He Vant Be Taken Serially

Sooner or later, it HADDA happen.

One simply cannot take liberties with the feelings of email scammers without, at some point, someone taking offense and letting me know about it.

I dun it now.

*Yawn*

It all started with this brief email from Jerry Smith, online loan scammer, which I happened to tweak a tad before responding:


On Monday, May 5, 2014 7:13 PM, ditta.shop.online <ditta@big.net.id>
>> wrote:
>> Do you need a roan? if yes contact us with Amount Needed, Info, Duration.
>> Emair: info.jerrysmithloan@gmail.com  


I responsed thus:


A roan?  What prease is a roan? 


That apparently wasn't childish enough for him, on accounta cuz he taked me serially:


Dear Customer,
>
>    We understand that you are looking for a loan, we are a legitimate
> lender Firm approved by the Federal Ministry of Finance, We are ready
> to help you with the loan amount that you are in need of. Below are
> the details needed to process the loan. If you are applying for this
> loan we will want you to be serious about it, we will also want you to
> know that getting a loan from our company is 100% assured and secured,
> so it all depend on you, we will want you to fill the borrower's
> information below and return back to us as soon as possible so that we
> can proceed further.
>
> We offer;
> -Hard money loan;
> -line of credit
> -Venture Capital
> To help;
> *Your business cash flow,
> *Build your business
> *Finance your inventory
> *Restructure your credit.
> *Refinance you out of bankruptcy.
> *Invest in real estates
>
> We provide the following type of  hard money loan;
> Acquisition-Loans Equipment Leasing
> Start-up Loans Commercial Property Loans
> Inventory Loans Unsecured Borrowing
> Construction loans
> Accounts Receivable Loans Lines of Credit
> Factoring Warehouse Financing
> Machinery Loans
> Working Capital Loans Flooring Lines
> Agricultural Loans International Loans
> Purchase Order Financing Virtually ANY TYPE OF BUSINESS LOAN
>
> Note: We only grant loans ranging from $10,000.00 to $10 Million
> United state dollars
>
> Qualifications:
> {1} The applicant will start the repayment of loan three {3} months
> after the loan has been transferred to him/her.
>
> {2} Failure to pay back the loan at this expected date/period, legal
> actions will be taken against the applicant by our attorney
> immediately.
>
> { 3 } Applicant who is unable to meet with the repayment will be given
> 2 weeks more as a grace period before legal actions will be taken.
>
> {4 }Particulars: The borrower must provide either one of the
> following:-A Driver's License, An International passport, Or a valid
> Identity Card bearing his/ her name.
>
> Note:You are to Fill the Loan Application Information and Return so
> that we will have more details about you on this Loan Transfer.
>
> LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............
> * Address: ................
> * City: .......................
> * State: ........................
> * Country: ....................
> * Gender: ......................
> * Marital Status: ................
> * Age:..........................
> * Occupation:...................
> * Income Rate: ...................
> * Tel:........................ ...
> * Mobile:.......................
> * Amount Requested: ...............
> * Loan Duration: ..................
> * Loan Purpose.....................
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................
> * Address:...........................
> * Phone Number:....................
>
> After submitting the Loan Application, you can expect a preliminary
> answer less than 24 hours and funding within 72-96 hours of receiving
> the information we need from you.
>
> Here is the website to this loan firm: http://www.jsmiths.co.in/and
> you can always get back to us for that urgent loan you request and i
> assure you that we give loan within 24-hours because we give out the
> fastest loan to our borrowers to solve their financial
> difficulties/problem.
>
> Have a nice day.  Response needed ASAP.
>
> Best Regards
> Jerry Smith
> Managing director Jerry Smith Loan Firm. 


Needed ASAP, eh?  Okay.  I sent him a ASAP respond:


LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............Ben Dover
> * Address: ................              *** G****** Street
> * City: .......................              Central City
> * State: ........................            Colorado
> * Country: ....................            USA
> * Gender: ......................          The country has more than two genders
> * Marital Status: ................      Single
> * Age:..........................              45
> * Occupation:...................        Research Analyst
> * Income Rate: ...................      I rate my income as sucks
> * Tel:........................ ...            Tell who?  No one listens
> * Mobile:.......................            Yes, I have one
> * Amount Requested: ............... $250,000
> * Loan Duration: ..................      Until it's all spent
> * Loan Purpose.....................    To spend
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................      Paranamus Research Analysis, Ltd
> * Address:...........................        *** G****** Street  Central
> City CO USA
> * Phone Number:....................    303-***-****  


Lately these yutzes haven't been reading their emails.  But danged if ol' Jerry Smith didn't only read it the second time, he didn't cotton to what I dun writ therein:


Sir this is a legalized loan firm and please stop playing around if
you know you are not ready to acquire a loan from this loan firm,
please do not write to this office because is childish the way you are
acting right now and is not mature at all. Think about it and do not
take busy and important situation for a joke. Grow up  


Chastised as I orta oughta be after a response like that 'un, I move to make suitable amends with this:


LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:............... Stink Winkle
> * Address: ................                69 UppenyourenassenPlatz
> * City: .......................                Fartfignewton
> * State: ........................            Bavaria
> * Country: ....................            Germany
> * Gender: ......................          Das Menchen
> * Marital Status: ................      Das Kopf
> * Age:..........................             Fortunfiven
> * Occupation:...................        Das Forcken Midde Das Faux Banken Onlinen Undt Schtuff
> * Income Rate: ...................     Not Fast Enoughen
> * Tel:........................ ...            49 40 3886969
> * Mobile:.......................           Das Volksvagen
> * Amount Requested: ...............  250,000 Marks
> * Loan Duration: ..................       However Longensee 250,000 Marks Lasten
> * Loan Purpose.....................      Vhat das fock dust it mattern?
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................   HihoHihoIt's Off To Vork I go
> * Address:...........................     69 Ballbustenundtschtuffplatz
> * Phone Number:....................   49 40 3876969  


Danged if he didn't take kindly to that one either:


STOP THIS AT ONE OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO AUTHORITY.  


He shore told me now, didn't he?  Pity that I didn't listen:


 LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............Eric Cartman
> * Address: ................               69 Cheesypoof Way
> * City: .......................               South Park
> * State: ........................            Colorado
> * Country: ....................            USA
> * Gender: ......................           Animated Male
> * Marital Status: ................       Single
> * Age:..........................              8 based on Ground Hog loop
> * Occupation:...................         Looking To Have Authoritah Respected
> * Income Rate: ...................      Varies season and episode
> * Tel:........................ ...              Unlisted
> * Mobile:.......................             Unregistered
> * Amount Requested: ...............250,000 cheesy poofs
> * Loan Duration: ..................     until all 250,000 cheesy poofs is et
> * Loan Purpose.....................    For you to learn to respect my authoritah!
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................    Comedy Central
> * Address:...........................      LA, Kaliforlornia
> * Phone Number:....................  Look it up, schmuck
PS:  take that to your authoritah and stick it up their and your arsebum, douche nozzle.  offered as a busy and important situation for your joke.   


Needless to say, I didn't get a loan or a roan, nor did I get to hear anything further from his notion of authority or authoritah.  Which is too bad, since my pet rock, Seymour, wanted to fill out the next application.

"Did NOT!!!"