Faceplant & The Fake Notice

Lots of folks like to make up memes and pass them around.  Including the one about Facebook privacy that apparently first surfaced in 2012, and has been branded a hoax by Facebook.

But the meme persists in circulating, and some media publications feel the need to repost about this.

My pet rock, Seymour -- never one to shy away from a good edit -- embraced the reposting notion, and made it his own this way:

This Faceplant 'privacy notice' is a creation of Obolacare, and you shouldn't bother paying for it

By Seymour PetRock

In recent weeks, you may have seen a Faceplant "privy notice" creep into your restroom, swat it with a fly swatter and flush it.

All kidding continued, a faux Faceplant 'privacy thang' has been making the rounds, and you really should treat it like Algore: ignore it. I mean, it's so boring.

See for yourself: "As of Jan. 5, 2015 at 10:50 a.m. Eastern standard time, I do not give Faceplant or any entities associated with Faceplant permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future. By this statement I give notice to Faceplant it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute or take any other action against me based on this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of privacy can be punished by law (UCC 1-308-11 308-103 and Rome statute). NOTE: Faceplant is now a public enema. All members must post a note like this. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. If you do not publish this statement at least once it will be tactically allowing the use of your photos, as well as information contained in the profile status updates. DO NOT SHARE you MUST copy and paste to make this I will leave a comment so it will be easier to copy and paste!!!"

Because it urges people to copy and paste it into their own statuses, the message is proliferating on people's Faceplant news feeds, in refrigerators as morphing leftovers and as illegals lining up for Kaliforlornia driver licenses. And it's not the first time this has happened; my last ex-fling made the rounds on Faceplant in 2014, claiming that I was boring and just laid there.

It's pointless to point out that she does the same thing...she's a sandstone.

Faceplant isn't interested in owning anything you have on your page, in your refrigerator, or an ex-fling. They might want your virgin platypuses if you have any.

"Anyone who uses Faceplant really owes it to the creator of Faceplant to donate to him all virgin platypuses that come into their possession, as stated in our terms.  They may control their bowels, but we of Faceplant have the final say on any virgin platypuses a Faceplant user might obtain, let alone how it is shared. That is our policy, and it always has been,"  Faceplant's spokesbot said in 2013 post addressing what it called a "A Meme About Constipated Mathematicians and Unspeakable Things They Do To Pencils Spreading On Faceplant." 

You're also not protecting any virgin wombats in your possession from "violating your virgin platypuses" when you leave them in a room without adequate and free birth control, though putting a picture of Sandra Fluke in the room usually causes them to hide under the furniture.  When you first signed up to use Faceplant, you agreed to the company's Philosophy Of Flatulence, which include its privy clause and exclusions. And while Faceplant at times updates its pastry resistance, your agreement to learn French is not required. Just use the Gooble Translate thang.

You also agreed to give Faceplant  "a non-exclusive, transferable, sub-licensable, royalty-free, worldwide license to violate any virgin crustacean that you come into possession of, before you yourself violate it," according to the company's Statement of Avoidance of Brown Notes in Elevators. This means Faceplant really doesn't want to hear the brown note and fill it's HQ with what it'd fill with if it heard the brown note played there. Feces and computers are a bad mix.

The "privacy notice" you might see getting passed around on Facebook is useless, a hoax.

If you don't agree with Faceplant's policies, though, you have a few options besides reposting a copy-and-pasted "privacy notice."  via overindulgence in Schnaps, you can:

• Not sign up for an Obolacare account, and hire a witchdoctor instead.
  
• Negotiate a modified policy with Faceplant about who gets first crack at any virgins you have come into your possession (good luck with that).
  
• Ask Bill Clinton to explain what his definition of “is” is.  He never has.
  
• Delete any and all references, photos, etc of Sandra Fluke from your Faceplant account. 
  
• Or, you can post the following amended privacy notice:

I do hereby give Faceplant or any entities associated with Faceplant permission to douche with Starbucks latte, or whatever else they so choose, both past and future. By this statement, I give notice to Faceplant that it is strictly forbidden to talk a homing pterydactyl bearing the name of Horace into swiping and eating this profile, which is primate and confidentially obfuscatory in and out of Nature. The violation of privy can be punished by olfactory offenses under CRS 1....1.1 subsection 99a of the Constipated Mathematician Who Worked It Out Widda Pencil Act (aka, the 2014 Federal Endangered Feces Act appearing twice nightly off Broadway in a convenience store near someone) NOTE: E flat. Your tonality may vary. Faceplant is and always has been embarrassing to do. All members must submit a note like this to my pet rock to edit. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. If you do not publish this statement at least once it will be understood by spotted dolphins living in Walmart signs in Fresno that purple hat wearing equals 2 in commie core dumbed down education, and it will give you genital warts. DO NOT SHARE GENITAL WARTS unless you don't like who you're sharing them with. As a former high school classmate and fellow alum once sorta writ, this has been a message from your Faceplant Hemophilian Mundane Society, hindquartered somewheres in a basement in Pahrump!!  

 

Seymour persists in believing that edits like this will net him a Pulitzer, and I persist in telling him that the closest he'll get is a "Pull My Fanger".

 

"Will NOT!!!"