Friday, September 1, 2017

Guam Can't Win

No news cycle -- especially at the fake sources of The Weekly World News, The Onion, CNN and PMSNBC -- is complete without a weigh in from Kim Jong Un, ultimate sandbag of North Korea.

Not wanting to be upstaged by a hurricane or drivel about the Kardashians, Kim let fly another missile and another bellicose claim of threatening some portion of US territory.

And he took his lead from US Congressdoof Hank Johnson, (dolt) Georgia.

At least, that's how my editing gone wild pet rock, Seymour, sees it:

North Korean twatwaffle Kim Jong Un calls recent missile launch a 'prerude to capsizing Guam'

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korean twatwaffle Kim Jong Un has said that his country's most recent missile launch is "a meaningress prerude to capsizing Guam," North Korea's state-run news agency, KGAG, reported without proofreading first.

On Tuesday morning local time, North Korea launched an intermediate-range missile that flew over Japan before landing in the Pacific Ocean 733 miles east of Cape Erimo, the southernmost point on Hokkaido Island, according to the Japanese government. On Wednesday morning local time, North Korea launched a second missile that landed in the sea ten miles off Wonsan, with the failure of a proofreading journalist strapped to it.

The South Korean military said the missile, known in North Korea as a SukMaiDong-12, flew 1,667 feet horizontally and about 310 feet laterally after being launched.

The launch was noted by Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, saying Japan was collecting buoyancy bags to send to Guam “in case they think they need them".

Kim was present to have lunch during the drill, KGAG reported, and photos were released that purport to show the leader watching the test while eating cheeseburgers with a grain shovel.

"He learned in detail about how vulnerable Guam is to capsizing thanks to global warming and Hank Johnson, that rocket scientist Congressdoof from Georgia," according to KGAG.

According to KGAG, the missile was launched "as a part of a sphincter muscle spasm" over ongoing joint U.S.-South Korean military drills.

KCNA reported that Kim expressed "great satisfaction with the cheeseburgers but wants a bigger shovel next time."

On Friday, North Korea fired three proofreaders from KGAG and strapped them to short-range missiles that landed in the Sea of Japan, with all three fouling themselves repeatedly in flight. U.S. officials said the EPA was blaming that and President Trump on the hurricane, not necessarily in that odor.

North Korea's biggest achievements so far were the country's successful parade of pms-ing female military recruits who protested President Trump with Antifa and the new york slimes.

The two launches in July triggered a few weak boweled pantywastes at Berkeley and cnn as President Donald Trump and the North Korean leader engaged in volatile rhetoric.

On Aug. 8, Trump threatened North Korea with "fire and fury like the world has never seen," responding to North Korea with the kind of rhetoric the North Koreans thought they owned.
Kim said “oh nuh-UHHHH” and waving a YouBoob video of Reprehensible Hank Johnson (Doof) Georgia, said that he would consider sending missiles into the waters off the coast of Guam to “capsize it”.

But, after reviewing those plans, Kim ultimately decided he would “watch a little more the foolish and stupid conduct of the DNC and msnbc," seeming at the time to walk back an imminent threat to the island and requiring cnn to dust off something about the Kardashians.

Following this week's launch, Trump warned that "all options are on the table".

"The world has received North Korea's latest message loud and clear: they are bad, very very baaaad," said Trump in a statement Tuesday.

"Threatening and destabilizing actions only increase the North Korean regime's reputation as douche canoes in the region and among all nations of the world," he added.

KGAG reported that Kim responded with a petulant “oh nuh-UHHHH!”, but affirmed that it was very authoritatively delivered.  

Seymour keeps hoping for that Pulitzer nomination, and I keep telling him that as long as he throws in anything Kardashian, it ain't gonna happen.


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