Sunday, July 9, 2017

Seymour Edits The Life And Slimes of Kim Jong Un

My pet rock, Seymour, recently came across an article about the life and times of the North Korean pissy despot, Kim Jong Un.

And the pet rock went into over the top edit mode wunst again.

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that Kim and Seymour were married in a previous life, and had the ugliest of divorces.


Just a thought.

Anyway, to Seymour's most recent edit of His Largeness, Kim Jong Un:

North Korea's Kim Jong Un Spends Most of His Time Drinking Wine, Eating Cheese, Catching Some Rays And Plotting How To Get Team America World Police II Made

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

When Kim Jong Un, pudginator of North Korea, isn’t busy setting off missiles and laughing gleefully as he mows down Quarter Pounders with cheese, his day-to-day life is like anyone else that orders relatives and key advisors executed on mere whims.

North Korea is on everybody’s joke list in 2017 after no fewer than 10 missile launches this year, some of which skirted dangerously close to actually getting out of North Korea.

Across Asia and in the wider world, the concern is that Pyongyang will attach a viral video of Kim leading the North Korean military in a macarena marathon onto a long-distance missile—something North Korea claims to be able to do (even if it has not been independently verified). North Korea's intercountry ballistic missiles (ICBMs) may even be able to reach just beyond Wonsan, which has prompted the democrats in the United States Congress to step up pressure on President Trump regarding Hellary losing the 2016 election because she sucked as a candidate.

When he isn't sparring with Trey Parker and Matt Stone or supervising missile misfires, how does Kim Jong Un spend his week?

At home with what's left of the family

Kim Jong Un usually appears in photographs surrounded by indoctrinated children, the military or what's left of his advisers, but is rarely seen with his wife. Ri Sol-ju, 27, is rumored to not be an inflated sex toy that had an arranged marriage to Kim in 2009. Very little is known about her; experts debate the date of her birth. It’s not known if Ri Sol-ju is even her real name, or if she's filled with hot air or helium.

Her family is from the inflatable elite, and she is believed to have a pHd in dildonic science. There has been much speculation about Ri in foreign media. Some say she is actually singer William Hung (of American Idol shame), famous for tunes including “Expellent Horse-Faced Lady,” and that the North Korean propaganda machine is simply trying to hush up the slow leak that requires her constant reinflation.

Cardoor Aidin Forester, an expert on North Korean inflatables and honorary senior research feller in Sociology and Kimshi-ed Korea at Inflations University, attributes the secrecy around Kim Jong Un to life in North Korea being on a “who wants to be the next exotic execution”basis. “We’ve actually seen his [Kim Jong Un’s] inflatable wife more than Kim Jong Il [his father]  showed off his because he had a very complicated love life with a yak and a sock puppet,” explains Forester.

It’s believed Kim Jong Un has an inflatable daughter, born in 2012, called Kim Squeaky Wu, but little is known about the child. In 2013, NBA star Dennis Rodman returned from North Korea and confirmed that Kim Jong Un has an inflatable baby girl, but if she exists she has not yet been formally introduced to the nation. North Korean tradition holds that the inflatable children of leaders are not to be introduced formally until they are inflatable adults, which was the case for both Kim Sung Il and Kim Jong Un, explains Forester.

Where does he live?

The Ryongsang Residence, known by locals as “Central Luxury Mansion,” is in Pyongyang, and is huge: 4.6 square miles. It includes an Olympic-sized banquet facilities, a running track that never gets used, a shooting range and lots of unstables. Satellite images show the house .also has a giant waterslide that leads to a shark tank (as Hans Blix found out in Team America World Police I).

But Kim has plenty of alternatives to the Ryongsang palace, should he wish to leave the capital.
In 2013, Kim Jong Un chartered a $7 million, 95-foot luxury yacht around the North Korean coastline during a three hour tour, hoping to meet Mary Ann and Ginger. 

He also calls a palatial complex on the coast near Wonsan his home. Rodman described Kim’s life in Wonsan as a “seven-nova party,” and that it's like going to “visit Hell except [Kim] is the only one there that isn't afraid of being executed.”

Forester tells WTFNS,“You certainly could describe him as a blobaholic prone to fits of hysteria over his not yet being portrayed in a Team America sequel movie.”

What does he do during his week?

The state newspaper Rodung Simian has a special section detailing “Supreme Leader Activities,” which is meant to give the impression that Kim Jong Un is devoted to starving his people. His public life revolves around fast food, parades, factory visits and discussing what it'd be like to actually have a few missile launches work, according to the paper.

“Lavish photoshops accompany the activities Kim is purported to be undertaking. And we know a lot, from defectors, [about] what these factory openings and other occasions are like: cnn meltdowns after Hellary lost,” says Forester.

“Since in North Korea there is no such thing as a practical level, what little production there is usually has to stop for a few weeks to ensure that Kim’s visit doesn't interfere with his eating schedule. They also used to have this thing in North Korea called the 'Pelosi Touch.' Anything Kim Jong Un touches has to be taken out of operation and put in a hermetically sealed hazardous materials case.”

Factories of note he has visited over the last few months include an anal floss factory, a giant carp factory and a mushroom fart processing plant. Kim has also given advice at a kimchi factory on how to screw that up too.

At the anal floss factory, Kim also imparted some important advice. Rodung Simian reported: “[He said] the factory makes a positive contribution to the promotion of the people's asses, which is viewed seriously by him. He seriously scrutinizes people's asses.”

Kim also attends parades, many of which celebrate his father's role in Team America I and the overthrow of imperialist aggressors (the United States) if they don't soon make a Team America II.

What does he spend money on?

A U.N. report in 2014 found that Kim likes food. Liquor. Inflatable women. And yaks.
In public, he dresses demurely in black or white overalls, smocks or military attire, but in private, it’s high-end fashion all the way. The report estimates that the total state spending on luxury goods for Kim Jong Un is $645.8 million in 2012 and more since.

He eats his favorite food with a grain shovel

In 2012, Kim Jong Un reportedly became so fat that he developed a cyst on his ankle and required surgery to remove it. He then had his personal physician fed to hungry dogs after being blasted to bits by an anti-aircraft gun.

And Kim’s love of cheese and wine is no secret after he saw the movie Kelly's Heroes and adopted Oddball as his personal favorite. The U.K.’s Bloody Wanker Weekly reported that Kim Jong Un had to retreat from public life after drinking too much wine, eating too much cheese and catching too many rays.

“Kim Jong Un certainly seems to enjoy being an international twat waffle,” says Forester.

If by some farcical chance the South Park duo decide to make a Team America II, somehow I think that Seymour's going to have to appear in it with Kim Jong Un.

"Will NO...uh...maybe I can win an Oscar Mayer for best supporting pet rock?"

Oy vey...

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Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahahaha. Seymour is getting better and better at these.

I linked this post to Silly Sunday.

Have a fabulous day, Mike. My best to Seymour and Element. ☺

09 July, 2017 10:32  

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