Thursday, February 19, 2015

Code This

I'm sure that the group that did the '60s song "Western Union" never expected to continue to get brought up in 2015.  But when a scammer puts a pitch square over the plate in the strike zone, I am obliged to swing for the fences at it.

My pet rock just says it was "a swing and a MISS", but he's just jealous because he didn't get to do this edit.

"Am NOT!!!!  PHFFFFT!"

And that proves that you are, Seymour.  The "phffft" is always a giveaway.


Here's how it started:


Contact Western union Benin with Your full name,full Address and direct phone number for your fund $2.5usd, Contact name: Mr. Frank Onyechi, 
via (uwestern330@yahoo.fr) ; Phone: +229- 998-087-33 Sincerely,
Mrs. Jenneth Copeland  
 
 
So I -- or rather my character -- did:
 
 
Just where am I being transferred, and why wasn't I told before now?  
 
 
Like with so many other stupid scammers, it isn't WHAT you reply; it's that you replied, period:
 
 
Welcome to Western Union Money  Transfer
Send Money Worldwide
FROM DESK OF WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER OFFICE.
FINANCIAL MINISTER OF FREDERAL REPUBLIC
OF BENIN FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE.
FAX NUMBER +229 99 808 733
Adresse :Rue du Gouverneur Bayol;Boxe postale :BP 1280 - Cotonou.

ATTENTION: Frank Unsteen,

We acknowledge the receipt of your mail, This fund was deposited under this western union department as a result of your over due contract payment according to the finance minister Mrs Jenneth Copeland. She further instructed that the sum of  $2.5M, should be transfer to you in the amount of  $5,000.00 daily basis until the transfer is completed. 

However, after going through your file and address , i was even trying to know if we can send you the first $5000 today, but unfortunately , i discovered that this your payment Transfer Permit File Code:-KGU9875/  is not yet activate of which you have to activate it before I can  proceed to access the file and transfer your first payment $5000 today, that is the little  problem i'm having with your transaction right now.... 

Therefore, i will like you to kindly send the activation fee of $175. usd if possible today so that first thing tomorrow Morning here i will rush to the DIRECTOR GENERAL WESTERN UNION office to activate your  Transfer Permit File Code:-KGU9875/ , so that your payment transfer will be effective and you start receiving your funds $5000 your transaction ok.. 

Finally, The fee could not be deduct from the fund $2.5M USD due to the engagement agreement of Insurance Company with the various Ministries which I have the certificate with me right here, and we were clearly warned not to tamper with your fund and no cent will be deduct from the payments for whatever reason, stating that it is a measure to safeguard the fund of the beneficiaries from embezzlement..

My promised to you is that we shall transfer your first payment of $5000 as soon i finished activate your payment (Transfer Permit File Code:-KGU9875/ ) from the Federal Ministry Of Finance today....The only thing you should do now is to go and send me the ($175.) so that i can meet up with Federal Ministry Of Finance today ok........
                                                                                                    
Just copy below information and go to western union with $175 to send it through western  union to the name of our protocol officer stated below:  
 
Here is the information on how you will send the $175.00 and the money will be send via Western Union Money Transfer Or Money Gram.
 
Receiver name /  Ikam Anthony
Country / Benin Republic Cotonou  
City/Address / Porto-Novo
Country/ Code/ 00229
Text Question / Bless?
Answer / Yes  
Amount / $175.00 usd
 
Remember to send the payment information such as MTCN# and the sender name as soon as you send the $175usd or you can call me with this number +229 99 808 733 so that i will have the information of the payment.
 
Your urgent respond is highly needed;
Once Again; You are welcome to western union worldwide payment department Benin Of West Africa.

Thanks For Your Understanding. 

Mr. Frank Onyechi
EMAIL (uwestern330@yahoo.fr)
TELEPHONE +229 99 808 733  
 
 
So "Frank" decided to subject "Frank" to an edit that perhaps might get his attention this time:
 
 
Welcome to Western Union
Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah, Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah
Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah, Dah Dit Dah Dit Dah...
Send Sh** Worldwide
FROM DESK OF FINANCIAL MINISTER OF FREDERAL REPUBLIC
Yes, we too have talking desks in our Ministry of Frederal Republic
OF BENIN FOREIGN CONTRACTOR PAYMENT OFFICE.
FAX NUMBER +229 99 808 733
Adresse :Rue du Gouverneur Bayol;Boxe postale :BP 1280 - Cotonou.

ATTENTION: 

On behalf of our talking desk, we wish to advice you that the Ministry of Frederal Republic of Benin is not a ministry dedicated solely to Freds; our desks represent Franks 'n Beans, too.  We acknowledge the receipt of mail from the finance minister Mrs Jenneth Copeland.  She has a desk that speaks for her too. 

As I walked out on the stre-ets of Benin...
as I walked out on the streets there one day,
I spied a lone desk there, all talking to itself
all talking to itself as bored as could be...

I see by your outline, that you're a talking desk..
it sees by my outline, I'm a talking desk too...
We see by our outlines, that we're talking desks..
if you get an outline you can be a talking desk too...

*Hint to readers:  if you sing those lyrics to the Streets of Laredo, Smothers Brothers style, it'll make some sense*

However, after going through your file and address , i was even trying to know if you have a talking desk there that we can communicate with?  Our talking desks would probably have better speaks with your talking desks, perhaps even conference calling each other in a manure sure we are thinking to expedite and ease the communicationals that only talking desks having speaks can.  but unfortunately , i discovered that it is reported that you don't not has a speaking desk, and this is most depressing to our talking desks, because in the international arena of talking desks, an ever-widening circle of talking desks is key to internationality and the brotherhood of drawers.  that is the little  problem i'm having with your transaction right now.... 

Therefore, i will like you to kindly locate if you will or can, a talking desk in your offices that is conversant in bochi, Azerbajani and Liechtensteinian-sprechen, so that our desks can laugh their asses off hearing languages they are not accustomed to.  A laughing talking desk is a happy furniture, to be sure.

Finally, once the talking deskage issue is arranged to the satisfaction of all ministries, names and desks, there is the little thing about the fee that is integral to this whole email that got lost in the drawers of the streets of Laredo and trying to make talking desks work in those lyrics.  The fee could not be deduct from a duck, so don't ask us to put the fee on its bill.  We know that one already.  Just so you know and appreciate this little factoid, the Ministry of Abners directed us to avoid any duck billage in the fee procedure, so that we'd have no abnermalities. 

I don't suppose you see what we just did there.  If you had a talking desk, it would have.

My promised to you is that I shall get a better spell check program for my talking desk, because some of my grampar here is not up to syntax error.  I will have to look into having this addressed by the Federal Ministry Of Floranance today....and no, it is not a combination of Flora and finance...but the talking desk over there is named Flora, in case you know a single male talking desk that wants her number.  She is rumored to give great hinge jobs.
                                                                                                    
Just copy below information and go to western union with the special morse code we put at the top of this email and when you repeat it back to them -- if they are under the age of 30 -- they will have no idea what that noise is you're making, and will probably have security throw you out.  So make sure your clerk is over 30 before you start dah-ditting.  And when you finish the song thing to their extreme thanks, give them this informations:  
 
Here is the information on how you will send whatever amount you feel is generous enough to keep our talking desks on speaking terms with other talking desks in other geogiraffical regions.
 
Receiver name /  The desk of Ikam Anthony
Country / the talking desk in the Ministry of Frederal Benin Republic Cotonou  
City/Address / Porto-Novo
Country/ Code/ 00229
Text Question / Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Desk drawer overnight?
Answer / F**king A Right it does, you ill-mannered asshat.    
Amount / whatever you feel like sending...we rely heavily on the generosity of talking desks
 
Remember to send the payment information such as MTCN# and the sender name as soon as you send whatever your generosity dictates or you can call me at  +229 99 808 733 so that my desk and your talking desk, if you come up with one, can shoot the sh** about the best oils for sliding drawers and hinge jobs.
 
Your urgent respond is highly needed;
Once Again; You are welcome to western union
dah dit dah dit dah, dah dit dah dit dah
dah dit dah dit dah, dah dit dah dit dah,
dit dah dit dah dit dah dit dah dit dah dit dah....*whew that's a lot of dit dah*
Thanks For Your Understanding on the talking desks, streets of Laredo, morse code and duck bills. 
Mr. Frank Onyechi
TELEPHONE +229 99 808 733  
 
 
Mr. Frank Onyechi musta finally sat down and actually read the reply; his lack of one tells me he knows he isn't getting his money.  Or can't figure out the music to the Streets of Laredo...


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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahahaha. Poor Frank or whatever his name is.

Have a fabulous day. My very best to my buddy Seymour. ☺

19 February, 2015 09:22  

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