Blessed Be The Scammed

Not all nuns are alike.  While all have habits, not all have armaments.

Sister Elizabeth Sinbi -- aptly named as you'll see -- chooses the weapon of tugging at heart strings.

Witness now her email, and imagine it to the tune of the sad violin solo from Young Frankenstein: 


Greetings From Sister Elizabeth  Sinbi,

With Due Respect And Humanity, I was compelled to write to you under a humanitarian ground.

My name is Mrs Elizabeth Sinbi, I  married to Mr.Isaac Sinbi who work with Petroci.We were married for 36 years without a child. My late Husband died after a Cadiac Arteries Operation. Recently am sick And My Doctor told me that I will not last for the next six months due to my cancer problem (cancer of the lever and stroke).

Before my husband died he deposited the sum  $2.5 Million Us Dollars in the the security Company. Presently this money is still in the Vault of the Company.Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to any God fearing person that will utilize this fund the way I am going to instruct herein.

I want somebody that will use this fund according to the desire of my late.husband to help Lessprivilaged peoples, orphanages,widows and propagating the word of God.I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this fund, And I don’t want in away where this money will be used in an unGodly ways.This is why I am taking this decision to donate this Fund for the helping of the needies in the society.

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going.I want you to always remember me in your daily prayers because of my up coming Cancer Surgery Operation.Write back as soon as possible any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose, Hoping to read from you asap.

God bless you as you listing to the voice of reasoning. I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your reply .

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Your's Sister In the Lord
Sister Elizabeth Sinbi.   


Finding the (not so) good Sister to be a bit bland with a very cyber road worn scam template, I chose something a bit less habit forming *ducking boos and throwd confessionals*:

Greetings From The Late Sister Elizabeth  Sinbi,

With Due Respect And Humanity, I was compelled to write to you under a humanitarian ground.  So I am writing to you from underneath a cemetery in Georgetown.

My name is the late Sister Mrs Elizabeth Sinbi.  Before I became late and a sister, I married Herr Glockenspiel Vienerschnitzel, who work with Petroci Edible Feces Company in Washington, DC.  We rented office space in the Democrap National Committee building because they were every bit as good at creating feces as we were.  We just weren't able to make their sh** edible no matter what we did to it.  Take obolascare for example...no one can digest that sh**. 

Anyway, we were married for 36 years without a child because before we got married, I was a transgendered manatee named Wet Willie. My late Husband died after a Cadiac Arrest when he find that out.  Then I become sister in the Hash'n'beans Order of Sisters Of the Holy Cow, of which Nancy Pelosi is an excommunicated member for trying to botox her genitals. 

Then My Doctor told me that I will not last long for due to my cancer problem, both cancer of my liberal ideology and cancer of the lever and stroke.  Ever had cancer of the lever, let alone stroke?  Man, it suck worse than Bill Clinton on a vaginally humidored cigar.

Before my husband died he suffered from genital cramps of the earwax canal.  He made it into a record book for that and was going to do the Renaissance Summer Tour with Puke 'n Snot before he died.  We figured he might make the sum  $2.50 in West African francs. Presently this money is still in the Vault with him, because he insisted he take it with him.  I write him a check and slip it in his coffin.

I such a Sheila Jackson Lee. 

I want somebody that will use this fund according to the desire of a drug crazed UCLA student who drummed with me in a Occupy Nothing Useful campsite in 2012.  I don't know how many burkahs $2.50 in West African francs will buy, but if it saves only one hamster, isn't it worth it?  This is why I am taking this decision to donate this Fund for the helping of the useless, the nuns and organs in the society.

I am not afraid of farts in elevators, hence I know where I am going, give or take a floor.  I want you to always remember me in your daily bowel movements as the sick broad what wrote you from underneath a cemetery in Georgetown.  You listing to the voice of reasoning?  Good.  Let me know who that voice is please. Hoping to receive your reply .

Remain blessed in the toilet through which progressives get their ideas.
Late Sister Elizabeth Sinbi.  

 

 

As might be expected, I received nun reply from the late Sister....

 

 

If At First They Don't Read It

Edit, edit again.

The online loan scamstress Clara Smith shoulda, coulda and woulda, but she was too busy drying out her knickers after wetting herself in abject joy that my character responded to her email.

She just didn't pay attention to how my character responded, even though she said the email was "well noted and understood".

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Here was the very beginning of her opening ploy:


Hello,
         We are Christian Organization formed to help people in needs
of  helps,such as financial help.  


The *TOING* reverberated around the neighborhood.


Thus, a quick edit in reply:

Hello,

We are cross between an atheist and Jehovah Witness organization,

which means we'll knock on your door for no reason.  We were formed

to help people in needs of understanding why we knock on their door

for no reason, being our mix of atheist/JW.  Frankly, it puzzles us too.

So if you are going through some kind of personal crisis in your

life, and we knock on your door, why even bothering to answer

it.  Only a cosmic muffin named Harold might hold the answer;

that's from the JW side when we say Harold be thy name.  We

really don't know that He's Harold, and our atheist side is

forever saying "Harold Who?"  Are you are finding it hard to
obtain understanding of why we sent you this email?  Some of

our cornfused congregation wonder that too.  But we'll be more

than unsure why when you contact us today via email
mrsclarasmithloanfiirm@gmail.com  for the JW bible says nothing;

you have to read it.  And the atheist bible says less, 'cuz they ain't

gots one.  They reckon it simplifies things as opposed to having

The Book of Nothing.

Now, someone named Matthew Mark Luke 'n Duck said in

Chapter 11:10, "now is the time for all good cuckoo clocks to

have their cuckoos fly south for the winter; he who seeks is

looking, and to him who knocks, he needs higher octane"

So do not let these phrases suggest to you that anyone who

eats creamed beets dies; that's simply nature doing it's normal

thing, since beets are by all accounts disgusting when creamed.

By any other name, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever
more on the JW side, while the atheists mispronounce his name

when ordering tacos.

Please these is for vacuous minded and Coke bottle fearing People.

Now we ask you to offer up some stats about you so that we may

know whether you is or you ain't and which side of our org you is

or ain't inclining toward:

Your Name:
Your SEX;
What You Last Had Sex With;
If Atheist, When Having Sex Do You Say "Oh Nobody!" over and over again:

Country You Had Sex With:
Loan Amount You Had Sex With:
Loan Duration Of The Sex You Had Widdit:
PURPOSE OF LOAN SEX;
Valid Cell Phone Number (if you answered all the other questions, we definitely want speaks with you):

Thanks for your understanding to your contact as we Await

Regards
Management
E-mail :mrsclarasmithloanfiirm@gmail.com

 

 

What response did this edit draw?  A stupid one, of course:

 

 

I  received your mail that you are interested in getting a loan from
us and  content there in is well noted and understood (LMAO!!!).

I am Mrs Clara Smith,A financier loan lender" the Managing director of
Loan Solution,i am willing to lend out loans with the interest rate of
3%, We offer loans to commercial and private bodies ranging from
$5,000 to the maximum of $8,000,000 within the periods of 1 to 25
years, We offer loan at low interest rate and with no credit check, we
offer Personal loans, debt consolidation loans, venture capital,
business loans, education loans, home loans or "loans for any
reason!However, Our method, offers you the chance to state the amount
of loan needed and also the duration you can afford, We are well
certified and registered, Our loans are well insured for  maximum
security which  is our great priority,

We do use the bank transfer in sending loans to our various clients
and it will take the maximum period of 12 working HOURS and you are
well guaranteed of getting funded, If you are interested, kindly fill
out the Borrower's Loan Application and send it back to us for further
process.

Borrower Information (Required information fields appear in bold).
Full Name(s):
Age:
Street Address:
Country:
Contact Number:
Loan Amount Requested:
Loan Purpose:
Loan Duration:
Employment Status:

We hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Truly,
Mrs Clara Smith

 

So we'll see how well she reads the requested information returned:

 

Borrower Information (Required information fields appear in bold).
Full Name(s):       Frank Unsteen IV
Age:                      Locked In At 67 in Perpetuity
Street Address:     4334 Whittier Blvd  Los Angeles CA 90023
Country:               No, it's in town
Contact Number:  323-261-2725
Bone Amount Requested:   Full Skeletal Frame
Bone Purpose:  So I can walk again
Bone Duration:  In perpetuity...whaddaya think I'd just want 'em for the weekend?
Employment Status:   Planned to be after re-boned

 

 

It became apparent that Clara -- or someone there with a better grasp of "well noted and understood" -- did a better job of reading the next response, on accounta cuz my character got this:

 

 

u cannot be seriously?  we are serious loan firm please.  

 

 

But of course you are.  And I am serious about my loan of bones request.  Impress me with your flexibility so as to help me regain mine.  The world watches, waits and decides.  Will you measure up, or just join the graveyard of online loan firms what couldn't git 'er done?  

 

 

Alas, Clara Smith joins 99.99% of the online loan scam world in abject FAIL.  I'm sure this causes her to have a bone to pick with my character.  I suggest she try this:

 

Yahoo News' Katie Perky Couric didn't seem impressed:

 

 

He whose bones scambait away,

lives to bone another day....

 

 

 

 

 

Ha

A 'puter problem fixed, just in time for anuddah edit by the ostentatious pet rock, Seymour.

"Am NOT!!!"

Do you even KNOW what ostentatious means?

"Uh...it means I'm from Austin?"

*Sigh*

Seymour did much better with an edit of a rather boring state agency news email.  Take a gander:

You are subscribed to some boring periodical that highlights the academic accomplishments of Tupperware.  This will be more fun, albeit strange.

Mischievous Animal(s) Amending Wildlife Zone & Other Signs

12/19/2014 04:03 PM MST

STATEWIDE which is fixable with diet and girdles- House Bill 1-1-1-119911 directed whoever in the state is in charge of such investigations, to start one.  It seems that road signs are getting amended along state highways and other places.

And reports have it that a mischievous animal or animals are involved. 

Originally, the state established that anywhere animals frequented heavily traveled thoroughfares and unfares, that they be equipped with airbags.  This led to the unintended consequence of animals activating their airbags with a distinctive loud flatulence sound, causing stampedes from crowded elevators. 

It is suspected that the rare but very “doesn’t play well with others” Western Barking Spider (Arachnis Flatus Whoa Dude) is responsible, but not for the signs issue.

Video surveillance snippets along with sparse eye witless accounts suggest that an organized gang of some kind of hard to find animal(s) are amending signs along road sides, intersections, off of bridges and overpasses and on some landmark buildings.  One airplane towed sign was allegedly graffiti-ed shortly after the pilot made a wide turn to the west of Denver.  “Ah haid it thar when ah went ta turn aroun’, an’ then th’ dadgummed thang sayed sumpin else than wha’ it sayed afore” reported the pilot to Department of Marijuana Enforcement officials, only to then remind him that he drove a Yugo for Dominos Pizza, before turning him over to a half dozen folks that wanted words with him over where their orders went last weekend.

State wildlife officials were nonplused to learn that the state School of Mines was now The Institoot Of Phffft Smellers, and that signs on I-70 now warn motorists to “Lookout For Mountain – Exit B4 2Late”. 

“We think we have a moose out there that’s learned how to attach a Sharpie to its antlers and has a knack for almost legible graffiti” says a source close to a medical marijuana facility in South Park.  It is suspected that this moose spends too much time close to pot dispensaries in the Gilpin and Boulder County areas, where wildlife post-high crashes after prolonged exposure and insufficient munchies are prominent.

Hide message history

A spokesperson for the state Department of Statistics says that there are studies to back up this up, but none have OSHA persondated alarms attached, so backing them up is verboten except where verboten is not understood.  Then it’s just lookensee outen.

As part of the legislation, sponsored by a runaway truck ramp that established a home for runaway trucks, the state was required to prepare a report with a side of fries and mustard on it.  No one knows why, but the addition of a pickle helped.

Per the bill, the report contained the following data and information (you used ta be able to see link to report, below, but it fah down go phfft):

·         the location of each sign that had been allegedly pillaged by wildlife;

·         the total number of public highway signs miles that have been edited, causing confusion for tourists from Liechtenstein;

·         the total number and identification of wildlife observed carrying Sharpies on their antlers;

·         the effect, if any, that the wildlife show if spending too much time sniffing the Sharpies, and the frequency of wildlife accidentally wetting themselves in a public area; and

·         a recommendation to ban sales of Sharpies to wildlife via legislative bill 1.1.1-WTHIT* to be taken up by the UN General Assembly should it ever convene in Toledo.

“There were many variations among these data, however, when we looked at each individual Wildlife Zone,” Traffic & Saxophone Rebusher Pane Zynx said. “Those with manatee vs platypus vs triciploplotz vs jackelopes saw increased collisions during rut and re-enactments of Monday Night Football, causing loss of down with penalties and interest during nighttime hours.”

“We did show an increase in spelling errors on the amended signs when cable TV has The Gong Show marathons on over the past two years,” reported Nielsen ratings during an MSNBC telethon for post nasal drip.

The state’s wildlife psychologist also weighed in on the data review without realizing it.

“It was unclear if a wildlife that learns how to graffiti with a Sharpie had behavioral problems prior to leaving the herd, or if it is a learned response to watching too much of “Here Comes Honey Booboo” through some stoned homeowner’s window on their big screen TV.  What we do know is that showing said wildlife a package of jerky pisses them off and has cost me a half dozen researchers this past year,” reported the anonymous psychologist from a Witness Protection Program in a nearby state. “We needed two more seasons of The Gong Show re-runs to figure out non sequiturism and how it relates to dogs chasing cars and what the horsefeathers they’re going to do with it when they catch it, since they can’t drive.”

The psychologist is now on an extended rest sabbatical studying fruit bat pilates at a Holiday Inn in Newark, NJ.

The final data (subject to amendment if that moose and Sharpie show up here) suggests:

1.      The state doesn’t get a lot of confused tourists from Liechtenstein.

2.      The state has no amended or not signs written to be of any help to aliens from Uranus, should they happen by.

3.      The best performing art by wildlife came from an otter named Horace.  He painted a Prius that looks like a Ford Pinto.

4.      The worst performing art was by a Gennesse Mountain buffalo named Biff; he painted a CDOT truck to look like Kim Jong Un.

5.      North Korea now wants to hack Biff.

6.      For the fall season, there was an increase of 3% in what fell.

Our recommendation to the legislature was the following:

Cancel State “Save A Bug On The Windshield” Day.

The Department Of Meadow Muffin Reclamation has been turning down wildlife requests for more art supplies, and if the sign amending and other mischief doesn’t stop, the airbags that wildlife are pranking people with will be removed altogether.

PROJECT INFORMATION: The best way to stay up-to-date on avoiding emails like this is to put down the bottle and back slowly away.  You can also “like” us on Facebook, though most people don’t when they’re sober.

·         What The Hell Is This  

 

 

I'm betting the state agency might not be amused...but some of their readers will...

Code This

I'm sure that the group that did the '60s song "Western Union" never expected to continue to get brought up in 2015.  But when a scammer puts a pitch square over the plate in the strike zone, I am obliged to swing for the fences at it.

My pet rock just says it was "a swing and a MISS", but he's just jealous because he didn't get to do this edit.

"Am NOT!!!!  PHFFFFT!"

And that proves that you are, Seymour.  The "phffft" is always a giveaway.


Here's how it started:

Contact Western union Benin with Your full name,full Address and direct phone number for your fund $2.5usd, Contact name: Mr. Frank Onyechi, 

via (uwestern330@yahoo.fr) ; Phone: +229- 998-087-33 Sincerely,

Mrs. Jenneth Copeland  

 

 

So I -- or rather my character -- did:

 

 

Just where am I being transferred, and why wasn't I told before now?  

 

 

Like with so many other stupid scammers, it isn't WHAT you reply; it's that you replied, period:

 

 

Welcome to Western Union Money  Transfer

Send Money Worldwide

FROM DESK OF WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OFFICE.

FINANCIAL MINISTER OF FREDERAL REPUBLIC

OF BENIN FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE.

FAX NUMBER +229 99 808 733

Adresse :Rue du Gouverneur Bayol;Boxe postale :BP 1280 - Cotonou.

ATTENTION: Frank Unsteen,

We acknowledge the receipt of your mail, This fund was deposited under this western union department as a result of your over due contract payment according to the finance minister Mrs Jenneth Copeland. She further instructed that the sum of  $2.5M, should be transfer to you in the amount of  $5,000.00 daily basis until the transfer is completed. 

However, after going through your file and address , i was even trying to know if we can send you the first $5000 today, but unfortunately , i discovered that this your payment Transfer Permit File Code:-KGU9875/  is not yet activate of which you have to activate it before I can  proceed to access the file and transfer your first payment $5000 today, that is the little  problem i'm having with your transaction right now.... 

Therefore, i will like you to kindly send the activation fee of $175. usd if possible today so that first thing tomorrow Morning here i will rush to the DIRECTOR GENERAL WESTERN UNION office to activate your  Transfer Permit File Code:-KGU9875/ , so that your payment transfer will be effective and you start receiving your funds $5000 your transaction ok.. 

Finally, The fee could not be deduct from the fund $2.5M USD due to the engagement agreement of Insurance Company with the various Ministries which I have the certificate with me right here, and we were clearly warned not to tamper with your fund and no cent will be deduct from the payments for whatever reason, stating that it is a measure to safeguard the fund of the beneficiaries from embezzlement..

My promised to you is that we shall transfer your first payment of $5000 as soon i finished activate your payment (Transfer Permit File Code:-KGU9875/ ) from the Federal Ministry Of Finance today....The only thing you should do now is to go and send me the ($175.) so that i can meet up with Federal Ministry Of Finance today ok........

                                                                                                    

Just copy below information and go to western union with $175 to send it through western  union to the name of our protocol officer stated below:  

 

Here is the information on how you will send the $175.00 and the money will be send via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.

 

Receiver name /  Ikam Anthony

Country / Benin Republic Cotonou  

City/Address / Porto-Novo

Country/ Code/ 00229

Text Question / Bless?

Answer / Yes  

Amount / $175.00 usd

 

Remember to send the payment information such as MTCN# and the sender name as soon as you send the $175usd or you can call me with this number +229 99 808 733 so that i will have the information of the payment.

 

Your urgent respond is highly needed;

Once Again; You are welcome to western union worldwide payment department Benin Of West Africa.

Thanks For Your Understanding. 

Mr. Frank Onyechi

EMAIL (uwestern330@yahoo.fr)

TELEPHONE +229 99 808 733  

 

 

So "Frank" decided to subject "Frank" to an edit that perhaps might get his attention this time:

 

 

Welcome to Western Union

Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah, Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah

Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah, Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah...

Send Sh** Worldwide

FROM DESK OF FINANCIAL MINISTER OF FREDERAL REPUBLIC

Yes, we too have talking desks in our Ministry of Frederal Republic

OF BENIN FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE.

FAX NUMBER +229 99 808 733

Adresse :Rue du Gouverneur Bayol;Boxe postale :BP 1280 - Cotonou.

ATTENTION: 

On behalf of our talking desk, we wish to advice you that the Ministry of Frederal Republic of Benin is not a ministry dedicated solely to Freds; our desks represent Franks 'n Beans, too.  We acknowledge the receipt of mail from the finance minister Mrs Jenneth Copeland.  She has a desk that speaks for her too. 

As I walked out on the stre-ets of Benin...

as I walked out on the streets there one day,

I spied a lone desk there, all talking to itself

all talking to itself as bored as could be...

I see by your outline, that you're a talking desk..

it sees by my outline, I'm a talking desk too...

We see by our outlines, that we're talking desks..

if you get an outline you can be a talking desk too...

*Hint to readers:  if you sing those lyrics to the Streets of Laredo, Smothers Brothers style, it'll make some sense*

However, after going through your file and address , i was even trying to know if you have a talking desk there that we can communicate with?  Our talking desks would probably have better speaks with your talking desks, perhaps even conference calling each other in a manure sure we are thinking to expedite and ease the communicationals that only talking desks having speaks can.  but unfortunately , i discovered that it is reported that you don't not has a speaking desk, and this is most depressing to our talking desks, because in the international arena of talking desks, an ever-widening circle of talking desks is key to internationality and the brotherhood of drawers.  that is the little  problem i'm having with your transaction right now.... 

Therefore, i will like you to kindly locate if you will or can, a talking desk in your offices that is conversant in bochi, Azerbajani and Liechtensteinian-sprechen, so that our desks can laugh their asses off hearing languages they are not accustomed to.  A laughing talking desk is a happy furniture, to be sure.

Finally, once the talking deskage issue is arranged to the satisfaction of all ministries, names and desks, there is the little thing about the fee that is integral to this whole email that got lost in the drawers of the streets of Laredo and trying to make talking desks work in those lyrics.  The fee could not be deduct from a duck, so don't ask us to put the fee on its bill.  We know that one already.  Just so you know and appreciate this little factoid, the Ministry of Abners directed us to avoid any duck billage in the fee procedure, so that we'd have no abnermalities. 

I don't suppose you see what we just did there.  If you had a talking desk, it would have.

My promised to you is that I shall get a better spell check program for my talking desk, because some of my grampar here is not up to syntax error.  I will have to look into having this addressed by the Federal Ministry Of Floranance today....and no, it is not a combination of Flora and finance...but the talking desk over there is named Flora, in case you know a single male talking desk that wants her number.  She is rumored to give great hinge jobs.

                                                                                                    

Just copy below information and go to western union with the special morse code we put at the top of this email and when you repeat it back to them -- if they are under the age of 30 -- they will have no idea what that noise is you're making, and will probably have security throw you out.  So make sure your clerk is over 30 before you start dah-ditting.  And when you finish the song thing to their extreme thanks, give them this informations:  

 

Here is the information on how you will send whatever amount you feel is generous enough to keep our talking desks on speaking terms with other talking desks in other geogiraffical regions.

 

Receiver name /  The desk of Ikam Anthony

Country / the talking desk in the Ministry of Frederal Benin Republic Cotonou  

City/Address / Porto-Novo

Country/ Code/ 00229

Text Question / Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Desk drawer overnight?

Answer / F**king A Right it does, you ill-mannered asshat.    

Amount / whatever you feel like sending...we rely heavily on the generosity of talking desks

 

Remember to send the payment information such as MTCN# and the sender name as soon as you send whatever your generosity dictates or you can call me at  +229 99 808 733 so that my desk and your talking desk, if you come up with one, can shoot the sh** about the best oils for sliding drawers and hinge jobs.

 

Your urgent respond is highly needed;

Once Again; You are welcome to western union

dah dit dah dit dah, dah dit dah dit dah

dah dit dah dit dah, dah dit dah dit dah,

dit dah dit dah dit dah dit dah dit dah dit dah....*whew that's a lot of dit dah*

Thanks For Your Understanding on the talking desks, streets of Laredo, morse code and duck bills. 

Mr. Frank Onyechi

EMAIL (uwestern330@yahoo.fr)

TELEPHONE +229 99 808 733  

 

 

Mr. Frank Onyechi musta finally sat down and actually read the reply; his lack of one tells me he knows he isn't getting his money.  Or can't figure out the music to the Streets of Laredo...

A Scammer Put Out To Pastor

It sure beats me if the pastor that contacted me with one of the worst (de)composed scam emails for 2015 looks like this one or not; a scammer DID use this photo to represent hisself thus back in '09 or so.

Of course he could look like other possumbilities, but we'll get to that later.

Take a gander at what I referenced as being one of the worst written scam emails I've seen so far in 2015:


Gretings Dear

Compliments of the season May this Message meets you in good mood, I Strongly belive you are in good Health with your family members. am sure you must be surprise reading from me today

I will like to inform you the good news, the United Bank Of Africa,(UBA) On Tuesday  under knowledge of a friend of mine who is a senior staff with the bank contacted me explaining the availability of your fund in their custody.

If you can still remember the sum of amount $200,000.00 in the cheque which was issued to you by Mrs Joy Emma,but you could not receive it as there was a misunderstanding between our communication during when I was trying to deliver the cheque to you, now this fund bounce back to their office as a result that the cheque was not cashed by anybody.

This notification arrived my desk with the help of my banker friend who explained that the fund is about to become government funding which the central bank have ordered for the reactivation of every account and fund available in every bank in the country, their aim is to know if the formal head of state have any hiding account or among the dead people exist any huge amount then the country can benefit from such and use it for the rehabilitation source of the country economy.

Now according to the banker the cheque have expired but the fund there in is still valid and available but could only be delivered to you as ATM since they have stop all Bank transfer here because of the Audit Rihabilitation project. you wil recieve the ATM CARD and cash it in any ATM Mechine Bit by Bit or in the whole at your local Bank.

The atachment file enclose with this later is the copy of your ATM CARD for your prove, i went to pick it from the Bank for security reason.Since you are not here to go for the claim.

As am writen to you now i have it in my hand to send to you without delay to enablke you have acess to withdraw your money over there for safe reason, reconfirmed to me your current adress/Mobile telephone nomber.

immediately i hear from you with the informations i will send it across to you through DHL company for fast and safe delivery without delay.

Have a nice day

The Joy of the Lord is your Srenght

I expect to read back from you asap

Yours Sincerly
Rev.Pastor Frank Okoro.
DIRECT LINE.+22544489442

MAY THE GOOD LORD GRANT YOU GOOD HEALTH  


Yup...that's how it arrived.  Pastor Frank Okoro needs hep.

After some of his peers and associates see what I dun to his email, they'll like agree:

On Tuesday, February 10, 2015 4:24 AM, Pasture Frank <frank_okoro_pastor@yahoo.com> while picking up excess meadow muffins in his pasture wrote with no help from a Washington DC pubic sckrool smellpecker the follering:

Gretings Dear

Condiments of the seasonings!  May this Message meets you in good menstrual cycle which I hope you can ride.  I Strongly belive you are in good with the flying minkeys that escort the prince of dahkness when he visits a fast food restaurant and orders a side of your family members. 

I will like to inform you the good news that the United Bank Of Africa On Tuesday  just saved tune of monay by beating Geico with a switch.  The lizard confessed and now we know who started World War I.  

If you can still remember that the sum of all things totals everything, you remember something that seems pretty f**king obvious to a door knob and tree stump.  Mrs Joy Emma it wasn't obvious to, so we sent her to be re-educated at a Washington DC pubic sckrool, and that should pretty well ruin her for anything other than welfare cheating and voting democrap.  Granted the DNC dispute this but there was a misunderstanding between our communication during sex with an inflatable Sandra Fluke toy, and this pretty much guarantees that Brian "Walter Mitty" Williams will claim he was there when this happened during a newscast about the Iran-Iraq garage sale in '03 when the Humvee he was riding in got assaulted by interns for Bill Clinton.  

This notification arrived my desk with the help of Bebe Rebozo, a pet orangutan of George Soros, the well known primate sodomizer.  We're still trying to sanitize the desk.

Now according to the bimbo deflation Melissa Hairless Perry at msnbc, everything is racist in Liechtenstein, until or unless they quack like an owl for her.  I have to say that your lamestream servile mediocres there are strange; and what about that Medusa-looking head of your dnc, Debbil Washingmachine Schlitz?  Our communications secretary took one look at her and GOT stoned, preferring it to reality.  

The atachment file enclose with this later is as badly missprawled as wun myte xporct frum a Washington DC pubic sckrool.  And I gorfot to untach it.  Me bard.

As am writen to you now i have it in my hand and will use it on the crotch of a yak to see if it work the same there as with the inflatable Sandra Fluke toy...all that did was demand free barf control device.  It shoulda been for me, and those who've seen Sandra Fluke know what I am mean.  

immediately i hear from you I am alort the msnbc peoples to start clamming racecars in retorting on this starry starry knight.  

Have a nice day

The Joy of the bowel movement is your Srenght

I expect to read back from you asap

Yours Sincerly
Rev.Pasture Frank Okoro.  

 

 

This looks more like it was written by a dnc pasture, one that had to avoid offending most folks (and thanks to my edit, failed miserably).  One possumbility that this particular pasture looks kinda like this, having spent 20 years in the Jeremiah Wright Church Of Perpetual Hate 'n Racism:

 

OR, this pasture mighta looked a tad like the infamous Pastor Gas in the process of 'getting a message':

OR, he might have even been a "Walter Mitty" forgotten moment by a famous newscaster thinking about turning out to pasture:

And to be fair, it might not have been a man at the keyboard, decomposing the original scam email; it could have been a woman pasture, one that looks perhaps like this:

Or quite possumbly like this:

In any event, the originating scam pasture was cornfused by my edit:


what is this you mean here please?  


What you think I mean, Rev?  Apply faith and zen philosophy and get back to me. 


The pasture was apparently throwd off by that response:


do you want I withdrew this moneys frm you named accont?   


What you think, applying faith and zen philosophy to the email?  


i not undersand why u no want this?  


Time to help him understand:


Because I'm an asshole, that's why.  


THAT, he apparently understood  ;-)

 

Sequel THIS

Lots of things in life suck.

Some better than others.

Not email scammers.  But when you find that right "edit" for one, it only sucks for them.

Here's one such.  Witness Anni Benson's opening gambit:


URGENT NOTICE

Sequel to your non response of my earlier letter to you  for your Unclaimed Fund of $5.5m USD    since I did not hear from you, Then I have deposited the total Money valued $5.5m at  CARGO HEAD OFFICE as a consignment box because I traveled out of the country and I will not be back till next month end.

Please contact the Trust securities & CARGO Head office to  deliver your consignment box to you. I have paid for the delivery Charges. the only fee you will pay is for the Storage the box accumulated since the box deposited with them.

please take note that as soon as they deliver the consignment, use this CODE NUMBERS TO OPEN THE BOX So AS TO CONFIRM THE TOTAL FUNDS OF FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($5.5M) THIS CODE ( 0036589] IS FOR YOU AND MUST BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL BECAUSE IT IS JUST FOR YOU ALONE. PLEASE CONTACT THE COURIER COMPANY AT THE BELOW INFORMATION.

TRUST CARGO SECURITY SERVICE HEAD OFFICE
DISPATCH DIRECTOR, Rev Dr James A. Momoh
Email: trustcargo-courier@diplomats.com


Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid any more storage fees Please re-confirm the below information to the company immediately and tell them to deliver your consignment at your door step as soon as Possible. please be aware that they are waiting for you to contact them with your information to avoid mistake in delivery.


(1)Your  Full Name:
(2) Your Address:
(3)Your Cell  Phone:
(4) Your Company Name:
(5) Your Company Address:
(6)Your  Company Position:
(7) Your Profession:
(8) Your Age:
(9)Your  Marital Status:
 Please always call them to know the condition of this consignment
Best Wishes,
Benson  Anni   


My "non response" was due in large part to never having heard from this particular scammer before.  At least not on this particular scam.  But that's okay...my character will take care of that in true "sequel" form:

On Thursday, January 8, 2015 8:22 AM, Benson Anni <bensonanni473@yahoo.pt> would be shocked to learn that she wrote one thang but had it edited and emailed this way:

URGENT NOTICE

For the most part, sequels tend to suck.  Yes, suck.  Like a cheap vacuum.  So they suck, but not in a good way (*now you understand the opening photo*).

We here in a West African nation of...well, it doesn't really matter because it's all the same Third World shit pretty much here...have concocted a script about a Western mugu who is contacted about having an Unclaimed Fund of $5.5m USD.  Typically, the Western mugu didn't believe it and shitspammed the email.  This forced the company attempting the scam to have deposited the total Money valued $5.5m at  CARGO HEAD OFFICE as a consignment box because the principle scamstress traveled out of the country and will not be back till next month end. *Please note that which month end is not used, so as to leave an open-ended calendar subplot in the script alive and well, in case of time and dimension-crossing sub-subplots being introduced at a later date*.

So the Western mugu is then instructed to contact the Trust securities & CARGO Head office -- really a fly-infested internet café in a tent that primates run in and out of frequently, next to a croc-infested water hole outside of Lagos or some other Third World dump -- to  arrange for delivery of their consignment box.  The romance subplot then begins when the deliveress is a hot Taylor Swift-looking babe, and you fall madly in lust over her loins, while she is in cahoots with us to rape and pillage your bank accounts on our behalf.

 

Only -- and we hate when this happens -- for her to start to actually fall for your mugu ass, and we have to replace her mid-script with an inflatable Taylor Swift lookalike that's not only not so hot, but frequently deflates and sounds like she's farting doing it.  You as the Western mugu are disenchanted, and talk of having yourself surgically altered into a three-puckered goat who plans to move to a ewe convent and ponder that conundrum.

See what we just did there?  We have such clever subplot writers.

The plot then digresses wildly as you are directed to interview Kim Jong Un, and assassinate him with a Play Doh shapeshifter, showing him to his childish delight how to make sex toys out of Play Doh, only to use substitute plastic explosives that blow up when he starts sodomizing himself with the Play DilDoh you just made with the shapeshifter.  This results in North Korea hacking our production team's fly-infested internet café, and causes us all kinds of problems in post production.  

But we overcome by getting Seth Rogan to publicize our plight in Hollyweird, and WetDream Works comes to our rescue with a R-rated ending that even the marionette sex creators in Team America World Police find tacky and disgustingly kinky. 

In the end, you and the Taylor Swift inflatable lookalike patch her leaks and live happily ever after with an air pump and free birth control that Sandra Fluke didn't need 'cuz she's a real dawg.

And no, this script is NOT the reason that the real Taylor Swift got upset and ran her make up after the Golden Globes.  We're mean and lowlife sacks of sh**, but we personally have nothing against Taylor Swift.  If we did, she'd accuse us of assault.

please take note that as soon as this script hits movie theatres, you will be a household joke and we will probably be sued.  We don't care since we're Third World scumbags and respect the law as much as Barack Hussein Obola does.

So just ignore all the rest and contact these peoples listed herebelow:

TRUST CARGO SECURITY SERVICE HEAD OFFICE
DISPATCH DIRECTOR, Rev Dr James A. Momoh (yes, we're ALL Rev Doctors thanks to an online service that lets us buy education credentials that allow us to be pHd gynecologists from Harvard.  $19.95 and up).
Email: trustcargo-courier@diplomats.com

Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid any more post production delays for further subplot twists.  Please re-confirm the below information to the company immediately and tell them you'll sign your contract for no moneys up front, because we ain't gots none -- that's why we dragged you into this sh**, to provide us some -- as soon as Possible.  please be aware that they are waiting for you to contact them with your information to avoid sending your Taylor Swift inflatable lookalike sex toy to Joe Bidumb, because he thinks if he fills it with helium, he can take it anywhere and sing songs about his pretty sex balloon being busted ala Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles.  Joe's pretty simple that way.


(1)Your  Full Name (if your name is half empty, we're not interested in you):
(2) Your Address (that is a request for your geographic location, and not a declarative statement of you being a garment):
(3)Your Cell  Phone (we know you got a free one from Obola in return for voting five times for him):
(4) Your Company Name (we might want to scam them too):
(5) Your Company Address (see Number 2 in case you forgot already):
(6)Your  Company Position (if you're playing Twister or Hide The Wienie, We Don't Need It Too Explicit):
(7) Your Profession (that's "profession" not "confession"; we're not priests and we don't want to hear about what you did to Mary Jane's goat behind the woodshed):
(8) Your Age:
(9)Your  Marital Status (only if you married Mary Jane's goat after doing unspeakables to it would we be interested in hearing more):

 

Please don't call them to inquire about the condition of this consignment because we have them running so many scams, they can't remember all this sh**. 

 

 
Benson  Anni
Please Confirm that I screwed you by way of emailing my primate's email address.  bensonanni01@accountant.com   

 

 

None of the scammer's peers and colleagues bothered responding, but the originating scammer did:

 

 

what this you do my email?  

 

 

We make it classier than heretofore or any other time on the clock.  You like?  For a nominal fee, we make all your email like this, you saby?   

 

 

He/she didn't respond, so I reckon that takes care of the saby.  As for the teddy bear...just leave him be and back slowly away  ;-)   

Faceplant & The Fake Notice

Lots of folks like to make up memes and pass them around.  Including the one about Facebook privacy that apparently first surfaced in 2012, and has been branded a hoax by Facebook.

But the meme persists in circulating, and some media publications feel the need to repost about this.

My pet rock, Seymour -- never one to shy away from a good edit -- embraced the reposting notion, and made it his own this way:

This Faceplant 'privacy notice' is a creation of Obolacare, and you shouldn't bother paying for it

By Seymour PetRock

In recent weeks, you may have seen a Faceplant "privy notice" creep into your restroom, swat it with a fly swatter and flush it.

All kidding continued, a faux Faceplant 'privacy thang' has been making the rounds, and you really should treat it like Algore: ignore it. I mean, it's so boring.

See for yourself: "As of Jan. 5, 2015 at 10:50 a.m. Eastern standard time, I do not give Faceplant or any entities associated with Faceplant permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future. By this statement I give notice to Faceplant it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute or take any other action against me based on this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of privacy can be punished by law (UCC 1-308-11 308-103 and Rome statute). NOTE: Faceplant is now a public enema. All members must post a note like this. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. If you do not publish this statement at least once it will be tactically allowing the use of your photos, as well as information contained in the profile status updates. DO NOT SHARE you MUST copy and paste to make this I will leave a comment so it will be easier to copy and paste!!!"

Because it urges people to copy and paste it into their own statuses, the message is proliferating on people's Faceplant news feeds, in refrigerators as morphing leftovers and as illegals lining up for Kaliforlornia driver licenses. And it's not the first time this has happened; my last ex-fling made the rounds on Faceplant in 2014, claiming that I was boring and just laid there.

It's pointless to point out that she does the same thing...she's a sandstone.

Faceplant isn't interested in owning anything you have on your page, in your refrigerator, or an ex-fling. They might want your virgin platypuses if you have any.

"Anyone who uses Faceplant really owes it to the creator of Faceplant to donate to him all virgin platypuses that come into their possession, as stated in our terms.  They may control their bowels, but we of Faceplant have the final say on any virgin platypuses a Faceplant user might obtain, let alone how it is shared. That is our policy, and it always has been,"  Faceplant's spokesbot said in 2013 post addressing what it called a "A Meme About Constipated Mathematicians and Unspeakable Things They Do To Pencils Spreading On Faceplant." 

You're also not protecting any virgin wombats in your possession from "violating your virgin platypuses" when you leave them in a room without adequate and free birth control, though putting a picture of Sandra Fluke in the room usually causes them to hide under the furniture.  When you first signed up to use Faceplant, you agreed to the company's Philosophy Of Flatulence, which include its privy clause and exclusions. And while Faceplant at times updates its pastry resistance, your agreement to learn French is not required. Just use the Gooble Translate thang.

You also agreed to give Faceplant  "a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, worldwide license to violate any virgin crustacean that you come into possession of, before you yourself violate it," according to the company's Statement of Avoidance of Brown Notes in Elevators. This means Faceplant really doesn't want to hear the brown note and fill it's HQ with what it'd fill with if it heard the brown note played there. Feces and computers are a bad mix.

The "privacy notice" you might see getting passed around on Facebook is useless, a hoax.

If you don't agree with Faceplant's policies, though, you have a few options besides reposting a copy-and-pasted "privacy notice."  via overindulgence in Schnaps, you can:

• Not sign up for an Obolacare account, and hire a witchdoctor instead.
  
• Negotiate a modified policy with Faceplant about who gets first crack at any virgins you have come into your possession (good luck with that).
  
• Ask Bill Clinton to explain what his definition of “is” is.  He never has.
  
• Delete any and all references, photos, etc of Sandra Fluke from your Faceplant account. 
  
• Or, you can post the following amended privacy notice:

I do hereby give Faceplant or any entities associated with Faceplant permission to douche with Starbucks latte, or whatever else they so choose, both past and future. By this statement, I give notice to Faceplant that it is strictly forbidden to talk a homing pterydactyl bearing the name of Horace into swiping and eating this profile, which is primate and confidentially obfuscatory in and out of Nature. The violation of privy can be punished by olfactory offenses under CRS 1....1.1 subsection 99a of the Constipated Mathematician Who Worked It Out Widda Pencil Act (aka, the 2014 Federal Endangered Feces Act appearing twice nightly off Broadway in a convenience store near someone) NOTE: E flat. Your tonality may vary. Faceplant is and always has been embarrassing to do. All members must submit a note like this to my pet rock to edit. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. If you do not publish this statement at least once it will be understood by spotted dolphins living in Walmart signs in Fresno that purple hat wearing equals 2 in commie core dumbed down education, and it will give you genital warts. DO NOT SHARE GENITAL WARTS unless you don't like who you're sharing them with. As a former high school classmate and fellow alum once sorta writ, this has been a message from your Faceplant Hemophilian Mundane Society, hindquartered somewheres in a basement in Pahrump!!  

 

Seymour persists in believing that edits like this will net him a Pulitzer, and I persist in telling him that the closest he'll get is a "Pull My Fanger".

 

"Will NOT!!!"

A Billyun Spirits 'n Counting

My new scambaiting character is hitting the ground running.  In a week, he's got 15 scammers vying for his attention.

Not bad for a dead guy, huh?

This one gets special note...one scammer sent out a "how to make a billion dollars online" hokum and sent it to over 200 addressees, with my new character being one of them.  Instead, another scammer chose to jump into the mix and take off on a "giving the gift of Spirit" scam.

That one, my new character was all over.

Here's the first ploy, how another scammer took off on it, and then my character's edit:


Did you know that we have paid out over $3 BILLION to people on the
> ClickBank platform?
>
> *.. Yes, you heard us right. $3 BILLION! That's with a "B". *
>
> Now we want YOU to get a piece of the pie and are willing to show you
> exactly how to do it, step-by-step.
>
> *Click Here To Get Your Piece Of $3 Billion* <http://bit.ly/1uhmAjp>
>
> This is something you can't pass up.
>
> All you have to do is follow our directions and you'll see exactly how you
> can get your cut. :-)
>
> *Click Here To Get Your Piece Of $3 Billion* <http://bit.ly/1uhmAjp>
>
> Hope to pay you soon!  


There are powers; there always have been powers in the Higher Half
Air, Spirit realms. The method I use is ritual demonolatry. I practice
black magick using the Creed of affiliated Princes. The Spirits can
give you love, romance, power, connections, fame, success, wealth and
so on. You need to understand that the human heart bears energy and
this energy is linked to the destiny, karma and fate breathed by the
Universe. Human success is dependent on whether this energy can be
harnessed well enough to wield success as defined by the human
subject. Your energy has to be aligned to that of the Universe before
you can wield anything extraordinary. This is why some people fail and
others are successful - Aligning energies.

Knowledge is power; knowledge can be bought, bestowed or acquired. The
depth of the use of special knowledge identifies each soul on the
platform of prowess. It is true that to know is to be privileged, but
you have taken a first step to have insight.

What you have to do now is give me the following details so that I may
begin work for you.

1) What you desire from the Spirits
2) Your full names
3) Your country of residence

When I get these details, I will summon the Spirits to hear your case
and get you their reply as they walk you through the path to the
answer to your quest.

Remain blessed.  

There are powers?  No sh** Sherlock; there are powers.  I use them to dally daily.

There always have been powers in the lower half of the digestive tract, which can peel paint and even make pets leave a room.  The method I use is ritual demonbowelolatry. I practice fecal magic using the Creed of affiliated sodomous goats. The Spirits can give you painful rectal itch, ear bloating, genital warts on your eye lids, love of crotch cricket jelly sandwiches, vaginal teeth, collosal conglomerated masses of solidified mucus balls and so on.

You need to understand that the human heart goes well with stewed kidney beans in cannibal societies.  Human success is dependent on  whether or not Uranus invades in the next millennium.  Your energy has to be aligned to that of an interdimensional popcorn ball before you can wield anything remotely like a wombat genital. This is why some people fail and others are successful at aligning interdimensional popcorn balls to wield wombat genitals.  And without getting wombat bit.  Repeatedly.

Knowledge is power; knowledge can be bought, bestowed, acquired, slept with and prostituted when able to wield a wombat genital. The depth of the use of special knowledge identifies each soul on the
platform of projectile vomitness. It is true that to know is to be privileged, but you have taken a first step to have painful rectal itch and the ability to use it to teach penguins not to look up at passing asteroids.  They'll never see them and fall over like dominos.

What you have to do now is give me the following so that I may begin work for you.

1) A virgin wombat genital
2) Eye of Harry Reid
3) Birth control of Sandra Fluke (seeing her outside of barlight should suffice)

When I get these, I will summon the Spirits to fart and armpit a Justin Bieber song and await as the souls of 100,000 dead tortoises stampede through your underwear drawer, seeking to answer your quest of whether or not your dog gets enough cheese, or if falling in love will stick to your face.

Oooga booga booha.   Click Here To Get Your Piece Of 3 Billion stuffed animal hairballs ungabungabunga  

While my character's response did not get a rise out of the first scammer, the second one --  Clifford Arajisi -- was allegedly impressed:


You really are an intelligent man. You should get a gift from me, through the Spirits. You are gifted, am impressed. 
My character thought to hisself and my pet rock simultaneously, "Wowzers!":

Yes, I am.  With an IQ of 156 and MENSA credentials, I am very bright, indeed.  I could probably teach your Spirit a few things useful, yes?  

 

 

My new character is pretty full of hisself, shore 'nuff.