Friday, January 12, 2018

A Tale of Two Buttons

In a couple of recent online articles, Russia's Vladimir "Rootin' Tootin'" Putin speculated that in the verbal exchange between North Korean pudgepot Kim Jong Un and American POTUS Donald Trump over whose got the best button, Un won the skirmish.

Righhhhhhhhht.

And Hellary Clinton is president.




My pet rock, Seymour -- never one to miss an opportunity to tweak the North Korean leader of dubious antecedence -- felt that it was once again time for a little creative editing in the wake of ol' Vlad's drivel.


Anonymous Sources In North Korea Tell of Anti-aircraft Gun Ammo Shortages Due In Part To Buttons

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

January 11, 2018


Anonymous sources in North Korea – outside of government, as there can be no others – report that the North Korean Air Defense Command (OHPHUK) reported to government officials a severe shortage of anti-aircraft weapons ammunition of all calibers recently after a military readiness exercise revealed no readiness whatsoever when none of the guns were able to fire on towed targets.

South Korea’s spy agency unveiled what they believe to be the reason: executions by anti-aircraft gun have become SOP for the Imperious Leader, Kim Jong Un, exhausting the supply. 
 
And the tempo of executions is being stepped up in the wake of Kim Jong Un's rage over finding out that his nuclear button isn't bigger than American president Donald Trump's, let alone the fact that President Trump's button works.

Kim Jong Un wants President Trump's button...

Kim pulled out the anti-aircraft gun for the execution of five senior officials, charged with submitting false progress reports on the status of Kim Jong Un's desk mounted nuclear button, according to South Korea’s National Intelligence Service (NIS).

North Korea anonymous sources say that after hearing what he considered to be a vainglorious boast by President Trump, Kim Jong Un rushed back to his desk to test his button, only to find that it didn't work.


Only one missile launched, and all it did was take out a fertilizer factory outside of Wonsan.

Afterward, as Kim Jong Un sat at his desk, morosely and repeatedly pushing his “useress button”, he ordered the executions of the five men responsible for the over optimistic report. This was in addition to the 2,000 persons of various positions and roles throughout the country that Kim Jong Un demanded be executed via the guns in the weeks previous.

“I have a quota to keep” Un was heard to mutter as he continued morosely depressing his “useress button”.


The false data provided by the officials is in response to the state of “enraged” they face when reporting truth and accuracy to the young despot Kim Jong-un. “They simply can't win” said a source with South Korea's NIS.

The NIS did not reveal how it obtained information regarding the most recent executions other than by the noise coming from well inside the so-called 'demilitarized zone' north of the 38th Parallel. As inside information about the internal affairs of the reclusive North Korean state is hard to come by, the accuracy of such reports is usually supplemented by the sound of anti-aircraft gun fire to a certain -- okay, a large -- extent.

Kim Jong Un reportedly has an affinity for killing people with anti-aircraft guns, since his demand for the high energy plasma weapon used in an old Star Trek episode (TOS) by Romulans has not yet been made available by North Korean scientists.


Experiments with his other idea -- a ramped up Salad Shooter -- was a "totar frop", costing North Korea more weapons scientists.



Since he took power in 2011, Kim Jong-un is suspected to have executed at least 300,000 people, among which are around 140 senior officials, in an attempt to secure his grip on unreality.

While Kim has a certain love for the anti-aircraft gun, North Korea has many execution methods. Some people have been sat on by a 500 pound Korean dressed to look like Hellary Clinton, and others have been executed by being put in a secure room 24/7 and forced to listen to William Shatner sing. Former Vice Minister of the Army Kim Chol and former Deputy Defense Minister Kim Yong Chun were obliterated by being forced to watch The View. Former Deputy Minister of Public Security O Sang-hon was forced to receive tweets from Nancy Pelosi until he turned an anti-aircraft gun on himself.

Seymour is absolutely no closer to a Pulitzer, but he might get a cameo in Team America World Police II, if it's ever made.


"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Danged if that didn't sound just like a North Korean anti-aircraft gun...

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

We live in some really weird times don't we? Yes we don and there are so many idiots running around it's hard to keep up.

Have a fabulous day and weekend, Mike. My best to Seymour and Element. ☺

12 January, 2018 08:31  

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