Monday, June 23, 2014

He Vant Be Taken Serially

Sooner or later, it HADDA happen.

One simply cannot take liberties with the feelings of email scammers without, at some point, someone taking offense and letting me know about it.

I dun it now.

*Yawn*

It all started with this brief email from Jerry Smith, online loan scammer, which I happened to tweak a tad before responding:


On Monday, May 5, 2014 7:13 PM, ditta.shop.online <ditta@big.net.id>
>> wrote:
>> Do you need a roan? if yes contact us with Amount Needed, Info, Duration.
>> Emair:
info.jerrysmithloan@gmail.com  


I responsed thus:


A roan?  What prease is a roan? 


That apparently wasn't childish enough for him, on accounta cuz he taked me serially:


Dear Customer,
>
>    We understand that you are looking for a loan, we are a legitimate
> lender Firm approved by the Federal Ministry of Finance, We are ready
> to help you with the loan amount that you are in need of. Below are
> the details needed to process the loan. If you are applying for this
> loan we will want you to be serious about it, we will also want you to
> know that getting a loan from our company is 100% assured and secured,
> so it all depend on you, we will want you to fill the borrower's
> information below and return back to us as soon as possible so that we
> can proceed further.
>
> We offer;
> -Hard money loan;
> -line of credit
> -Venture Capital
> To help;
> *Your business cash flow,
> *Build your business
> *Finance your inventory
> *Restructure your credit.
> *Refinance you out of bankruptcy.
> *Invest in real estates
>
> We provide the following type of  hard money loan;
> Acquisition-Loans Equipment Leasing
> Start-up Loans Commercial Property Loans
> Inventory Loans Unsecured Borrowing
> Construction loans
> Accounts Receivable Loans Lines of Credit
> Factoring Warehouse Financing
> Machinery Loans
> Working Capital Loans Flooring Lines
> Agricultural Loans International Loans
> Purchase Order Financing Virtually ANY TYPE OF BUSINESS LOAN
>
> Note: We only grant loans ranging from $10,000.00 to $10 Million
> United state dollars
>
> Qualifications:
> {1} The applicant will start the repayment of loan three {3} months
> after the loan has been transferred to him/her.
>
> {2} Failure to pay back the loan at this expected date/period, legal
> actions will be taken against the applicant by our attorney
> immediately.
>
> { 3 } Applicant who is unable to meet with the repayment will be given
> 2 weeks more as a grace period before legal actions will be taken.
>
> {4 }Particulars: The borrower must provide either one of the
> following:-A Driver's License, An International passport, Or a valid
> Identity Card bearing his/ her name.
>
> Note:You are to Fill the Loan Application Information and Return so
> that we will have more details about you on this Loan Transfer.
>
> LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............
> * Address: ................
> * City: .......................
> * State: ........................
> * Country: ....................
> * Gender: ......................
> * Marital Status: ................
> * Age:..........................
> * Occupation:...................
> * Income Rate: ...................
> * Tel:........................ ...
> * Mobile:.......................
> * Amount Requested: ...............
> * Loan Duration: ..................
> * Loan Purpose.....................
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................
> * Address:...........................
> * Phone Number:....................
>
> After submitting the Loan Application, you can expect a preliminary
> answer less than 24 hours and funding within 72-96 hours of receiving
> the information we need from you.
>
> Here is the website to this loan firm:
http://www.jsmiths.co.in/and
> you can always get back to us for that urgent loan you request and i
> assure you that we give loan within 24-hours because we give out the
> fastest loan to our borrowers to solve their financial
> difficulties/problem.
>
> Have a nice day.  Response needed ASAP.
>
> Best Regards
> Jerry Smith
> Managing director Jerry Smith Loan Firm. 



Needed ASAP, eh?  Okay.  I sent him a ASAP respond:


LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............Ben Dover
> * Address: ................              *** G****** Street
> * City: .......................              Central City
> * State: ........................            Colorado
> * Country: ....................            USA
> * Gender: ......................          The country has more than two genders
> * Marital Status: ................      Single
> * Age:..........................              45
> * Occupation:...................        Research Analyst
> * Income Rate: ...................      I rate my income as sucks
> * Tel:........................ ...            Tell who?  No one listens
> * Mobile:.......................            Yes, I have one
> * Amount Requested: ............... $250,000
> * Loan Duration: ..................      Until it's all spent
> * Loan Purpose.....................    To spend
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................      Paranamus Research Analysis, Ltd
> * Address:...........................        *** G****** Street  Central
> City CO USA
> * Phone Number:....................    303-***-****  



Lately these yutzes haven't been reading their emails.  But danged if ol' Jerry Smith didn't only read it the second time, he didn't cotton to what I dun writ therein:


Sir this is a legalized loan firm and please stop playing around if
you know you are not ready to acquire a loan from this loan firm,
please do not write to this office because is childish the way you are
acting right now and is not mature at all. Think about it and do not
take busy and important situation for a joke. Grow up  



Chastised as I orta oughta be after a response like that 'un, I move to make suitable amends with this:


LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:............... Stink Winkle
> * Address: ................                69 UppenyourenassenPlatz
> * City: .......................                Fartfignewton
> * State: ........................            Bavaria
> * Country: ....................            Germany
> * Gender: ......................          Das Menchen
> * Marital Status: ................      Das Kopf
> * Age:..........................             Fortunfiven
> * Occupation:...................        Das Forcken Midde Das Faux Banken Onlinen Undt Schtuff
> * Income Rate: ...................     Not Fast Enoughen
> * Tel:........................ ...            49 40 3886969
> * Mobile:.......................           Das Volksvagen
> * Amount Requested: ...............  250,000 Marks
> * Loan Duration: ..................       However Longensee 250,000 Marks Lasten
> * Loan Purpose.....................      Vhat das fock dust it mattern?
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................   HihoHihoIt's Off To Vork I go
> * Address:...........................     69 Ballbustenundtschtuffplatz
> * Phone Number:....................   49 40 3876969  



Danged if he didn't take kindly to that one either:


STOP THIS AT ONE OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO AUTHORITY.  


He shore told me now, didn't he?  Pity that I didn't listen:


 LOAN APPLICATION FORM:
> * Name Of Applicant:...............Eric Cartman
> * Address: ................               69 Cheesypoof Way
> * City: .......................               South Park
> * State: ........................            Colorado
> * Country: ....................            USA
> * Gender: ......................           Animated Male
> * Marital Status: ................       Single
> * Age:..........................              8 based on Ground Hog loop
> * Occupation:...................         Looking To Have Authoritah Respected
> * Income Rate: ...................      Varies season and episode
> * Tel:........................ ...              Unlisted
> * Mobile:.......................             Unregistered
> * Amount Requested: ...............250,000 cheesy poofs
> * Loan Duration: ..................     until all 250,000 cheesy poofs is et
> * Loan Purpose.....................    For you to learn to respect my authoritah!
>
> EMPLOYMENT:
> * Place Of work:....................    Comedy Central
> * Address:...........................      LA, Kaliforlornia
> * Phone Number:....................  Look it up, schmuck

PS:  take that to your authoritah and stick it up their and your arsebum, douche nozzle.  offered as a busy and important situation for your joke.   


Needless to say, I didn't get a loan or a roan, nor did I get to hear anything further from his notion of authority or authoritah.  Which is too bad, since my pet rock, Seymour, wanted to fill out the next application.

"Did NOT!!!"

Labels: ,

6 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahaha. Well you didn't get the roan, but I'm pretty sure you are far better off.

Have a fabulous day. My best to Seymour. :)

23 June, 2014 09:49  
Anonymous Iffi said...

Glad to read your post :). It is very informative!

23 June, 2014 13:47  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My name is Mrs pilaiter waiter and i live in the USA California and life is worth living right now for me and my family and all this is because of one man sent by GOD to help me and my family, i once had a life filled with sorrow because my first SON needed a kidney transplant and all our savings were going towards his medications and this normally leaves us with no money to pay our bills or even put enough food on our table and our rent was due and no funds to pay these bills and life felt so unfair to me and every night my wife will cry herself to sleep every night until one day, i was browsing through yahoo answers and i saw a striking advert of a man that gives out personal loans and that the offer is opened to all and i have heard so many things about internet scams but at this point of my life, i was very desperate and ready to take any risk and at the end of the day, i applied for this loan and from one step to another, i got my loan within 12 hours through bank transfer and you know, it was all like a dream and i called Mr Tony Harton A Man who is the GOD sent lender i found and said, i have received my loan and he smiled stating that to GOD be the glory and i was so shocked as i have never ever seen anyone with such a GOD fearing and kind heart and today, i am the happiest man on earth because by GOD’S grace, my SON kidney transplant was successful and today he is healthy, i and my family are living very comfortable and happy and if you are in my former situation or in serious and legitimate need of a loan, you can reach this GOD sent lender via tonyharton2@gmail.com

Mrs pilaiter waiter

23 June, 2014 21:39  
Anonymous Debbie said...

You've attracted some scammers in your comment section???

Perhaps you can get a 'roan' from them, since this guy, Jerry Smith, would not accommodate you.

Jerry Smith is a nice American sounding name, isn't it.

Debbie
Right Truth
http://www.righttruth.typepad.com

24 June, 2014 14:55  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you need a Loan from an islamofascist?
Are you looking for Finance in all the wrong places?
Are you looking for a Loan to blow up your business?
I think you have come to the worst place on the internet.
We offer Loans with free camel sex clinics thrown in.
Interested people should please contact us on
For immediate response to your application, Kindly
reply to this emails below only:
mohamendloanservice@gmail.com

Please, do provide us with the Following information so we can direct our terrorists to find you.
1) Full Infidel Name:.........
2) Gender:.........
3) Loan Amount You Think You'll Get:.........
4) Loan Duration:.........
5) Country:.........
6) Home Address:.........
7) Mobile Number:.........
8)Monthly Income:.....................
9)Occupation:...........................
)Which site did you here about us (Arab 419ers, More BANG for your BANK, or Islamofascist Fiscal F**ks Online)....................

Thanks and go to hell you infidel bastard.
mohamendloanservice@gmail.com

12 July, 2014 06:43  
Blogger Lauren Travis said...

TESTIMONY ON HOW I GOT MY CHRISTMAS LOAN FROM A GENUINE LOAN COMPANY LAST WEEK.

I’m Mrs LAUREN TRAVIS by name. I live in USA, i want to use this medium to alert all loan seekers to be very careful because there are scammers everywhere.Few months ago I was financially strained, and due to my desperation I was scammed by several online lenders. I had almost lost hope until a friend of mine referred me to a very reliable lender called Mr Alvaro amaranto who lend me an unsecured loan of $90,000 under 7hours last week without any stress. If you are in need of any kind of loan just contact him via Email:Alvaroloancompany@yahoo.com.
i am using this medium to alert all loan seekers because of the hell I passed through in the hands of those fraudulent lenders. And I don’t wish even my enemy to pass through such hell that I passed through in the hands of those fraudulent online lenders,i will also want you to help me pass this information to others who are also in need of a loan once you have also receive your loan from Alvaro Amaranto,i pray that God should give him long life. God bless him forever for the good things he has done in my life.

Mrs Lauren Travis

19 October, 2014 22:35  

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