Bonco UnInc vs Email List Scammer

Ya never know the direction an email scambait can take.  Which is part of the fun.

Emmanuel Benson -- the name he gives, anyway -- emails to gawd knows how many folks a simple scam, offering to sell email addresses.

Here's his ploy:


FOR SALE, HIGH QUALITY, HIGH SELLING MAILING LISTS!

GOOD PRICE, PAYMENT ALL WAYS.

 

 

I didn't find it THAT interesting, so here was my reply:

 

 

Oh boy!  Mailing lists!  What perfectly LAME-O F**KING USELESS PIECES OF SH*T!!!!

 

 

THAT didn't get a response.  But, in keeping with my normal SOP, I included Emmanuel in a few email scam rewrites as a recipient.  This one in particular, an online loan ploy, totally unrelated to his scam:

 

 

Hello,
Are you a manatee or a wombat looking for a loan? Ha...hahaha...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Since when do

f**king mammals and marsuipals apply for and get loans?

 

Are you f**king animals sniffing crack or something?

 

We are a SERIOUS F**KING LOAN FIRM you stupid

plants, animals, whatever the f**k...we deal in loans to

REAL F**KING PEOPLE, NOT KOALAS OR PIRANHAS!

F**K...WHERE THE F**K DID YOU THINK THAT WE

OF THE LANCED BOILS LOAN FIRM WOULD LOAN

MONEY TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN HUMANOIDS???

 

NOW, IF YOU F**KING MORPH INTO HUMAN MAMMALS,

GET AHOLD OF US FOR SOME OF THIS KIND OF SH*T:

* Personal Loan
* Business Loan
* Private loan

And More.....

BUT IF YOU'RE A F**KING ANIMAL, BITE ME AND ALL THOSE

WHO LOOK LIKE ME if you think you're going to get a loan here, you   

STUPID ANIMAL, PLANT, WHATEVER THE F**K YOU ARE!!!

 

AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING TRICKY ON THE APPLICATION;

PAWPRINTS WILL BE A DEAD GIVEAWAY THAT YOU'RE NOT

ELIGIBLE TO FILL THIS SH*T OUT, YOU F**KING ANIMAL!!

 

LOAN APPLICATION

Name(Note:  Names like "Bobo" and "Fluffy" will be tip offs that you're not humanoids, bitches): ___________________________________________
Loan Amount Needed: ___________________________
Last Time You Had Sex With A Orthopod: ___________________________________________
Marital Status: _________________________________
Country: ________________________________________
State: ________________ Age: _________________
Telephone No:________________________________
Loan Duration:__________________________
monthly Income:______________________________
Occupation: ______________________
Purpose of loan: _________________________
Religion (if you say you don't have one we'll f**king KNOW you're not a humanoid): _____________________________________

Regards.
Mr.Lance 

 

 

And THAT got a response from Emmanuel:

mailing lists? 

 

 

Which drew this response from me:

 

 

Mailing lists?  

 

 

And from there, the back and forth begins:

 

 

yes, amount of email addresses for you to email customers 

 

 

Okay...how does this work? 

 

 

you pay me, then i will send you email addresses of  customers 

 

 

Oooooh.  What do I pay you and how many customer email addresses will I get? 

 

 

500k Addresses-25GBP

1,000,000 Addresses- 35GBP

2,000,000 Addresses- 45GBP

4,000,000 Addresses- 60GBP

ONE TIME OFFER 10MILLION ADDRESSES FOR 15GBP 

Payable via UKASH, Money Gram, PayPal or credit card.

Thank you

Emmanuel 

 

 

Wait a sec...4 million addresses will cost me 60 GBP, while 10 million will only cost me 15 GBP? 

My math is not computing that.  

 

 

Because the 10 million for 15gbp is a one time offer, it only lasts for a few weeks then the price will go up again 

 

 

How can you make money by giving away six million extra addresses for less than the cost of 500k?  This is extraordinary  

 

 

Becuae it is a special offer, that price will not be happening in one week.

Do you understand me? 

 

 

The whyfor of the deal, no.  But that it'll run out in a week's time, yes.

I'll get back to you on my needs in the next day or so. 

 

 

So what to do, what to do....and then I decide what to do:

 

 

OK thanks 

 

 

Can I get 15 million email addresses at a special discount?  I have marvelous and potentially lucrative marketing plans for this.  Pls let me know soonest.  

 

 

 Yes, You can.  I will sell for 10 GBP

How would you pay?  

 

 

What is 10 GBP in US Dollars? 

 

 

17USD i think, if you pay now, you will need to wait until 1st November however

 

 

November 1st?  Why?  Is there a Halloween special mixed in, like an email booo-gain? 

 

We had a problem with our Hard Drive, and all the files are compressed in Binary, we will not have all of our files back to normal until November 1st. 

 

 

I would like to know that if I send you the money for 15 million email addresses tomorrow, I can have the addresses by no later than Monday, October 14.  This is crucial to my marketing scheme.  It stands to make me $750,000 before year end.  

 

 

750,000?  Really? 

 

 

Yes, $750,000.  Could potentially be more.  Depends on how the roll out of the new company's IPO goes, but it has unique products and I am very confident based on my contacts and references.  So...the more email addresses the better.  If you're interested, I'll see what I can do.  

 

 

*Jeopardy Theme whilst we wait for Emmanuel to ponder*

 

 

 than you my friend.  if you pay via paypal, i will give you 20 million email addresses.  


20 million???  YOWZA!!!  With that number, my marketing plan is sure to score BIG!  I have the company and the product line all set and ready to go...By January 1, I can realize easily $750,000, especially since the holiday shopping season is ahead!  What do I owe you for the 20 million email addresses?  


 20GBP, via PayPal  


Now it's time to bring my bogus company into the act:


Okay.  Which product from the pending product line would you be interested in?  The company has a sports beverage in disposal containment pack, a car guidance system, and flying pest control device, a dietary supplement to prevent unpleasant culinary sideaffects, a musical collection CD, a universal translator device, a space-time device, and a harvester that uses Nature to decrease time needed for harvesting crops.  Which would you like to reap the benefits from?  


 But Emmanuel ignores my effort for now:


I will send you mails, if you pay. After this we can do a deal.  


But dude...this deal has a closing window, and depending on your size, it's closing fast!  


You pay me for the emails and then we talks.  I cannot finds this corporate listed. 


Bonco UnInc?  Hell, it's INTERNATIONALLY KNOWN!  Whaddaya mean you can't find it listed? 


are you do a deal for email addresses or not?  Send money to my paypal and then we talk. 


I persist; he persists.  Finally I relent and ask him to refresh my memory on where to send the money.  After sending me one email address to use for his paypal account, he follows it immediately with another:

**The last message was a mistake, please use this one**

emailsalelists@gmail.com  is my PayPal please pay the sum OF 15GBP or 25 USD.  


Okay, got it.  I'll email you with confirmation that it's sent, and then you can tell me which Bonco product you want to sign on with.  


After three days pass, Emmanuel gets antsy:


Sir Will you be purchasing our product?  


Of course.  I am busy with start ups and roll outs of the Bonco product lines.  I will email you the instant I have made the payment.  


Now it's time to see how long I can play the "oh whoops" game with him.  A couple more days, and I finally send him this:


The fee for the emails has been paid to your playpen account.  When can I expect my emails?  


What pay?  I go there and find no money from you?  


Really?  I sent it as you directed. 


You send it to email address I give you?  *and he repeats the address above*


Yes, I sent it to emailfaillists@gmail.com, just like you said.  


that not address I send you!  I send you emailsalelists@gmail.com! 


Son of a broom rider....so you did.  Lemme see if I can get my payment back from where I sent it.  


A day passes and...


What is going on?  I must hear from you soonest.  


Okay...playmate was able to retrieve my funds from the wrong email address, so now they're sent to the right email address.

 

 

Are you jesting me or stupid?  No money is in my account.  And what is playmate?  This is serious business.  

 

 

No jest.  I sent it like you said, to emailsnaillists@gmail.com.  25 USD.  I have the online receipt from platypus to prove it.

 

 

you are jerking me.  that is not address I tell you. 

 

 

Would you KINDLY quit jerking ME, and quit changing the address you want me to use for pigpen? 

 

 

At this point, Emmanuel decides he's not getting his 25 USD:

 

 

F**k you and stop email me.  You are jackass. 

 

 

Not true, Emmanuel...I'm registered unaffiliated.  But your uncompromising words tell me that you'll be missing out on the greatest online marketing campaign since the nobamacare website imploded. 

 

 

Which apparently, Emmanuel doesn't care about.  He doesn't want to be jerked no more.

 

He hadn't better trying logging into the nobama(doesn't)care site then, either....

Mayan Calendar Conundrums

We've all been hearing about it. And now it's here: 2012. The 'End' of the Mayan Calendar. And what some are choosing to prophesize as "End Times".

Y2K was supposed to herald in 'end times'. So were two days in 2011, courtesy of the koolaid drinker, Rev. Harold Camping, mathematician emeritless.

The original Mayan Calendar -- I believe represented to the right h'yar -- was the creation of that celebrated Mayan astronomer and calendarer Balaj Chan K'hallmark. He would later design the first Chinese astrology placemats for restaurants, centuries before anyone knew he had. But I digress.

K'hallmark took a plethora of things into consideration (seasons, astronomy, human life span, events, weather, painful rectal itch, and some really good hallucinagens), and then designed this calendar that no one could read, but thought looked 'purdy', back in 3114 BC (Before Calendars). According to researchers, the calendar is meant to run 5126 years, more or less.

Which brings us to it ending in 2012. Some learned pundits insist that it ends on 12-21-12. Others believe they've found a Harold-Camping-mathematical-error in the calculations, and actually believe it will expire on or about 2-12-13.

If true in the case of the latter, this will save a lot of guys who were about to screw up with their Valentine's Day gift choices.

Meantime, we are confronted with the apparent fact that we have a Mayan calendar that apparently expires 10 days before 2012 does.

I happened to mention this to one of my ever-inquisitive researchers over at Bonco, UnInc., the place that creates abominations like the AB-Dominationizer and Phfffft Asure, and the subsequent *TOING* made me immediately regret it.

Bonco, UnInc., is in the process of designing and releasing a new calendar that will 'fix' the loss of ten days* from 2012, by simply adding them to 2011.

They call it Simplicity gone Chronological by Bonco. I call it Bonco gone la-la.

While they last**, Bonco will have in stock amended 2011 Calendars. When the stroke of midnight is struck on December 31, 2011...it will simply become December 32, 2011. The big ball in NYC's Time Square will now not fall until the stroke of midnight that closes out December 41, 2011.

And yes, Bonco realized that this is going to f*** with a wealth of computer-run software and systems that are currently geared to the standard Gregorian calendars. So they have designed*** a 'patch' for said systems, which they say should be ready in time****.

So worry not: thanks to Bonco*****, 2011 is extended for the 10 days that 2012 was screwed out of by a Mayan with a penchant for making calendars while high.

Of course, there are those who buy into none of the Mayan Calendar prophesies, and are sure that life will go on, whether it be 12-22-12, or 2-13-13.

What does my pet rock, Seymour, say? "Phfffft. Just cover your bases, and celebrate Christmas early".

* using a chronological formula that didn't work for making cheese fries or curing ham that was already dead. But Bonco will keep trying until they find some use that works

** The printers are still LTAO at the idea, so they ain't been printed yet

*** The Bonco software engineer did suggest that due to inadequate testing of the 'patch', certain cyber 'anomalies' may result from applying the 'patch' to your cyber device, to include horrific cyber gas, or turning your Ipad into a carnivorous tampon which has eyes for small pets

**** The same guys that got lost with the Bonco Time Accelerator-Decelerator during the testing phase, are allegedly working on this project. So it may already have been done 5,000 years ago....or in 2912 AD. No one knows for sure. Does anybody know what time it is? Does anyone really care?

***** DISCLAIMER: Bonco, UnInc., asserts plausible deniability for any time warping, fruitcaking, ipod morphing, or attacks by carnivorous tampons, that may or may not be able to be associated to the 2012 Mayan Calendar 'patch' designed by Bonco engineers during their last seanance with Balaj Chan K'hallmark, at a frat party on the CU Boulder campus. Your results may vary from even weirder, to it just flat not working. In the case of the former, write and tell us about it if you live. In the case of the latter, simply return the unused portion to Bonco, UnInc, for a full "WTF shrug" from the US Postal Service, who has no idea what our address is. Bonco, UnInc, is a for profit corporation that's still trying to make one, and that's why Occupy Outhouses hasn't shown up to picket us yet..besides, they can't find us either.

Finally, It's About Time (To End) Bonco Products

*The 7th of 3 Christmas shopping ideers from the labs and retrievers of Bonco, UnInc, in time to make a mess of your holiday gift shopping list*

Time is an issue unto itself. Time travel, a whole nother ball game. One that my friends at Bonco, UnInc., should never have taken me seriously about.

It all started when I closely examined my regular commute to work: by bus, an average of 90 minutes, each way. If I drove -- more expensive -- it was 45 minutes each way. Then, of course, there was the shift itself. A busy shift, eh...time flew. A slow shift...time was a weight upon the soul of the clock-watching man/woman.

So what if...just what if...a device could be created to accelerate and decelerate time, according to the needs of the person?

Yeah, I know....my pet rock, Seymour, just gave me a *that's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard in the last five minutes from you* look. He patiently explains to me that time is what it is, and to mess with time is to play with space-time-continuum fire. When I ask how is that, he goes back to watching The Outer Limits, and hiding under the loveseat.

Then, I reckon I goofed by discussing the idea with my friends at Bonco, UnInc....a really bad *TOING* and months later, they tell me they have designed a prototype device to do all I came up with, and more. They call it.....Bonco's All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device.

This has all the sound of another bad AlGore scam to it.

According to the theories* espoused in the technical hypotenuse (Seymour, that's what they called it...stop pointing & laughing at me), this highly-technical-yet-user-friendly device will allow the user to, after logging in various and sundry biorythems and other bodily information**, set parameters for time acceleration and deceleration, according to the needs/desires of the user.

For example: your work day -- from commute there to commute home -- is, say, 14 hours. Set the accelerator on the AATA/D&TD, and wha la, your work day passes at 6 times the normal for the average human. SIX TIMES!*** And when you arrive home, set the auto-reverse feature on the AATA/D&TD, and wha la, your leisure time goes by at one-sixth the normal time for a poor sot not equipped with Bonco's time wonder. ONE-SIXTH!****

Just imagine: your leisure weekends can now seem longer***** than your work week to get there! And imagine vacations! And all, at the touch of a few****** buttons on Bonco's wonder device, the All About Time Accelerator/Decelerator & Travel Device, by Bonco.

You noted the '& Travel Device' at the end...this was a special touch******* added by the innovative scientists in the R&D section at Bonco. They had a notion to add in a time travel feature, so that the proud owner and user of the Bonco AATA/D&TD could go back or forward in Time, using various and sundry calculations garnered from various time/space experiments********, and allow the lucky few********* to own and operate the AATA/D&TD, and view history (or the future) as it actually happened, without being able to interfere with it**********.

And all for the very reasonable price of $1,999,999.95 (this was said with a straight face, I might add). I reckon the marketers at Bonco reckon some folks can print money as readily as the government is now.

Unfortunately, there is one wee little glitch in taking the AATA/D&TD from testing and refining into production and distribution: the test team that took the AATA/D&TD out for a "spin", hasn't been seen, since. It isn't known if they went backward or forward.

I was, uh...asked to inquire amongst you readers out there...have, uh, any of you seen a funny-looking "flying platform", with three white-coated, hysterically-screaming technicians, go flashing through your or your kin's past or recent present? Or if you see them tomorrow, next year, or sometime in the future when you still remember having read this...would you please tell them (a) to return the device to September 1, 2009, and (b) they're fired.

* a mix of theories collected from The Time Tunnel, Quantum Leap, Lost in Space, Star Trek (TOS and IV), Back to/from The Future, and Einstein's discarded theory of Relatives From Hell overstaying on Holidays.

** including for reasons unrevealed but probably revealing in and of themselves, your belch/flatulence frequency and propensity, which I was told can cause tears and ripples in the space/time continuum elevator

*** in the as yet undrafted Disclaimer, there IS a warning about operating at six times the normal speed, and how something as simple as a cut can cause the person to..er.."ignite" or something like that...

**** in that same undrafted Disclaimer, it is recommended that you stay out of places where vehicles are running 6 times faster than you can...just a bit of an inconvenience

***** especially if your wife is big on "honey-do" lists...

****** it's really only a few, after you've made the primary instrumentation calibration and necessary 97,869 inputs and calculations into the on-board computer and collision-avoidance travel system, which I'm told by Bonco is as easy to learn as calculus without a calculator or scratch pad

******* which can't be rated on how well it's working until the prototype returns from wherever it went...

******** see the first *

********* pricey? Eh...what's a couple million against being able to watch some rich liberal tree huggers go back to prehistoric times, and get eaten by a triciploplotz? Good entertainment is, after all, worth the price of admission...

********** an assumption still under review, and will be until the prototype team returns...if ever...