723 (preferably between midnight and 4am, Coordinated Universal Time), and refer to or ask for Dr. David Robert.

At the end of the original email, there was the quaintest little disclaimer, which I happily rewrote for Dr. Robert as well:

Oral Crotch Crickets UnLtd, All Rights Retained. This email is intended for the purpose of f***ing up your entire life and ancestral lineage. If you are spawn of (an aforementioned scammer) we're too late; he's already screwed you for several generations. If you have received this email as a result of having sent it to someone who has a very lowbrow sense of humor, and having him rewrite it and send it back to you and two dozen of your lowerbrow peers, please print it, fold it lengthwise, and shove it up your ass sideways. Notify us immediately if you go it without paper cuts; we'll send you bigger paper to try again with. Disclosing the contents of this email will show the world what kind of a decayed, pickled dildo you are, Dr. David Robert.

I'm sure that none of you are going to believe this, but....from the 20 some odd recipients of this revision, not one of them responded.

Perhaps they're looking forward to their crotch cricket delivery? I'll let you know if I get any complaints when they don't show up...

Femme Fatale

*NOTE: I'm STILL working on getting my Secret Service scammer to make with the picture I've requested...so here's a recent lil' something to fill the void*

From the cornudopia of plenty that is my email scam folder, I had another of those *please make a daid mom's dream come true by falling for this scam* salvos during a rather busy time of email scamming.

My meteorological storm chasing should be this productive.

Anyway, it was a rather badly written, albeit amusingly so, scam letter. So I'll share it, and the only so-called exchange that took place thereafter.

Title: Hello!!! i writ on half of late Madam Nadia Rashid

Good day,

Its a pithy after suddn deaf of pass away mother Mrs Nadia Rashid after all she pass through cemotherpy surgury operaton she go directly by doctor to, and she no wake up again in afterlife. before her die she complain bitterly on her promise to god and she mention you name often until her last breth (is she complaining bitterly to God about me, or to me about God, or about em to dog? Don't look for elucidation in what follows).

Contining she use purse knowing not you abilty to compete her desire over claim utilize of fud (guess she knew Elmer, too).

I must asure you her dealing with you and thanks be to God that she make you benefitary before her die. i dont not to think that there will be misshapen but i must assit to the last to see for the cause.

Yeah, I'm alternating between laughing and *WTFing* here, too, and whomever continues:

my believe is one with God is majority and he can allow out foot to move in time. Ali Abraham in India want to compensat you with some of $300,000 USD for all you do before (whatever and to whomever it apparently was or wasn't). he arrange to bank for atm card (MASTERCARD) which you can use to withdrap money in any atm machine in the glob, and card he deposit in bank at Abidjan to be delivery you (y'know...I think I went to school with this guy, and learned the hard way NOT to copy his test answers in English class).

you have to contact the courer service now were you atm card has be depost . contact them by email to (the email addy) or to spak at them by phone (a phone number with country code for the Ivory Coast). you must to reach DR KEVIN KONE and tell to him how you will get your card.

yours truy,

Angela/nurse

Busy with five other scammers at the moment, I just didn't take the time necessary to add this one to the list; hence, one of my (un)patented replies that usually guarantees a thundering *silence*:

Oh, come on...don't lie to me. Mrs. "Ever-Ready" Nadia Rashid didn't die in post-op; she died of predatory crotch crickets, contracted during one of her marathon slutfests with the 1st Company, 1st Battalion, 1st Islamist Suicide Bombers Dating Service, International Local 686 ("We Go Out With A BANG"). She KNEW that all those promised "virgins" for getting blowd up, were just rebushed goats, and a lot of anguished martyrs with loads of testosterone, would wind up with no where to go and nothing to do widdit. So I am beyond sure that my name was NOT the last thing on her mind; her last conscious thoughts were on raising her prices before the next graduating class.

Besides, I don't know Ali Abraham, but you should: he molested your pet goat when he was 19. The nightmares you've had ever since, courtesy of the psychic connection between you and your pet goat Cous Cous, are HIS FAULT. Put a jihad on his ass.

I think that I was just as confusing to the scammer, as he/she/baaaaaaaaa was to me: all I got back in reply was my message, with no accompanying comment.

Perhaps it was a suicide message, wherein all the syntax was blowd up in transmission?

If so, perhaps a big OH CRAP is in order: there might be a hole in the Internet, and letters are pouring out. Will "Daddy" plug the hole?