Sunday, February 22, 2015

Ha

A 'puter problem fixed, just in time for anuddah edit by the ostentatious pet rock, Seymour.

"Am NOT!!!"

Do you even KNOW what ostentatious means?

"Uh...it means I'm from Austin?"

*Sigh*

Seymour did much better with an edit of a rather boring state agency news email.  Take a gander:


You are subscribed to some boring periodical that highlights the academic accomplishments of Tupperware.  This will be more fun, albeit strange.

Mischievous Animal(s) Amending Wildlife Zone & Other Signs
12/19/2014 04:03 PM MST

STATEWIDE which is fixable with diet and girdles- House Bill 1-1-1-119911 directed whoever in the state is in charge of such investigations, to start one.  It seems that road signs are getting amended along state highways and other places.

And reports have it that a mischievous animal or animals are involved. 

Originally, the state established that anywhere animals frequented heavily traveled thoroughfares and unfares, that they be equipped with airbags.  This led to the unintended consequence of animals activating their airbags with a distinctive loud flatulence sound, causing stampedes from crowded elevators. 
It is suspected that the rare but very “doesn’t play well with others” Western Barking Spider (Arachnis Flatus Whoa Dude) is responsible, but not for the signs issue.

Video surveillance snippets along with sparse eye witless accounts suggest that an organized gang of some kind of hard to find animal(s) are amending signs along road sides, intersections, off of bridges and overpasses and on some landmark buildings.  One airplane towed sign was allegedly graffiti-ed shortly after the pilot made a wide turn to the west of Denver.  “Ah haid it thar when ah went ta turn aroun’, an’ then th’ dadgummed thang sayed sumpin else than wha’ it sayed afore” reported the pilot to Department of Marijuana Enforcement officials, only to then remind him that he drove a Yugo for Dominos Pizza, before turning him over to a half dozen folks that wanted words with him over where their orders went last weekend.

State wildlife officials were nonplused to learn that the state School of Mines was now The Institoot Of Phffft Smellers, and that signs on I-70 now warn motorists to “Lookout For Mountain – Exit B4 2Late”. 

“We think we have a moose out there that’s learned how to attach a Sharpie to its antlers and has a knack for almost legible graffiti” says a source close to a medical marijuana facility in South Park.  It is suspected that this moose spends too much time close to pot dispensaries in the Gilpin and Boulder County areas, where wildlife post-high crashes after prolonged exposure and insufficient munchies are prominent.

A spokesperson for the state Department of Statistics says that there are studies to back up this up, but none have OSHA persondated alarms attached, so backing them up is verboten except where verboten is not understood.  Then it’s just lookensee outen.

As part of the legislation, sponsored by a runaway truck ramp that established a home for runaway trucks, the state was required to prepare a report with a side of fries and mustard on it.  No one knows why, but the addition of a pickle helped.

Per the bill, the report contained the following data and information (you used ta be able to see link to report, below, but it fah down go phfft):

·         the location of each sign that had been allegedly pillaged by wildlife;
·         the total number of public highway signs miles that have been edited, causing confusion for tourists from Liechtenstein;
·         the total number and identification of wildlife observed carrying Sharpies on their antlers;
·         the effect, if any, that the wildlife show if spending too much time sniffing the Sharpies, and the frequency of wildlife accidentally wetting themselves in a public area; and
·         a recommendation to ban sales of Sharpies to wildlife via legislative bill 1.1.1-WTHIT* to be taken up by the UN General Assembly should it ever convene in Toledo.

“There were many variations among these data, however, when we looked at each individual Wildlife Zone,” Traffic & Saxophone Rebusher Pane Zynx said. “Those with manatee vs platypus vs triciploplotz vs jackelopes saw increased collisions during rut and re-enactments of Monday Night Football, causing loss of down with penalties and interest during nighttime hours.”

“We did show an increase in spelling errors on the amended signs when cable TV has The Gong Show marathons on over the past two years,” reported Nielsen ratings during an MSNBC telethon for post nasal drip.

The state’s wildlife psychologist also weighed in on the data review without realizing it.

“It was unclear if a wildlife that learns how to graffiti with a Sharpie had behavioral problems prior to leaving the herd, or if it is a learned response to watching too much of “Here Comes Honey Booboo” through some stoned homeowner’s window on their big screen TV.  What we do know is that showing said wildlife a package of jerky pisses them off and has cost me a half dozen researchers this past year,” reported the anonymous psychologist from a Witness Protection Program in a nearby state. We needed two more seasons of The Gong Show re-runs to figure out non sequiturism and how it relates to dogs chasing cars and what the horsefeathers they’re going to do with it when they catch it, since they can’t drive.”

The psychologist is now on an extended rest sabbatical studying fruit bat pilates at a Holiday Inn in Newark, NJ.

The final data (subject to amendment if that moose and Sharpie show up here) suggests:

1.      The state doesn’t get a lot of confused tourists from Liechtenstein.
2.      The state has no amended or not signs written to be of any help to aliens from Uranus, should they happen by.
3.      The best performing art by wildlife came from an otter named Horace.  He painted a Prius that looks like a Ford Pinto.
4.      The worst performing art was by a Gennesse Mountain buffalo named Biff; he painted a CDOT truck to look like Kim Jong Un.
5.      North Korea now wants to hack Biff.
6.      For the fall season, there was an increase of 3% in what fell.

Our recommendation to the legislature was the following:

Cancel State “Save A Bug On The Windshield” Day.

The Department Of Meadow Muffin Reclamation has been turning down wildlife requests for more art supplies, and if the sign amending and other mischief doesn’t stop, the airbags that wildlife are pranking people with will be removed altogether.

PROJECT INFORMATION: The best way to stay up-to-date on avoiding emails like this is to put down the bottle and back slowly away.  You can also “like” us on Facebook, though most people don’t when they’re sober.
·         What The Hell Is This  
 
 
I'm betting the state agency might not be amused...but some of their readers will...

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1 Comments:

Blogger Sandee said...

The government is always quite boring, but Seymour did a great job spicing up their boring ideas.

Have a fabulous day. My very best to Seymour. :)

22 February, 2015 09:43  

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