The FBI Gets Madder...

The "FBI" is back in my email box.  For the umpteenth time.  And their mad about it.

'Cuz I won't re or comply.

Which I find funny, 'cuz I've replied each and everytime.  Just not the way this particular 'FBI' wants me to.

It doesn't improve here.

But I must say...this is the most threatening-toned email I've received from the FBI.  From pretty much start to finish, with a couple paragraphs of tone-down before the crescendo of threat at the end.

The last sentence is the reason for this choice of photo.

Read it and see for yourself:

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division

Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov

Attention, this is the final warning you are going to receive from me do you get me? I hope youre understand how many times this message has been sent to you?.

We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment then, we would first send a letter to the mayor of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the fbi. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not suppose to be working for the government or any private organization.

Your id which we have in our database been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to insert you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the certificate signed, endorsed and stamped as you where instructed in the e-mail below. this is the federal bureau of investigation (fbi) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given from the 23rd of This Month. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties confiscated.

You failed to comply with our directives and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you on the 23rd as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the fbi director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now if you id is placed on our website as a wanted person, i believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the fbi.

As a good Christian and a honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the efcc and they directed me to a private attorney who could help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse, sign and stamp the document at the sum of $98.00 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you. 

You need to do everything possible within today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Benin Republic when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $2.500,000.00 usd.

I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you today till next week so that you could get this process done because i learnt that you were sent several e-mail without getting a response from you, please bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it has befall on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.

NAME: Charles Osita

ADDRESS: Benin Republic

City: Porto-Novo

TEXT QUESTION:FOR

ANSWER: YOU

AMOUNT: $98

Senders name======

Send the payment details to me which are senders name and address, mtcn number, text question and answer used and the amount sent. Make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $2.500,000.00 usd which was suppose to have been transferred to you all this while.

Note/ all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges, so be warned not to try any thing funny because you are been watched.

THANKS FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.

Director James Comey

WASHINGTON DC

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division

Fbi Headquarters In Washington, D.C.

Federal Bureau Of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov  

 

 

I "are been watched".  Yeah, those Benin-based FBIers are soitenly on top of things.

 

So like Eric Cartman, I covered my bases h'yah...and thah.  For this one, I employed first bait...and then switch.  First, I replied directly to the 'FBI':

 

 

I just checked, and I have six more 'final warnings' available in my 'personal exemption' file as indicated in FBI Investigative File 4357-000000000000000000000000001099.519.  You may verify this via the NSA's pet rock listening device inconspicuously planted in my living room.  So this email from you to me is prematurely ejaculated, and you should retrieve and re-insert it in your 'pending' folder until such time as I have exhausted my aforementioned exemptions.

 

I am me and I approve this response.  Your results may vary.  Void where flushing toilets work.  If you have received this email in error, check the number and try again.  Side affects may include but are not limited to toe cramps, butt munches, queefs, painful rectal itch, pet rock psoriasis ("does NOT!!!") and sphincter spasms.  The NSA knows you've received this. 

 

 

And in the next post, you'll see the complete edit done to the FBI's email.

 

I've been outside several times since this took place, and the cat ain't shooted me yet...