No Third Parties Please

 

Don't he wish he could.

Back in March, I got one of those typical email scams from a typical-sounding scammer by the name of Abder-Raouf Chaabouni.

Early on, he wasn't the sharpest pencil in the desk. 

Nor did he improve with time.

It allowed me a month of mirth with a moron.

And here's pretty much how it was going along, starting with a little prelim:


In mid March I received an email from a character calling himself Abder-Raouf Chaabouni, an adherent of the religion that goes BOOM when you irritate them, and with a typical line of online scam crapazoid that when it got down to the rat killing, went something like this h'yar:

All I ask is permit me register the consignment in your name as family treasure and you are expected to retrieve it once it's in Europe. There will be no risk in this deal; I have made the necessary arrangement for the safe delivery of the box to your referred location. I will assume you are capable of handling a deal of this magnitude and also trust you to maintain absolute secrecy and confidentiality to protect this great achievement. In less than 4 days the box should be in your possession if you are swift on your part .Beware, I have taken precautionary measures to secure the money. The box is coded with high security gadget and I am the only one that has the right combination to unlock it. You will be entitled to 20% of the total sum of $17,500,000 while 80% will be mine. I will give you 20% of the money and 80% for me. I believe this is a fair deal. Write me back at (EMAIL) for more details

So I writ him back at (EMAIL) and it bounced....*rimshot*...I responded with a simple “you have my attention and I want it back”.

Obviously he only noted that I replied as so many of them do. We begin:

Dear Partner,

How are you doing today? I hope you had a wonderful weekend rest as always. To update you, I have told you before that, everything will be a profitable business proposal which I believe will benefit us after completion like I stated in my previous correspondence mail.I contacted you believing you might be capable of handling this business transaction with me financially.

I want you to understand that, it is against our religion to betray others because karma will surely be proven. I swear with my life and that, of my family that, I have no intention to deceive you but all I want is for both of us to benefit from this transaction and provide a better living for our love ones.

Furthermore, I want every of my dealings with you to be carried out legally,genuinely and transparent. I needed your assistance financially that, is why I contacted you so don't assume wrongly about my person. 

Looking forward to hearing from you and to establish a joint cooperation with long term credible business relation.

Best Regards,

Mr Abder-Raouf Chaabouni

About your religion...it seems to advocate suicide bombers.  Strange religion, y'know?  Anyway, hope the business goes better.

             

Dear Friend and Partner,

I don't want to seek for another partner due to the confidence i have for you.I will really appreciate if you employing more effort and support toward this transaction because the hope the struggle and the hard work towards a goal success is part of the rewards achieving goal itself is not the whole reward best wishes.

I want you to also understand that, its not being together in same country that determines the closeness of honest friends but the mutual desire to communicate constantly that bonds us together.The only obstacle to this deal is the due payment which you have to remit to my lawyer so that, she can arrange the paper work needed in this project. You can be rest assured that, this payment will be the only and final payment you have to send for any reason.

I expect you to resolve this with a kind heart accordingly.

Receive my Hug. Mr Abder-Raouf Chaabouni

Is your lady lawyer hot looking?  If so, tell her I will partner up with her any night.

Dear Partner,

I have been out of town and i came back just yesterday. To answer to your request,my lawyer advise you should remit the payment with details of his senior colleagues as to avoid any suspicious or complications of whatsoever in the future because we must not keep any form of trace in this well planned transaction. 

I believe the reason for this is not far fetch and I advise you to proceed with the western union OR money gram payment with the details information as follows so that, my lawyer can begin with the necessary paper work document on your behalf. 

Receiver Name: Mr Patel Pankaj Purshottam

Receiver address: 2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country: London UK.

Amount: 600 GBP

Attached with this email is the passport copy of the receiver just in case it is required by the western union agent.I hope you understand and you will send me the receipt of the western union OR money gram payment today so that, I can forward it for the retention of my lawyer.

I wish you and your family a blessed weekend.

I will attend to this later in the week.  Very busy at this time.

Dear Brother,

I have told you exactly what is required to get this transaction to the final stage and I wonder why you still drag your feet towards the achievement which will be of great benefit to you and my family.My lawyer is demanding for 4000 USD and I am requesting just a meager charges of 600 GBP to prove your sign of commitment but you still assume wrongly about my personality. It will be a bad lost on my end if you decide to elope with the total funds after the successful completion of this great transaction.

I am very confident with all I have related to you and I believe mutual working relationship will be established between us in the future only if decide to take this risk with me.

I will be waiting to acknowledge your concern and seriousness in this regards.

Not dragging my feet.  Even $600 is a chore to put together.  I should have it by the end of the week.  I'll let you know.

Dear Partner,

I am in receipt of your email and content well noted. To update you, I advise you to proceed with the transfer via western union OR money gram payment with the details information as follows. 

Receiver Name: Mr Patel Pankaj Purshottam

Receiver address: 2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country: London UK.

I hope you understand and you will send me the receipt of the western union OR money gram payment for my record and attention.

Let me make sure I have it:

Receiver Name:  Pastel Pankaj Pushbottom

Receiver Address:  2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country:  London

I have it.            

I will appreciate your optimistic response  in regards to the due payment so that, we can resolve this with a kind heart accordingly. Receive my Hug.

We can dispense with the hug sh**; beyond that, I am to be sure, very much so optimistic.  So shall it be.

And one hour later...

And it is done.  Payment is enroute to you.

And now is when the fun begins:

              

I therefore look forward to acknowledge the receipt of your western union payment for confirmation.  Receive my hug brother.

What'd I tell you about that hug sh**? As for sending the money, I didn't use Western Union.  It's coming differently, but addressed as you indicated.

Did you use money gram service which I believe is cheaper means to send money abroad. Let me know

No, I didn't use MoneyGram, and I didn't send money to any broad.  I sent money as indicated to the person in London you directed.  Sent it via UPS International.  Should arrive via air and ground delivery by Thursday, I reckon.              

You must be a sick person if you didn't follow my instructions.

 Sick? Never felt better in my life I'll have you know. I sent it to you via a most reliable and dependable means, Abner. Granted, your addressing was a bit awkward, but everyone in the civilized world knows which country London is in, so I am sure of correct delivery, because UPS does things right.  Below is what you sent me and what I used for shipment.

Receiver Name:  Pastel Pankaj Pushbottom

Receiver Address:  2-5 Warwick Court London WC1R 5DJ

Country:  London

I didn't ask you to ship the money. I gave you my wording to send the payment via western union or money gram. If you have sense you should know that, it is not possible to ship money via ups delivery.

I don't get you, Abner. I sent the money exactly as it was addressed, and to the person you asked that it be addressed to. Explain your displeasure.

what do i have to explain to you. I advise you send the money via western union OR money Gram service. I hope this is understood.

Abner, as was just explained to YOU, I have shipped it to the person and the address you gave me to ship it to.  It is on its way.  I cannot stop it now.  You'll have it by Thursday.  Unless you don't trust the person you asked me to ship it to?  If that's the case, why did you list that person instead of yourself?  Explain please.             

 Please be humble and stop deceiving yourself because you didn't ship any money. that is the truth.

What the f**k is the going on inside that turbaned head of yours, Abner?  Go back and read our correspondence.  The money is sent.  It is sent to the person and address that YOU TOLD ME TO SEND IT TO.  Because I chose to ship it rather than wire it you seem to want to get your panties in a bunch over.  And then you have the Third World nerve to suggest I didn't send it?  You're going to be all kinds of apologetic, bud, when that package arrives on Thursday.  If you're lucky, I might be of a mind to forgive you this abject drivel you're sending me.  Are all of you of this peculiar religion of yours this asshatted?  Let's remember:  you contacted ME and asked for MY help.  I gave it and did so to the person and address you asked it to go to.  If that isn't where it was meant to go, you shouldn't have given me that address or person.  Are you clear now?             

LOL...I couldn't insult him enough to have him give up just yet:

I apologies for my rude update but i advise you to send the payment via western union OR money gram. This was my instructions but you assumed wrongly about me.

What it is I assume right or wrongly about you is yet to be determined, bud.  I'm an easy forgiver at times, but you have given me reason to regret having entered this deal with you.  However, since the money is on its way there's nothing for me to do but see this deal through with you.  You just make it a point to carry out your part of the deal and pick up that money at the address I sent it to when it arrives.  Carry out your part of the deal and that is how you may show your genuine apology to me.

First he apologizes, THEN he issues what I choose to take as a veiled threat:              

Please you better do what is right as supposed. I am necessary that I say this to you.  I know people.

And just what does THAT mean, Abner? So you know people.  I'll bet you know goats, camels, sheep and flushing toilets.  Well okay, probably not the last.  Guess what, Abster?  I know people too!  No goats, camels or sheep, though.  But I hold the trump card, because I HAVE a flushing toilet.  So now that we've settled that we both know people etc, what is your point?

You are assuming me wrongly. Allah expect you to stick to agreement. This is way.

Leave the third party idiots out of this. I didn't make an agreement with Allan.  Who the f**k is Allan?  This is between you and me.


And that was apparently more than Abder-Raouf Chaabouni could take; he refused further repartee with my character. He must be counting on those 72 virgin goats in his future plans...