If At First They Don't Read It

Edit, edit again.

The online loan scamstress Clara Smith shoulda, coulda and woulda, but she was too busy drying out her knickers after wetting herself in abject joy that my character responded to her email.

She just didn't pay attention to how my character responded, even though she said the email was "well noted and understood".

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Here was the very beginning of her opening ploy:


Hello,
         We are Christian Organization formed to help people in needs
of  helps,such as financial help.  


The *TOING* reverberated around the neighborhood.


Thus, a quick edit in reply:

Hello,

We are cross between an atheist and Jehovah Witness organization,

which means we'll knock on your door for no reason.  We were formed

to help people in needs of understanding why we knock on their door

for no reason, being our mix of atheist/JW.  Frankly, it puzzles us too.

So if you are going through some kind of personal crisis in your

life, and we knock on your door, why even bothering to answer

it.  Only a cosmic muffin named Harold might hold the answer;

that's from the JW side when we say Harold be thy name.  We

really don't know that He's Harold, and our atheist side is

forever saying "Harold Who?"  Are you are finding it hard to
obtain understanding of why we sent you this email?  Some of

our cornfused congregation wonder that too.  But we'll be more

than unsure why when you contact us today via email
mrsclarasmithloanfiirm@gmail.com  for the JW bible says nothing;

you have to read it.  And the atheist bible says less, 'cuz they ain't

gots one.  They reckon it simplifies things as opposed to having

The Book of Nothing.

Now, someone named Matthew Mark Luke 'n Duck said in

Chapter 11:10, "now is the time for all good cuckoo clocks to

have their cuckoos fly south for the winter; he who seeks is

looking, and to him who knocks, he needs higher octane"

So do not let these phrases suggest to you that anyone who

eats creamed beets dies; that's simply nature doing it's normal

thing, since beets are by all accounts disgusting when creamed.

By any other name, Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever
more on the JW side, while the atheists mispronounce his name

when ordering tacos.

Please these is for vacuous minded and Coke bottle fearing People.

Now we ask you to offer up some stats about you so that we may

know whether you is or you ain't and which side of our org you is

or ain't inclining toward:

Your Name:
Your SEX;
What You Last Had Sex With;
If Atheist, When Having Sex Do You Say "Oh Nobody!" over and over again:

Country You Had Sex With:
Loan Amount You Had Sex With:
Loan Duration Of The Sex You Had Widdit:
PURPOSE OF LOAN SEX;
Valid Cell Phone Number (if you answered all the other questions, we definitely want speaks with you):

Thanks for your understanding to your contact as we Await

Regards
Management
E-mail :mrsclarasmithloanfiirm@gmail.com

 

 

What response did this edit draw?  A stupid one, of course:

 

 

I  received your mail that you are interested in getting a loan from
us and  content there in is well noted and understood (LMAO!!!).

I am Mrs Clara Smith,A financier loan lender" the Managing director of
Loan Solution,i am willing to lend out loans with the interest rate of
3%, We offer loans to commercial and private bodies ranging from
$5,000 to the maximum of $8,000,000 within the periods of 1 to 25
years, We offer loan at low interest rate and with no credit check, we
offer Personal loans, debt consolidation loans, venture capital,
business loans, education loans, home loans or "loans for any
reason!However, Our method, offers you the chance to state the amount
of loan needed and also the duration you can afford, We are well
certified and registered, Our loans are well insured for  maximum
security which  is our great priority,

We do use the bank transfer in sending loans to our various clients
and it will take the maximum period of 12 working HOURS and you are
well guaranteed of getting funded, If you are interested, kindly fill
out the Borrower's Loan Application and send it back to us for further
process.

Borrower Information (Required information fields appear in bold).
Full Name(s):
Age:
Street Address:
Country:
Contact Number:
Loan Amount Requested:
Loan Purpose:
Loan Duration:
Employment Status:

We hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Truly,
Mrs Clara Smith

 

So we'll see how well she reads the requested information returned:

 

Borrower Information (Required information fields appear in bold).
Full Name(s):       Frank Unsteen IV
Age:                      Locked In At 67 in Perpetuity
Street Address:     4334 Whittier Blvd  Los Angeles CA 90023
Country:               No, it's in town
Contact Number:  323-261-2725
Bone Amount Requested:   Full Skeletal Frame
Bone Purpose:  So I can walk again
Bone Duration:  In perpetuity...whaddaya think I'd just want 'em for the weekend?
Employment Status:   Planned to be after re-boned

 

 

It became apparent that Clara -- or someone there with a better grasp of "well noted and understood" -- did a better job of reading the next response, on accounta cuz my character got this:

 

 

u cannot be seriously?  we are serious loan firm please.  

 

 

But of course you are.  And I am serious about my loan of bones request.  Impress me with your flexibility so as to help me regain mine.  The world watches, waits and decides.  Will you measure up, or just join the graveyard of online loan firms what couldn't git 'er done?  

 

 

Alas, Clara Smith joins 99.99% of the online loan scam world in abject FAIL.  I'm sure this causes her to have a bone to pick with my character.  I suggest she try this:

 

Yahoo News' Katie Perky Couric didn't seem impressed:

 

 

He whose bones scambait away,

lives to bone another day....