Looking For Help In All The Wrong Places

The online scammers that contact me convince me more and more, that they are today's democrats.

It takes that brand of stupid to try to sell these pathetic types of scams.

Here's another "tear jerker" from one Michelle Mich:

WITH TEARS
looking for a trustworthy, sincere and honest someone like you who can help me in this time of needs, during the civil and political crisis in our country, my parents together with my three sisters was poisoned by heartless. Fortunately for me, I was in the school when this tragedy took place to my family. That is by the way.  Right now I am still here in country but very unsafe for me. I'm living in great fear and bondage. I intend leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing kept me back. My late father has deposited with one of the prime institution in Europe the sum of money, €3.2Million, for onward transfer
But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he sudden died. 45% for your help and assistance because it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before. By instinct I am convinced you are an honest person and you have the capacity to handle this transaction with me.  As soon as it is done, I will come over with to meet you and spend the rest of my live in your country. Down here, I am living in fear because enemies, uncles and wicked relatives of my parents are hunting for me.  Please let me know your mind concerning my proposal to you.
With her loving arms
Michelle  


You were so overwhelmed by that emotionally, you were just ready to race right out to a Western Union or Money Gram and send money NOW, right?

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*...meh.

It is pretty much a given that this upcoming edit -- by my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour -- is not approved by the DNC or any democrap running from and for anything in particular.  Nor does Seymour care:


From: MICHELLE Mich <drcollinsmensah@ymail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, February 20, 2019 10:21 AM
Subject: WITH TEARS OF LAUGHING...Ha ha HA HAHAA   

WITH TEARS OF LAUGHING...Ha ha HA HAHAA

Looking for a toothless void-betwixt-the-ears someone like you who can be of some degree of hep to me in this time of kneads.  Be carefilled not to get yeast infection well-bred while loafing in this story I am about get on a roll with.  A croissant, if I really dough good with it.

During the civil and political crisis in this country, my parents together with my three sisters joined the Green New Deal and were killed trying to drive corks into cow asses.

 

 

 Fortunately for me, I was in the school of AO Cortez eCONomics where we are designing high speed train that will cross the Atlantic in time so we can get rid of airplanes and save the Earth from Hellary's 2020 broomstick crimepaign that she will use for her next book, "What Happened This Time", slated for release in 2021.

That is by the way.  Right now I am still here in country but very unsafe for me because the DNC has not yet come up with suitable pronoun for my choice of being an octosexual orthopod, and there are no bathroom choices for me anywhere but San Crapcisco, where I can defecate in the street like Nancy Bela Pelosi does verbally. I'm living in leather and bondage, James Bondage. I intend to be leaving this country as soon as possible but only one thing kept me back:  Richard Branson hasn't got his Virgin Mary Mother of Geeawd Space Shuttle working yet, and I am late on my scheduled arrival to Uranus. 

 

 

I so wanted to be on time there...my late father has deposited with one of the prime institution on Uranus the treasures of the Kingdumb of Biden, a collection of his witless wisdom, worth at least $1.99.  I could trade that for a  bottle of Boone's Farm Wine, and not care where I at.

But unfortunately he did not complete the transaction before he sudden died of painful rectal itch that he got at DNC hindquarters during an Antifa training seminar, gas lighted by the queen of impeaching inanimate objects, Maxipad Waters, Kaliforlornia's answer to a reboot of The Gong Show.

Better still, if you act now. 45% of all captured cow farts will be yours for your help and assistance because it looks stupid for me trying to confide in a total stranger I never met before.  But, like Alexandra Occluded Cortez, looking stupid is how I get head.  Or ahead, I'm not sure.

By instinct I am convinced you are probably laughing at me and this truly pains what passes for the genitals of an octosexual orthopod; I has spend much hours trying to explain what they look like to cnn so that Brian Stelter can accuse people of octosexual racism like he does when he is clueless about what he's talking about, which is all the time.  What I want to know now is this:  can an honest person and you have the capacity to co-exist in a transbowel hyperfartic state, without Alyssa Milano's breast to tell you what is offensive?  As soon as it is figured out, I will get to board my shuttle to Uranus and spend the rest of my live in zero gravity, never achieving the ability to pee my name in the snow. 

Meanwhile here, I am living in fear of radical gerbils because ms13nbc says that uncles and wicked relatives of Chuck U Schumer -- that whack job with the niece who is unscrewable and a poster child for Free Willy -- are hunting for me. 

 

Once you've read and fully digested this, please let me know your mind concerning my chances at a masked singer job on that talent show.
Michelle  

 

 

After reading that, ol' Michelle Mich may have tears in her eyes, but not for the reasons claimed heretofore....

Where Oh Where Are We?

The picture doesn't really relate to the email scam featured here.  Perhaps it should.  It does, after all, kinda sorta look a little like Malaysia.

Say 'yo' to Morris Chandler, traveling scammer:

This is to inform you that I came to Malaysia yesterday from Canada

to seek for the payment of the beneficiaries  from Asia, Africa,

Europe,  South America and the United States of America. The United Natiions in collaboration with Federal Government of Malaysia and the British Government to see that all debts owes to contractors and other beneficiaries are paid to them immediately. Right now, as directed by

UN secretary General named António Guterres we should work in collaborations with these governments to ensure that your overdue payment worth $10.5M paid into your account without any delay  as approved and instructed by World Bank. 

Sincerely, you are a lucky person because I have just discovered that some top Malaysia  and Canadian Government officials are intereste in your fund and they are working in collaboration with One Mr.Richard Graves from USA to frustrate you and thereafter divert your fund into their personal account.You can view this page for your perusal http://www.un.org/News/Press/docs/2003/ik344.doc.htm We are going to pay you from our compensation fund scheme. Note that I have a very limited time to stay in Malaysia here as soon as I receive your information I will direct to our head of finance for your immediate payment.So I  would like you to urgently respond to this message with your details, so that we can work on your payment as soon as possible. You can reach me for now with below information:

1. Your full names:.......................

2. Residential address:...................

3. Telephone phone number:.................

4.       Bank information...........................

5. Occupation..............................

Kindly Reply strictly 

through my personal email address) morris_chandler121@outlook.com

Sincerely yours,

Mr Morris Chandler

W.B CO-ORDINATOR  

 

 

That's nice.  The edit leaves it more traveled, and well...not so much:

 

This is to inform you that I came to Malaysia yesterday from Canada

by way of Montenegro through Liechtenstein enroute to Azerbaijan

to buy Somali Hen's Teeth to sell in gift shops in backwoods places

in Arkansas and the basement of the DNC.  Whatever I do, I am

adjured to keep them out of Whoopi Goldberg's snatch, for a

nastier place is not envisioned and would turn Somali Hen's Teeth

into avenging gremlins that trash movie theatres and candy shops.

Just like Michael Moore.

Sincerely, you are a lucky person because I have just discovered that

some top Malaysia  and Canadian Government officials are installing

surveillance cameras in Whoopi's 'bat cave' to see to it that this is not

a 'thing' on YouTube.  It might overly excite Antifa.

DC Swamp Dwellers Against Anything in Whoopi's Gitch -- hashtag

#Ack -- are signing up in droves.  Not sure what constitutes a drove,

but if you gots a motor car, you obviously drove once.  The banker has

a little motor car and little children laugh at him behind his back. 

At least on Penney Lane.

One Mr.Richard Graves from USA frustrate you by changing the

Chanel number 5 from Fox to cnn.  That will make the dead rise

and register to vote in Shotcago.  And worse, it will cause a rash of

people to write letters and send them snail mail at 50 cents per stamp.

Oh, the humanities...

So I  would like you to urgently respond to this message with

your details, retails, whether or not you has a tail.  

You can reach me for now with below information:

1. Your full names:.......................

2. Residential address:...................

3. Telephone phone number:.................

4.       Bank information...........................

5. Occupation..............................

6. Are you the least bit interested in Whoopi's snatch...................................

7. If so, WTF is wrong with you......................................

Kindly Reply strictly 

through my personal email address) morris_chandler121@outlook.com

Sincerely yours,

Mr Morris Chandler

WTF CO-ORDINATOR

Ol' Morris didn't seem inclined to follow this up after receiving it.  I guess the mental image of Whoopi's 'bat cave' was too much for him, too.

 

Sequel THIS

Lots of things in life suck.

Some better than others.

Not email scammers.  But when you find that right "edit" for one, it only sucks for them.

Here's one such.  Witness Anni Benson's opening gambit:


URGENT NOTICE

Sequel to your non response of my earlier letter to you  for your Unclaimed Fund of $5.5m USD    since I did not hear from you, Then I have deposited the total Money valued $5.5m at  CARGO HEAD OFFICE as a consignment box because I traveled out of the country and I will not be back till next month end.

Please contact the Trust securities & CARGO Head office to  deliver your consignment box to you. I have paid for the delivery Charges. the only fee you will pay is for the Storage the box accumulated since the box deposited with them.

please take note that as soon as they deliver the consignment, use this CODE NUMBERS TO OPEN THE BOX So AS TO CONFIRM THE TOTAL FUNDS OF FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($5.5M) THIS CODE ( 0036589] IS FOR YOU AND MUST BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL BECAUSE IT IS JUST FOR YOU ALONE. PLEASE CONTACT THE COURIER COMPANY AT THE BELOW INFORMATION.

TRUST CARGO SECURITY SERVICE HEAD OFFICE
DISPATCH DIRECTOR, Rev Dr James A. Momoh
Email: trustcargo-courier@diplomats.com


Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid any more storage fees Please re-confirm the below information to the company immediately and tell them to deliver your consignment at your door step as soon as Possible. please be aware that they are waiting for you to contact them with your information to avoid mistake in delivery.


(1)Your  Full Name:
(2) Your Address:
(3)Your Cell  Phone:
(4) Your Company Name:
(5) Your Company Address:
(6)Your  Company Position:
(7) Your Profession:
(8) Your Age:
(9)Your  Marital Status:
 Please always call them to know the condition of this consignment
Best Wishes,
Benson  Anni   


My "non response" was due in large part to never having heard from this particular scammer before.  At least not on this particular scam.  But that's okay...my character will take care of that in true "sequel" form:

On Thursday, January 8, 2015 8:22 AM, Benson Anni <bensonanni473@yahoo.pt> would be shocked to learn that she wrote one thang but had it edited and emailed this way:

URGENT NOTICE

For the most part, sequels tend to suck.  Yes, suck.  Like a cheap vacuum.  So they suck, but not in a good way (*now you understand the opening photo*).

We here in a West African nation of...well, it doesn't really matter because it's all the same Third World shit pretty much here...have concocted a script about a Western mugu who is contacted about having an Unclaimed Fund of $5.5m USD.  Typically, the Western mugu didn't believe it and shitspammed the email.  This forced the company attempting the scam to have deposited the total Money valued $5.5m at  CARGO HEAD OFFICE as a consignment box because the principle scamstress traveled out of the country and will not be back till next month end. *Please note that which month end is not used, so as to leave an open-ended calendar subplot in the script alive and well, in case of time and dimension-crossing sub-subplots being introduced at a later date*.

So the Western mugu is then instructed to contact the Trust securities & CARGO Head office -- really a fly-infested internet café in a tent that primates run in and out of frequently, next to a croc-infested water hole outside of Lagos or some other Third World dump -- to  arrange for delivery of their consignment box.  The romance subplot then begins when the deliveress is a hot Taylor Swift-looking babe, and you fall madly in lust over her loins, while she is in cahoots with us to rape and pillage your bank accounts on our behalf.

 

Only -- and we hate when this happens -- for her to start to actually fall for your mugu ass, and we have to replace her mid-script with an inflatable Taylor Swift lookalike that's not only not so hot, but frequently deflates and sounds like she's farting doing it.  You as the Western mugu are disenchanted, and talk of having yourself surgically altered into a three-puckered goat who plans to move to a ewe convent and ponder that conundrum.

See what we just did there?  We have such clever subplot writers.

The plot then digresses wildly as you are directed to interview Kim Jong Un, and assassinate him with a Play Doh shapeshifter, showing him to his childish delight how to make sex toys out of Play Doh, only to use substitute plastic explosives that blow up when he starts sodomizing himself with the Play DilDoh you just made with the shapeshifter.  This results in North Korea hacking our production team's fly-infested internet café, and causes us all kinds of problems in post production.  

But we overcome by getting Seth Rogan to publicize our plight in Hollyweird, and WetDream Works comes to our rescue with a R-rated ending that even the marionette sex creators in Team America World Police find tacky and disgustingly kinky. 

In the end, you and the Taylor Swift inflatable lookalike patch her leaks and live happily ever after with an air pump and free birth control that Sandra Fluke didn't need 'cuz she's a real dawg.

And no, this script is NOT the reason that the real Taylor Swift got upset and ran her make up after the Golden Globes.  We're mean and lowlife sacks of sh**, but we personally have nothing against Taylor Swift.  If we did, she'd accuse us of assault.

please take note that as soon as this script hits movie theatres, you will be a household joke and we will probably be sued.  We don't care since we're Third World scumbags and respect the law as much as Barack Hussein Obola does.

So just ignore all the rest and contact these peoples listed herebelow:

TRUST CARGO SECURITY SERVICE HEAD OFFICE
DISPATCH DIRECTOR, Rev Dr James A. Momoh (yes, we're ALL Rev Doctors thanks to an online service that lets us buy education credentials that allow us to be pHd gynecologists from Harvard.  $19.95 and up).
Email: trustcargo-courier@diplomats.com

Try to contact them as soon as possible to avoid any more post production delays for further subplot twists.  Please re-confirm the below information to the company immediately and tell them you'll sign your contract for no moneys up front, because we ain't gots none -- that's why we dragged you into this sh**, to provide us some -- as soon as Possible.  please be aware that they are waiting for you to contact them with your information to avoid sending your Taylor Swift inflatable lookalike sex toy to Joe Bidumb, because he thinks if he fills it with helium, he can take it anywhere and sing songs about his pretty sex balloon being busted ala Madeline Kahn in Blazing Saddles.  Joe's pretty simple that way.


(1)Your  Full Name (if your name is half empty, we're not interested in you):
(2) Your Address (that is a request for your geographic location, and not a declarative statement of you being a garment):
(3)Your Cell  Phone (we know you got a free one from Obola in return for voting five times for him):
(4) Your Company Name (we might want to scam them too):
(5) Your Company Address (see Number 2 in case you forgot already):
(6)Your  Company Position (if you're playing Twister or Hide The Wienie, We Don't Need It Too Explicit):
(7) Your Profession (that's "profession" not "confession"; we're not priests and we don't want to hear about what you did to Mary Jane's goat behind the woodshed):
(8) Your Age:
(9)Your  Marital Status (only if you married Mary Jane's goat after doing unspeakables to it would we be interested in hearing more):

 

Please don't call them to inquire about the condition of this consignment because we have them running so many scams, they can't remember all this sh**. 

 

 
Benson  Anni
Please Confirm that I screwed you by way of emailing my primate's email address.  bensonanni01@accountant.com   

 

 

None of the scammer's peers and colleagues bothered responding, but the originating scammer did:

 

 

what this you do my email?  

 

 

We make it classier than heretofore or any other time on the clock.  You like?  For a nominal fee, we make all your email like this, you saby?   

 

 

He/she didn't respond, so I reckon that takes care of the saby.  As for the teddy bear...just leave him be and back slowly away  ;-)   

A Monsta Scam

Yes, that's John Kerry.

No, he's not directly or indirectly connected to this particular scam. 

His political scams are quite enough, but I digress.

Sooner or later, scammers do come up with a new angle to scam from, though in the end, the scam template is the same.  In this case, they send you a counterfeit money order or cashier's check, you cash it, "keep" a portion of it, and wire the balance back to the scammers.  A few days later -- if you're not a suspicious sort at the outset -- your bank lets you know that the money order/check was fraudulent, and you're on the hook for the entire amount.

An "oh whoops" for you, a "score" for the scammers.

But not here ;-)

I received the following email that had the two elements I look for:  (a) sounds too good to be true and (b) it isn't true:


From: Fidencio Saucedo <f.saucedo112@gmail.com>
To:
Sent: Wednesday, April 10, 2013 5:21 PMSubject: JOB OPENING: Monster Energy Drink® Car Wraps

Would You Wrap Your Car in an Ad for $300 Weekly. Reply if interested.

Best Regards,
Fidencio Saucedo.
Hiring Manager,
Monster Energy Drink®


Before I bothered to respond, I did a little Gooble search on 'Monster Energy Drink Scam'.  And I found it here, among other places.


Still, I played along as interested and responded (as Ben Dover).  I received this lengthy, and telling response from the scammer:


Thank you for your swift response and your willingness to work with
us, Wrap advertising is the marketing practice of completely or
partially covering (wrapping) a vehicle in an advertisement or livery,
thus turning it into a mobile billboard. This can be achieved by
simply painting the vehicle surface, but it is becoming more common
today to use large vinyl sheets as decals. These can be removed with
relative ease, making it much less expensive to change from one
advertisement to another. Vehicles with large, flat surfaces, such as
buses and light-rail carriages, are fairly easy to work with, though
smaller cars with curved surfaces can also be wrapped in this manner.
Wrap advertising is available to anybody irrespective of the vehicle
you drive.


We are currently seeking to employ individual's world wide. How would
you like to make money by simply driving your car or banner wrapped
for Monster Energy Drink®


How it works?
Here's the basic premise of the "paid to drive" concept: Monster
Energy Drink® seeks people -- regular citizens, professional drivers
to go about their normal routine as they usually do, only with a big
advert for "Monster Energy Drink®" plastered on your car. The ads are
typically vinyl decals, also known as "auto wraps,"that almost seem to
be painted on the vehicle, and which will cover any portion of your
car's exterior surface.


What does the company get out of this type of ad strategy?
Lots of exposure and awareness. The auto wraps tend to be colorful,
eye-catching and attract lots of attention. Plus, it's a form of
advertising with a captive audience,meaning people who are stuck in
traffic can't avoid seeing the wrapped car alongside them. This
program will last for 3 months and the minimum you can participate is
a month.


You will be compensated with $300 per week which is essentially a
"rental"payment for letting our company use the space no fee is
required from you. Monster Energy Drink® shall provide experts that
would handle the advert placing on your car. You will receive an up
front payment of $300 inform of check via courier service for
accepting to carry this advert on your car. to this effect you are
advised to check your email regularly to get update as to know when
your upfront payment will arrive along with Graphic Artist address.


1)   You will receive Certified Check.  As soon as you receive the
check, you will cash the check for the decal wrapping on your car,
deduct $300 as your up-front payment. The rest of the funds should be
transfered to the Graphic artist that will wrap the decal on your car.
All you need is to confirm the acceptance and understanding of this
email.


2)  You will make a transfer of funds to the Graphic artist at the
nearest Western Union/Money Gram outlet in your area, the Info which you will
make the transfer to will be emailed to you soon.


3)  We'll like to have some Information about your car.


i) Type of Car and Color :


ii) Model/Year :


iii) Present Condition and the Mileage:


Note:  Please, confirm that you did receive this message so that we
can process funds that would be sent to you for the car advert.


It is very easy and simple no application fees required. Get back with
the following details if you are interested in these offer.


Applicant information:


Full Name:
Full Contact Address:
City,State,Zip code
Phone Number:


All other instructions will be sent out to you ASAP.


I..............Confirm to have received this email and understand the content.


Best Regards,
Fidencio Saucedo
Hiring Manager,
Monster Energy Drink®

Having responded under my guise of "Ben Dover", I went ahead and gave the scammer my actual mailing address; I wanted to see (a) from where the 'check' would come and (b) have the fraudulent document in hand.

Alas, my scammer apparently sniffed me out as a scam baiter....no further communications on his part were sent, and he responded no further to prods from ol' Ben.

So since I couldn't extend the scambait...I took option B...and edited his email.  Which of course, I sent to him and a cornudopia of his peers and colleagues:



Subject: Want Da Business:  We Gibts Youse Da Business: Monsta Camel Pee Drink(Revolting)

Thank you for your swift, eager, and 100% naive response and your willingness to work with
us without verifying one iota of this BS. 

Wrap advertising is the marketing practice of completely or partially covering (wrapping) a vehicle in an advertisement or livery, thus turning it into a mobile billboard.

Our angle is simpler:  send you a fraudulent check, you cash it, keep part, and wire us the rest.  We laugh all the way to our bank, and your bank kicks your ass.

We likes it.  We hopes you will too (at least until it's too late).

We are currently seeking to employ individuals world wide with intellects comparable to door knobs, tree stumps, and especially liberals, who frequently poll dumber than the former two. How would you like to think you're making money by simply driving your car or banner wrapped for Monsta Camel Pee Drink®


How it works?  Simple:  people bottle camel pee, add a spritz of uncola flavor and carbonation, and then we conceal it within counterfeit cans of the popular energy drinks.  Ain't we stinkers?

Now, for the basic premise of the "we're paid by you to scam you" concept:  we send you a faked email from a nationally-knowd energy drink maker, and claim that this energy drink maker seeks people -- we tried hamsters, cows and telephone poles, and none of them would send us money -- to go about their normal routine as they usually do, blissfully ignorant, thinking they're gonna make $300/week for one-three months by using their car as a rolling billboard. 

What does the company get out of this type of ad strategy?  The company we're faking being, heck they  don't get anything but grief from a poopload of low-information voters and idiots stupid enough to buy into this jackwagonload of sh**.    WE get free money.  Yours.

This program will last for 3 months, or until we can find not even the dumbest of morons to fall for it.  At which time, we'll have come up with something else to fool the fools once more.


You will think that you'll be compensated with $300 per week which is essentially a "rental"payment for letting our company use your car; we'll provide *experts* (we kill ourselves with that 'un...) that
will handle your money when you wire it. You will receive a *check* via courier service for
being suck...er...accepting to carry this advert on your car.  At the same time, you will receive the address of our resident *Graphic Artist* who will design the advertising for your car (f**k, we're laughing so hard here we can't breathe...stop it, stop it..). 

Here's how we intend this to work:

1)   You will receive Certified Check.  As soon as you receive the check, you will cash the check,
deduct $300 as your up-front *payment* (our graphic artist is going to need a doctor soon if he doesn't stop laughing hysterically), and then you wire the rest of the funds to the Graphic artist.  All you need is to confirm the acceptance and understanding of this email without question.

2)  Western Union or Money Gram is fine for you to wire money to our *graphic artist* (who is now hyperventilating in the corner, he's laughing so hard).

 

3)  Of course, we have to have some absolutely irrelevant information about your car.
i) Type of Car and Color :
ii) Model/Year :
iii) Present Condition and the Mileage:


Note:  Please, confirm that you did receive this message so that we know we found us a live one.

It is very easy (for us) and no application fees required since we'll get ours with the first *check* and wire transfer. Get back with the following details.

Applicant information:
Full Name:
Full Contact Address:
City,State,Zip code
Phone Number:

All other instructions will be sent out to you ASAP.  Oh, and we'll need to you to sign off on our little Disclaimer thingee:


I.............., being of simple mind and willing remainder, hereby do agree to get screwed by our Third World email scam, and to have our name and email address shared with every other 'fly-on-sh**' scammer within email range of Earth.  Confirm to have received this email and completely misunderstand the content.

No Regards,
Fidencio Saucedo
hR *Manager*,
Monsta Camel Pee Drink®

Much as I would have loved to received one of their counterfeit checks, I couldn't pull it off here.  HOWEVAH...I will try again from another email addy.  If it works...I'll share (the photos, not the faux money).

Secret Powers...For Sale

I know something that you don't.

How do I know it? Because I got the email that offers to tell me so.

Neener boo.

Late the other evening, right out of cyber thin air, it came to me like an email out of the blue. An email entitled Secret Powers. Therein, it asked me all the questions I've never asked myself. And at the bottom, it promised me a 7 day guarantee to find all those answers, simply by responding to the email address at the bottom.

Well, you just knowd I was gonna have ta.

With one wee little proviso: I answered the questions the email posed, and THEN sent it back to the emailer. And 25 or so of his/hers peers and colleagues.

I'll spare you a recap of the whole email AND response; instead, I'll share with you what went back to the emailer. In bold, I'll give you the original contents as I received them; in italics, I'll give you how I helped the emailer out, by answering the posed questions.

You may be your own subjective judge of how it worked out:

Has anything ever bothered you in life? If so, get the f**k over it, Zipper Lips. Do you have any problems you need to solve? Get off your fat ass and solve it, then. A pending court case you have that you want to solve in your favor? Hire a good f**king lawyer and don't be doing the sh** that will wind you up in court in the first place. I mean, WTF!

Health, relationship, finance. They're all overrated. But I digress.

Welcome to the world of false miracles and faux wonders! For a fee that you pay to me, there are supernatural treasures and power to liberate mankind from all afflictions. Why? Because I found where they store all those props from the last Indiana Jones "Crystal Skull" movie.

And for a price, it can all be YOURS!

Let me answer some of your questions of life. Why can't you live the life of your dreams? Because Sandra Bullock thinks you're a dweeb, that's why.

Why must you work so hard and yet earn so little? Because you're the dumbass who got the liberal arts degree that wasn't worth a job at McDonalds!

Why can't you be happy with the one you love and desire or why can't the one you love reciprocate and appreciate that love? Because your fetish of buttf**king goats repels her, you moron.

Why would the doctor tell you there is no solution or cure to your problems? Because any medical doctor knows that you surgically can't fix stupid.

Why would your lawyer say you stand no chance, that your case is hopeless? Because he/she bothered to read the f**king law, the same one that you chose to break, nipplehead.

Have you been cheated by anyone or those owing you money refuse to pay back? Quit lending money to deadbeats and that won't happen, you idiot.

Do you need a rapid job promotion in your place of work? Assassination might have worked on the Enterprise in a parallel universe, but I wouldn't recommend it here. Besides, your boss KNOWS you spend time in the restroom whacking off, instead of doing your f**king job, you pervert.

You want to venture into politics? Who wouldn't: young interns letting you play hide the cigar in the vaginal humidor, and lots of lobbyists with lots of money who'll give it to you so you'll support a law authorizing anal sex with camels.

Now I understand certain things are hard to believe and comprehend, but all I ask from you is only 7 days and if you will follow my instructions and use the items you will receive, I promise your life will never be the same again. Why? Because my items I send you are thermonuclear devices that explode when you open them, and being next to one of those exploding will guaran-f**king-tee that your life will never be the same.

If you don't trust me on that, contact me and I'll prove it to you.

If you find no relevance in the help I offer, you're a f**king dumbass and I hope you get genital-eating crotch crickets.

All inquiries should be directed to this email: secretpower1@blumail.org

Asked and answered. And not a few hours after I sent the emailer my "edited" inquiry, I got a response that was the epitome of brevity:

f**k you.
Nor was I long in response:

I fail to see how that solves all, or for that matter, ANY of my problems in 7 days. Or EVAH. Elucidate, please.
None was forthcoming. Guess they'll remain "secret powers", eh?

Damned Right I Am

u are insensative asshole.

More on that in a moment.

One of my recent emails was another of those 'supposed to tug at the heart strings to open up the wallet strings' kind, from someone claiming to be a Mrs. Joan Pitchell. Here's a piece of her schtick (along with the picture she sent me):

My name is Mrs. Joan Pitchell, I am married to Lt. Colonel Harold Pitchell, A retired Lt. colonel who is dead. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 9 million GBP (Great British Pounds) which were derived from his vast estates with a security company in Malaysia. After some more drivel, she gets to the 'rat killing': My Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffer from. I have decided to donate this fund to you for orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, childrun, and persons who prove to be genuine handicap financially.

She ends this drivel with I would prefer you contact me on my most private and confidential address, since I send this only to you (bullsh**...it was addressed to 'undisclosed recipients').

Her most private and confidential email address is joanpitchell@hotmail.com. Oh...I guess I wasn't supposed to do that, huh? Any more than I should say that the photo she attached to the email is the same one I've received from almost a dozen other scammers who're using the same ploy.

For you regular readers, you can guess what I dun with this. For you new ones, here's what I dun, shared with the originator and 25 plus of her peers:

Dear Befuddled,

I seek your indulgence to solicit for your assistance concerning the content of my mail. My name is Mrs. Joan Pitchell, and I have a giant porcupine that is mysteriously growing out of my vagina. The doctors are astonished, and totally unable to explain this abnormality. Surgically, they can do nothing for me, other than apply treatments of Quill-Away to my vag, to help with the dozens of perforations I get there when I try to walk.

And have sex? Since this happened, the only men I can get near me are hyenas who think I'm in heat, and then they'll only hump my f***ing leg. It's degrading, I tell you.

I need someone...ANYONE...to come up with a cure. If you have one, and it works, I will give you the sum of 9 Million GBP (Great British Pounds) which I stole from a rodent inseminator I was having an illicit affair with some months ago.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished, as I don't want anything that will bring unwanted attention to my condition, or why I have to walk in such a peculiar way, to avoid puncturing my asshole to the point -- see what I just did there? -- that I sh** in 200 different directions at once.

I would prefer you contact me on my most private and confidential email address (which I was happy to share with her 25 plus peers, as I was with you readers).

Thanks and hurry the f**k up, this gawddamned vaginal porcupine f***ing hurts,

Dr. Mrs. Joan Pitchell

Now to the 'more on that in a moment': I opened this post with the terse response I got from the alleged Dr. Mrs. Joan Pitchell, a day after dispatching this rewrite to her and her assorted peers.

As no surprise to you regular readers, I was quick to agree with her: Yes, Ma'am, you're right. And I have a sh**storm more of insensitivity for you, if you like.

So far, she hasn't shown any inclination for more of the same. I think she got the point *ducking boos and throwd empty jars of Quill-Away*...

How "Coud" I?

It's about a week in time from the beginning to the conclusion of this series of correspondence. And as exemplified in the post title, the end question posed to me by the scammer is easy, for anyone who reads this blog somewhat regularly.

About a week and a half ago, I received a short email entitled Beloved, and it went like this:

i have asked God to guide me in my times and to me he has sended me you email address. so it is with no fear that i write to you because God fills my heart with love and he guides me to you so i know you are the one who will lift me from the present. i await your respond. With love, Faith Jama

Included was the email address of jama.faith@yahoo.com. Fine.

But just who was God referring her to? My name isn't "undisclosed recipients". Unless God knows something that I don't. Actually, He knows a few hundred thousand terrabyte drives of stuff I don't, and I digress.

Anyway, it wasn't much to work with, but I sent her back -- from my rewrite scam emails account -- a short reply, and shared it with 20 of her colleagues. It went like this:

Hi. My name is Faith Jama, and I have a vaginal yeast infection. That's probably TMI, but I don't care. I say what I feel, and I feel really itchy and bitchy right now. Send me emails and tell me how to relieve this sh**. Someone, ANYONE. And that's the last time I mix a night out on the town, alcohol, and three peckered goats on a dare. Sheesh.

That garnered me a reply from Faith. One with her picture attached. And a reply that proved she didn't read what I wrote; she only cared that I replied:

Email Title: Sweetie

It warm my heart to hear you, my heart accept you from the very first time i don't know what you have done to me to make me feel like this (I suggested you had a vaginal yeast infection, that's what I dun). God send me to you and just to you and you are now my frend i can trust and talk to. i need to open my hearte to you as my helper and for your help i will give you more when we are join (she can keep her yeast infection).

To spare you all of the syrupy in-error syntax, here's the gist of her reply: i am in refugee camp in Senegal and you are my hope to be free and find love my life is not having. i have inhertance from dead parents but cant not get to it without your help now and as two who are join by God i pleadg you my inhertance and my love for your help. i like to sing cook walk on beach and live for love. i send you picture of me hope it plese you yes?

And she included this phone number for me to call right away -- 221-772093435 -- and ask for Faith when "the Rev answer".

I'll get right on that. Or actually, I'll see if I can get one of 25 of her colleagues to get right on that, as I again donned my 'rewrite hat', removed her photo, replaced it with the unspeakable one above, and sent back to her and her peers:

Email Title: OMG Is This What I Look Like?

OMG, I never knew I could look so bad in a picture like this!!! My big fat ass looks even bigger than any photoshop program could enhance! What the f*** did you do to me, Dr. Samuel Okoronji (another of the scammers copied on this email who has threatened me three times now for what I did to his emails, and the dozens of others I pour into his scam box)? You were supposed to liposuction it, not ENLARGE IT!!!

And why are you 'riding' me (refer to obvious replacement picture)? I don't know what you done to make me feel this way, but I am very upset that you have posted this picture of me for everyone in fly-infested internet cafe to look at and laugh. Granted, I am one skanky-lookin beeyotch. But still. How am I supposed to dupe someone into falling for my 'need a foreign man' scam, and get money from them, when you make me look like Goodyear Blimp?

I need real and sincere friend that I can trust and talk to, because I have kept secret for too long that I eat 20 lbs of ham three times a day. You'd never know it to see me, I know.

Did you know I once had a boyfriend? I accidentally misplaced him, and thought he had run out on me. Come to find, two months later, that he was trapped in the crack of my ass. He was pretty ripe and flat by then. My bad.

Sometimes the world seems to be upside down. Then I meet someone and sit on them, and I get the strangest sensations when they try to wriggle out of there. It's weird, in a kinky sort of way.

I have so much of me to tell you, as you can see. About how I was originally violated by a Great Dane, and I have not been the same ever since, that is why in picture I am on all fours. Ask me, and I'll bark like a dog for you. Woof woof. Me good dog. Just don't get too close when I wag my ample tail.

I like to lay on beach, but lately, these long-haired weirdos from some group called Greenpeace, go into a frenzy when they see me, and try to push me into the water. What is that about?

Please call me at the number I gave you before and tell the pedophile who answers that you want to talk to Faith the petite. He won't believe it, but he'll let me know and I'll get to the phone as long as I'm not noshing on one of my 20 lbs of ham meals. Priorities, you know.

Would she, or her handlers, read THIS response, and draw the proper conclusion from the attached photo?

As her reply indicated, nawp. Here again is the gist of it: my great love you have make my heart sing to know you respond to me. God gave me you and i am so happy to know that we will soon be together once you have retreve my inhertance and will send for me to your country.

Yada, yada...yada. Four paragraphs worth.

Okay, so (a) she isn't reading my replies and rewrites (b) her handlers aren't either and (c) none of the other receiving scammers are tipping her off. Might be afraid that, after seeing that photo, tipping her could cause an earthquake and tsunami somewhere.

No biggie (see what I just did there?). I am many things, including flatulent, but that's for later. I take her latest syrupy reply, and revamp the snarf out of it, returning it to her and the very same 25 other colleagues of hers:

As I read all you write to me, I am remembered to think about the time I was assigned, as a still-virgin, to read all the comments on the bathroom walls in the soldier's barracks. This led me to do a paper on "2591 Reasons I Should Have Stayed In Oshkosh", since most of the comments were badly written, poorly spelled, and referred to unspeakable sex acts with emus.

Sucks to be an emu in these parts when the regiment is on maneuvers, but I digress.

I don't know why I trust you, since I heard that you spread crotch crickets to goat herds in nearby villages, but I have to trust someone, so I pick you.

My life in this email is like a tourists' guide to Toledo: I am from Zimbabwe but I live in Senegal now, and I have plans to spread my ample self out to Nigeria, Cote D'Ivore, Uganda, Kenya, Chad, maybe even Libya. Lots of soldiers there right now, and I can have a blast, figuratively and literally.

I don't believe in the biblical God, otherwise I wouldn't be trying to scam people who're stupid enough to respond to my bogus emails. But last night, I prayed to the 12" long rubber emu doll in my tent, that doubles for a dildo when I get bored, and I have prayed for a new emu doll, because this one's getting pretty sticky.

Life is not too good for me here, since I'm over 500 lbs and my emu dildo is sticky. Please...is it true that in your country, you have stores that sell battery operated dildos tht don't have the shape of emus? That is so like...wow. I want one. F***, I want a dozen. But I need batteries, too. A sh**load of them.

Please try all your possible best to send me money for me, and use some more of your money to buy me some battery-powered dildos. I am not alright here, I walk funny because of my shape and because that emu beak on the dildo catches all the time and I am really sore there.

You are my hero forever, you send me non-emu-shaped, battery operated dildos.

After that, a whole day elapsed with nothing. Then, evidence that someone FINALLY read what I had been rewriting on Faith's behalf, and bothered to tell Faith:

how coud you do this? i put trust in you and you write things as me that i not say and send them to who??? you are not nice mans. dont not contact me more ok.

Naturally -- because I respect the fairer sex, except when 'she' is trying to scam me -- I respected her wishes and replied to her and her 25 colleagues:

Thank you for letting me know my dildo and battery order is on the way. Just thinking about getting them sends chills up my spine that shake the ground for a mile in every direction. Keep in touch with me and tell me all about myself, and please, share it with everyone online you can find. I want them to see me. Sh**, please send my information and photo to America's Got Talent and American Idol!! I am all for exposure...and is there ever a load of me to expose!!!

Nothing further from Faith Jama, any of her colleagues, or the Emu Dildo Defense Fund. Yet.

Contest To End ALL Contests

A fitting day for this particular post -- May Day.

At least some of you will see what I just did there.

In one rather unspectacular night in April -- during one of my bouts with insomnia -- I received three rapid-fire notifications via email, that I had 'won' three online lottos. My collective 'win' was just short of 7 Million Pounds (UK), between the three. I had 'won' lottos from the UK National, Shell Oil and Microsoft, EU.

*Yawn*

Insomnia's a funny thing, 'cept when you have it. But it wasn't you that had it. It was me.

And that, sometimes, can be funny. Or not. Depends on how your sense of humor trends, in warped relation to my own.

As has been my habit, despite nun protests, I re-wrote all three contests, and sent them back to their originators, along with to a very select group of email scammers (ie., their email addresses are, for now, still working).

Not that I got anything in return that readers would find amusing on this go around; but you might find some strange kind of amusement in what I did with one of the re-writes, which will fit in the the accompanying photo/calendar for next year's widely-anticipated *apocalypse* on The History Channel.

'Prolly just like Y2K.

At any rate, a scammer flying under the guise of Barrister David Green (claim_dptupdate@live.com), and his internet scam ho' Rose Wood -- they threw in a 'Mrs' in parentheses, just to legitimize her -- sent me email notification that I had won the UK NATIONAL LOTTERY.

I returned it to him/her/it, along with over a dozen of their respective peers this way, along with amended dates, times, and outcomes: *Blogger's Note: if you are offended by making fun of 'The End', you might only wince at what's to come; trust me, you're really smirking, and about to lapse into LYAO....really*

SUBJ: MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY

TO: THE PITIFULLY FEW SURVIVORS

DATE: FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2012

Dear Email User,

You're F***ED! Guess what time it is? THAT'S RIGHT: IT'S THE END OF THE MAYAN CALENDAR, AND YOU'RE TEE-TOTALLY F***ED!

Whacking great time for a contest, we thought.

Our Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY has selected YOUR EMAIL to have WON the sum of...oh hell, what the f*** does it matter? After all, you can't take it with you, right? So just print this notification and take THAT with you, so you can show everyone you know in the afterlife that you went out a WINNER!

To the official sh**: Your email has won the sum of 5,014,478 GBP in cash credited to a file in the just concluded by the Mayan Calendar APOCALYPSE LOTTERY. Programme held on Draw Date Thursday, December 20, 2012. Sorry we didn't notify you a tad quicker. Eh....f***ing sue us. Our attorneys will see yours in Heckydarnpoo and probably do lunch on your dime.

Winning numbers: 10, 26, 28, 34, 35, 39 and bonus 17

Ticket number: 8603775966738

Secret number: ....you realize, of course, that providing you all this info is just a f***ing waste of time, right? ...089188/10

Please submit the following informations, not that it will make much difference, because it's the END OF THE CALENDAR AND YOU'RE F***ING DEAD! But, what the f***: just in case you happened to avoid dying from the big ass asteroid that obliterated your, Mr. Rogers, and everyone elses' neighborhoods, then you can fight it out with the zombies that have to survive to make this a worthwhile project for what's left of Hollyweird to make a movie out of.

Just don't look for it on the 2013 Oscars; zombies eat anything remotely Oscar. Nyuk.

Please email your informations (full name, address, physical description, marks, scars, tattoos, other identifying features) to Fiduciary agent Barrister David Green at email claim_dptupdate@live.com

Note: All Responses should be sent to Agent via email, since everyone will be running around and screaming, as they see the giant space rock about to wipe their sorry asses out of existence; Barrister Green will have his 4G phone with him, to record your winning information while he's running and screaming. That's right, Barrister: you work to the bloody f***ing end.

Congratulations from the MAYAN CALENDAR APOCALYPSE LOTTERY!

Do you think that Barrister Green, or any of his over a dozen peers, appreciated the irony here? It would have been nice, had they dropped me a line to let me know.

Eh..perhaps they're too busy running and screaming already.