North Korea Unreashes Anuddah Temper Tantrum

It never seems to take much to wind up the Kim Dysentery in North Korea.

The latest bloviation is that Kim Jong Un is threatening war over a movie.

Yes, a movie.

In short, he no rike the upcoming Seth Rogen film, The Interview. 

Why?  Because it involves the mythical assassination plot of...Kim Jong Un.

I'm sure his faddah joined all the American leftist democrats in applauding the book about assassinating Dubya.  But let a leftist doo-doo head be targeted in a book or movie and Raging Tantrum Poutsville is all over pmsnbc and cnn.

Which is why my pet rock, Seymour, simply HAD to do a bit of editing for his own version of this terribly ready for prime time story:

North Korea Throws Four Year Old Temper Tantrum Over Upcoming Film

By Marie Antoinette PetRock -- WTF News Soivice  

North Korea's pudgy leader, Kim Jong Un, has officially thrown the fit of a Ritalin-deprived four year old over Seth Rogen's new film The Interview.

“I no rike them make funs of me!!! I am great reader!!!! Nobodys make funs of me!!!” sources say that Un shrieked when told of the movie. Sources further said that it wasn't so much that the plot line was annoying to Un -- in which two American television workers  are recruited to try and kill Kim Jong-un rather than resurrect the Gong Show – though he admittedry didn't find that the reast bit funny.

No, what really got the North Korean pudgomatic upset was that (a) it wasn't a puppet movie by Trey Parker and Matt Stone (b) he didn't get a leading part in the picture and (c) he didn't get his own theme song to sing in it, like Kim Jong Il did in Team America World Police. And for this, sources say, Un plans the world's biggest four year old temper tantrum ever reported by the North Korean News Agency.

“Unress Rogen make changes to this firm rike I want changes made, I'm gonna make the whore worrd suffer my four year ord temper tantrum”, Un snivelled to the North Korean Foreign Ministry talkingpointsreader, who then made an incredibly carefully scripted statement. "This is simpry unacceptabre, to dare hurt the dignity of the supreme readership," read Kim Myong-cho from a carefully prepared script with a disclaimer at the bottom that told him a pack of hungry dogs awaited him if he fumbled this report.

"Why do Americans want put me at risk rike this? he told The Tang Tung Dung Telegraph. "A firm about the assassination of a foreign reader mirrors what we have wet dreamed doing to every country in the West”. Myong-cho went on with “what if we make a firm about assassinating Sponge Bob Square Parts? You rike that you capitarist dogs? You want go to mattresses in movie assassinations? We see the Godfather Pizza, the Sopapranos, Michaer Bay's Pearr Harbor and Johnny Dangerousry. We know how arr this movie assassination works”. 
 
When asked if the Great Pudg-is-sore-at-us would watch the movie, Myong-cho made several attempts to say “probabry”.

Rogen could not be reached by this reporter for comment, but at least he could have pronounced all his “L”s.

The Interview hits theaters October 10, 2014. Un's anticipated four year old made for world TV temper tantrum hits cnn and pmsnbc on October 11, 2014.  

Seymour is geologically pleased with himself over this one, which won't get him any invites to travel with Dennis Rodman to Pyongyang anytime soon.

"Will TO...uh...with who?"

How You Tell The FBI's Gone And Lowered Standards Again

It's really a pity what the current fauxtus has done with his hoax and change the past five years.

Now it's affecting the FBI.

At least, if this email purportedly from the 'FBI' is any indication.

Yes, got me another of those emails from the 'FBI'.

Granted, I suspect that this particular 'FBI' office what generated the email is located in a fly-infested internet café round about Lagos, Nigeria.

Or it could be the DNC, what with how 'educated' it sounds.  About on par with some of the State Department spokesninnies of late.

Take a look at the email that was addressed from....*drum roll*...On Sunday, June 1, 2014 8:40 AM, "FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, (FBI)." <mrs.marybell2014@outlook.com> wrote:


ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY,

GOOD NEWS, WE HAVE A MEETING WITH INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND AND NIGERIA GOVERNMENT OVER YOUR LONG OVERDUE  INHERITANCE FUND PAYMENT AND WE INFORMED THEM THAT YOUR FUND SHOULD NOT COST YOU ANYTHING BECAUSE IS YOUR MONEY  WHICH WE FINALLY REACHED TO AGREEMENT LAST WEEK THAT ALL THE PAYMENT WILL BE PAID VIA ATM SMART CARD BEEN THE  SIMPLEST WAY TO TRANSFER HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY TO AVOID COST OF TRANSFER AND OTHER STATUTORY DOCUMENT UNITED STATES  DOCUMENT LIKE (UNITED STATES PATRIOT ACT) WHICH WE STRETCHED TO HAVE A STRUNG AGREEMENT OVER THE PAYMENT THAT WILL  COST YOU ONLY US$245.00 ONLY FOR DELIVERY OF YOUR ATM SMART CARD VIA UPS OR FEDEX DELIVERING COMPANY.

HOWEVER, YOU HAVE ONLY TWO WORKING DAYS TO SEND THIS US$245.00 TO FEDEX OR UPS COURIER COMPANY FOR DELIVERING OF  YOUR CARD,IF WE DON’T HEAR FROM YOU WITH THE PAYMENT INFORMATION; THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WILL NOT HESITATE BY GIVEN INSTRUCTION TO NIGERIA GOVERNMENT TO CANCEL YOUR PAYMENT THAT HAS BEEN PROGRAMMED IN ATM SMART  CARD.

I WANT YOU TO READ BELOW CAREFULLY, THE NOTICE BELOW STAND AS CAUTION BEFORE IT IS LATE. FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, YOU  MUST BE CONSCIOUS OF THIS PROJECT, AS I WILL SOON CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION WITH YOU, LET THIS STAND AS A WARNING  BEFORE YOU IN CASE YOU RECEIVED ANY E-MAILS, OR CALLS REGARDING TO THIS FROM ANY INDIVIDUALS CLAIMED TO BE ME, OR E-MAILS, CALLS FROM ANY ORGANIZATION TO YOU, SUCH MUST BE FORWARDED TO US IMMEDIATELY, IT MIGHT COME TO YOU WITH  DIFFERENT PROPOSALS WITH DIFFERENT NAMES INCLUDING MY NAME ASKING YOU TO COME AND CLAIM YOUR ESTATE OR EVEN FUNDS  BELONGING TO YOU OR TO SOMEBODY YOU DO NOT KNOW, I URGE YOU TO IGNORE SUCH E-MAILS OR CALLS, WHILE YOU FORWARD IT TO US. I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING FOR ME IS YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND CO-OPERATION, AGAIN  WITHOUT THIS CODE (911) DOESN’T GET BACK TO THIS OFFICE.

MOREOVER, FIRST BATCH OF YOUR CARD WHICH CONTAINS US$600, 000.00  HAS BEEN ACTIVATED AND IS THE TOTAL FUND  LOADED INSIDE THE CARD. YOUR FUND WHICH IS IN TOTAL US$3,600.000.00 MILLION WILL COME IN BATCHES OF GBP600,000.00 AND THIS IS THE FIRST BATCH.

YOUR ATM SMART CARD WOULD BE SENT TO YOU VIA UPS OR FEDEX; BECAUSE WE HAVE SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH THEM WHICH SHOULD  EXPIRED BY JUNE 30TH 2014. BELOW ARE FEW LIST OF TRACKING NUMBERS YOU CAN TRACK FROM UPS WEBSITE (WWW.UPS.COM) TO CONFIRM PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO HAVE RECEIVED THEIR PAYMENT SUCCESSFULLY.

MOREOVER, THIS IS ANOTHER PEOPLE THAT RECEIVED THERE PAYMENT THROUGH FEDEX WEBSITE (WWW.FEDEX.COM).


1). MS. PAULA WILKINS COE, #111 SE RAILROAD, ST., PIKEVILLE, NC 27863, USA. TRACKING NUMBER: 869713119185

2). MR. DAVID GLEM KEMP, #4370 N WILLOW RD., KINGMAN, ARIZONA, 86409, USA. TRACKING NUMBER: 871363130860

3). MR. MOHAMED ANWER HUSSAIN, AL FALAKI CENTER, 2ND FLOOR, MINA STREET, JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA. TRACKING NUMBER: 871000040860

4). MR. CLENNY ANTONIUS BRAAM, TERRESSTRAAT 38, 1056 RV AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS. TRACKING NUMBER: 871363116168


HOWEVER, WE HEREBY ADVISED YOU THAT BASED ON OUR RECOMMENDATION/INSTRUCTIONS; YOU’RE COMPLETE OVER-DUE FUNDS WILL BE RELEASED IMMEDIATELY UPON YOUR CONTACT TO THE NEWLY APPOINTED PAYMENT OFFICER THAT WILL HAND  OVER YOUR CARD TO COURIER COMPANY WITH THE PAYMENT FOR DELIVERY OF YOUR PACKAGED. YOU ARE THEREFORE ADVISED TO CONTACT MR. SMITH WILSON APPOINTED DIRECTOR ATM SMART CARD/FOREIGN OPERATION DEPT AND ASK HIM HOW CAN FORWARD THE PAYMENT INFORMATION TO FEDEX OR UPS COURIER COMPANY BELOW IS THE PAYMENT INFORMATION.


RECEIVER NAME:MR. PAUL MOGAN
ADDRESS: 4TH AVE.GLASS BUILDING FST.
CITY: LAGOS
COUNTRY: NIGERIA
ZIP CODE: 234
TEXT QUESTION::::: WHAT FOR
ANSWER:: :::: SERVICES


AFTER SENDING THE FEE, FORWARD THE BELOW DETAILS TO THEM:



MTCN:........................

SENDERS FULL NAME:...................

HOME/OFFICE ADDRESS:...................

CELL/MOBILE PHONE NUMBERS:...................

NEAREST AIR PORT:..........................

CONTACT PERSON: MR. SMITH WILSON AND EMAIL ADDRESS: (smithwilsonofficusa@europe.com) YOU'RE ADVISED TO CONTACT HIM IMMEDIATELY SO AS TO ENABLE HIM FACILITATE THE SPEEDY PROCESSING AND RELEASE OF YOUR DELIVERY SINCE IS THE ONLY US$245.00 THAT IS KEEPING YOUR ATM CARD IN NIGERIA. CONTACT HIM WITH THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION AS ABOVE:

NOTE: YOU'RE ADVISED TO FURNISH THE NEWLY APPOINTED PAYMASTER GENERAL OF THE FEDERATION WITH YOUR CORRECT AND VALID  DETAILS TO ENABLE HIM EXPEDITE SPEEDY ACTION ON THE PROCESSING OF YOUR PAYMENT. WE EXPECT YOUR SWIFT RESPONSE TO  THIS EMAIL TO ENABLE US MONITOR THIS PAYMENT DELIVERY EFFECTIVELY THEREBY MAKING CONTACT WITH THE INTERNATIONAL  MONETARY FUND AS DIRECTED TO AVOID FURTHER DELAY.

YOU’RE ALSO EXPECTED TO FOLLOW HIS ADVICE AND DIRECTIVES TO AVOID DELAY IN RELEASING YOUR PAYMENT BECAUSE YOUR  PAYMENT FILE HAS ALREADY BEEN MOVED TO HIS OFFICE FOR PROCESSING AND VERIFICATION.

CONGRATULATIONS.
IN GOD WE TRUST.
YOURS IN SERVICE,
FBI DIRECTOR
JAMES B. COMEY 


I like how they start out in the email saying it should cost me nothing, then telling me I have to send $245 USD to get it.   Obviously the same proofreader works for this 'FBI' branch as does for The State Department talking points branch.

Now, I'm not one who'd make a point of arguing with the REAL FBI.  But this particular branch seems ripe for questions:

I know that you're the FBI and all, but your first two paragraphs are contradictory:  in the first you say, and I quote, "AND WE INFORMED THEM THAT YOUR FUND SHOULD NOT COST YOU ANYTHING BECAUSE IS YOUR MONEY".   Then in the next paragraph you say this "  HOWEVER, YOU HAVE ONLY TWO WORKING DAYS TO SEND THIS US$245.00 TO FEDEX OR UPS COURIER COMPANY FOR DELIVERING OF  YOUR CARD".

With all due respect to your FBIships -- and to make use of a universally-recognized internet texting acronym -- WTF?  Is it my money or not?  

 

 

As with other experiences I've had with these abundant and alternate 'FBI' branches in West Africa, my response might just put a kibosh to the matter.  But there was always a chance it wouldn't...and this time, they had a reply.  I suspect the reply was aided by my edit of their email which they apparently read BEFORE they read the above.  My bad.  Anyway it's well worth posting; even my pet rock needed oxygen after reading it:

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, (FBI).

J. Edgar. Hoover Building, 935 pennsylvania Ave.,

NW Washington D.C 20535-0001,

United States of America

 

 

ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY

 

THANKS TO ACKNOWLEDGING OUR ORGANIZATION FBI, YES WE DO CONFIRM TO YOU IN 1 OF OUR  PARAGRAPHS THAT YOU WILL NOT SEND MONEY TO RECEIVE YOUR MONEY. BUT IN THE SITUATION LIKE THIS BY RECEIVING YOUR FUND THROUGH ATM CARD YOU DON'T EXPECT US FBI TO PAY FOR SHIPMENT/COURIER CHARGES TO FEDEX, IT IS YOUR DUTY TO PAY FOR SHIPMENT FEE AND NOT US.

 

PLEASE STOP CALLING US NAMES LIKE SCAMMED FBI, WE CAN'T ENTERTAIN THIS INSULT FROM YOU AGAIN, SUCH LITTLE AMOUNT OF MONEY CANNOT BE RECEIVE WITH BANK ACCOUNT RATHER IT THE DUTY OF THE RECEIVER OFFICER MR.PAUL MOGAN TO RECEIVE THE FEE AND DO THE NEEDFUL OK WE ADVISE YOU TO QUICKLY MOVE TO NEARBY WESTERN UNION AND MAKE A TRANSFER OF SERVE FEE OF US$245.00 TO ENABLE US DISPATCH YOUR ATM CARD.

 

RECEIVER NAME:MR. PAUL MOGAN
ADDRESS: 4TH AVE.GLASS BUILDING FST.
CITY: LAGOS
COUNTRY: NIGERIA
ZIP CODE: 234
TEXT QUESTION::::: WHAT FOR
ANSWER:: :::: SERVICES
MTCN:.....

 

 

For those of you what know me, with their reply in hand, you simply KNEW I hadda reply to this:

 

 

Your FBIships,

Your reply makes about as much sense as using camel crap for underarm protection.  Either it's my money free and clear, or it isn't.  From the tone of your font, I reckon it ain't.  That said, you can't entertain that insult from me again?  REALLY?  When did the Nigerian FBI go all candyass and uber sensitive?  Well, what if I entertain you by calling you a Nigerian eunuch of dubious antecedence who farts his national anthem in E flat?  I think that sounds entertaining.  I think you should entertain it as well.  Might get you a spot on American Idull or something.  You can boost your chances there by shoving a vuvuzela up your ass sideways too.  They're always looking for mugus to vote off. 


What with the silence that response received, I reckon that -- plus the edit I didn't post here -- convinced them that I wasn't buying their brand of entertaining.

First smart conclusion I reckon they came to. 

He Vant Be Taken Serially

Sooner or later, it HADDA happen.

One simply cannot take liberties with the feelings of email scammers without, at some point, someone taking offense and letting me know about it.

I dun it now.

*Yawn*

It all started with this brief email from Jerry Smith, online loan scammer, which I happened to tweak a tad before responding:


On Monday, May 5, 2014 7:13 PM, ditta.shop.online <ditta@big.net.id>
>> wrote:
>> Do you need a roan? if yes contact us with Amount Needed, Info, Duration.
>> Emair: info.jerrysmithloan@gmail.com  


I responsed thus:


A roan?  What prease is a roan? 


That apparently wasn't childish enough for him, on accounta cuz he taked me serially:


Dear Customer,
>
>    We understand that you are looking for a loan, we are a legitimate
> lender Firm approved by the Federal Ministry of Finance, We are ready
> to help you with the loan amount that you are in need of. Below are
> the details needed to process the loan. If you are applying for this
> loan we will want you to be serious about it, we will also want you to
> know that getting a loan from our company is 100% assured and secured,
> so it all depend on you, we will want you to fill the borrower's
> information below and return back to us as soon as possible so that we
> can proceed further.
>
> We offer;
> -Hard money loan;
> -line of credit
> -Venture Capital
> To help;
> *Your business cash flow,
> *Build your business
> *Finance your inventory
> *Restructure your credit.
> *Refinance you out of bankruptcy.
> *Invest in real estates
>
> We provide the following type of  hard money loan;
> Acquisition-Loans Equipment Leasing
> Start-up Loans Commercial Property Loans
> Inventory Loans Unsecured Borrowing
> Construction loans
> Accounts Receivable Loans Lines of Credit
> Factoring Warehouse Financing
> Machinery Loans
> Working Capital Loans Flooring Lines
> Agricultural Loans International Loans
> Purchase Order Financing Virtually ANY TYPE OF BUSINESS LOAN
>
> Note: We only grant loans ranging from $10,000.00 to $10 Million
> United state dollars
>
> Qualifications:
> {1} The applicant will start the repayment of loan three {3} months
> after the loan has been transferred to him/her.
>
> {2} Failure to pay back the loan at this expected date/period, legal
> actions will be taken against the applicant by our attorney
> immediately.
>
> { 3 } Applicant who is unable to meet with the repayment will be given
> 2 weeks more as a grace period before legal actions will be taken.
>
> {4 }Particulars: The borrower must provide either one of the
> following:-A Driver's License, An International passport, Or a valid
> Identity Card bearing his/ her name.
>
> Note:You are to Fill the Loan Application Information and Return so
> that we will have more details about you on this Loan Transfer.
>
> LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............
> * Address: ................
> * City: .......................
> * State: ........................
> * Country: ....................
> * Gender: ......................
> * Marital Status: ................
> * Age:..........................
> * Occupation:...................
> * Income Rate: ...................
> * Tel:........................ ...
> * Mobile:.......................
> * Amount Requested: ...............
> * Loan Duration: ..................
> * Loan Purpose.....................
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................
> * Address:...........................
> * Phone Number:....................
>
> After submitting the Loan Application, you can expect a preliminary
> answer less than 24 hours and funding within 72-96 hours of receiving
> the information we need from you.
>
> Here is the website to this loan firm: http://www.jsmiths.co.in/and
> you can always get back to us for that urgent loan you request and i
> assure you that we give loan within 24-hours because we give out the
> fastest loan to our borrowers to solve their financial
> difficulties/problem.
>
> Have a nice day.  Response needed ASAP.
>
> Best Regards
> Jerry Smith
> Managing director Jerry Smith Loan Firm. 


Needed ASAP, eh?  Okay.  I sent him a ASAP respond:


LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............Ben Dover
> * Address: ................              *** G****** Street
> * City: .......................              Central City
> * State: ........................            Colorado
> * Country: ....................            USA
> * Gender: ......................          The country has more than two genders
> * Marital Status: ................      Single
> * Age:..........................              45
> * Occupation:...................        Research Analyst
> * Income Rate: ...................      I rate my income as sucks
> * Tel:........................ ...            Tell who?  No one listens
> * Mobile:.......................            Yes, I have one
> * Amount Requested: ............... $250,000
> * Loan Duration: ..................      Until it's all spent
> * Loan Purpose.....................    To spend
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................      Paranamus Research Analysis, Ltd
> * Address:...........................        *** G****** Street  Central
> City CO USA
> * Phone Number:....................    303-***-****  


Lately these yutzes haven't been reading their emails.  But danged if ol' Jerry Smith didn't only read it the second time, he didn't cotton to what I dun writ therein:


Sir this is a legalized loan firm and please stop playing around if
you know you are not ready to acquire a loan from this loan firm,
please do not write to this office because is childish the way you are
acting right now and is not mature at all. Think about it and do not
take busy and important situation for a joke. Grow up  


Chastised as I orta oughta be after a response like that 'un, I move to make suitable amends with this:


LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:............... Stink Winkle
> * Address: ................                69 UppenyourenassenPlatz
> * City: .......................                Fartfignewton
> * State: ........................            Bavaria
> * Country: ....................            Germany
> * Gender: ......................          Das Menchen
> * Marital Status: ................      Das Kopf
> * Age:..........................             Fortunfiven
> * Occupation:...................        Das Forcken Midde Das Faux Banken Onlinen Undt Schtuff
> * Income Rate: ...................     Not Fast Enoughen
> * Tel:........................ ...            49 40 3886969
> * Mobile:.......................           Das Volksvagen
> * Amount Requested: ...............  250,000 Marks
> * Loan Duration: ..................       However Longensee 250,000 Marks Lasten
> * Loan Purpose.....................      Vhat das fock dust it mattern?
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................   HihoHihoIt's Off To Vork I go
> * Address:...........................     69 Ballbustenundtschtuffplatz
> * Phone Number:....................   49 40 3876969  


Danged if he didn't take kindly to that one either:


STOP THIS AT ONE OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO AUTHORITY.  


He shore told me now, didn't he?  Pity that I didn't listen:


 LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............Eric Cartman
> * Address: ................               69 Cheesypoof Way
> * City: .......................               South Park
> * State: ........................            Colorado
> * Country: ....................            USA
> * Gender: ......................           Animated Male
> * Marital Status: ................       Single
> * Age:..........................              8 based on Ground Hog loop
> * Occupation:...................         Looking To Have Authoritah Respected
> * Income Rate: ...................      Varies season and episode
> * Tel:........................ ...              Unlisted
> * Mobile:.......................             Unregistered
> * Amount Requested: ...............250,000 cheesy poofs
> * Loan Duration: ..................     until all 250,000 cheesy poofs is et
> * Loan Purpose.....................    For you to learn to respect my authoritah!
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................    Comedy Central
> * Address:...........................      LA, Kaliforlornia
> * Phone Number:....................  Look it up, schmuck
PS:  take that to your authoritah and stick it up their and your arsebum, douche nozzle.  offered as a busy and important situation for your joke.   


Needless to say, I didn't get a loan or a roan, nor did I get to hear anything further from his notion of authority or authoritah.  Which is too bad, since my pet rock, Seymour, wanted to fill out the next application.

"Did NOT!!!"

Lord Of The Thrones

It seems that it's more of a global problem than some of us knew.

My latest scammer's opening gambit was pretty lame:  his name is Abdulaiye Rahmani -- perhaps related to the Martha's Vineyard Rahmanis -- and his scam pretty routine:

My name is Mr. Abdulaiye Rahmani, The current Auditor of a bank here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, West Africa.  I have access to an undisclosed amount of moneys here in my bank.  In return, I want something from you and i need your total and 100% cooperation and assistance to realize this task.  


What he wanted, of course, was my confidentiality and my help in getting access to nearly $10 million USD allegedly ensconced in his bank.  Uh huh.

Lots of rich Americans put their money in Burkina Faso banks before they go to die in car accidents and plane crashes there.  'Cuz truthfully, there ain't much else to do in Burkina Faso, unless you want to be eaten by army ants or something.

After talking it over with my pet rock, Seymour, we've both been looking for a scam to make use of the photo above.

*TOING*

Thus, the following edit of the scammer email:


Greetings to you and your flushing toilet

My name is Mr. Abdulaiye Rahmani, The current Auditor of a bank here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso, West Africa.  I have access to an undisclosed amount of moneys here in my bank.  In return, I want something from you and i need your total and 100% cooperation and assistance to realize this task.

I want your flushing toilet.  I am assuring you that I am most serious about this transaction. We will never lack again in life if we can join hands together for making this deal a success.  You'll never lack for moneys; I'll never lack for a flushing toilet.

It has been over 9 years now that we once had the ONLY flushing toilet in Ouagadougou.  No other bank, hotel, fly-infested internet café, cannibal ox cart drive-through restaurant...I do mean NO PLACE....had a flushing toilet.  Only us.  Everyone ELSE has to go out behind a tree to defecate.  And believe me, there isn't a tree left within our borders that ain't got a John Kerry-sized mound of poo-age behind it.

I think I just did something there...if you saw it, tell me what it was, in case it was funny.

At any rate, we had the ONLY flushing toilet here in Ouagadougou.  Then we got robbed.  The robber gang didn't take our money, hostages, nothing.  They took nothing but the very soul and inspiration from our very being.  They kiped our flushing toilet.

And then those savage bastards sold it on eBay.  To a mushroom-addicted politician in San Freakcisco, Bela Pelosi.  They convinced her it was a "magic chair" that had unlimited storage potential and laid golden doogies.

Left wing American politicians is soooooo stupid.  But I digress.

Now our bank smells like the rest of Burkina Faso. 

Well, I came up with a plan.  Not a pran like Kim Jong Il, the dead marrionette in Team America World Police.  If I promised someone MONEY in exchange for their FLUSHING TOILET, I'd make any deal, strike any bargain, go any length to get it done.

Well no..I won't vote under 2700 made-up names for hillary in '16, no matter how many free phones the DNC promises me.  But about anything else goes in my quest to get us the only flushing toilet in Burkina Faso.

If I just did something there and you saw it, let me know I should be laughing here.

So...that's my plan.  Unlike Kim Jong Il's pran, my plan is a much better plan than his pran.  I think you can see that prainry.  Oops, sorry...forgot what character I was supposed to be there for a minute.

I want us to be the talk of all of West Africa again.  We having the only flushing toilet within a thousand miles around.  How ELSE do you think we were making money at this bank?  Surely not by depositing toilet paper valued West African francs?  No...we charged fees for drop-by use of our flushing toilet.

Dude, it pays the bills and thensome.  We have a lot of people who're full of cowadunga here too, y'know.  Just look at Boko Haram.

I am soonest anxious now to know if you are the savior who will render us up a flushing toilet?  It is more than Nine years now and most of us will need to be re-trained on how one works.  But we are willing to learn.  And we plan to reward you if you help us.

 There is no one coming to ask you any question whatsoever about this deal because no one here but me knows about this. Further details shall be mailed to you if only you show any sign of seriousness and interest. Best Regard,
Mr. Abdulaiye Rahmani
+22676966576

abdulaiye5@aol.jp

Founder and CEO of the SAVE OUR FLUSHING TOILET campaign

An SEC 419 approved pran   

 

 

It appears that this edit pretty much took care of Rahmani concluding that I was showing any signs of seriousness and interest here.

 

He might try my pet rock with a follow up.

 

"Will NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!".

More Illumi-nutzoids

The chick nails it.

Some of the Illumi-knotheads in Nigeria aren't happy with what I've done with their emails.  They visit my blog post(s) on the subject and keep posting their own drivel to try and prop up their fool scam.

Yes...the illumi-nippleheads are a SCAM.

Here's the latest email to prove it:


join the illuminati today and get instant sum of 1 million dollars with a free home any where you choose to live in the world and also get 2500 dollars monthly as a salary... If you are interested please kindly contact  Thepowerfulilluminati@gmail.com. No dirty game, no sacrifices and No evil....is a cult of peace, big aim Illuminati group our email Thepowerfulilluminati@gmail.com this is our mobile number contact us now if want to be a member: +2348138201126 or Email Thepowerfulilluminati@gmail.com


LMAO...the first go-around, they didn't offer me an instant 1 million dollars with a free home, let alone a 2500 dollars monthly salary.  Of course, Nigerian illumi-numbnutz are so swimming in wealth, they email this stuff all over the globe just to be generous.  Of course.

And Boko Haram "recruits" young girls for their islamofascist version of The Dating Game.

I was so (un)impressed with the Nigerian illumi-nitwits that I let my pet rock, Seymour, handle the edit:

Herroooooooo!

I am a Great Irruminati!  Don't you too want to be a Great Irruminati?  Oh pretty prease say you want to be a Great Irruminati!  You hurt my serf esteem if you not want to be a Great Irruminati!  I know how to make you want be a Great Irruminati:  for the next ten persons what emair our emair address -- Thepwerfulilluminati@gmail.com -- we give you a speciar bonus...we wave any shipping fees in return for you getting nothing.  If you want something, you have to pay shipping fees which we get into rater.

What you get after you pay the rater-discussed shipping fees is a promise* of birryuns and birryuns of dorrars, a free mud hut furr of dead fries on the outskirts of Ragos, Nigeria, AND you get a monthry arrowance of 2500 West African francs**.

I know you persons in Deadtroit think this is great bargain!

So make my serf esteem go gooder, and say to me "I want to be Great Irruminati" today!  Operators are standing by watching gorirras smash and rip off their phones.  Don't wait...emair or phone NOW***.

*  Promise one thing...derivery another
**  worth about 9 US dorrars 
***  rong as we have a working phone


This particular dispatcher of the "Great Illumi-nosedorks" didn't respond to Seymour's edit.  Perhaps they don't want a pet rock as a member.

"Do TOO!!!"

Unemployed Weather Forecasters Wanted

Apparently the weather really sucks in North Korea.

So much so, their leader -- pudgeball Kim Jong Un -- is demanding that their weather forecasters pick it up a notch.

Mebbe they oughta listen, on accounta cuz he fed his uncle to starved dogs.

My pet rock, Seymour, saw an article on this subject, and naturally he felt compelled to edit it up a notch, too.

Thus and with no more adieu:

N.Korea's Kim bitches that North Korean Weather Service “not take job seriousry”

Vaduz, Liechtenstein (WTF News Service) - North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has announced “corrective steps” regarding his country's weather service for "incorrect" forecasts in a dressing down of a government body in the reclusive nation.

Help Wanted ads are now posted on Craigslist, Monster and other online job hunting sources, after Kim had the entire staff of the Korean Weather Service fed to the same dogs that scarfed his uncle earlier in the year.

"There are many incorrect forecasts as the meteororogicar staff use the same techniques that didn't work the past centuries," Kim said, urging the soon-to-be-new-hires to "rook crosery at what happen to previous staff and fundamentarry" improve its forecasting.

Accurate forecasts are needed to protect the "prans and execution for our eventuar invasion of the South", he said.

Calling the weather service "a bunch of doo-doo heads making right of very very important work affecting future prans to overrun the South", Kim also underscored the need to "quit using weather forecasts from pmsnbc and cnn, as neither works at a high rever", he chortled.

It was not clear when Kim visited the agency, but the “Herp Wanted” posts on Craigslist and other online job sources went up two days ago.

N.Korea often suffers natural disasters such as Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Il and Kim Il Sung. This photo from the NKPAnbc web slight also shows a natural disaster that allegedly hit Pyongyang in 2012. 

When asked about the fact that Pyongyang is not a coastal city, the questioning reporter was arrested for having a Bible in his travel bag.

Undated pictures not released by NKPAnbc showed Kim giving "field guidance" inside the weather service in the capital by holding onto a discredited weatherperson by their feet and using the hapless chap to play tug of war with a pack of hungry dogs.  Unfortunately, NKPAnbc refused to share that picture with us.  Instead, they shared a photo of the modernized meteorological equipment Kim has in mind to help his new weather forecasters to not get eaten by dogs:

North Korea has suffered regular chronic food shortages under the ruling Kim dynasty, with the situation exacerbated by floods, droughts, a vast military build-up, and the kind of incompetent top-down control mismanagement always on display in communist-run countries.  Kim, of course, and his top military industrial magnet fodder don't suffer thus.

In May, state media reported that North Korea was hit by its worst spring drought in more than three decades, threatening thousands of acres of staple crops, which no one really cares about as no one can eat staples. Rice was affected as well, though it was noted that it doesn't hold paper together as well as staples do.  What they failed to report was that the drought coincided with their last nuclear test.

During a freedom famine running from 1948 through today, millions have died while Un waits impatiently for his Team America World Police sequel.  


Seymour still thinks this is gonna net him a Pulitzer, and I am certain it'll only amount to a Pull-My-Fanger.

"Will NOT!!!"

He Needs Someone's Hep

After reading this scam email, neither I nor my pet rock, Seymour, felt we could be of much hep here.

Greetings Of Peace I Bring To You.

Good Day Dear Mr *** ***** (one of my frequently used characters),

I'm sorry to come on you like this but its due the urgency of the situation at hand and being aware that time is not on our side. Please
discard this email immediately you finish reading and you are fully convinced that you cannot be of help (we'll get to that in a moment).

Its a task that needs urgent attention and I will like to get your reply mail immediately to know the next step to follow.

My name is Mr. Steve Williams, I am the accounts director of Kapital
Oil & Gas Nigeria LTD {www.kapitaloilandgasltd.com}. Currently with
the unpredictable national conference going on now in the country and
the 2015 election coming up next year , its quite clear there will be
chaos that may jeopardize the unity of the country, that is why as a
foreigner, I was approached by a serving Minister (name withheld for
now for security reasons) asking me to find a reputable person that will
partner with him in a profitable transaction.

The details of the said transaction which has to do with the movement
of FUND from his foreign account, will be made available to you if I
get your reply mail and all necessary verification of your status is
ascertained.

If you feel confident that you can handle this transaction with
absolute confidentiality, please reply urgently so I can give you the
full details of the transaction.

Thanks and God Bless You,

Mr. Steve Williams.
stevywillyville@gmail.com
--
Mr.  Steve  Williams.
Senior Accounts Executive.
Accounting / Auditing Department.

KAPITAL OIL AND GAS NIG. LTD.
(www.kapitaloilandgasltd.com) 

Since neither me nor the pet rock feel much like heppin' this h'yar feller out -- and since I don't follow scammer instructions well as has been extensively documented -- any of y'all wanna hep him out?  I'm sure he'll be ever so grateful to you, since speaking for me, I'm about to edit his email and make like I'm pissing him off by not doing what I supposed to...  ;-)

Illumi-not-again

In this case, all fraud and lots of mugus on the Nigerian side ;-)

Yes, my previous blog post on the illumi-knotheads has drawn a lot of visits, particularly from Nigeria.

Small wonder, since they've sent me yet another email (and posted it on my blog as well).

This one is perhaps a butt polyp more revealing than their first effort to give me the business.  Witness if you please:


Subject: Join Illuminati And Become Member And get Rich And Famous"

Easy way to join the Illuminati brotherhood in the world.  Kindly contact the Illuminati online registrations officer in USA through their email now:
join.illuminant.department0014@gmail.com

and you shall be given an ideal chance to visit the Satan and his representative
after registrations is completed by you, no sacrifice or human life needed, Illuminati brotherhood brings along wealth and famous in life, you have a full access to eradicate poverty away from your life now. So contact the online registrar at: join.illuminant.department0014@gmail.com

brotherhood of Illuminati...
NOTE BELOW...
YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE SUM OF 2MILLION DOLLARS AND A HOUSE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD...

Phone: +2348162448410
Join Us In Illuminati And Get Rich And Famous 

Every bit as non-convincing as their last effort, and with a third less syllables than their regular schpiel.

Which helped it not at all.

But I've apparently gotten under their skins.  So let's up the itch:

Subject: Join Illumi-anal-passage And Become Member And get Boned And Sodomized

Easy way to join the collection of meth-addicted Third World internet café junkies in a Third World sewer pit:  join their Illumi-nothing 'hood in the world.  No fuller outhouse pit will you find, of this we can assure you, hmmm?

Kindly contact the idiot at the Illuminuthouse desk that handles all online registrations when he's not busy fingering his bunghole.

join.illuminant.department0014@gmail.com

And when you join you shall be given a gold plated baboon loogie, a 'Douche Nozzle of the Year' plaque, and you shall be eligible to receive more abysmally stupid emails from a Satan-wannabe, his jackwagoned representative, and you will belong to a collection of simpering mugu boneheads who think masturbating is messing with their boss.

Please note that here in the Nigerian chapter of illuminot-now-I-have-nut-ache, sacrifice of someone or thing close to you is needed to prove to us your dedication to being a total asshat like we of the illumi-nippleheads are.

If you want wealth and fame in life, get off your ass, get a job and work for it. Joining us will get you nothing but mugu-dumb.

See what we just did there?

So contact the online registrar at:    join.illuminant.department0014@gmail.com  For the first 100 applicants, we have a free photo of you posing with a boko haram transgender goat raper named Ogun.

Even more special:  for the first 1000 applicants they will be entered into a drawing to win..THE SUM OF 2 MILLION DOLLARS AND THE OUTHOUSE IT SITS UNDER.  PLEASE NOTE THAT

THE MONEY IS UNDERNEATH A YEAR'S WORTH OF WILDEBEEST FECES, BUT TO HAVE THIS

FAME AND FORTUNE WE ARE SURE YOU WILL BE WILLING TO DIG FOR IT.

Questions?  Phone: +2348162448410  (that we're in Nigeria should pretty much clear up any questions).

Join Us In Illuminumb-nuts And Get What Naïve Morons Usually Do   


I'm a bit disappointed that this crop of illumi-nitwits apparently read the edit...guess I'm an illumi-no-way...  ;-)

 

70 Years Later

On this, the 70th anniversary of the opening of the 'Great Crusade', thanks to those serving currently, and to those veterans of the day.  They, and what they did, will never be forgotten.

Nothing more need be said.

No Third Parties Please

 

Don't he wish he could.

Back in March, I got one of those typical email scams from a typical-sounding scammer by the name of Abder-Raouf Chaabouni.

Early on, he wasn't the sharpest pencil in the desk. 

Nor did he improve with time.

It allowed me a month of mirth with a moron.

And here's pretty much how it was going along, starting with a little prelim:


In mid March I received an email from a character calling himself Abder-Raouf Chaabouni, an adherent of the religion that goes BOOM when you irritate them, and with a typical line of online scam crapazoid that when it got down to the rat killing, went something like this h'yar:

All I ask is permit me register the consignment in your name as family treasure and you are expected to retrieve it once it's in Europe. There will be no risk in this deal; I have made the necessary arrangement for the safe delivery of the box to your referred location. I will assume you are capable of handling a deal of this magnitude and also trust you to maintain absolute secrecy and confidentiality to protect this great achievement. In less than 4 days the box should be in your possession if you are swift on your part .Beware, I have taken precautionary measures to secure the money. The box is coded with high security gadget and I am the only one that has the right combination to unlock it. You will be entitled to 20% of the total sum of $17,500,000 while 80% will be mine. I will give you 20% of the money and 80% for me. I believe this is a fair deal. Write me back at (EMAIL) for more details

So I writ him back at (EMAIL) and it bounced....*rimshot*...I responded with a simple “you have my attention and I want it back”.

Obviously he only noted that I replied as so many of them do. We begin:

Dear Partner,

How are you doing today? I hope you had a wonderful weekend rest as always. To update you, I have told you before that, everything will be a profitable business proposal which I believe will benefit us after completion like I stated in my previous correspondence mail.I contacted you believing you might be capable of handling this business transaction with me financially.

I want you to understand that, it is against our religion to betray others because karma will surely be proven. I swear with my life and that, of my family that, I have no intention to deceive you but all I want is for both of us to benefit from this transaction and provide a better living for our love ones.

Furthermore, I want every of my dealings with you to be carried out legally,genuinely and transparent. I needed your assistance financially that, is why I contacted you so don't assume wrongly about my person. 

Looking forward to hearing from you and to establish a joint cooperation with long term credible business relation.

Best Regards,

Mr Abder-Raouf Chaabouni

About your religion...it seems to advocate suicide bombers.  Strange religion, y'know?  Anyway, hope the business goes better.

             

Dear Friend and Partner,

I don't want to seek for another partner due to the confidence i have for you.I will really appreciate if you employing more effort and support toward this transaction because the hope the struggle and the hard work towards a goal success is part of the rewards achieving goal itself is not the whole reward best wishes.

I want you to also understand that, its not being together in same country that determines the closeness of honest friends but the mutual desire to communicate constantly that bonds us together.The only obstacle to this deal is the due payment which you have to remit to my lawyer so that, she can arrange the paper work needed in this project. You can be rest assured that, this payment will be the only and final payment you have to send for any reason.

I expect you to resolve this with a kind heart accordingly.

Receive my Hug. Mr Abder-Raouf Chaabouni

Is your lady lawyer hot looking?  If so, tell her I will partner up with her any night.

Dear Partner,

I have been out of town and i came back just yesterday. To answer to your request,my lawyer advise you should remit the payment with details of his senior colleagues as to avoid any suspicious or complications of whatsoever in the future because we must not keep any form of trace in this well planned transaction. 

I believe the reason for this is not far fetch and I advise you to proceed with the western union OR money gram payment with the details information as follows so that, my lawyer can begin with the necessary paper work document on your behalf. 

Receiver Name: Mr Patel Pankaj Purshottam

Receiver address: 2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country: London UK.

Amount: 600 GBP

Attached with this email is the passport copy of the receiver just in case it is required by the western union agent.I hope you understand and you will send me the receipt of the western union OR money gram payment today so that, I can forward it for the retention of my lawyer.

I wish you and your family a blessed weekend.

I will attend to this later in the week.  Very busy at this time.

Dear Brother,

I have told you exactly what is required to get this transaction to the final stage and I wonder why you still drag your feet towards the achievement which will be of great benefit to you and my family.My lawyer is demanding for 4000 USD and I am requesting just a meager charges of 600 GBP to prove your sign of commitment but you still assume wrongly about my personality. It will be a bad lost on my end if you decide to elope with the total funds after the successful completion of this great transaction.

I am very confident with all I have related to you and I believe mutual working relationship will be established between us in the future only if decide to take this risk with me.

I will be waiting to acknowledge your concern and seriousness in this regards.

Not dragging my feet.  Even $600 is a chore to put together.  I should have it by the end of the week.  I'll let you know.

Dear Partner,

I am in receipt of your email and content well noted. To update you, I advise you to proceed with the transfer via western union OR money gram payment with the details information as follows. 

Receiver Name: Mr Patel Pankaj Purshottam

Receiver address: 2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country: London UK.

I hope you understand and you will send me the receipt of the western union OR money gram payment for my record and attention.

Let me make sure I have it:

Receiver Name:  Pastel Pankaj Pushbottom

Receiver Address:  2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country:  London

I have it.            

I will appreciate your optimistic response  in regards to the due payment so that, we can resolve this with a kind heart accordingly. Receive my Hug.

We can dispense with the hug sh**; beyond that, I am to be sure, very much so optimistic.  So shall it be.

And one hour later...

And it is done.  Payment is enroute to you.

And now is when the fun begins:

              

I therefore look forward to acknowledge the receipt of your western union payment for confirmation.  Receive my hug brother.

What'd I tell you about that hug sh**? As for sending the money, I didn't use Western Union.  It's coming differently, but addressed as you indicated.

Did you use money gram service which I believe is cheaper means to send money abroad. Let me know

No, I didn't use MoneyGram, and I didn't send money to any broad.  I sent money as indicated to the person in London you directed.  Sent it via UPS International.  Should arrive via air and ground delivery by Thursday, I reckon.              

You must be a sick person if you didn't follow my instructions.

 Sick? Never felt better in my life I'll have you know. I sent it to you via a most reliable and dependable means, Abner. Granted, your addressing was a bit awkward, but everyone in the civilized world knows which country London is in, so I am sure of correct delivery, because UPS does things right.  Below is what you sent me and what I used for shipment.

Receiver Name:  Pastel Pankaj Pushbottom

Receiver Address:  2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country:  London

I didn't ask you to ship the money. I gave you my wording to send the payment via western union or money gram. If you have sense you should know that, it is not possible to ship money via ups delivery.

I don't get you, Abner. I sent the money exactly as it was addressed, and to the person you asked that it be addressed to. Explain your displeasure.

what do i have to explain to you. I advise you send the money via western union OR money Gram service. I hope this is understood.

Abner, as was just explained to YOU, I have shipped it to the person and the address you gave me to ship it to.  It is on its way.  I cannot stop it now.  You'll have it by Thursday.  Unless you don't trust the person you asked me to ship it to?  If that's the case, why did you list that person instead of yourself?  Explain please.             

 Please be humble and stop deceiving yourself because you didn't ship any money. that is the truth.

What the f**k is the going on inside that turbaned head of yours, Abner?  Go back and read our correspondence.  The money is sent.  It is sent to the person and address that YOU TOLD ME TO SEND IT TO.  Because I chose to ship it rather than wire it you seem to want to get your panties in a bunch over.  And then you have the Third World nerve to suggest I didn't send it?  You're going to be all kinds of apologetic, bud, when that package arrives on Thursday.  If you're lucky, I might be of a mind to forgive you this abject drivel you're sending me.  Are all of you of this peculiar religion of yours this asshatted?  Let's remember:  you contacted ME and asked for MY help.  I gave it and did so to the person and address you asked it to go to.  If that isn't where it was meant to go, you shouldn't have given me that address or person.  Are you clear now?             

LOL...I couldn't insult him enough to have him give up just yet:

I apologies for my rude update but i advise you to send the payment via western union OR money gram. This was my instructions but you assumed wrongly about me.

What it is I assume right or wrongly about you is yet to be determined, bud.  I'm an easy forgiver at times, but you have given me reason to regret having entered this deal with you.  However, since the money is on its way there's nothing for me to do but see this deal through with you.  You just make it a point to carry out your part of the deal and pick up that money at the address I sent it to when it arrives.  Carry out your part of the deal and that is how you may show your genuine apology to me.

First he apologizes, THEN he issues what I choose to take as a veiled threat:              

Please you better do what is right as supposed. I am necessary that I say this to you.  I know people.

And just what does THAT mean, Abner? So you know people.  I'll bet you know goats, camels, sheep and flushing toilets.  Well okay, probably not the last.  Guess what, Abster?  I know people too!  No goats, camels or sheep, though.  But I hold the trump card, because I HAVE a flushing toilet.  So now that we've settled that we both know people etc, what is your point?

You are assuming me wrongly. Allah expect you to stick to agreement. This is way.

Leave the third party idiots out of this. I didn't make an agreement with Allan.  Who the f**k is Allan?  This is between you and me.


And that was apparently more than Abder-Raouf Chaabouni could take; he refused further repartee with my character. He must be counting on those 72 virgin goats in his future plans...