Bonco UnInc vs Email List Scammer

Ya never know the direction an email scambait can take.  Which is part of the fun.

Emmanuel Benson -- the name he gives, anyway -- emails to gawd knows how many folks a simple scam, offering to sell email addresses.

Here's his ploy:


FOR SALE, HIGH QUALITY, HIGH SELLING MAILING LISTS!

GOOD PRICE, PAYMENT ALL WAYS.

 

 

I didn't find it THAT interesting, so here was my reply:

 

 

Oh boy!  Mailing lists!  What perfectly LAME-O F**KING USELESS PIECES OF SH*T!!!!

 

 

THAT didn't get a response.  But, in keeping with my normal SOP, I included Emmanuel in a few email scam rewrites as a recipient.  This one in particular, an online loan ploy, totally unrelated to his scam:

 

 

Hello,
Are you a manatee or a wombat looking for a loan? Ha...hahaha...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Since when do

f**king mammals and marsuipals apply for and get loans?

 

Are you f**king animals sniffing crack or something?

 

We are a SERIOUS F**KING LOAN FIRM you stupid

plants, animals, whatever the f**k...we deal in loans to

REAL F**KING PEOPLE, NOT KOALAS OR PIRANHAS!

F**K...WHERE THE F**K DID YOU THINK THAT WE

OF THE LANCED BOILS LOAN FIRM WOULD LOAN

MONEY TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN HUMANOIDS???

 

NOW, IF YOU F**KING MORPH INTO HUMAN MAMMALS,

GET AHOLD OF US FOR SOME OF THIS KIND OF SH*T:

* Personal Loan
* Business Loan
* Private loan

And More.....

BUT IF YOU'RE A F**KING ANIMAL, BITE ME AND ALL THOSE

WHO LOOK LIKE ME if you think you're going to get a loan here, you   

STUPID ANIMAL, PLANT, WHATEVER THE F**K YOU ARE!!!

 

AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING TRICKY ON THE APPLICATION;

PAWPRINTS WILL BE A DEAD GIVEAWAY THAT YOU'RE NOT

ELIGIBLE TO FILL THIS SH*T OUT, YOU F**KING ANIMAL!!

 

LOAN APPLICATION

Name(Note:  Names like "Bobo" and "Fluffy" will be tip offs that you're not humanoids, bitches): ___________________________________________
Loan Amount Needed: ___________________________
Last Time You Had Sex With A Orthopod: ___________________________________________
Marital Status: _________________________________
Country: ________________________________________
State: ________________ Age: _________________
Telephone No:________________________________
Loan Duration:__________________________
monthly Income:______________________________
Occupation: ______________________
Purpose of loan: _________________________
Religion (if you say you don't have one we'll f**king KNOW you're not a humanoid): _____________________________________

Regards.
Mr.Lance 

 

 

And THAT got a response from Emmanuel:

mailing lists? 

 

 

Which drew this response from me:

 

 

Mailing lists?  

 

 

And from there, the back and forth begins:

 

 

yes, amount of email addresses for you to email customers 

 

 

Okay...how does this work? 

 

 

you pay me, then i will send you email addresses of  customers 

 

 

Oooooh.  What do I pay you and how many customer email addresses will I get? 

 

 

500k Addresses-25GBP

1,000,000 Addresses- 35GBP

2,000,000 Addresses- 45GBP

4,000,000 Addresses- 60GBP

ONE TIME OFFER 10MILLION ADDRESSES FOR 15GBP 

Payable via UKASH, Money Gram, PayPal or credit card.

Thank you

Emmanuel 

 

 

Wait a sec...4 million addresses will cost me 60 GBP, while 10 million will only cost me 15 GBP? 

My math is not computing that.  

 

 

Because the 10 million for 15gbp is a one time offer, it only lasts for a few weeks then the price will go up again 

 

 

How can you make money by giving away six million extra addresses for less than the cost of 500k?  This is extraordinary  

 

 

Becuae it is a special offer, that price will not be happening in one week.

Do you understand me? 

 

 

The whyfor of the deal, no.  But that it'll run out in a week's time, yes.

I'll get back to you on my needs in the next day or so. 

 

 

So what to do, what to do....and then I decide what to do:

 

 

OK thanks 

 

 

Can I get 15 million email addresses at a special discount?  I have marvelous and potentially lucrative marketing plans for this.  Pls let me know soonest.  

 

 

 Yes, You can.  I will sell for 10 GBP

How would you pay?  

 

 

What is 10 GBP in US Dollars? 

 

 

17USD i think, if you pay now, you will need to wait until 1st November however

 

 

November 1st?  Why?  Is there a Halloween special mixed in, like an email booo-gain? 

 

We had a problem with our Hard Drive, and all the files are compressed in Binary, we will not have all of our files back to normal until November 1st. 

 

 

I would like to know that if I send you the money for 15 million email addresses tomorrow, I can have the addresses by no later than Monday, October 14.  This is crucial to my marketing scheme.  It stands to make me $750,000 before year end.  

 

 

750,000?  Really? 

 

 

Yes, $750,000.  Could potentially be more.  Depends on how the roll out of the new company's IPO goes, but it has unique products and I am very confident based on my contacts and references.  So...the more email addresses the better.  If you're interested, I'll see what I can do.  

 

 

*Jeopardy Theme whilst we wait for Emmanuel to ponder*

 

 

 than you my friend.  if you pay via paypal, i will give you 20 million email addresses.  


20 million???  YOWZA!!!  With that number, my marketing plan is sure to score BIG!  I have the company and the product line all set and ready to go...By January 1, I can realize easily $750,000, especially since the holiday shopping season is ahead!  What do I owe you for the 20 million email addresses?  


 20GBP, via PayPal  


Now it's time to bring my bogus company into the act:


Okay.  Which product from the pending product line would you be interested in?  The company has a sports beverage in disposal containment pack, a car guidance system, and flying pest control device, a dietary supplement to prevent unpleasant culinary sideaffects, a musical collection CD, a universal translator device, a space-time device, and a harvester that uses Nature to decrease time needed for harvesting crops.  Which would you like to reap the benefits from?  


 But Emmanuel ignores my effort for now:


I will send you mails, if you pay. After this we can do a deal.  


But dude...this deal has a closing window, and depending on your size, it's closing fast!  


You pay me for the emails and then we talks.  I cannot finds this corporate listed. 


Bonco UnInc?  Hell, it's INTERNATIONALLY KNOWN!  Whaddaya mean you can't find it listed? 


are you do a deal for email addresses or not?  Send money to my paypal and then we talk. 


I persist; he persists.  Finally I relent and ask him to refresh my memory on where to send the money.  After sending me one email address to use for his paypal account, he follows it immediately with another:

**The last message was a mistake, please use this one**

emailsalelists@gmail.com  is my PayPal please pay the sum OF 15GBP or 25 USD.  


Okay, got it.  I'll email you with confirmation that it's sent, and then you can tell me which Bonco product you want to sign on with.  


After three days pass, Emmanuel gets antsy:


Sir Will you be purchasing our product?  


Of course.  I am busy with start ups and roll outs of the Bonco product lines.  I will email you the instant I have made the payment.  


Now it's time to see how long I can play the "oh whoops" game with him.  A couple more days, and I finally send him this:


The fee for the emails has been paid to your playpen account.  When can I expect my emails?  


What pay?  I go there and find no money from you?  


Really?  I sent it as you directed. 


You send it to email address I give you?  *and he repeats the address above*


Yes, I sent it to emailfaillists@gmail.com, just like you said.  


that not address I send you!  I send you emailsalelists@gmail.com! 


Son of a broom rider....so you did.  Lemme see if I can get my payment back from where I sent it.  


A day passes and...


What is going on?  I must hear from you soonest.  


Okay...playmate was able to retrieve my funds from the wrong email address, so now they're sent to the right email address.

 

 

Are you jesting me or stupid?  No money is in my account.  And what is playmate?  This is serious business.  

 

 

No jest.  I sent it like you said, to emailsnaillists@gmail.com.  25 USD.  I have the online receipt from platypus to prove it.

 

 

you are jerking me.  that is not address I tell you. 

 

 

Would you KINDLY quit jerking ME, and quit changing the address you want me to use for pigpen? 

 

 

At this point, Emmanuel decides he's not getting his 25 USD:

 

 

F**k you and stop email me.  You are jackass. 

 

 

Not true, Emmanuel...I'm registered unaffiliated.  But your uncompromising words tell me that you'll be missing out on the greatest online marketing campaign since the nobamacare website imploded. 

 

 

Which apparently, Emmanuel doesn't care about.  He doesn't want to be jerked no more.

 

He hadn't better trying logging into the nobama(doesn't)care site then, either....

Sickophant

Here we go again.

A picture of a lady in a hospital in the UK (this time), sending me (and gawd knows how many others) her last wishes regarding a large inheritance fund she says she has.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

These silly scammers should really invest in a new photograph.  This makes about three dozen of the same photo for three and more dozen different named scammers now.

Meet the latest, in (not) her own words:


Hello dear,

I am Mrs. Aisha Al Mutasim from England, I am a childless widow. I am married to the late Engr. Sahad Hassan of blessed memory who worked with British embassy in Kuwait for twelve years and retired as an oil merchant, before he died in 2006. After the death of my husband, I decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial home.   I fought against this illness 4 years after his death, fibroid problems and hearing impairment from medic reactions. We were married for eight years without children. He died after a short illness. Recently, my medic attendant told me that I would not last long in the next 3 week because of my illness.  This is me in picture I send you.

I have a deposit of $10.6M Usd in a financial institution which was realized after a contract with an oil firm in Middle-east.I want to invest this fund into charity organization; In short I want to use it to improve humanity. I am taking this decision because I do not have a child who will inherit this money and I can not believe my relatives, because they were hostile to me, since I have been suffering from this illness.   As soon as I receive your reply I shall inform my lawyer to help you for the release of the fund to you. I want you to exclusively use this fund to
help the less privileged and build orphanage homes and to support inteelects in your country.

The grace of God encouraged me to take this bold step. Please also assured me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein.
  God bless you.
Mrs. Aisha Al Mutasim  


I thought of digging up the woeful tune from Young Frankenstein as I read and re-read this, but found that Napolean XIV's They're Coming To Take Me Away Ah-haaaaaaaaaaa was far more appropriate.

Thus, I responded as I am wont to do with such emails -- 'cuz as all of you who read this blog know, I have the compassion of a conservative, according to low information leftists who don't know their ass from a hole in the ground -- with an edit fitting of the original email:

Hello,

This week, I am Mrs. Aisha Al Mutasim from England, I am a childish black widow. I am married to the late Engr. Sahad Hassan of dubious memory who worked cleaning dunnys in the UK embassy in Kuwait for twelve years and retired covered with irremovable odors even the camels couldn't go.  After the death of my husband -- I ate him after sex...y'know us black widows --  I decided not to re-marry unless I found the perfect goat.  Then I got ill from having etted him, developing testicular problems  which I shouldn't not have oughta had, along with herring impairment and thrombosis

hairballs in my uterine canal, not to mention -- so why am I -- having grown an abridged penile growth on my tongue.  Medic reactions here were pretty unusual.  I take it they would have thought nothing of it in California. 

 

Before I et my hubs, we were married for eight years without children. In fact, we only  had sex once...he inspected and I consumed.  Anyway, my meth-addicted medic attendant told me that I would not be able to spin any more webs of intrigue, as my vaginal thread spinner had sprung and dun run out of spinnage.

 

I thinks it also has to do with everyone here finding out about my hub's culinary end.  At this point I am instructed to write that I have a deposit of $10.6M Usd in a financial institution which was realized after a contract with an oil firm in Middle-east.  Funny, since I don't has a plug nipple to rub on my breasts before betting it on something.

 

Anyways, I wants to incest this mystical sum into charity organization; In short I want you to believes this sh*t so you think you can use it to improve humanity.

 

I crack myself ups sometime.

 

I am taking this decision because I do not have anythings better to do since our satellite TV was ripped off by a roving pack of gorillas, and I can't get Orpah on my Phony Watchman.  Perhaps I can make enough from you to fix my satellite in time for Jerry Springer.

 

As soon as I receive your reply I shall inform my lawyer to help fuck you over for my benefits. I want you to think you'll get to exclusively use this fund to help the less privileged and build orphanage homes and to support inteelects in your country.  Maybes you can send me a smellchecker for

my conpooter, two.

 The grace of God has nothing to do with this, since I pray to a preserved rhino's ass on special occasions.  Please also assured me that you will act accordingly as the rhino's ass telled me to has stated herein.
 

Receive thus the blesseds of my dietized rhino's ass.  

 

 

I didn't hear back from the 'dying widow' -- perhaps she 'died', or took the time to actually read what I dun to her email -- but one of my former scammers whom I continue to dump edits on, had something to say:

 

 

when u stop this sh*t in my email box?  

 

 

A question...I love to answer a question:

 

 

When I stop getting this sh*t to put in your full of sh*t email box.  Until then, make the most of it.  Mix them, match them, collect the whole set.  Be the first of your friends to have the entire collection that shows what a buttmunch you've been. 

 

 

He'll go back to pouting, and I'll go back to packing his email box thus  ;-)  Oh yes...I have over a dozen unanswered emails pending...

 

Halloween, Libyan Scammers, Shutdowns and Edits, Oh My

This pumpkin looks like he's reading the letter a lengthily-named Libyan scammer sent me, seeking my help to complete the assignment 'she' was allegedly given by the late and unlamented President Moammar Qaddafi (one spelling of many).

Yeah, right.

Granted, it was a tidy sum 'she' was talking:  $94 million USD.

Which I'm sure already went to pay for Barrycade's last vacation, but I digress.

The letter -- a significant missive of dubious antecedence and occasionally shoddy syntax -- was an editing joy to behold.

But I didn't edit all of it:  no, I left significant passages of the original letter intact, just making cosmetic changes, as my pet rock, Seymour, thought would be appropriate.

So, to differentiate between what remains of the original letter and my edits, you'll read the following thus:  if the print is like this, that's what the scammer originally sent me.  If it's in italics, that's my edit.

I'm still awaiting thoughts from the scammer and about 50 of 'her' peers and colleagues.

I'll probably be waiting for an honest democrat even longer:


Dear Friend,

 

I decided to contact you after viewing your prostate. It is unfortunate that we should meet like this, looking through your prostate and be in this transsexual situation with camels like this.  Although, I haven't much time but the short period is enough to explain to you  about this deal.

 

However, since the announcement of building an amusement park in late president Gadhafi's compound has been coupled with the sentence of Ahmed Ibrahim (Gadhafi's education minister ) to death when he was found guilty of installing peekaboos in the seats of the women's restrooms.  This resulted into the video of more than 20 miles of female Libyan fecal material  and the predictable Girls Gone Defecating videos now viral on Libyan websites that allowed more than 1,000 goats to escape near Benghazi. Since then, things has  never been the same in Libya.  This could be the commencement of a second government shutdown in the world, after yours.

 

 

This would be a situation, a terrible one indeed here in Libya, because we don't have msnbc here to make it the Republicans' fault.   Since the announcement of the restroom peekaboos and the escaping goats, thing has changed drastically here. If you have been following the PRESS TV or even BBC news, then you will be aware of how many cases of painful rectal itch exists here earlier before now. It said the case against moochelle Obama having taken physical control of barack's testicles is clearly demonstrated every time Jay Carney drivels.  Barack -- which sound like someone throwing up every time it be said -- and other senior regime members would include charges of forming criminal gangs, inciting rape of hamsters and illegal shutdowns of stuff that war veterans will kick the sh*t out of them over.  And the situation got worst after Hillary Clinton proved she had access to controlling Barack's balls, too.  She gots the lockbox for Slick Willie's, y'know. 

 

 

We read it on Snopes.  It's about the only thing we believe there.

 

 

Six soldiers from an elite Libyan army unit were raped overnight by masked yaks in the restive eastern city of Ben-anything-goes-zi.  A source at the army's command center in the city told CNN that Hong Kong was really down river from Deadtroit, and not in Brazil.  

This then led to heavy fighting between manatees and piranha in the area, he added. Benghazi was the center of the uprising that toppled flushing toilets and porta-potties every where around here in 2011 during Halloween, which the terrorists -- funded by the guy who's name sounds like throw up -- didn't understand whatsoever, especially when Hillary arrived on a broom.  It has become increasingly unstable amid clashes between militant goats, camels, and who's getting Carlos Danger photo tweets of what analysts believe to be a snail darter dork.  Not to be left out, donkeys with different tribal and ideological links control parts of the city, which has seen a wave of attacks on government workers duped into being bent over when the donkeys jump mount them. And this attacks has escalated. If the donkeys join the goats and camels in these rape-crazy times, what is the hope of Kathleen Sebelius of getting laid here?  

 

 

It will make a good sense to begin with an identification of my humble self.  My name is Mrs. Bustillous Bustillous Emillia Ahmed Bin -- my spellchecker can never survive past the 'Bin' -- a former Venezuela Citizen before marrying a Islamist goataphile named Achmed.  I was a loyal companion and a business representative of President Muammar Al-Gaddafi's pet gerbils. In other words, I have been his rodent mama.

 

However, before the escalation of various farm animals behaving like democrats at an Occupy camp, the sum of $94 million was released to me by a tights-wearing munchkin who was running madly from a gang of horny goats.  Unfortunately for him, they caught him in Dubai and Dubai-Dubai-dooed him there, ruining his tights.   But fortunately for me, the munchkin decoyed the goats off my camel-pounded ass.  Now that Libya is tougher than telling Old Faithful not to geyse because of the government shutdown -- it just geologically tells the Inferior Secretary to piss up a rope -- i have decided to run for Congress in a democrat district with a fake birth certificate so I can sit on my ass and vote "present" and one day be just like the guy who's name sounds like you're throwing up when you say it.

 

 

Really.

 

 

Suffice to say that, my primary aim of writing you this message was something entirely different before the smartass son of a bitch that received it edited the f**k out of it and made me look like Debbie Wasserman-Schlitz...a stammering buffoon with the face of a zombie's butt. 

 

For the purpose of clarity, I will ask you to kindly send me this copy of the email, so I can (a) send you what I intended to do to you and (b) try to track down this jackwagon and douche his dictionary.   

 

Finally, based on the experience i have had here in Deadtroit, seeing all these innocent cattle raped and children stampeded amongst their parents on unsafe playgrounds full of soccer balls and monkey bars, i promised my God that if  he sees my family and i through this difficult and trial times, we shall move to Liectenstein and learn to ass yodel.  I think that a better life than to stay in Deadtroit and have Occupy Whatever zombies steal my free phone and Cheese Puffs in some liberal udopian "spread the cheeks" society based on the Las Vegas odds on who's head is further up Barack's ass...his or Chris Matthews.  it will be a dream come true. 

 

 

Unless I wake up in NYC with Michael Bloomingidiotberg taking away my guns, 20 oz sodas, and making me douche with East River water.  That is not the dream I am planning to have.

 

Yours  Ada Emillia (I left off the rest 'cuz my hands cramped from overusing my dildo last night).

Email me back?        sshaikhh22@ovi.com

 

 

As I said, I sent a copy of this to the originating scammer, 50 of her fellows, and the Democrat National Crime-ittee.  So far, none of them have responded.

 

I know that in the case of the DNC it's because of the government shutdown; their one and only literate member is still trying to figure out how to plug up Old Faithful, leaving none of them to read what the email says.  I suppose I should have presented it in talking points with giant font and spelled ebonically...

Scammers Get Anuddah Break

Something came along I hadda share.

Not so much the picture, albeit fitting for the season.

No, I hadda share this h'yar little tidbit that was floating around Facepalm.  It made me laugh.

What's more, I've tried the very same experiment, with the very same outcome.

This, of course, is not what Hizzoner Mikey Bloomberg wants to hear.

Then again, he can't hear, what with all the crap in his ears from where he's spent shoving his head the past few years.  Poor boy.

Anyway, it's things like this below that put bloative gas in Bloomie's bloomers...and makes me laugh:

As I said, I too have tried this very experiment.  And my gun is every bit as well behaved as Walter "Digger" New's. 

Even moreso:  it assures my pet rock, Seymour, that no morphed and marauding leftover will get him.

Good gun.  Sit.

The Ticking Crock

A break in making fun of scammers.

Life and death.  We all have our time.

Whatever your view, I found this funny.

If you've been reading here long, you won't be surprised by that.  Especially with my thoughts on soeterodoesn'tcare, trying to marxize a hellthscare plan near you.

I first heard of Deathclock.org years ago.  It was formatted a little differently then, but the premise was pretty much the same:  enter some key data, and the 'Death Clock' would calculate your last day of this life.

An optimist would view this as perhaps "now I can make the most of every remaining moment!".  A pessimist would be afraid of having to wait that long. 

A low information soetero voter would just be pissed that they couldn't get a free phone or cheese at the site.

I hear that the creators didn't originally set out to make this particular application:  they tried to make their calculator pick Super Bowl and Kentucky Derby winners.  *BUZZZZER*  It totally muffed on the last 8 NCAA March Madness brackets.  And it was an abysmal failure in finding intelligent life in Nancy Pelosi's voting district or at the DC DNC hq, so the creators found a new use for it.

This is far more entertaining and manageable than seeking intelligent life on the Left. 

Anyway, visit the site, plug in some basics (DOB, gender, alcohol consumption, smoker or not, BMI (which it will approximately calculate for you if you don't know it...I of course know my BMI like I last knew my cholesterol levels in 2006), and then it will give you four choices for your date of demise:  optimistic, neutral, pessimistic and 'suicidal' (which I prefer to refer to as 'under soeterodoesn'tcare regulations').

When I tried my stats under the 'under soeterodoesn'tcare regulations', the graphic above was my result.

Which will pretty much settle my concerns about retirement ;-)

My pessimistic result added 7 years to my life span; not so pessimistic, eh?  My neutral one, only three more than that, which suggests that pessimists and "eh" aren't so far apart.

The optimistic one suggests I'll make it to the 100 year anniversary of Pearl Harbor.  Barely.  Since I missed the original Pearl Harbor by just a tad over 15 years, you can do the math.

The site also offers you a chance to comment on your results, and even email comments to the site originators.

Some of the comments are a hoot.  You can tell who takes themselves too seriously.

So for some amusing, if a bit morbid fun in October with Halloween on the horizon...*TOING*...visit Deathclock.org.

Since a future post is about a scammer who wants to sell me millions of email addresses at pounds on the dollar -- including perhaps YOURS -- you might relish this and the next posts a bit longer.

NAPA Know How In Benin

No, that's not your kid's teddy...but it's kinda sorta on the mark for the latest edit of a Western Union email scam out of the African country of Benin.

Actually, the *TOING* that led to this photo to go with this edit came because of the original title of the email:  A NEW WESTERN UNION.

After reading it, I realized the only thing 'new' about it was the latest names involved.  Otherwise, the basic email and the ploy therein sucked.

Thus, the *TOING*

The original email itself is boring and poorly written.  I'll give you about one paragraph to discern that:

We are very sorry for all the problem that you have passed through because of this your belong payment of which you failed till now, First of all, I want to introduce my self to you, My Name is Dr Nick Maxx, I am the new elected Director General of Western Union Office Benin Republic i have been choose last week.  I am writing this mail with deep sorrow i saw your name on our file through my searching as the one of the most beneficiary which did not receive his fund valued $1,500,000 usd which suppose to be transferring at the rate of $3,500.00 per day during the time of formal Director. 

 

 

And yes, I made note of the failings of the 'formal Director' in the edit, as you'll note:

 

 

WELCOME TO WESTERN UNION SEND STUFF* WORLDWIDE:

COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC/ADDRESS 455 WILLIAMS,

ANAL ROAD OPPOSITE COLON MOTORS COTONOU.

A NEW WESTERN UNION

ATTENTION

We are very sorry for all the problem that you have passed through because of this your belong payment of which you failed till now.  I hope you can read that, because I am, after trying to, in a most disconcertive "WTF?" and am giving up.  So I'll just want to introduce my self to you, My Name is Dr P. Nile Dysfunction, I am the new erected Dilector General of Western Union Orifice Benin Republic i have been choosed last week by a jury of my pee-ers.

I am writing this mail with deep sorrow on accounta cuz I seed your name on our file through my searching as the one of the most beneficerary which we ain't not yet managed a scam out of, and this cause me great sphincter spasms and death stares from my supervisor, a dubious antecedent with dilapidated bowels.  

The reason i am emailing you today is to inform you that  my predecessor has been sacked out since last two weeks due to his inept work, and he is currently behind the tent, having his nuts attached to a car battery.  I am here to inform you that if you don't let me accomplish what that incompetent douche nozzle failed to, I will be surgically converted into a yak.  This can only be avoid by you trusting me and follow my directums.

I find out you haven't not yet sent a lot of money in order to get on our list of "from intendees to accomplished mugus", and this is not acceptworthyable.  WTF, dude.  Therefore i am to tell you that the reason you did not yet fall for our ingenital ploy is because  the former person appointed to lead you to the direct way to get you to send us money is as inept as Nancy Pelosi in a broom-riding competition with Hillary Rodehard Clinton.  Due to  his ineptitude he is now having the unique experience of having his nuts jumpstarted by NAPA knowhow.

We have arranged to try you again because our investigation confirmed that you ain't been doned by us yet, and every arrange on how to start getting you doned was made normal for so much as it is in our power to have doned you, thy will be doned.  Boneakkeneezer.

Also there is one CERTIFICATE called (FUNGUS AMONGUS) which you suppose to obtain from Federal High Court Benin which will -- despite their being high on Kaliforlornia meth -- noticed that you are not a Benin Citizen, which we are tell them is no matter because you are resident of Deadtroit, which look about the same.  So I thinks it makes no difference, to quote your former secretary of stank.  According to the instruction passed to this Department from the office of the (Federal High Court), a rebushed piranha vagina and $15 dollars in Taco Bell food will make this okay. 

So i want you to know that you're still owing us money to change your status in our files.

According to our messenger who went to the Federal High Court Office for the Release Order to disconnect the car battery from my predecessor's testicles, Engineer Paul Ede, he was informed that it will cost you $95.00 only for our changing of your file status, and for disconnecting my predecessor from the car battery.

 

He's down to one nearly-exploded testy, so you might want to avoid being guilted here by sending us money soonest.

Unless you think you can sleep at night knowing that you could have saved at least one of my predecessor's nuts and didn't, pleased to make with haste to follow the next:

 

SEND THE $95.00 VIA WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM WITH BELOW ADDRESS:

RECEIVER-Obiorah Anekwe

CITY-COTONOU

CONUTRY-BENIN REPUBLIC

QUESTION- But my lord I have been in your family since 1532

ANSWER- so has syphilis, now get out

AMOUNT-$95.00 

I am here giving you guarantee and also 100 % Percent assurance that if you do this soonest, my predecessor can keep one salvageable testicle.  And I won't be turned into a yak.

I will be waiting right here, listening to to my predecessor's one remaining nut sizzle.

Regards,

Dr P. Nile Dysfunction

WELCOME TO WESTERN UNION SEND STUFF* WORLDWIDE:

COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC/ADDRESS 455 WILLIAMS,

ANAL ROAD OPPOSITE COLON MOTORS COTONOU.

A NEW WESTERN UNION

ATTENTION

We are very sorry for all the problem that you have passed through because of this your belong payment of which you failed till now.  I hope you can read that, because I am, after trying to, in a most disconcertive "WTF?" and am giving up.  So I'll just want to introduce my self to you, My Name is Dr P. Nile Dysfunction, I am the new erected Dilector General of Western Union Orifice Benin Republic i have been choosed last week by a jury of my pee-ers.

I am writing this mail with deep sorrow on accounta cuz I seed your name on our file through my searching as the one of the most beneficerary which we ain't not yet managed a scam out of, and this cause me great sphincter spasms and death stares from my supervisor, a dubious antecedent with dilapidated bowels.  

The reason i am emailing you today is to inform you that  my predecessor has been sacked out since last two weeks due to his inept work, and he is currently behind the tent, having his nuts attached to a car battery.  I am here to inform you that if you don't let me accomplish what that incompetent douche nozzle failed to, I will be surgically converted into a yak.  This can only be avoid by you trusting me and follow my directums.

I find out you haven't not yet sent a lot of money in order to get on our list of "from intendees to accomplished mugus", and this is not acceptworthyable.  WTF, dude.  Therefore i am to tell you that the reason you did not yet fall for our ingenital ploy is because  the former person appointed to lead you to the direct way to get you to send us money is as inept as Nancy Pelosi in a broom-riding competition with Hillary Rodehard Clinton.  Due to  his ineptitude he is now having the unique experience of having his nuts jumpstarted by NAPA knowhow.

We have arranged to try you again because our investigation confirmed that you ain't been doned by us yet, and every arrange on how to start getting you doned was made normal for so much as it is in our power to have doned you, thy will be doned.  Boneakkeneezer.

Also there is one CERTIFICATE called (FUNGUS AMONGUS) which you suppose to obtain from Federal High Court Benin which will -- despite their being high on Kaliforlornia meth -- noticed that you are not a Benin Citizen, which we are tell them is no matter because you are resident of Deadtroit, which look about the same.  So I thinks it makes no difference, to quote your former secretary of stank.  According to the instruction passed to this Department from the office of the (Federal High Court), a rebushed piranha vagina and $15 dollars in Taco Bell food will make this okay. 

So i want you to know that you're still owing us money to change your status in our files.

According to our messenger who went to the Federal High Court Office for the Release Order to disconnect the car battery from my predecessor's testicles, Engineer Paul Ede, he was informed that it will cost you $95.00 only for our changing of your file status, and for disconnecting my predecessor from the car battery.

 

He's down to one nearly-exploded testy, so you might want to avoid being guilted here by sending us money soonest.

Unless you think you can sleep at night knowing that you could have saved at least one of my predecessor's nuts and didn't, pleased to make with haste to follow the next:

 

SEND THE $95.00 VIA WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM WITH BELOW ADDRESS:

RECEIVER-Obiorah Anekwe

CITY-COTONOU

CONUTRY-BENIN REPUBLIC

QUESTION- But my lord I have been in your family since 1532

ANSWER- so has syphilis, now get out

AMOUNT-$95.00 

I am here giving you guarantee and also 100 % Percent assurance that if you do this soonest, my predecessor can keep one salvageable testicle.  And I won't be turned into a yak.

I will be waiting right here, listening to to my predecessor's one remaining nut sizzle.

Regards,

Dr P. Nile Dysfunction

* I was told I couldn't say 'sh*t', so I had to substitute.  But believe me...'stuff' around here is 'sh*t' anywhere else. 

So far as I can tell, no reply or inquiry is forthcoming from the 'new Western Union' in Benin, and I reckon the predecessor's sizzling testicle is long since blowd up.

And no, Benin can't sue NAPA no how....

Lotto Brevity

Lotto scams.  Ya gotta luv 'em.

Especially the brief ones.

Take this one for instance...one of the shortest lotto scam emails I've ever received:

Dear Brethren, My name is Jeanne Fortuyn, Am a 62 years old widow. I winned big lottory and I want to donate Seven Million, Five
hundred thousand United state dollars. 7,500,000 USD to charity Organisation in your country.Please contact
me for more detail (jeanefortuyu01@yahoo.com.hk)
Regards, Jeanne Fortuyn. 


Forget that the email was addressed from a Stacey Lewis
(stacey.lewis@apsva.us) and sent to info@notice.com. 

I guess I had the right info to get noticed, eh?

Forget about the terrible grammar and spelling; for all I know, she's a student in the Chicago public skools.  With that in mind, her self-esteem is already laying in enough tatters to last a lifetime; I really felt an obligation to reply, and with almost as much brevity as she:


Dear Episcopals, my name is Sharon Fallatio.  Yes, my parents really name me that.  They wrote comedy for Rachal Madcow to use on a sitcom with Barney Fwank, entitled My Entirely F***ed Up Worldview.  It was supposed to run on Airhead America, until it capsize and stink.

I was cleaning out my closet, and I found 7.5 million vaginal swabs I never turned in to get tested for whatever it was I was swabbing.  I guess I just liked swabbing.  Hooha.  A little more to the LOOOEEEEEEE, oh yassa, dat be da spot, homeboy!

So now, my local municipality is demanding I send these things somewhere.  Ecological disaster, they said?  I think I should be file discrimination but Gloria Allred's busy trying to prop up Sandra Fluke. 

So, I gots ta go someplaces wid alla dis swabs.  You want somma dis?
If yes, email me h'yah at jeanefortuyu01@yahoo.com.hk; if you don't, I hope one of your neighbors gets a bunch and leaves them for your cat to drag in.


After a couple days, I got a reply with which I am wholly in agreement with:


u 1 sick bastard 


Only if I order some of your swabs.  I hear even crotch crickets can't go 'em.  Hillary Clinton might be in for a few thou though....


The ensuing silence suggests she thinks her point is made...



 

The FBI Gets Madder -- II

Since the Benin-based 'FBI' "are been watched" me, you'd think my baiting reply to their email (last post) would have triggered a reaction...*nyuk*.

It didn't...so I tried the 'editing for fun and annoyance' route (previously referred to as my version of 'bait and switch').

Here's what went back to the Benin-based 'FBI', after the 'bait':

Anti-Uncle and Flying Monkey Crimes Division

Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Burro Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Feather Boas Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention, this is the final warning you are going to receive from me do you get me? I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you?  My name is Barry Hussein Soetero, and I and my sex pard Eric 'Here You Holder' approves this messages.

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to send our flying monkeys over your place of residence and have them sh*t all over your property...THEN you will be  jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi, since then with it all shat over, it'll be like home for us. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any primate organization.

 

See what happens when you piss us off?  Our flying monkeys are already in a holding pattern near you.

Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to insert you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you.  Plus they're tell everyone on Entertainment Tonight that you queef and your mama dresses you funny.

 

This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the feather boa enema that the late J. Edgar Hoover sent you via UPS via Science Fiction Theatre 3000.  This is the federal bureau of investigation (fbi) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given from the 32nd of This Month to make with following our instructions.

 

Meantime, we're going to jackslap that low information wanker who gave us this f**ked up calendar we just used.  Does September have 32 days?

 

As stated, you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated.

 

And we spank the monkey.  No, not the flying ones.

Your previous failures to comply with our directives have cause us to get really, REALLY pissed off.  Our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48 hours as strictly signed by the fbi director.  Meantime, he is looking for new secretary and/or a new spellcheck program because this one sucks donkey balls. 

 

We have made up a fake investigation and found out that you knew when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now if you id is placed on our website as a wanted person, i believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family tree because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the fbi for having guinea pigs loose in your knickers.

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to get $98 USD send to us because we are the fbi and we say so, okay?  Efram Zimbalist Jr give testimonial on Aljazeera just the other day, endorsing this process, along with unicorn dildos.  So, you are to send us $98 USD immediate using this informations bellow:

 

NAME: Charles Osita

ADDRESS: Benin Republic

City: Porto-Fino

TEXT QUESTION: DOUCHE

ANSWER: NOZZLE

AMOUNT: $98

Senders name======

 

You best git it done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal platypus vaginas that were earmarked to go to Kim Jong Un of North Korea, since he such a fat 'n ugly pudge that no regular female want have sex with him.

Note/ all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today and a benediction tomorrow to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of spanking monkeys with intent to cause whatever happens when monkeys get spanked, so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched when you are spanking monkeys.

Bet yo' ass, dawg.

 

Director: James Comey On Ovah 'n Spank My Monkey

WASHINGTON DC

Anti-Uncle and Flying Monkey Crimes Division

Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Burro Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Feather Boa Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001   

 

 

As noted in the last post, the "are been watching" cat ain't shooted me yet.  Or replied. 

 

 

My pet rock, Seymour, still has taken the precaution of sunning his self under a Kevlar umbrella... 

The FBI Gets Madder...

The "FBI" is back in my email box.  For the umpteenth time.  And their mad about it.

'Cuz I won't re or comply.

Which I find funny, 'cuz I've replied each and everytime.  Just not the way this particular 'FBI' wants me to.

It doesn't improve here.

But I must say...this is the most threatening-toned email I've received from the FBI.  From pretty much start to finish, with a couple paragraphs of tone-down before the crescendo of threat at the end.

The last sentence is the reason for this choice of photo.

Read it and see for yourself:

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division

Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov

Attention, this is the final warning you are going to receive from me do you get me? I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you?.

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any private organization.

Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to insert you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the certificate signed, endorsed and stamped as you where instructed in the e-mail below. this is the federal bureau of investigation (fbi) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given from the 23rd of This Month. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated.

You failed to comply with our directives and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 23rd as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the fbi director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now if you id is placed on our website as a wanted person, i believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the fbi.

As a good Christian and a honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the efcc and they directed me to a private attorney who could help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse, sign and stamp the document at the sum of $98.00 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you. 

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $2.500,000.00 usd.

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you today till next week so that you could get this process done because i learnt that you were sent several e-mail without getting a response from you, please bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it has befall on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.

NAME: Charles Osita

ADDRESS: Benin Republic

City: Porto-Novo

TEXT QUESTION:FOR

ANSWER: YOU

AMOUNT: $98

Senders name======

Send the payment details to me which are senders name and address, mtcn number, text question and answer used and the amount sent. Make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $2.500,000.00 usd which was suppose to have been transferred to you all this while.

Note/ all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges, so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched.

THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

Director James Comey

WASHINGTON DC

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division

Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov  

 

 

I "are been watched".  Yeah, those Benin-based FBIers are soitenly on top of things.

 

So like Eric Cartman, I covered my bases h'yah...and thah.  For this one, I employed first bait...and then switch.  First, I replied directly to the 'FBI':

 

 

I just checked, and I have six more 'final warnings' available in my 'personal exemption' file as indicated in FBI Investigative File 4357-000000000000000000000000001099.519.  You may verify this via the NSA's pet rock listening device inconspicuously planted in my living room.  So this email from you to me is prematurely ejaculated, and you should retrieve and re-insert it in your 'pending' folder until such time as I have exhausted my aforementioned exemptions.

 

I am me and I approve this response.  Your results may vary.  Void where flushing toilets work.  If you have received this email in error, check the number and try again.  Side affects may include but are not limited to toe cramps, butt munches, queefs, painful rectal itch, pet rock psoriasis ("does NOT!!!") and sphincter spasms.  The NSA knows you've received this. 

 

 

And in the next post, you'll see the complete edit done to the FBI's email.

 

I've been outside several times since this took place, and the cat ain't shooted me yet...

 

Not Soonererest

What good is a government shutdown widdout a little fun had widdit?

And a scam email gave me the perfect opportunity.

Another one of those UN scam commissions is contacting my email address (under gawd knows what name that they have it as) to compensate me for being a scam victim of four African countries whose primary exports these days seem to be email scams.

Here's the ploy:


Attention: Beneficiary,

The United Nation Compensation Commission with its Domiciliary Office in Nigeria and its other outlets in Benin Republic, Ghana and Burkina Faso received a report of scam against you. The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkina Faso and Ghana have recompense you following United Nation World Re-compensation Commission (U.N.W.R.C) held with the four countries Government and various countries High Commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the four countries Citizens. Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU). Compensation has been issued out in a Visa Gold to all the affected victims and has already been in distribution to all the bearers. Your Visa Gold was among those that were reported undelivered. We wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your Visa Gold immediately.

In light of the aforementioned please provide the following information to enable us confirm your information for payment.

Your Full Name: (No Abbreviation Please)
Current Residential Address:
Previous Home Address if any:
Direct Contact Telephone Number:
Fax:
Driver License or Passport:
ID No:

Yours Sincerely,
Susan Kingham (Mrs.)
Payment Coordinator
West Africa Payment Officer
Tel: +1-707-370-5193 


Eh...an edit was called for, and what with the perfect backdrop of current events to use thereas, I found myself waxing typically me in the edit:

Attention:

The United Nation Constipation Commission with its Domiciliary Office in Nigeria and its other outlets in Benin Republic, Ghana and Burkina Faso received a report of scam against you by your potus Barrycades Hussein Soetero, and his ragweed chia pet Harry Reid. The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkina Faso and Ghana have be horrorfried by what is that they are do to you, in so far as we didn't not think to does it firster than they did. 

 

So munch so, that following United Nation World Re-constipation Commission (U.N.W.R.C) held with the four countries Government and various countries High Commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the US potus and his douche nozzle allied butt polyps, we decided to send you this afore it too late for you to have any moneys left.

 

Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU) which consist of two cows, three monkeys that looks like Hillary, Debbie Wassathat-Schlitz and Bela botox Pelosi, and a door knob.  We are stilled not surety what the door knob knows, but hope it turns out well.

 

We thinks maybes you seed what we just do-ed theres?

 

Constipation has been issued out in the form of small amounts of plasterd of paris prostituted in your coffee instead of your coffee's mate.  Yours supply was among those that were reported undelivered. We wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your plasterd of paris soonest if not soonerer. 

 

 

 In light of the aforementioned please provide the following information to enable us confirm your information for posting on every fly-infested internet café hereabouts.

Your Full Name: (No Abbreviation, approbation, consternation, masturbation or other words we has to looks up Please)
Current Residential Address:
Previous Home Address if any (we likes to know if we had speaks with you in another formats):
Direct Contact Telephone Number:
Fax:
Driver License or Passport photo of Barney the purple dinosaur chasing scientists at Jurassuck Park, currently closed-ed due to government shitdown:
ID Yes or No or Maybe or Not if you want to vote in Crimecago:

Yours Insincerely but working on it badly,
Susan Kingham (Mrs.)
Constipation Coordinator
West Africa Constipation Dytribution Ocfficer
Tel: +1-707-370-5193
U. N. C. C Regional office office <customerservice02@dgoh.org>

 

DISCLAMMER:  pleased to be it knowd that if you has receipted this communication in air or otherwises, what matter does it makes?  Nothing herein guarantees you to find intelligent life forms at Washington DC DNC orifices, or in the pmsnbc lowerarchy.  You mights check at Hooters. At leasts those boobs donut pass laws. 

 

 

I don't know if the UNers -- likely Nigerians or furloughed democrap staffers masquerading as same -- got the point of the edit.

 

But it does appear that they got the point that I wasn't going to be cooperating with them...